Tear Drops From Heaven - My Testimony

Tear Drops From Heaven - My Testimony

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Tear Drops From Heaven

My Testimony

Childhood

I don't remember much of my childhood except that which my parents have shared with me. There are though only a couple of events, which occurred that I am able to remember very well and give details.

Up to the age of 12, I pretty much had a normal childhood. I was born with a very small part of my brain damaged, which has affected my learning and memory. On one hand my memory is just bad, extremely bad. At other times, I am able to remember almost every detail. I have this problem when telling a story or am doing something that requires lots of information. Where my memory is bad, is pretty much your everyday stuff that everyone forgets except that I'm extra bad at it like, getting bill off in the mail, remembering the day or hour I have a meeting with my child's teacher at school, remembering to take the biscuits out of the oven before they burn, remembering the lyrics to a song, learning and remembering what I have studied. To give an example, I can not remember lyrics to a song no matter how many times I've heard it, but if you play the music and the artist begins singing, if it a song I know, I can sing almost every word to it, but without the music not a chance. I have read the Bible many times. I have read some verses maybe 150 to 200 times and still cannot quote it by memory word by word. But, when I get my Bible opened and start studying, the words come to mind, sometimes word by word, or where they are located or near to where they're located.

Today, I still can't get my own Mother's birthday right. Half the time, I forget my own until someone reminds me. I was taught at an early age by pictures to read, to write and to do math. My parents made sure I'd study extra hours each day to be able to keep up with the other kids in my class. Everything had to be laid out in front of me and then I'd put it back together as its was placed in front of me. Funny thing is, how I learn the Bible today and consider it a gift from God. I'm able to use pictures to bring a verse alive to someone, able to use maps to show others what and where the Bible is speaking of, able to create charts showing the order of things and events as God has given it in His Word. Without using this technique, I'm literally lost. So, I've come to see this as a gift from God that I'd never trade for anything.

I'll share a story with you, which has made a HUGE impact on my life. When I was either five or six years old, I was lying in bed and awoke to hear these footsteps coming down the hallway. I didn't have my own bedroom, so when my Dad was on the road (truck driver) I would sleep with my Mom on those nights. When my Dad was home, I would either sleep on the couch or sleep in with my brothers. That night though, I was in bed with my Mom. This man came walking down the hallway and stopped at the doorway and watched me. I was so scared that I did not move. The man came into the room and gently touched me on my shoulder and then turned and left. The next morning, I told my Mom and she suggested that I was only dreaming. I thought that maybe my Dad had come home and then left. She told me that he had not been there and that he would be home later in the week. So, I just accepted it as a dream.

At the age of seven, we moved. My Dad bought a little piece of land on my family's property. Now, I had my own bedroom and with a double size bed of my own. One night again around maybe 8 yrs old woke up from my sleep and heard these footsteps coming down the hallway. It was the same man and yet as scared as I was, I somehow knew there was nothing to fear. The man stopped in my doorway and just stood there watching me. It was dark as the lights were off, except for our bathroom light, which shown behind him, so I couldn't get a good look at what the man looked like. Not sure how long he stood there, but I made sure I didn't move. Just watched him as he watched me, then he turned and left back down the hallway. I could hear as the footsteps disappeared. It was the same as before, but this time he did not come in and place his hand gently on my shoulder. The next morning, I asked my Mom if my Dad had been home. She said no and I told her what happened and she said again, that it was only a dream. Of course I accepted it as that.

My Dad got in a truck accident, retired after that and took over a farm. I would beg my Dad to let me help around the farm and finally one day he did. After seeing that I could do some of the work, it turned out where I'd end up spending lots of my days, working! For years I'd taken dance lessons. I was in one concert after another, in one parade after another so I always got time off from working on the farm when I had dance lessons. It was one of the most fun things I had ever done. My best friend took lessons with me. I was the only girl in my immediate family with three brothers. I had two older brothers and one who was ten years younger. We all went to Church. My Dad was somewhat a drinker, but after we had starting going to Church, he stopped. We went to church for several years. My Mom became a Sunday school teacher in the children's ministry and my Dad also got involved in the bus ministry.

After going to Church for some time, it turned out that according to the Church, dancing was a sin. So, I had to stop taking lessons. I didn't like that and it sorta made me feel a bit out of place because I enjoyed it and found it to be deemed as a sin. One Saturday evening, I went and spent the night with my cousin and I started dancing and she looked at me and asked "what are you doing?" I said "dancing" and she said, "don't you know it's a sin?" So, I stopped dancing completely. That was the first time I felt really out of place.

I continued to attend Church. I would go out every week on visitations with my Mom or my Dad. My mom visited her girls that were in her Sunday school class and my Dad would visit those who he picked up on Sundays to take to Church. That was always fun especially with my Dad because the kids were more my age and I knew many of them because I went to school with them. During the summers I'd go to Church camp for a week and that was also fun. I slept in cabins and always made sure I got the top bunk. I was always the daring one. I was always ready to hang over the edges, while other girls would be afraid to get on the top bunk and when swimming, I would always go to the deep end. I would go and climb aboard the highest diving board. I would ride the tallest water slide.

One summer, which turned out to be the last summer of going to camp, my cousin wanted to get me saved and asked me lots of questions and told me that Jesus died for my sins, so that I could be forgiven. She'd ask if I understood, but I'd say no. So, she would tell me again. Then we said the sinners prayer together. That next Sunday the preacher's wife took me to the side and asked me if I understood, and I said "yes", but I really didn't. I just wanted to get this over with, because my parents and my brothers were all saved, so only thing to do was get saved also. Again, I repeated the sinner's prayer and just like that, I was saved. Then, I became a candidate for baptism. Two weeks later, I was baptized in front of 1100 people. I did not in the least bit understand, but I went along with it. I thought it was going to be really neat getting put underwater like that though I have to say that I was very nervous because there were so many people watching and that was just a little over half the members. I grew up in a very huge Church. So, it wasn't too funny when the preacher, called me out by name for interrupting him during his sermon because my friends and I were talking too loud. He knew everyone of his members by name. One Sunday, I decided to cut Sunday school and play around the buses instead. I will never forget when Mr. Tex called out to me and said "I know that is not you Miss ... !" calling me by name. I ran really fast as I could and hid in the bathroom with a friend until Church began and then eased our way in and sat down. He never said anything to my parents. Good thing too, because I would have gotten it really hard. All was normal in my life. What I didn't know though is my little world was about to get turned up side down.

