Suicidal Thoughts

Suicidal Thoughts

Welcome to Christianity Oasis Purity Publications. This E-book is titled Suicidal Thoughts written by an Anonymous Author. Christianity Oasis in association with Purity Publications proudly presents you with this Suicidal Thoughts E-Book free of charge for your enjoyment.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - Background Check
Chapter 2 - The Demon
Chapter 3 - Thus Saith the Lord!
Chapter 4 - Dear Saint
Chapter 5 - Different Perspective
Chapter 6 - The Truth Is

Chapter 1

~Background Check~

As searing pain ran through my body I looked around and seen that there was nobody there to help me. I wanted to scream in pain but my environment wouldn't let me. I felt like I was drowning in my soul and choking on my own spirit. The stench of failure surrounded me as I remembered all of the rotten things I have done since I was an infant. I thought of my father and how the only thing he could have done to tolerate me was leave and never look back. I've seen my mother and remembered every single time I looked in her eyes and seen nothing. The fear of a death so dishonorable to God that I would be held in a special section of hell for all eternity, but a death that seemed to be the only recourse in the face of a storm so painful that only Jesus knew what it felt like. Persecution, dishonesty, shame, embarrassment, all the feelings of a life that never went the path God ordained it to. Questions with no answers and visions with no sound seemed to be my reality. The water that filled my lungs tasted of sulfur and brine. My eyes burned with tears of rocks and my ear rang of all the mistakes I have ever made. Was this my end? Have I been fooling myself the entire time to think that God would actually want to save me? Petty thoughts such as this ran across my forehead, but yet there I stood on the edge of the bridge with nothing but hell burning below me. Where is God? A fair question to ask when you have a noose around your neck and you're ready to kick the chair. So to continue to be fair, I currently don't have an answer for that question. Let's first examine the spirit of suicide and depression before we try to determine how to defeat it.

Depression, to depress holds down, bring low, hold back, and apply pressure too and the list of descriptions go on for decades. When a person falls into a depression, they often feel sad, "down in the dumps", maybe angry, anxious, afraid, hopeless and bound. Depression is a "depress" in a person's emotional state, which can be accompanied with physical symptoms and reactions. Depression has a wide range of causes and symptoms from being genetic to situational. The enemy uses depression to incapacitate people and keep them distracted from serving their ultimate purpose. While the enemy is attempting to isolate and manipulate the person from people who can protect them, he can also surround the person with people he is using to further catapult them into a depressed state. One of my biggest issues is the phrase "don't rely on man, man will always fail you" a solid truth and an ongoing theme in the word of God. But lord, I say, you have put me dead smack in the middle of a planet with millions upon millions of those people that I am not supposed to rely on. Lord these people that I am not supposed to rely on are in my face all day every day, so what am I supposed to do? "Lord show me someone other than Jesus who keeps their eyes on you 24-7 and maybe I'll feel a little bit better"...still waiting.

