Gangs 4 Grace Poetry - Christian Testimonials Website

Today I glanced at my dusty bible, and compared the dust on that book to the corruption in my life.
I realized that those 2 went hand in hand. The longer I go without opening that book, the dirtier my mind and heart become.
I begin going backwards in time to a life that is filled with hate and violence.
How could I have let myself get so far from God? It's crazy how dedicated I was to God and wanted to show every hurting soul the way out.
My speech was clean, without cursing or idle speech.
I actually watched the Christian channels without judging the preachers in my mind.
I wasn't worried about the little things in life. I had faith, and that was the most freeing feeling ever.
I was quick to pray for everyone and everything.
I didn't have nightmares that kept me up all night.
I had this lil voice called the Holy Spirit that guided me daily.
Why would I give all that up for this pain and lonliness?
Let me tell you all something. Imma be ok cuz today my bible quits being dusty.

Thoughts going too fast,
recounting the past,
never was one to deal well with stress,
as this drama unfolds its got me depressed.
Rob I miss you,
you were doing so good,
not doing drugs, working like you should.
Im sick of being a victim
wanna raise up and get rowdy,
my hands shaky and my eyes bloodshot
lack of sleep makes my mind cloudy.
I wanna inflict pain,
cuz I struggle to maintain
but on my heart lies a stain,
being the woman in my familys life is such a great strain.
For once I just wanna let it all go
fuck being good and fuck what I know.
Morals aint go me shit lately,
feeling like a helpless baby.
No one to comfort me,
no one to save me,
from a heart that is damaged and a mind that wants to be shady.
Behind closed doors
many tears fall
I try to act like I got in handled
but I dont know how to deal with life at all.
Why is it that when youre doing good,
youre always reminded that inside you is the hood.
No matter how far you get in life,
you cant run from your past
and it cuts like a knife.
Reformed my ass, look at me
pissed off and nutty
just a voided out "G".

This pain penetrates my being
this rage has me steady fleeing,
cant face the world right now,
I fell down face first and don't recall how.
Was doing so good helping others out,
But I forgot to save myself,
eyes teary from self doubt.
I'm sorry to the ones who respected and thought highly of me,
Can you take my hand and help me up
cuz the hate is blinding me?
Lord my soul cant contain this envelopement of all that's wrong,
Crying bitter tearz at night, cuz my man and I cant get along.
Scared of death, scared to live
I get done dirty despite all I give.
At night I dream of being murdered,
is this some kind of hint?
Slowly slipping into the dark, being blown off track like some lint.
I just wanna cry, but there's no release in tearz cried alone,
Still I distance myself, neglect my mind and my health, I dont even answer the phone.

Does it pleasure you to see me cry
you smoke your J as I lay on the bed hopin to die
My son is the reason my mind doesn't go, but a piece of my soul leaves with every hurtful blow
I'm smart, decent lookin and treat people well, why do I let you make my life hell
occasional roses and kind words get me sidetracked, but I need to look at the reality of this, and step the fawk back
how the hell did I let you control me, why can't i leave and stay gone, floss on you boldly
Wheres your heart, wheres the love i deserve, all i get is used and told hateful words
I wished for so long that you'd change, the only thing different is that my emotions are now deranged
I would never hurt anyone the way you've damaged me, and the sad thing is, I will probably never leave

This world teaches children lies hate and death, doomed from their conception until they take their last breath
This world teaches children, that kindness makes them weak, and that givin of yourself will only bring defeat
This world teaches children to take what's not theirs, to numb bad feelings with drugs and drink away their cares
This world teaches children that they're not good enough cuz of their looks, that everyone should be blonde and tan just like the fashion books
This world teaches children that violence is a normality, that chaos rules and all mans laws are just formalities
This world is no place for children Gods special gift he gave, this world robs them of their humanity and so humanity slowly fades.

Before Being Saved

An evil look ,remark or a laugh
these are the things that make me go mad.
First words exchange, then a push or a shove,
fists start flying and soon there's blood.
No escape from my evil wayz,
gotta check these broads steady
and straight from the gate.
If you show weakness you'll get caught slippin,
On the toes 24/7 and their scripts I will flip them.
Come at me crazy and I have no choice,
As the neighborhood thugs beat on me as a child, I finally silenced my voice.
Instead I let my fists do the talking,
no excuses when I get caught up for stalking.
I have to survive so these plots I stay blockin.
This 40 oz is telling me dirty lies,
making faces morph into enemies
as I try not to cry.
Drunken brawls, drunk tank stays
drunk gets me through, so drunk I remain.
Even though its my enemy, it's also my escape,
a teenage alcoholic with a bottle of fate.