Little by little, the money got tighter and the farm wasn't doing well. My Dad started drinking again each evening and he stopped going to Church. My Mom would still go with us kids. They both took on a second job delivering news papers, so eventually it was getting too tiring for my Mom on Sunday mornings to take us to Church after delivering papers all night and still had to go work down on the farm. Eventually, we all stopped going to Church. From the time my Dad took over the farm, there was this worker that had been working there for years and worked for my family. He always seemed to be trusting. I thought he was fun to be around also. He was always very careful around me not to say anything out of the way. Whenever my Mom couldn't make it to pick us up from school, he'd come and pick us up. I rode to the store with him at times. He was always telling my brothers a story or a joke, and I'd come in and ask if I could listen, but he always turned me away. He said these weren't stories for the ears of a little girl. So, I always had to leave. One day, I begged and begged to hear some stories and jokes and no one else was around, so he said "ok, I will tell you one story and that's it no more." I was very excited that he was going to tell me a story. I sat intensely as he told me the story and it turned out not to be what I thought it would be. It was a story with lots of sexual content in it. When he was done, he asked me how I like story. I really didn't know what to say, so I just said it was good. I was more careful from that point on of asking for him to tell me a story. He told me a few more though and I didn't know what to do. I didn't say anything to anyone because then I'd get him in trouble, but when he'd get me alone he'd tell me a joke or a little story and would ask me if I liked them.

I was around twelve years old at the time. Besides hearing him telling these little stories, I still like being around him. He'd never done anything to hurt me and I never thought he would. Then one day, I rode with him to the store. I asked him if he had any change so I could buy me some candy and he gave it to me. We got back to the farm and nobody was around. We were in his truck and my side the door was jammed and wouldn't open. The only way out of the truck was the door on his side, but he wasn't letting me out. I was just waiting and he was looking at me. He then told me it was time that I paid him back for the change that he gave me and he begin touching me in different places and I tried getting away, but there was no way to get out. He held me down. I fought back. After that, I sort of blanked out and don't remember everything that happened. I don't remember getting out of his truck. I don't even remember going home that day. After that day, I tried my best at staying away from him. I would go days, or even weeks without incident and then he would find me alone with nobody around. I would always start off trying to fight my way free, only to black out and never remember what all happened. I never remembered how it stopped or how I'd get home that day. This went on for some time.

I found myself getting in lots of trouble cause it would take me twice as long for me to get my work done. My older brothers would be so mad with me cause they had to pick up on my slack. My Mom and Dad decided to start watching me and find out what was taking me so long. They found out I was blanking out, or what they called "going into my own little world." I could never remember anything and couldn't explain what I'd been doing during those times. They would try talking to me, but I wouldn't ever respond to them. I'd block everything and everyone out. My Mom took me to a doctor, but he only explained what was occurring as my going through some kind of phase and eventually it would pass. Eventually, my parents decided that I needed to see a Therapist and whenever I'd go see her, I made sure I never said anything. I'd maybe say one or two sentences and after a month or two of this, she gave up on me and told my parents that whatever it was that was wrong with me, would pass. As long as she couldn't get me to talk to her, she couldn't help me.

Teenage Years

In Middle school, things weren't so great. My grades went from almost straight A's and B's to D's and F's. I can look back now and see that was for a few reasons. One was where I used to get help in elementary, now I wasn't and I wasn't about to ask anyone for help. The second reason was that I just didn't care anymore. The third reason was that I couldn't seem to fit in. Not even with many of the kids that I'd grown up with. So, I ended up mostly hanging out with the kids who got into trouble and who were into drugs, skipping school and stuff like that. I tried my first cigarette at age twelve or thirteen and then at age thirteen or fourteen, I tried my first joint behind the band room at school.

In my second year of 8th grade, I tried my first line of cocaine in the girls locker room. I was getting into fights, beginning to stay high constantly; I would steal my Dad's cigarettes. At home, my Dad was drinking a bottle of vodka every evening and then going home and drinking a few beers. So, at the end of the day, after everyone had left the farm, I'd go where he drank and he always left a shot or two in each bottle. I'd take that and each evening pour it into one bottle, then hide that bottle. It didn't take long to fill one bottle. When it was full or close to full, I'd sit and drink, alone. Around the age of fourteen or fifteen, the guy who had done all them bad things to me for so long had now gone to work for my Granddaddy full time. I didn't have to worry about him any longer, but by now the damage had been done. My Mom and Dad didn't trust me to go out with my friends as my older brothers had always been able to do and I stopped having friends for the most part, except for at school. I began sneaking out of the house in the evenings when everyone had gone to sleep. I would stuff my covers with pillows and things and then sneak out of my bedroom window. Eventually though, I began getting caught. I would "get it" every time I was caught.

Because of the trouble that I was getting into and the sneaking out, my parents made me start going on their paper routes with them. There is this one incident that happened to my mom and I that we'll never forget. I was with my Mom on her paper route that night. She would usually leave around two and then we get back around six that morning. It was around three in the morning and there was this light in the sky that came down to us. It was one HUGE light. It seemed to get very close to us. At first, I'd been about asleep when my Mom woke me up in a hurry to see this light. She and I were very scared, but I think I was more intrigued by it than scared. She kept making her stops to put paper in the boxes, but she did it without taking her eyes off this thing in the sky. She went along very carefully and as we watched this light, it would come close to us and then back off. It went high up into the sky and then came down very fast and it ended up going behind some trees. Then it came back up and tried coming close to us again. It would stop and my Mom was a bit scared to go any further, but she did slowly and this thing actually followed us for a time. We were the only ones on this country road. My Mom kept asking what is was. I didn't take my eyes off of it. It was as if it was trying to get to us, but couldn't. There was no sound to this thing that followed us, none what so ever and it had gotten maybe 150 to 200 yards away from us just a guess though. I just knew it was really close and HUGE. The light was maybe as huge as a two or three bedroom house. It was very bright, but you could look directly at it. After a little time passed, we came up to another vehicle and this thing stopped following us and began following the other car. Mom and I were so relieved. We did not know what this was, but as a teen you can imagine the thoughts going through my mind. First thing that popped into my head was that it was a UFO. For days, actually months to come the few people that we told this to, all thought we'd lost our minds. Throughout the years, this conversation arose and my Mom would always make an excuse for what we had seen. I'd laugh at her over it. She'd say it must have been a helicopter. I'd say, "it had no sound and stood still and then go up and then dove down like it was falling behind the trees? No Mom, I don't think so." Other times she'd say it was a blimp. I'd say, "At night? Plus a blimp can't move near as fast as this thing did, naaa, IT was no blimp." My Dad would say to us that if he didn't know us two better, anyone else think you two are a little crazy.