What is it about ending your life that seems to ease the pain that life brings? A question I have thought about for years and even more in the past few months. As a Christian, I was raised to know about heaven and hell. It's no surprise the kind of place hell is and what goes there, while no one really has a clear picture of exactly what the sights and sounds consist of, saved and unsaved alike can agree that it's no place for anyone to desire to be. But here's the thing, as a Christian, I have had a close encounter with the things of God, his word and his enemy, so why would the thought of ending my life even enter my mind? Again a question I have asked for years. The devil or the "enemy" as we like to call him has a mission to destroy; especially those who are chosen by God to fulfill a specific purpose for the kingdom of righteousness and against the kingdom of darkness. The devil doesn't like me or any other Christian Brother or sister of mine. From the womb I have been a threat to the devil. He's been throwing curve balls at me since I could remember my first memory, but everything changed when I gave my life to the lord. Ready to commit the ultimate sin, Gods power was able to grab my attention long enough to cancel the assignment of hell and redeem my spiritual self. So there I am saved and on the road to sanctification and yes the devil was madder than, well hell. Throughout my walk in previous years, I grew and grew more on fire for the things of the kingdom. Secrets were exposed to me and visions were cast upon my head. The lord worked through me and for me in every area of my life. I didn't and I don't have it all but when you measure "all" not in worldly attributes but in spiritual treasures, then you can call me wealthy. I am no way shape or form anywhere near to where I am required to be but I can look back and realize that God has carried far from where I left those worldly shoes at. So the lord continued to reveal things to me and teach me about the things of the kingdom and I invited it with open arms. I've seen things that were inviting and I've seen things that simply destroyed my sleep patterns, but I've vowed to go through anything he could throw at me for the sake of working for the lord. The one thing that I noticed a lot with the body of Christ and the "body of Christ" is that there is a large part in this red sea. The visual that is given of when Moses parted the sea to escape the soldiers show a large scale ocean- like river that was as deep as it was wide. When the staff hit the ground, the water raised up to the sky clearing a path for Moses and the Israelites giving them a safe method of escape. This same type of imagery can be used for the parting of the churches "red sea". Let examine myself for a moment; there are times when it is easy to praise God because everything is roses and unicorns, the kids are honor roll students, the spouse is doing dishes, and the checkbook is more balanced than the tires on your car.

Then there's the times when either the devil gets sick of the smell of all those roses or the lord thinks that you are getting too comfortable on that unicorn and all that water comes crashing back down to earth. Now don't get me wrong, I know that nobody promised me that a saved life is a perfect, flawless, tear less life; but I regretted to remember that for one with a different level comes a different devil, two, when you nag God enough he might just give it to you to show you exactly why he didn't give it to you yet, and three, it's the season for conditioning and training. Regardless of the reason for the season, these moments of pressure washing, tightening, shifting, moving, suffocating, cleansing, gutting and cutting can be difficult for some and unbearable to others. There have been "tests" and "trails" that I have been through that seemed like they were just pricks by the smallest needle, but then once those quickly passed, the real storm came and knocked my ship all over the bay. Again, there were some storms that I went into with mountain moving strength and I endured like a true, anointed woman of God; so well that I could see thee smile on Gods face in the morning sky. The confidence flowed through me like the blood in my veins, and the true power of God burst out of my mouth as strong and gentle as the Holy Ghost filled the church of acts on the day of Pentecost. I look back on some of those crowing moments and celebrate a bittersweet victory. As I write this I feel the joy of knowing that my anointing was never an illusion, but then I huddle in shame as to the weakness I feel as I type these words. Whether I call myself a prophet or not, I cannot deny the discernment I had for the approaching of this very storm. the smells, the sights, the thoughts, the feelings, the anger, the shame, the exhaustion and the confusion that I feel were all there in my spirit moments before it approached; almost like seeing the bolts of lightning off in the distance accompanied by the wall of rain just over the mountain tops, but with the absence of the thunder that completes the vision of the true storm of the century. The best part is that I realize it while I write about it. A few weeks ago I felt an unsettling in my spirit. I began to see those close to me back off slowly, I began to feel the urge to dispose of loose ends and to cleanse myself of foolishness. I felt my body tightening up like it was trying to protect its core from attack. Many forensic scientists say that when the body is under attack or feel threatened, it will go into automatic defense mode and begin to protect its core. For instance, the body will curl up in the fetal position when it is being beaten to protect the vital organs within the mid sections such as the lungs, heart, intestines, and even tuck the head to protect the face and head. The same as the physical body, the spiritual body will begin to sense an attack and immediately go into protection mode. I can say that I can't even complain or get upset because this type of closeness and attachment to the things of the spirit realm is what I desired and what I spent many nights praying for; so the lesson here is be aware and be careful of what you pray for. So at this point in my journey, I am hear battling one the largest demons I have ever faced in my life and I am doing it with absolutely no power at all.