Lord hear me as I lay down my fears,
sometimes I feel alone, drowning in my tearz.
It's so hard to trust you
I need to know you better,
feeling like my prayers are going unanswered
so I'm writing you this letter.
I need a revelation of your love,
you've done so much for me
but still I got this mean mugg.
Yesterday I was so secure and had my mind set,
today it's like I'm starting from the bottom again
already did some things I regret.
I'm sorry for not appreciating what I've been given,
help me to be thankful I got you, and my sins are forgiven.
It's easy to see the evil that surrounds me daily,
hard to watch the ones I love constantly failing.
I feel heavy with their burdens, as well as my own
Lord help me to get right with you
so I can lead them home.
As I lay my head down to sleep my worries away,
please let tomorrow be a better day

Lord thank you for a life that is now coming in clear
No more crazy fist fights after sippin on them beerz.
Thank you that I don't have a heart made of stone,
I can stand strong, even alone.
No more giving up as I tip my 40 up,
saying "F*** the world!" hangin with them cluckz.
To me, the thugs don't look the same
used to be respected but now scars and broken promises remain.
I was once so lost, an enemy to the common person, no matter how many assaults, for violence I was steady thirstin.
So many times I stepped over the edge, thank you Lord that u kept me from being dead.
an overdose, a shot to the dome, before any of that could happen, you brought me home.
Don't get me wrong, I still slip but don't fall, if I mess up I am forgiven and can heed to God's call.
So all you souls who are empty, here's something that's real, ask the Lord to show u his love, and all your sins he will appeal

Mama why are you crying,
why is daddy gone?
We were supposed to go to the park,
will he be there for long?
Mama why are u smoking from that glass pipe, why do u get so mad when u read the letters daddy writes?
Mama, please don't yell, I didn't mean to make you mad,
I just wanted to tell you that I feel really sad.
Mama u never hug me or read me stories anymore,
You tell me to play outside, sometimes you sleep till 4.
Mama why are there always strangers in our house?
One of those guys touched me, and I stayed quiet as a mouse.
Mama why are the cops bustin down our door,
why are they taking you away and telling me to lay on the floor?
Dear Mama,
things are going fine, uncle gives me money and my man rails me lines.
Dear Mama everyone says I'm beautiful like you once were,
I have different men all the time
times going by in a blur.
Dear Mama, Sorry I don't write so much anymore,
too many drugs to do and gang bangin is what I live for.
Dear Daughter,
please don't follow my lead,
I did dirt and now I'm thrown away with no key.
Please forgive me for not being there,
I was blinded by drugs, but I always cared.
Your father is gone, he was killed by rivals,
see in the pinta, there's slim chance of survival.
Take a look at your family, and then walk away, you will die in the hood if u decide to stay.
Dear Mama, I'm not hearing that, you're a leva for putting down your rag.
I'm gonna ride and good riddance if I die
its better than doing dirt and crying at night.
You're locked up but I am free,
you forgot who you were, that respected OG.
You can erase your memory but not your tats or your hood,
you'll snap back when you get out, till then I'm holdin it down like I should.
Dear Daughter, You did what u had to do, at least in your mind, Now I've lost my only family, I hope in death peace u find.
Rest now, no one else can cause u pain,
If I had only been a mother
you wouldn't have died this way.
I'm holding a picture of you in a casket so white,
couldn't attend your burial,
locked up for life.
What a gift God gave me, and I was never there, you're not supposed to outlive your mother, I caused a life for u that was unfair.
All I do is cry, I feel I took your life, by teaching you evil wayz and making what was wrong right.
Forgive me God, please love her in a way i never could, too busy pledging allegiance to that pipe and my hood

Marcelino, what a beautiful name for a beautiful face,
you take me beyond my walls, to a peaceful place.
I can love you freely with no reservation,
I wanted true love and God gave me you as a demonstration.
Son you make me wanna do right,
I promise to raise you to be honorable in Gods sight.
When I'm crying and the world could care less,
you sit on my lap and lay your head on my chest.
You say "don't be sad mommy." with a cute little smile,
what makes things all better?
The love of a child.

Remember for me homie
to when you were straight,
before all these drugs
had you at hells gate.
Remember for me our long talks,
now you are alone
only sound is of razor blade chops.
Why did you take my friend away like that,
who are you now, is my homie ever coming back?
Why the cold eyes, and wishing for your own demise,
You keep going with this drama
despite your loved onez cries.
Remember I said I loved you,
and we shared a love deeper than most,
that bond we had is now just a ghost.
I tried to hold on to you
but you took the plunge into the dark,
I miss our long talks
chillin in the park.
You got amnesia,
and there's nuttin i can do,
except pray that one day you'll pull through.