Most of my days became a regular routine. Left for school by twenty minutes before eight in the mornings, come home and go to work at the farm. Come home around seven in the evenings, then eat, bathe and get homework, which I never did. By ten or eleven, I had to be in bed and they'd always come to check a little later to make sure I was in bed. Then after they left, most nights I'd slip out of bed already dressed and go down the road to my friend's house. I would stay for maybe an hour to an hour and a half and then get back home and into bed before they'd come and wake me up to go on the paper route.

I always slept more than actually getting the papers in the boxes. They'd get so mad at me for not being able to stay awake, but I got all the papers out on my side, so to me that's all that mattered. Then we'd get home most mornings around six sometimes six thirty and I'd collapse in my bed and no more than 30 minutes later, my brother would be throwing my covers off telling me to get up and get ready for school.

One night, I snuck out of the house and my brother got wise to me and checked my bed and I wasn't there. I was down the road and could see the headlights of cars leaving out of my driveway. I knew right then and there that I'd been caught and knew it was only a matter of time before they'd check where I was. So, I had to leave and was scared to death of going back home because my dad would let me have it bad.

Out of my brothers and I, it seemed that I was the one who got most of the spankings and something in me always fought back because I didn't want to be touched. My Dad would finally get a hold of me and grabbed onto my arm really hard leaving his handprint on my arm and sometimes I would find my arm bruised from the grip. Even after that, I'd fight to get loose and he'd just swing the belt or paddle. End up with whelps on my back and my legs from it all. Think I always made him madder when I didn't bend over and be still while getting a spanking. My brothers always took what they knew was coming to them and there was never any struggle.

That night, when seeing I'd been caught, I couldn't go home so I took my friend's bicycle and I left in the opposite direction. This was the first time I had ever ran away but within a couple of hours I decided it was best to go home. I didn't have any money and didn't know where to go. I went home and took what was coming to me and with a fight at that. My Dad made me ride with him that night on his paper route, and my brother went with my Mom because she was still shaken up about me taking off like that. Every time I'd begin falling asleep. My Dad would take a rolled up paper and slap me with it right on the head. He'd yell at me WAKE UP. No sleeping! From that night on, I began making plans on running away. Where I'd go and how I get there.

I had to slow down on my sneaking out of the house because I was getting caught a lot. Even when I was simply going down the road to a friend's house, it wasn't good. My friend's Dad was a drug dealer and sold mostly weed, cocaine, and pills. The cocaine he kept hid except when we would watch him come out of the bedroom with it and he was selling it to someone. He always kept count of the pills but the weed was the easy access.

He'd have four to five gallon size zip lock bags and we would get a good bit out of each bag. First we'd weigh it then get what we would get and then take a spray bottle and spray it a bit to add weight and then put it all back into the bag fluffed out and weigh it again till it was the exact weight as it was before we got into it. Then the two of us would sit outside and smoke one after the other. I got almost all the weed I wanted from him, got all my liquor and all my cigs from my Dad. Pills came from friends at school because they all thought it was a big deal to take a pill or two and then go to class. The cocaine I snorted came from here and there whenever it was around. No one realized the mess I was in.

Around age fifteen to sixteen, something else happened that actually surprised me that I didn't see coming, My oldest brother caught me alone at home one day and he'd talk about his girlfriends a great deal to me and one day he told me he wanted to try something with his girlfriend but was scared of it going wrong and he asked me if he could try on me. I was very scared and didn't know what he was going to do, but I'd never had reason to mistrust him. So, I let him start doing what he was going to do. He kept telling me to be quiet and this wouldn't take long and I didn't know what to do and I didn't know how to fight back. This was my oldest brother.

It was over before long and then it happened again two days later and after that, my rebelling became worse than ever. I ran away from home a few times and the last time, I stayed gone for a few weeks. A friend that I was with and I finally gave ourselves up because the police had been looking for us and I was only sixteen and my male friend was about to turn eighteen and his sister, who was the only one who knew where we were at, talked us into giving ourselves up because they were going to charge him with statutory rape.

Because we had taken off from school grounds, we both got expelled from school. Just a couple of days before taking off, we had a new principal to come in and he had to call me out of homeroom. He took me into the hallway and had a talked with me. I was so messed up from smoking a joint maybe 25 minutes before. The principal though for some reason didn't send me home that day even though I couldn't even stand up straight long enough for him to get a sentence out of his mouth. Then, shortly after lunch time he came and got me out of class and took me for a walk and tried talking to me. It didn't work. This was the second year in ninth grade. Was my third time failing a grade, first time in third grade because of my learning disabilities, then in eighth grade because I had failing grades and again in the ninth grade because I was expelled.

My parents decided it was best for me to go off to school somewhere. They sent me to a school where I'd have to live on campus. Many kids were sent there under court order, others were sent there by parents because all of us were considered trouble teens. The plan was, that I would stay there and study for my GED, but that didn't exactly work out. I was sixteen years old and by the rules of the school I could come and go after school hours on and off campus as long as I was back by six in the evening for role call. By the second school year, I was able to sign myself in and out at age seventeen. Perfect for me because I'd sign myself out on a Thursday and would sign back in on a Monday or a Tuesday, depending on how tore up we were from partying through the weekend. My boyfriend at the time, did not live on campus but did attend school with me there. We hit it off right away and spent all my time with him. He was able to drive so this was good for me. When we could not find a place to crash over the weekends, we'd crash in some motel room and carry the party there or crash in a parking lot or a graveyard. Sometimes we would crash next to a river where a lot of people liked to go and drink, so at the time this was the fun thing to do.