Chapter 2

~ The Demon ~

The suicide demon has been in my family and on my back for years, but for the most part a little prayer and a little oil helps me to weather the long nights; but God! This night is no ordinary night. Like I said previous, I had noticed that the people I normally broke bread with were beginning to back away slowly. I have looked around and seen that there was no body left for me to go to and listen to me, nobody there to understand and nobody there to discern me. I felt betrayed even though I knew the Lord's word about how I must seek His face only and that my only idol should be Him, and that is fine but Lord you put me on a planet with other people by yet there is not one to understand what is going on with me. Okay I get it, "how can a worldly being understand a spiritual event?" good question Lord, so then tell me how am I supposed to get an army together if you have removed all of my recruits? I think it's a bit hilarious how I am sitting here going back and forth with God of all people about the details. So in the back of my mind, all I hear are the saints talking all those Sundays about trusting God with all your being and even myself speaking to others about complete and utter surrender; so if I know so much about the blue prints, then why can't I still build this house?? okay lord I am listening, but first you have to hear me out; image what the sound of the lords giggle in the back of your mind when you tell him something like that. So anyway, here I am, hurt betrayed, sad, ashamed, exhausted, angry, disappointed, afraid, nervous, hopeless, and just plain over it. I'm sitting here right now without a friend in the world, battling the suicide demon with my left hand, trying to forgive with the right hand, typing this book with the left side of my brain while trying to let go of the pain with my right. Just imagine the battle that I am going through; I'm trying to keep my natural eyes open while trying to close my spiritual eyes to the truth. Oh lord can you see my turmoil. I have been betrayed by my family, been abused by my church family, laughed at by my friends, persecuted at my job, rode like a dog by my kids, and even my own bed won't let me get peace. Two weeks this has been going on and you would think that when I saw this storm coming that I would of went to the tore and got my rations but no I was comfortable on my unicorn. I thought the same anointing that carried me through the other storms will definitely carry me through this tornado; insert dramatic laugh here. So here I stand, alone in the natural but surrounded by the entire kingdom of heaven in the spirit, but I have been chilling at this pity party for so long that I can't even get myself up long enough to pray for some help. The devil is laughing behind my right shoulder because he thinks he got me pinned with a bottle of pills in my hand but neither one of us can figure out how a person can take so many pills and still wake up the next day like I took 1 Tylenol pm. Okay so it's been confirmed, the lord has more for me than just the bottom of an empty pill bottle, fantastic, BUT how am I supposed to continue like this? The saints say to pray, but what is prayer when every time you look in the mirror you see the demon that is whispering in your ear about all these things going wrong. What is prayer to the person who is to the point of having over 35 pills in their mouth and no one around to tell them to spit them out. I'm sorry lord but honestly what is prayer when you're so weak that all you can think about despite all the truth you know is to take the life that was already paid for. The lord says that this life, my life is not my own. I do not have the authority to do what I feel like with it nor do I have the authority to take it or leave it whenever I wish. So there's the catch 22. I am a Christian who loves the lord with all of her being; can praise, worship, fast, pray, speak in tongues, dance, sing, and speak with authority and I am at the lowest point of my Christian walk and there is nothing I can do about it. I look in the spirit and I see rows and rows of faces standing all around me. They all face me and they all glow with the peace and protection of the kingdom. I hear the lord say that this is my army but I have the power to control them and they cannot move until I am ready to instruct them to go forth. "So lord what you are saying is that you removed all of my earthly and worldly presence and surrounded my spirit with the biggest and most powerful army of the kingdom but they will not move until I instruct them too? Okay lord well that's not fair because I am not done with my pity party yet!" And there he goes laughing again. But "Lord I am serious, these people hurt me! they talked about me and lied on me at my job, and counted me out, and jumped over me and pushed me down and ignored me and didn't even bother to get to know me before they judged me. They prayed against me and gossiped about me. They ignored your word flowing out of me, they laughed at me when I praise you and they kicked me when I was down. Lord they even read my book and criticized it!! Lord how could you sit there and see all of this and not do anything?? My feelings are hurt, my spirit is hurt and I feel like I have been living a lie, like I've been lied to and cheated. Lord you know how I grew up so why do you let them sleep at night while I suffer with what they did to me?? And please don't tell me how they did the same to Jesus because I am so tired of hearing about that."