There goes Dana off to church again,
spendin time with her man who no longer takes vacations to the pen.
Isn't it great that she's back on track? I knew she could defeat the evil that tries to come back.
Wait, is that Dana drinking at the bar? And where did she get that messed up scar?
Why is she looking at that broad with evil intent? Aww no she's throwing blows, so the authorities get sent.
There goes Dana, I don't know about her, she seems like a hypocrite, is she stable? I'm not sure.
I see Dana crying in her room, on one side sits a bible, on the other some brew.
There goes Dana, what's coming next? She tries to be decent but she feels like she's hexed!

This feeling you give me
Can't find the words,
My life seems to be coming in clear,
before it was all a blur.
You penetrated my evil walls
I set up to keep hurt out,
you saved my baby's father
he's a new man without a doubt.
You loved me enough
to get your face beat
to hang on a cross
nailed by your hands and your feet.
Thank you for the times you protected me
that I never knew about
too busy sipin henessy.
With regret I look back at my mistakes
I could have always been free cuz it's bondage you break.
Now that you got me where you want me in life,
use me to get the ones I love away from all this strife.
"Is that Mizz Temper?", Na it's just Dana now a days,
Real souljahs fight in the spirit
Crushin Satan's plots and evil wayz.
Real homies will pray for you,
not be your drug buddies
So I hope they understand
when I don't show up at parties.
I look in the mirror now and hardly recognize myself,
no drug could ever give me this glow
of soul and spiritual health.
Never thought I'd be the one professing that God is good,
Don't be deceived homies
Jesus does come to the hood.

This is for you Marcelino
my precious lil man,
when you were sent to me
you came straight from Gods hand.
Sometimes I dont realize all that you give me,
love, loyalty and joy, these things don't come easy.
When I'm down and think I don't have nuttin,
I hear a lil voice "Mommy help me with my button!"
I look up and see those pure brown eyes
so full of things I lost when I let life pass me by.
Something to live for, something to die for, as long as Im living, you'll have nuttin to cry for.

I love you Marcelino Roberto Sinay (born 2/25/99)

This pain penetrates my being
this rage has me steady fleeing,
cant face the world right now,
I fell down face first and dont recall how.
Was doing so good helping others out,
But I forgot to save myself,
eyes teary from self doubt.
Im sorry to the ones who respected and thought highly of me,
Can you take my hand and help me up
cuz the hate is blinding me?
Lord my soul cant contain this envelopment of all thats wrong,
Crying bitter tearz at night, cuz my man and I cant get along.
Scared of death, scared to live
I get done dirty despite all I give.
At night I dream of being murdered,
is this some kind of hint?
Slowly slipping into the dark, being blown off track like some lint.
I just wanna cry, but there's no release in tearz cried alone,
Still I distance myself, neglect my mind and my health, I don't even answer the phone.

Two spirits, one mind
peace and strife
both are mine.
One day I'm reading the Bible,
feeling like the worlds a good place,
next day I'm fighting friends, going for broke upside their face.
Drinking with criminals
then bringing them to church on Sunday,
I try to help them but it's hurting me
I may end up in jail or dead someday.
Am I a hypocrite, or just weak-minded,
I look for peace but the streets call me
and my good side is temporarily blinded.
My son asking me if I'm going to jail,
he sees my actions and on his mind it is hell.
They got me on medication so I can live in peace. What do you do when the doctors can't help, I feel like I'm a beast.
Violence is my downfall, hate is my state of mind,
Jesus I'm so sorry I strayed from you,
please make a path for me to find.
Cuz my judgment is clouded by my fists that fly,
when I let the demons win, they make violence get me high.
I'm just a girl, thinking I was grown,
23 years old getting prank calls on the phone,
victims of my rage want revenge, and I feel so ready to take it there,
If I don't get back with you Lord,
my heart will no longer care.
I wanna be good, and do what's right
Please show me how you see me
cuz right now my soul feels black as night.

Up all night like I was on one,
sober as I can be, temper like the hair trigger on a gun
Excuse me Lord for these obscenities, it's hard to be your child when I am left fighting invisible deities
The evil its so strong, this rage takes me to lonely depths and beyond, before you know it my sanity will be gone
I wanna inflict pain, till adrenalin bubbles over in my brain, Please God please help me maintain
Crying in my car, in the bed, in the bar, I always give up once I get so far
Why this cycle of failure and defeat, this aint what God intended my existence to be
My son knows to much for being four years old, mommy saying "don't do what I do, do as your told," how this life is getting old, slowly turning back to "Temper," feeling so empty and cold
I don't understand the struggle in my mind, reaching for peace but strife is what I find
Tempted to go get buzzed and not think about tomorrow, but actions equal consequence which makes more sorrow
Thoughts rambling on like a senile nutt, the good the bad the ugly, all up in my gut.