One day, the school called my parents but did not tell me that they did this. They called me into the office. I remember wishing I had known because I hadn't too long ago smoked a joint over in woodshop and can't remember, but think we did a line or two of coke. I walked into the office and my parents were sitting there. They told them that they suspected me of using drugs and they made sure that they mentioned the cocaine. They said they just hadn't caught me yet but that I was hanging out and signing myself out along with others that had been caught and been arrested for drugs and that it was only a matter of time before I'd be caught myself. Of course I denied every bit of it. I had to make promises to do better because my parents was threatening taking me out right then and there and I did not want to because I would be leaving all my friends and my boyfriend. I had to promise to do better and straighten up.

Looking back now I've learned that all my rebelling came from events that I allowed to shape my life and I was determined that I wasn't going to be controlled as these two men had controlled me and had their way with me. In addition, nobody knew what had occurred and I was going to keep it that way. I've also learned that today we see many troubled teens and it makes me wonder just what those kids have been through and why they are like they are. I wouldn't be surprised to find physical abuse, sexual abuse, or something else that has pushed them into the directions they have chosen to go. It's one of many methods of the devil and the devil attacks in many ways and many forms. This is but one of many of his ways, of trying to keep people from ever finding truth.

Becoming an Adult

Maybe in some ways, I grew up faster than maybe one should but yet I still remain childish in other ways. When my Mom and Dad sent me off to school that was pretty much it for me. In many ways, I saw it as being on my own. So that I didn't have to call on my parents for money, I got a part time job, since I was only going to school for my GED then I was able to take half day for work and make a little extra money for myself. When I turned eighteen, my parents sent me to California to keep me away from home during the summer. I went to stay with other family members. My parents had this thing, where they never wanted the embarrassment of having family members, outside of our immediate family, knowing and talking about us. I know this because many times I would listen to them argue about letting nobody in the family know the things that I did. They would do this in front of my older brothers, especially my second oldest brother who always made sure he told me how much of an embarrassment I was to them all. Their secrecy plan didn't work so well though, because family knew and they did talk. Left right after attending my sixteen-year-old cousin's funeral, who had been killed in a car accident. Then, I was on my way to California for a few months. I began dating this guy, who turned out to be into Satanism. This kind of stuff, sorry to say, fascinated me. At around the age of maybe fifteen, I had carved an upside down pentagram into my wrist. My boyfriend, who I'd recently, broke up with from the school my parents had sent me off to, was into childish stuff, but to me sadly it was fun at the time. I didn't see or understand how it was wrong, but knew it went against my parents beliefs. This new guy I begin dating didn't hang around for long. He really only wanted one thing from me and I didn't want to. So, I was always pushing him off of me. My last boyfriend would tell me how much he loved me and then get me to do things for him, and if I didn't he'd leave me. So, in order to keep him loving me, I'd do whatever he asked. Now, here is this new guy and I didn't want to go through any of it and wouldn't do anything with him, he didn't care much for me after that.

Eventually, I wanted to go back home, well not so much home, but away from there. So, I did go back home and my parents sent me right back to school one last time in hopes that I'd finally get my GED. No sooner did I get back to school that I ended back up getting back with my ex boyfriend. I can't explain why, I just got back with him. He was popular and had the looks that most girls loved. Within a few months, I dropped out of school and would not return back home. I moved in with my boyfriend and his parents. To make this part of my story short, his dad was into porn and he began drinking from the time he woke up until the time he feel back to sleep. I'd met his parents before but now I was getting a whole different look into his home life. I think his Mom tried being good and doing the right thing but was clueless as to how to be good and instead she complained a great deal and did really odd things (Today I think I can understand her better). Whenever she argued with her son, it turned out my boyfriend got physically abusive with her. Once I tried stopping him from hitting her and I got hit, accidentally, but I never would forget that evening. One morning while she was at work and his sister was gone, his Dad, my boyfriend and I were asleep. His Dad came into the bedroom. We didn't know he was there until he began rubbing his hand up my leg and my boyfriend jumped out of bed and pushed his Dad out of the room telling him that he was already drunk and to go to bed or go watch one of his sex movies, but stay away from me. He told him that I was off limits. I was scared to death of that man afterwards because he was always watching me whenever I was in eyeshot of him.

We'd go out especially on the weekends and have hotel parties. We tell everyone that we were having a Hotel Party Our Place, Be There! This was a regular thing for us to do. Everyone pitched in and we'd be able to pay for every thing. We'd have a bathtub full of ice and beer, and tons of liquor plenty of weed and coke and pills. Usually there was always someone who had been eating shrooms or dropping acid. We got kicked out several times for being too loud to tearing up the rooms. There were times after most people left that we would end up having a, not sure what you'd call it, but there would be 6 or 8 of us, and each person had there partners, we never traded partners but we'd each take our partner and all have sex at the same time, in the same room. It wasn't such a big deal at the time because everyone thought it was a cool thing to do.

Once when we had nowhere else to go and my boyfriend, his best friend and I decided to break into this Catholic Church. We broke in to steal their communion wine and to play pool in the basement where they kept their pool table. Actually, I remember laughing about this because growing up in the Church that I did, they condemned dancing as they deemed it to be a sin and here in this Church, they kept a pool table in their basement to play on. Kind of ironic, huh? Too much had happened and nobody knew about things, and I could never tell anyone, so I just kept it all to myself. I would think deep down though, that I wished someone knew. But I just blew it all off and escaped with partying and everything else. I had no adults to contend with and was pretty much on my own.

One weekend though, it began getting to me. We got a hotel room as usual and as usual we would do all that we normally did. Several friends showed up to party with us. One guy got so drunk he passed out on the floor and we just kept partying and stepping over him. The guys kept playing around and wrestling and one guy got his head thrown into a wall and we left a huge whole in the wall. They also did something else and at the time couldn't explain it, but one of the things they did was take the Bible and they began throwing it around saying gd this gd that. I'd step back s if I was waiting for lightning to come down and strike them all. They were all in agreement that God wasn't real. I kept telling myself that they shouldn't be doing that to God's Word. This was all wrong! It was as if my eyes were opened somewhat that night. I had a ways yet to go before I would choose to seek God though, but a fear ran through me that night as to how wrong what they were doing was.