Chapter 3

~ Thus Saith the Lord ~

So after very long pauses I began to grow anxious and frustrated then I hear "beloved daughter, beloved daughter, beloved daughter...I see all your pain and I also know who I made you to be and the purpose that is upon your head. I love you and not because I have to but because you are made out of pure diamonds and pearls. Look at me and see that if I didn't love that those pills would have stopped your heart, and destroyed your brain. I watched the devil put the rope around your neck but your purpose is far greater than anything your feeble mind can comprehend while you dwell in the earth of sin. You spend days and nights so upset and frustrated at the sins of others and you question your own salvation when you see the false children of my family are exposed. But look around you Marisa and see the army I have sent to protect you, look and see the fear on the demons faces. Your heart is heavy because of the love you have for me and others. Your hurt because of the trust you put into the worldly church when thee gifts I have given you have given you the ability to see all these secrets on your will. Why be surprised when I sat with you in the night hours and spoke to you about what the next days will bring. How can you doubt the gifts and purposes I have given you when you have seen the souls that your efforts have drawn to me? I don't need you to be perfect to fulfill my works and I don't need you to be anyone or anything else but my beloved daughter in order for me to seek gladness in you. I am God and I am able to handle the sins of the world. I know who has hurt you and I know who you have hurt and my judgment is fair. Your name is in my hand and will never be distorted by the mouths of the wicked. You have my biggest army surrounding you and those who can't see it never knew me and never knew attached to my side for the rib of a man will always return to its original body. You my child are my rib and your desire to come home is the natural desire I have given all man to seek the word and the ways of the kingdom that I have ordained for you. I am your home and I am your light. You are my rib dear child and there is no place in hell for you. There will be no pill to take the life that I have ordained unless I will it so...go forth and continue your works for I am God and I know all. You are my child and I am your father and my love and respect is sufficient for you. I see you dear child and every minute of every breath you take is being monitored by me alone and you will returned home. I love you."

Chapter 4

~ Dear Saint ~

Dear saint, the one reading this book for whatever reason God has you to read this at this appointed time. The love of God flows from each end of the earth and continues into eternity. The shame of the devil to end your life is a desperate attempt to steal you from the purpose that God has for you. I tried to kill myself and I have been saved long enough to know what happens in you commit suicide and deep enough to be able to pray, fast and cast out enough to defeat that demon. The way you feel is not something to be ashamed of, the life that we are in is a temporary rest stop on the infinite journey that the lord has ordained for us. This is the training academy for the army of the lord and this is not promised or guaranteed to be easy, smooth sailing, or even fair. The pressure we experience is the same pressure that a piece of coal needs to become a most precious diamond. To defeat an enemy you must know the enemy. The suicide demon will stay on your back and point out every single foul word, short coming, and mistake and hiccup that you do every day but don't normally realize. This demon will put anything in your hand to help you to feel that your life is in your hands and can be ended whenever you feel like. I was there and sometimes for a while, but the one thing that I am able to feel during this low point is the tug of war between God's merciful hand and the devils anger towards me. When the bottle of pills is in my hand with the cap off, I feel the lord's warmth upon my face no matter how dark the room gets. There are times when I feel so empty and so alone that nobody on earth will ever understand what I feel and that is because nobody on earth can. The pain that is felt during a depression or depressed state is a pain that is in the soul. Those deep inner realms of you that cannot be touched by man, Your inner self feels like it is drowning in its own fluids and the only recourse is to let go and take the last breath. The spirit is turned off and the flesh rolls in the physical pain of spiritual detachment. A spiritual death is more pain full than any fleshly death the devil can cook up. When nothing seems right and you think the whole world is out to get you, that's the moment where you see rock bottom, whether it is emotionally, physically, or spiritually. The only voices you hear are the ones that are trying to kill you and since they don't have the power to take your lie they are cunning in trying to convince you to do it for them so they remain blameless and still the victor. Suicide and depression is not just for the "sinner", the unsaved or the worldly; these demons will come after anyone and everyone at any time. There are circumstances and situations all over life that can slip us into a depressed state, one so deep that we can't even see the door way out but coming from someone who was just in it a few pages ago, there is no storm that can stay over one area for too long without breaking up and falling apart. The enemy may be a cunning foe but he isn't a long term foe, he may bother you for what SEEMS like forever but the enemy runs out of steam too and when he does that's when he sends his helpers to continue to bother you or just flees until he come at you with a different strategy. I have no perfect answers for anyone on how to defeat the enemy but I am a witness that where ever God is there is victory.

