MARSHAL HILL’S OFFICE

Written by Luz Leigh - 22 September 2007

The phone rings. “Marshal Hill’s office. How may I help you?” asks the secretary who has answered this phone for more years than you can imagine. The voice on the other end of the line says, “Can I talk to the marshal?”

I’m sorry, Marshal Hill is in court at the moment. Could I take a message, or is there something I could help you with?

No, I gotta talk to him. When can I talk to him?

Sir, the marshal will be busy in court until at least 5:00 p.m. Could I take a message?

Tell him if’n he’s in the neighborhood, he needs to stop at 4410 Roundrobin Road.

The secretary recognized the address as being many miles out in the country, hardly a place where you just happen to be in the neighborhood. In her most patient voice that she has learned to utilize over the years, she continues the dialogue with the agitated caller.

Sir, what is the problem? Maybe I can help you.

Naah, you can’t help me, lady. I got a bird in my house.

You have…. a… bird… in your house?....... What do you mean? 

Lady, I got this bird flying around in my house and I can’t get it out!  A little more agitation was showing in his voice.

Trying to hold back the laughter she was feeling coming on, the secretary continued.

Sir, have you tried opening the doors and shooing the bird outside?

LADY! Do you think I’m a idiot? Course I’ve tried that. I turned off the air conditioner, hoping it would get too hot in here and the bird would leave. That didn’t work. I called 9-1-1 before I called you.

And what were you told there?

Well, they said they ain’t got no animal control in this county. That I would just have to deal with it. So, see that’s why I called the marshal. He’s always helped us in the past.

You’ve had a bird in your house before?

NOOO, lady. We had a ‘gator in our little pond out back where the ducks are and the grandkids like to wade in it. He come out here and brought the game warden and they got that sucker out and took it away.  So I figured he could get a bird out of my house.

Oh, I see.  Visions of the marshal and the game warden corralling that alligator flashed through her mind. She could understand the need for help with an alligator. But, a bird????? Sir, do you have a dip net? Maybe you could use that to capture the bird.

Maam, ain’t had no dip net around here since the alligator tore it up when I tried to roust him outta the pond. Besides, I’m afeerd this bird has got bird flu.  And I want him out of my house!

By now the secretary, was running out of ideas of how to help the man and was beginning to see even more humor in the situation. Biting her tongue to keep the words from coming out…..she thought to herself…..”Mr. that bird flew (flu) by you all morning….” But she remained calm and professional.

Lady, my wife said to tell you that you ain’t helping a whole lot, but I said you can’t help it. Ain’t yore job to catch birds with bird flu.

Thank you sir. I am sorry I have not been more help, but if you will give me your phone number, I can pass it along to the marshal when he returns to the office.

The secretary can hear arguing between the man and his wife…..something about a cat.

Sir, is there anything else I can help you with?

Yeah, you can come out here and help the missus find her blooming cat.

Her cat?

You heard me. Her danged cat. When I opened the doors to try to run that bird out……well, the danged cat went flying out the door like his tail was on far. But his tail warn’t even smoking….warn’t no far on his tai!. Now the missus is raising old billy about the cat. Says it’s MY fault her precious cat has run away. I told her if’n that cat was worth his salt, he’d a caught that dern bird and I wouldn’t be on the telllyphone with you. Just tell the marshal to be here around 6:00 this evening. We gonna be frying some fresh catfish. Oh, and Lady, cuz you been so nice, you and yore man can come eat with us.

Thank you for the invitation. That is very thoughtful of you, but this is just a part of my job.

You help with bird flu birds all the time? Dang! Didn’t know we had a problem. Better call up the preacher so as he can tell the folks at prayer meeting to pray for this out break of bird flu.

NOOOO, wait, sir…. Please don’t call the preacher…..There is no bird flu epidemic or outbreak. I will tell the marshal about your problem as soon as he arrives back here. DON’T panic.

Ok, lady, if’n you say so. Hey, how long you been working there for the marshal?

I’ve been employed here for a little over twenty-five years.

Oh, man…you must be the one I talked to when Sudi, our oldest, got a fish hook in her foot and we couldn’t get it out. Called old Marshal Hill’s office.

Yes, sir, I seem to remember that incident a few years ago.

And my wife just brought to mind the time we called when our old dog Lucy was whelping and was having trouble, pups wouldn’t come out right…..we talked to some lady at Marshal Hill’s office. Was that you?

Yes sir, that was me. Sir, I’d like to continue visiting with you, but the other phone is ringing and I need to answer it. I will give the marshal your message.

Ok, but don’t forget….you welcome to join us for supper…………………

Click. The secretary hangs up the phone and proceeds to laugh until she cries. She could “recollect” other calls from this same family but no one would believe them. She writes the message for the marshal…..”Mr. Davis on Roundrobin Rd has a bird problem.” No need to write the number; the marshal has it on speed dial, both on his phone and in his brain.

The phone rings. “Marshal Hill’s office. How may I help you?”

The names and the address have been changed in the above story. All the incidents did not really happen to the “Davis” family, but are an accumulation of incidents from the lives of people with whom our family has had contact with over the years.