Very shortly after this, my boyfriend left me there at his house alone with his Dad. He made it sound to his Dad like I would not be there. He had me hide out in his sister's room. She always kept her bedroom locked even when she wasn't home. You hardly ever saw her. After all got quiet and my boyfriend was gone, I heard his Dad walking down the hallway checking rooms and I got so scared that I hid in his sister's closet. He never came in. My boyfriend had said that this would happen and as long as I was quiet, he'd never know I was there. For maybe an hour, I cried as quietly as I could because I was put in this situation. It turned out that the reason he wanted me to stay was because he had a date with this other girl. A few weeks later she turned up pregnant. I didn't know what to do because it turned out that I was also pregnant.

It wasn't to long after that I ended up leaving. The problem though, was that I had nowhere to stay. I'd been working for some time so I had a little money coming to me but not enough and not fast enough. My boyfriend always took my paychecks and spent it all on junk. So, I stayed here and stayed there. This went on for a few weeks until finally I went to this one friends house and stayed with her and her parents. Her parents took me in for the weekend. I was 5 months pregnant and still hadn't made it to see a doctor. They were very sweet and nice to me, and somehow they talked me into calling my parents. A big part of me did not want to do this, but I knew it was best especially with a baby on the way. The next day they were there to pick me up.

Back Home

I never did get my GED, I dropped out altogether. My education stopped pretty much with the ninth grade and I never did finish that. Now alone and pregnant I was moving back home which was the last place I wanted to be. My Dad seemed to mostly give me the cold shoulder over everything. My Mom, she was only happy to have me home knowing I now was safe. I went back to work on the farm but this time my Dad had me taking in a paycheck.

He always took my paycheck to help out. He would tell me that if I was so determined to be on my own then I would pay my way. I'd pay rent, I had to pay for meals, and he would remind me that I had a baby on the way. I never argued with him, I'd just put my head down or turn and go to my room. I was his only daughter and I'd not turn out as he hoped. When it was time for my son to be born my Mom went as usual out on her paper route and as time drew closer for me to give birth she always checked on me before she left and as soon as she got back. She would pray and pray that I wouldn't end up alone at home in labor with no way to get to the hospital. So something pretty neat happened. It could have been a message from God. Around 5:30 on the day my son would be born Mom was finishing up her route and began heading home. She was driving slow, putting out her last papers when a huge bird came and flew next to her as she drove. She said it looked just like a stork; it flew next to her and would look over at her while she was driving. Then as she stopped to put out a paper the stork flew ahead of her and then flew back and stopped in front of her. She was driving very slowly and the stork began flying backwards while looking at her as she drove. She said she knew right then that I was in labor and God was letting her know. She came home right away and checked on me and sure enough I was having and been counting my contractions, and they were coming every 15 minutes. Later that day I gave birth to my oldest son. Some time later Mom came across a verse in the Bible, Zechariah 5:9, "Then lifted I up mine eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came out two women, and the wind was in their wings; for they had wings like the wings of a stork ... " She had always suspected this stork she seen was actually an angel. And then there is verse in Jeremiah 8:7, "Yea, the stork in the heaven knoweth her appointed times ... " Whether this stork was an angel I cannot say but for sure, it was sent by God.

Meeting My Husband and Getting Married

After my son was born, I quit working on the farm and went to work at a Pizza Hut as a waitress. There my dad took all my pay also, so I took on a second job working third shift, working during the day and then at night. My dad took that pay also. He would say, "Now see what it costs to live." I was more than willing to work as much as I needed to work to make my way but I wasn't given a chance. I was constantly feeling trapped. I was never spending any time with my son, my Mom took care of him almost 24/7. I had no choice, I had to work. Then I worked almost 30 something hours straight and was so worn out I got upset with my manager at Pizza Hut and quit. Now being down to one job, I was working third shift at a convenience store. Someone I knew before going off to school had seen me and was happy to see me. It turned out his Dad owned the Huddle House across the road and he worked there. At times he would bring me some dinner and soon he introduced me to who now is my husband. He looked like someone who came straight from Woodstock. He had that old hippy look but he was only 4 years older then I was. I didn't know him but a few weeks before moving in with him. It didn't take him long to see I was having trouble at home. I was 20 years old now. I would go early into work and go to a bar with him down the road. I didn't talk about my problem with him much and I couldn't get drunk because I had to work later, but I always made sure I got that buzz before going to work.

When I moved in with him it was a shock to my parents. I didn't warn them in any way whatsoever, I just up and left. When I did, my Dad got his gun. I was trying to take my son but he yelled at my Mom to take him to their bedroom. He was going to make sure I didn't leave with him. He wouldn't let me take my things out of the house so I went to my bedroom window and literally moved my stuff out through my window. I had to leave, I was scared someone would get hurt. We went to the police station and they looked me and up and saw that I had a record. I had already been put in jail a couple of times and I had run away a few times, so they wouldn't help. They made me go through a process and gave me no choice to work things out with my parents before getting my son back. My parents wouldn't let me have my son until I got married. The thing was, I didn't want to get married. They had hoped it would make me more sensible and I'd stop what I was doing.

It didn't work. I got married and as they had promised, they handed over my son to me because I was married and not living in sin. They did everything they could to hold off that wedding. Again it didn't work. We called the preacher that married us over to the house and got married there on the spot with my husband's mother as our witness. She was the one that talked me into marrying her son, I kept saying no, no marriage. She said he never brought anyone home like me before. Said she could tell right off I was from a family of good moral values and I had the sweetest attitude and was the prettiest lady he ever been out with. She said I wasn't like the other women or his past wives. My hubby had been married twice before me. See something else that really upset my parents was the fact that they had been trying to talk me into allowing them to adopt my son and I would never give in to them. Now I was taking him away from them.