Chapter 5

~ Different Perspective ~

I wrote this entry a year to the day that I wrote this book; during a time where I was strong in my faith and sensitive to the people around me whether I knew them personally or not. What I was feeling during this season was remorse but also strength, I felt the mercy of God and his enduring promise of keeping me in all situations.

The Bridge

A woman jumped to her death Thursday night. I didn't know her but I feel horrible I couldn't save her. When I was crossing the bridge after work I saw a car parked on the side of the road with its hazards on; no one in it or around it. I think I was the only one who noticed it but I immediately felt something was wrong ... I didn't know why but I was urged to look at the sides of the bridge for a person ... I didn't know what kind of person, all I knew was that I was looking for anyone walking, standing or running on the bridge ... I didn't see anyone but I swore to myself the minute I did I was going to stop the car and run after them ... I crossed the entire bridge and didn't see anyone ... I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong ... I didn't sleep that night, I just prayed. The next day was the day from hell for me, stressed out and at the end of my rope, I was losing my mind. The devil was on my back and he was holding on tight. I was buried neck deep in despair. After work all I could do was run to the church for sanctuary and I didn't leave until I felt safe. Saturday I read in the paper that a woman jumped off the bridge at the exact moment I saw that car parked on the side of the road. The paper said she picked up the helpline phone but didn't talk to anyone, that she was adamant about dying; they ultimately found her body Friday morning. Once I saw that I froze, it all started to make sense and I felt like something was wrong because something was in fact wrong. I was compelled to look for someone because there was someone to look for. I guess I was too late but I can't help but to think if I didn't stop for a red light or if I was going a little bit faster I could have stopped her. I know what it's like to be in the state of mind of death, to be in so much pain that nothing else matters anymore and all you can do is end the pain the only way you know how. Being where I am today, I'm not invisible to pain but now I have one tool that protects me from giving up, hope. Not saying that this woman had no hope, she just couldn't see it. If only I could have gotten to her and prayed with her or held her hand or just simply given her a hug I could have saved a life and a soul. Sometimes, just a hug can save someone's life. I know what it's like to hurt. With Christ I can't see any reason in hell worth taking my own life; I've been beaten, raped, stabbed, homeless, watched my car get repossessed, have had a gun held to my head, kicked in the face, pregnant and alone, strung out, all of it, so there's nothing anyone can tell me that could justify suicide ... no matter how dark it looks, how foggy the road looks, how much it hurts, how hopeless it seems, how ashamed you feel or how unbearable it is. I'm sorrowful over that woman because she didn't have to die so soon. Whatever was going on in her life wasn't worth the end. I praise God for allowing me to hear Him that day because even though I didn't get to that woman in time I still cared about her and prayed for her soul and that was enough to get the devil mad ... I realized that the enemy attacked me the next day for simply attempting to ruin his plan ... but I can't fear something I'm much more stronger than ... I'm not perfect but I do have something I never had before and that is hope! Everyday I'm striving to be a better child of God and everyday I see His mercy on me ... even if this is the last words I say to this world I'll still rejoice because I was able to praise my Lord.

~April 14, 2011~

I added this entry into this book not show that God has let me go or that I have lost my faith, but to show how the demon of suicide affects even those who we aren't closely attached to and how that death affects even those who don't even know us. I've battled the suicidal demon for years of my life but when I got saved I would often experience seasons to where I was so girded and strong that the demon wasn't even able to come into the same room as me. We are constantly transitioning between different moments of circumstances and situations. The seasons of our lives change consistently and with these changes come either a readiness or unpreparedness; and it's in the unprepared season changes that we come out the other end with the greatest amount of polish and fine tuning.