Waking up in the morning
asking God to lead my steps
Cuz no matter how hard I try
old mentalities always crept.
So I quit trying
and give it all to him
but by noontime
the grill is looking grim.
Muggin once again
wanna escape all of this sin,
hoping for another day when my light wont be this dim.
I don't wanna be known as a psyco
people never knowin when I might blow
I wanna be the family type
standing strong through all this strife.
No more fists flying, and knifes slicing
now that I'm deep in it, this life is not enticing.
I've realized I cant change myself
so I seek God and ask for help.
Cuz wherever I may go
whom ever I may see
Only the Lord can change all this evil that lies inside of me.

yea I fell down for a minute,
should have walked away but didn't.
Kept swingin at my invisible demons,
should have prayed bout it, so there'd be no grievance.
But what's done is done,
no going back
Lost a friend, gained a bad memory
got a lil off track.
But through my tears I looked up
and saw a hand
he helped me up and told me "you fell but I will make u stand."
I may not be livin a perfect life, and I may stumble sometimes,
but to him I am a conqueror
I wanna see myself through God's eyes

Nuttin but a number a cell and a cot, no mail today I guess the homies 4 got
They said i would have money on the books by now, feeling shifty cuz i need to vent but don't know how
mama came today her tearz wet her face, my homies didn't cry for me when i caught this case
making me wonder what am i in this for, always battling foes, always so poor
when i was young before all this drama no one could love me like my mama
but i turned my back and was out there trippin, fatherless and angry into crime always dippin
did so many things i regret, showing only the hood utmost respect
some nights i could have been deceased, buy my mamaz prayers for my life never ceased
sittin in this cell, thinking of those i lost, bangin and hustling, and their life is what it cost
i don't know mayn, im starting to read books, learning about poetry not drugs hustlin and crooks
they got classes here maybe ill learn a skill, so when i get out ill have an honest deal
its time to roll up, my freedom has finally come, i reach the gates and smile excited like i was a lil child
my family's there to meet me my homies didn't show, i guess they got the date mixed up, maybe they didn't know
I'm back at the spot now telling the homies i got an education, but all they wanna talk about is retaliation
I cant be doing no more time, i wanna be straight, its my time to shine
I try to explain but they lookin at me dumb, saying "fool you better ride with us' and handing me a gun
im so stressed now, hand me that brew, i disregard the positive, i cant let down my crew
now im in the ride on the way to do this dirt, im knowin this aint right, sweat soaking my shirt
drink, smoke, chug, toke-allright now i'm feelin calm and coo, im ready to put it down on those opposing fooz
wait what's the deal here, people surrounding the ride? i grab my piece and freeze inside
my homies start rushing and bounce, my seatbelts jammed "wait homeboy i cant get out
they dont even stop to offer me a hand, how could they do me like this, i don't understand
solo in this car foes on every side, "God please, please don't let me die."
shots ring out as i look in the shooters eyes, we used to play together when we were lil guys
I cant believe this, it cant be real, i wanna have a family, not my cap peeled
Never cried in my entire life, but tearz are now fallin as my fear ignites
are my eyes closing cuz everything's going black? where's my people why don't they have my back?
"Lord just let me see my mama one more time." In this car alone i am left to die
sirens and screams fade in and out my ears, all this over some funk and drinking too many beers
i see myself slumped over from above talking of loyalty and hood love
"Well get these fooz for you dawg, you're death wont be in vein." Why couldn't I see how fake they were, now its just too late

When life is expired, loved ones reflect, analyzing your life, a legacy you left
some are subtle others profound, some achieved greatness others quickly hit the ground
many times legacies are left undone, from drugs thuggin and living by the gun
children are victims of twisted legacies too often, being shown nothing positive till their parents hit the coffin
What's wrong with modern times, when did family unity disappear? they take out prayer in schools now our children live in fear
when they kicked God out evil came in, children mass murderin cuz they cant quite fit in
what's wrong with parents now-a-days
kids raising themselves cuz mamaz in a drugged out haze
showing affection to bottles, needles, and strangers, kids left feelin neglected and full of anger
foster homes, gangs and the penal system, so many more negatives that I cant begin to list 'em
a vicious cycle of failure, more savage with every generation, young men killin each other, young ladies used only for penetration
so many lost souls, heads towards the ground, its impossible to look up when you're feelin so down
there's still good people left and we need to reach our youth, reach out to hurting hearts show em honest and truth.