My new mother-in-law took me in right away, but said she sensed there was something that troubled me a great deal because there was always a sadness in my eyes. Of course I didn't talk. No one ever knew the things that had happened and no one was about to find out now. My father-in-law really liked me. The first time I met him, he tested me out, with a crab. He put it right in my face, "You ever eat a crab," I had to back off. He said to me, "If you're gonna be in this family you have to know how to clean and eat crabs, including lobsters, and here," handing me a cracker with caviar and cheese on it. He said, "We're not rich, we just like to eat like we're rich." I couldn't help but laugh at him. And to this day if he wants me to try something he'll put it right in my face or just puts it straight in my mouth. Found out later he was Jewish but raised by a Southern Baptist Minster. Yep a Jewish man eating crabs and lobsters not something you see too often. Hubby's Mom on other hand was also raised Christian, but also raised in something much similar to Shamanism. Her Grandmother and her Mother before that and then before her on back, were all pretty much considered medicine women of their tribe ... She was an Indian. His Dad also had Indian in him as well. So to me that was pretty neat I thought, marrying a Jewish Indian. Later I began realizing there was much more to this family. They didn't consider themselves Christians so much even though they claimed Christ as their savior, but at the time I really didn't understand any of this.

About as fast as we got married, I was pregnant with my second child, a daughter. My Mom and Dad came around and accepted hubby and all, but it took some time to fully accept the way I had chosen. They didn't understand but they were trying and I was trying by keeping in touch with them and started spending a little time with them. They would come over for dinner and I'd cook dinner for us all. They watched me very closely. I'd also gotten along with most of the adults I'd ever known. When working on the farm, my uncle whom my Dad took over the farm from would visit him almost every day at lunchtime it kept me at times from being alone there with that guy. My uncle turned out to be a bigger impact on me then I ever thought he would be. He was the only one I'd ever heard of that had read the Bible ten times through by the time I was 14 years of age. He always accepted me when I never felt accepted by anyone else. Other adults in my family that I used to visit all the time, and adults, and the parents of most of all my friends ... They all seemed to like having me around even though I'd always seem to get in trouble. I don't think my Mom and Dad had ever seen this part of me and now they were watching me closely.

Over the next years some strange events happened. As I said, immediately after getting married I found myself pregnant a second time. After my son came to live with us he didn't want to sleep in his crib so he would fall asleep with me rocking him or fall asleep in bed with me. I allowed this because hubby wouldn't be in bed with me, he would in turn fall asleep on top of a mattress in the living room. One evening really late I woke up and had to use the bathroom, pregnant and all. When coming out of the bathroom I about jumped right out of my skin if it had been possible. My arm went right through this really tall figure standing there and not thinking I said, "Don't ever do that to me again." I was out of breath; I was so scared and jumpy. I looked around thinking I'd see my husband but it turned out he was on the floor sound asleep. I looked around and no one was there. Many strange things began to happen, I was seeing shadows here and there. I began having dreams, seeing things in my dreams of things around me or the land we were living on. My beliefs were pretty far out there and didn't know much about the Bible and what was written in there. I knew it was time to start learning some things. Hubby worked I didn't, I stayed home pregnant and raising kids so in free times I would begin reading a little here and there if I wasn't watching TV or something. So over the next few years I began picking up my Bible more. My Mom made sure she sent my Bible I grew up with for to me to have. I think she meant that as a hint for me to read. I never said anything to her about it though. The problem was though, whenever I found myself pregnant, seemed like often, I remained straight, no drugs no drinking, yet wishing I could get high or have a few drinks. So during that time I did read the Bible, I just didn't understand what I was reading, to me it was just stories, nothing more really. Whenever preaching was on I would just turn it off. I prayed very little, though when I prayed, I meant everything I prayed. Whenever I wasn't pregnant, I did my share of drinking, smoking weed and popping pills whenever I could. To be honest, at the time I wanted to believe, but wasn't sure if I believed. I think there was something in me that wanted something to believe in. I just didn't know how.

At around the age of 21 I had this experience. I was in the living room, hubby was gone to work. It was late and my son was sleeping. I was pregnant with my daughter and I was about to fall asleep sitting back in the recliner. All was quiet and I was watching something on the television but then I began to feel this other presence different from others I had seen or felt. This one I knew but didn't move an inch, I just sat there while this presence made itself known to me and right away I knew from where I knew it. This presence was the same one that visited me as a little girl and my Mom had told me it was just a dream. This man had visited me twice as a little girl. The first time he came in and gently placed his hand on my left shoulder. The second time he stood in my doorway watching me then, both times he turned and walked back down the hallway. I could hear as his steps disappeared. Now he was standing before me. This time I couldn't see him but the presence was so strong I didn't dare move. I'm not sure how long he remained there but I could feel a peace, a very pleasant peace in the room. After a short time, the presence left. It seemed like a really long moment. Somehow though I knew a day would come when I'd know who and what this was about. When hubby came home told him what had happened. He told me it could have been an ancestor, possibly their spirit that was watching over me. I didn't know, I just took his word for it, but told him I couldn't explain how I knew but knew the day would come when I'd know who this man was.

During the days it seemed that I'd always stay busy running after the kids all day, changing diapers feeding and rocking babies. I never got any time to spend reading in the Bible, so if I spent any time praying or reading, it would be in the evenings and at night. I was left alone much of the time. Hubby would be gone on the road. He drove a truck and would stay gone from one to every once in a while two or three weeks. I lived back behind my mother and father-in-laws' house. We had neighbors that and businesses that were pretty close to us on a pretty busy road. One evening after getting the kids down to bed, this really bad feeling came over me like something bad was about to happen, but I didn't know what. I couldn't rest easy no matter how hard I tried. Hubby told me over the phone that I was being paranoid. Well, I was very tried and wanted to go to bed but was scared to. So I decided to take a gun to bed with me just in case, but then this feeling came over me and even though I wasn't sure God actually existed or not, I decided to pray and told the Lord how I wasn't sure about things and wasn't sure if I could understand if He was to speak to me. So I asked God to let everything be all right and please to let me know He had spoken to me it would be all right. I was walking back to my bedroom and my Bible was laying right there on the table so I decided to stop and just open the Bible up and read a verse or two ... Just to see what it said. I laid the gun down for a second and began reading. I can't remember to this day where in the Bible I read, but what I read caught my attention, it was speaking about how everything was going to be all right. Not in those exact words, but I understood what I was reading and I knew that whatever was making me feel scared was right outside of my house. That thought sort of scared me but here I was reading how all is going to be all right and then I read these next words, "FOR I THE LORD HAVE SPOKEN!" and that is about how I read it, there was such force to it when I was reading it I knew God had just spoken to me. I never felt anything like that before. I looked at my gun and then over to the Bible and the gun held no power compared to the Bible. I put the gun up and went to bed with my Bible. The next morning I found out my next door neighbor had been out wandering around my house that night. She had this mental condition and would wander off at times. She always seemed harmless but there were times she went into fits and could be very dangerous. She was good at walking into other peoples' homes and endangering them. She had been put away a few times before for doing this. I knew then that the night before was all real, the feelings I was having and stuff, and I knew then that maybe it was possible the Lord let me feel that, drawing me to prayer. Through it I began seeing a power I had never seen before. Yet this wasn't the kind of power hubby's family was into, even though they thought they were accessible to that power and what they all had was a gift from God. They believed in circles, candles, crystals, magic, spells, being psychic and telling someone their future, seeing and speaking to spirits, being able to get rid of the bad spirits. None of this was sitting right with me but I still couldn't explain it and felt I didn't know enough. Yet on the other hand it was always intriguing to me. I'd enjoy the stories and such but now was beginning to have my eyes opened somewhat.