Chapter 6

~ The Truth Is ~

I am a Christian and I tried to kill myself. Not because God failed me or because my church failed me but because I was overwhelmed. Martha was overwhelmed with all the work she did for Jesus' visit while Mary sat and gained wisdom, the woman with the issue of blood was overwhelmed with her condition, Esther was overwhelmed with her duties to her people in the face of the king, and even Jesus was overwhelmed with his destiny to be persecuted and die for the sake of mankind. I felt the pressure of my works for God and my desire to be elevated. I had to be conditioned and pressure washed. Ii got angry at God because I took over 30 pills twice and still didn't even get sick with vomiting. I felt alone and I was told that I was a fake that my anointing was a joke and that whatever it was I was doing wasn't for God. I was mocked and made fun of, and honestly I couldn't tell if I was just seeing things or if it was truly happening. I didn't understand how God could put so much inside of me but make me so invisible. I was angry and fed up with life. Every day was the same fight, get no sleep, fight with the kids, go to work and be persecuted and beaten down, run around all afternoon in the midst of people with no real sense of compassion, feeling empty and drained I searched for someone to talk to and found no one but those who judged and persecuted me more. At first I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more but after a while I became so tired, so weary and so weak. We should never get weary of doing good says the word of God, but honestly the desire to check off all the boxes God has on your daily to do list is an exhausting task. Love those are unlovable, forgive those who have hurt you, cancel the debts of those who owe you, be in the world and not of the world, and so on and so on but while the word rings strong in my mind I am still left with this hand full of tears. Still confused as to why some Christians are acting the way they acting towards me when all they preach about on Sunday is love and respect. I'm still hurt because my church family still hasn't used the discernment that God gave them to atone to my spirit to come help me. I am still disappointed that all of my examples of Godly living have become nothing but smoke screens. Lord I am left with all of this garbage but the pick-up day is weeks away. I don't want to pray because I am tired and can't think or sleep, my body is weak from lack of food and my only solace is to end the life that has added 10 years to my face in only 2 weeks. This is me the suicidal Christian who knows the word and knows the comings and goings of the spirit realm but still feels the heat of failure upon her neck. But I am not the only one. Lord knows who else feels just like this and the only thing I can do to save my own life is to let go and let God carry me because I am too exhausted to fight this one. The lord said he put an army around me and all I have to do is give the word. Forgiveness is the hardest part but I am too tired to hold onto these offenses, cancelling debt seems unfair to me but I am too tired to keep writing these collection notices, my soul is battered and bleeding but I am too tired to keep an eye on the wounds to make sure no one is coming around to pour salt on them. The law of the lord is surrender and when the sitting of suicide grips your veins, it comes in your exhaustion to fight that God will stand and send the largest army of the heavens to surround you waiting for the word. A gentle whisper and the highest kingdom of the land is there to battle on your behalf while the lord ministers and mends your heart.

This brief journey through my storm and my battle with suicide is a personal and deeply heart felt one. This is what I lived from start to finish. When I began writing this a couple days ago I was on my second attempt and failure, but as I sat down and finished this in few short hours, I am beginning to feel the strength returning to my body and my blood beginning to pump again. I am beginning to be able to cry out to the lord in pain in hopes that he hears. For days I couldn't even cry, but today I am at least able to shed the first tear towards release. Yesterday I couldn't even think about going to church and worshipping God, but right now I can at least picture myself in worship once again. The devil is defeated and so with that truth I am able to at least put the pills back in the cabinet and begin to feel like I have a heart that beats for a purpose. Dearly beloved, the only thing I can urge you to do is to first look at those pills before you put them in your mouth because a mere look will begin the journey to reminding you why you are here reading this and how there is more to what you hear in your ears at this moment. I survived because God survived in me and you can survive because I believe in the purpose that was birthed within you. There's beauty in these things of God and you are God's property.

With love,
Sincerely,
A recovering suicidal Christian

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