I was still messing around with drugs and drinking at times and was beginning to really have it laid upon my heart that it wasn't right and felt the need to stop. I didn't though, at times I would pray and ask God to forgive me and one day I'd stop. I would keep reading the Bible whenever I had a chance. Hubby at times would say things to me that just made me feel worthless and he would always get mad if I wanted to go out to my parents and would say let them come out here and then when they would, he'd get upset, but he'd never show it except to me. I'd already let all my friends go so he wouldn't feel jealous or anything. I always felt as though I was being compared to his ex-wives. Where I wasn't clean enough in doing something or if I didn't do something they were better at seemed he let me know even though they had cheated on him or something. Every evening he had been home he expected a full dinner nothing ever simple or easy. So made sure I did my best so he would be happy. I never seemed to make him happy so I always tried harder.

I had a few more experiences, one was for about a month and a half to two-month time I kept having this dream, and then a vision, and then had another dream. In the dreams someone in my family was going to be killed. In the vision I saw these angels, one was carrying a little boy away to Heaven. I remember this so well, I had closed my eyes just for a second and saw this vision. I opened my eyes and then closed them again and saw this vision again. I knew that whoever this boy was, he was about to go home. Then I had the second dream. And I knew with all my heart these dreams and visions were connected to one another. That next day after having the second dream I paced back and forth and could not stop. Hubby asked me what was wrong and I told him the dreams and the vision. He thought about it and said to me, "Maybe God is placing it on you to pray and intercede for this person." He also said that maybe it wasn't meant for this person to be killed, maybe it wasn't their time and I'm able to pray to God about it. At the time I thought maybe it was my second oldest brother because he seemed to be hurt in one of the dreams. Well, I had to think about it all. Hubby left to go to work and it was already late in the evening and my son was in bed. All of it was still bothering me a great deal. I thought, "Ok, maybe God is calling me to pray for whoever this person was in my family." Nothing like this had ever had my attention like this before. So I went and prayed and prayed, even though I had never been good at praying and didn't pray as much as I should, I had already begun to see just how real God was, so I asked God that whoever this was, to let them live. I felt the need to pray for them and was asking God to watch over them and keep them safe. A short time later and hitting maybe around midnight, I heard a knock at the door, which scared me because no one ever comes around at that time of night. I went to the door and heard hubby and as soon as I opened the door, this huge relief hit me as if the Lord let me know all now was going to be all right. I knew then it was hubby that I was praying for. Then hubby sat and told me that there was a new moon out that night and the light inside his truck wouldn't work, he couldn't see a thing. His flashlight was gone and couldn't find his lighter. He said he knew where he had left his keys but they weren't where he had left them in the truck. He told me how strange that was because he always leaves his keys in the same place but not that night, they weren't there. He couldn't pull out and go deliver his load. The next morning when it was light out he left to go back to his truck and to his surprise his keys were sitting right where he had left them, but said the night before they weren't there. I couldn't explain it but I knew God had something to do with it. I began seeing and learning God was pretty powerful and I'd actually understood what He was saying to me in all this. God had begun showing me in little ways just how real He really is.

Then one Christmas just a couple of days after Christmas I went into a prayer crying to God to forgive me of something I didn't even do wrong. I felt so bad because of it though and felt if I'd been there maybe I could have done something to make it right. So I cried to God and asked Him to forgive me. Then all about the room I could feel this very powerful presence, unlike anything I'd ever felt before. I could feel no pain, no fear, it was all joy and you could feel the glory of it all. To me there are not enough words to describe what this felt like and no words to my knowledge that could rightfully describe what was happening. I could not see this presence but it was very real. And even though I could not hear this presence as we hear one another talk but heard Him very clearly saying, "I AM," and I knew while He was saying, "I AM," I knew this was God. Never ever again would I ever doubt there is a God. Never would I ever doubt there is indeed a loving Christ. The stories in the New Testament began opening up to me in a bit of a new way. Over some time that went by more than ever I wanted to clean up my act, no more drugs, no more drinking and stuff. I began to realize though, that it wasn't that easy to stop, not when it was there a good deal. I had found something I'd never found or ever felt before. Being in His presence you could feel all the Love that came from Him and it was something I wanted but for some reason though I couldn't seem to grab onto it.

Then I ended up pregnant again and we had moved to the upper state in which we lived in and there I was alone much of the time with the kids, had no car to drive really. My little car was constantly breaking down and I was always scared to drive it anywhere with the kids. It only took one time breaking down to never want to leave the house without hubby with me. Me and the kids broke down in this really bad part of town. I didn't have any way to call anyone and I didn't want to get out to walk up to someone's house. I was a bit scared to get out and walk with my three kids at the time. So I bowed my head and closed my eyes and prayed, asking God to bring someone along that could help me and the kids. I opened my eyes, looked up and there was a man who had parked in front of me, I didn't even hear him. He was walking up to my car. He took a look at my car and said that he then decided it was best to take me and my kids home, which he did and had my car towed back up to my house. That was the only time I had ever seen this man. I knew though that God was behind this and He was watching over us.

We weren't living behind his parents anymore and well hubby really started getting jealous and was beginning to accuse me of possibly cheating on him. He would see tire marks near our house and that's all it took. The tire marks came from the lady that lived next to us and from the people that came and went from her house. We had one recliner, our TV and a couch for our furniture, aside from our bedroom furniture and we had no phone. I was going through many cramps with this pregnancy and at times I couldn't move or walk because the baby would lodge itself into my hip and once I got stuck on the floor and couldn't get up and there was nothing around me to pull myself up. I had to let the kids do what they wanted for a short time until the pain left.

The drugs and stuff came to a halt and I was very thankful for this. I had strong urges to use, but being pregnant gave me a reason not to, and hubby wouldn't let me drink while pregnant so all this was good. Then one day I had to go lay down for a few minutes. Hubby was gone to work and wouldn't be home until that evening, I was 5 months pregnant and pain began coming every five minutes. After about 30 minutes the pain began to get worse and worse and we had no phone and no car and my oldest son was just little over 6 years old. I didn't feel right sending him out to a stranger's house to get help, so I laid there and hoped it would pass. As the pain got worse I decided it was time to call on God for help. I knew He'd be there for me so I prayed and prayed asking God to bring this pain to a stop because I felt as though I was in labor had already gone through three other pregnancies and knew what it felt like and this was it. I prayed and prayed and out of nowhere I felt the pain all of a sudden begin to fade away. I was scared to move but knew God was doing some healing. All these experiences with the Lord were teaching me something; I just didn't know it at the time. Also, I didn't realize at the time I was taking everything God was doing for granted.

Then during the last month of my pregnancy we moved and we ended up moving next to this lady I knew. She was one of the mangers of the Pizza Hut I'd worked at some years before. I knew she smoked weed because there had been times me and her did closing together and we'd go out back and smoke a joint and then go to work cleaning and getting everything together for the next working day. We had always had fun doing this when we were left to close up Pizza Hut for the night. Pills ... She did her share of pills also. She would tell me once I have that baby of mine she would set me up with pills and all of the weed I wanted. Hubby thought and said, "You know, I don't think a little weed would hurt the baby, drinking would and other drugs would but weed wouldn't." So we smoked a joint while I was still pregnant. Then this lady begin coming over at some point during the day even when hubby wasn't home and say, "Ok, I got a few minutes lets smoke this, I knew by now you'd be ready for one." We'd smoke a joint and then back to her kids she went and back to mine I went. This began to become an every other day thing and then an everyday thing. She sold weed so she could afford her weed. Also, it turned out that she claimed to be a Christian, went to church every time the door was opened, joined in with church gatherings and got involved in a lot of stuff at church, but yet here she was smoking weed, popping pills and dealing and selling drugs ... Didn't mind getting drunk either. So none of this was a good influence on me but so much I still had to learn. Getting mixed up into drugs again was so easy for me, and one of my greater temptations.

I was beginning to get so worried that I'd hurt my unborn child in me. I was so relieved when he was born he had ten fingers and ten toes and was healthy. I knew it was stupid of me doing this. I would constantly ask God for forgiveness over my stupidity, and found myself asking God to help me stop. Then one day I was cutting up this coconut trying to cut the coconut out of the shell. I had found over the years that I loved to cook, so I had in mind fixing up a couple of fresh coconut pies. Hubby had left to run some errands and so I had this huge hunting knife I always used in the kitchen, and was trying to get the coconut out. At the end of the coconut was a hole and I had knife towards my stomach when I heard hubby driving up. So I turned the knife and when he walked in I jumped. I was good at this whenever someone walked into a room, even when I knew they were coming. I also got frightened when getting close to someone. When this happened the knife slipped and went into my hand. Blood went swinging everywhere. I didn't even feel the blade go through my hand, so hadn't realized I'd cut myself. Hubby came running and grabbing my hand putting it over the sink. I couldn't believe the blood I was losing. He fixed my hand up as fast and good as he could. I realized if he hadn't come up when he did I very well could have had that knife slip and go into my stomach. I found myself very thankful for this and felt like God was still watching over me even though I was now having problems with drugs again. The next morning hubby took a look at my hand and he didn't like the way it looked. I was having trouble moving some of my fingers. He said he was wrong and that he should have taken me to the emergency room the evening before. I ended up having surgery on my hand. I had cut into a tendon and they had to go back in and sew it up. After the surgery they used morphine for the pain. Every time I woke from the surgery I'd ask for some and they gave it to me. It turned out I was allergic to it so I ended up staying a couple extra hours in the hospital until that had passed. I went home and my little brother came to stay with me while recovering from all the drugs they shot into me and also to help me out the first few days. I used that time to stay messed up. I was able to get pills here and there from my neighbor, and get weed, and now had my own prescriptions for pain meds. Hubby wasn't around during this time; he had to leave on a trip so I dealt with the hospital alone. My hand was in a cast and I had to find a way to tend to my newborn son alone after my brother left. I did just fine, but within a week's time of having had surgery, I got sick. Hubby looked at me and said I'd be fine and he had to leave again for a trip. Eventually I called my Mom and she came and got my two oldest children, the oldest son and my daughter and left me the two youngest ones. I was beginning to run fever and was feeling really bad. When hubby called I told him and he got mad with me and said. "What do you want me to do?" So I hushed up and dealt with it. For the next four days I tended to the babies but I was running around a 105 temperature. I could barely do anything. My 3 year old stayed by my side the whole time. When I slept he sat next to me playing with his toys. When I needed something to drink he'd go get me a glass of water. When the baby cried he'd wake me up so I knew and I tended to the baby. My mother-in-law came and realized how sick I was. She came down on her son really hard for leaving me like that. It made me realize how much he didn't care. He apologized and of course I forgave, and within a months time while still with a newborn babe, was pregnant again. During that pregnancy I had some complications, not major, but knew for a time there, my drug use had gotten out of hand and had asked the Lord to help me many times. The lady giving me all the drugs, it turned out her husband got a transfer in his job and she had to move. This was good because this cut off my drug supply. Hubby hadn't even realized how much I was doing, but knew I'd been smoking my share of weed. He didn't say a whole lot about it though.

We up and moved within one day's time. Hubby didn't give me chance to pack everything so I lost lots of my stuff, but I didn't complain, it was as it was. This happened every time we moved; he'd leave half of our stuff behind. We moved in with my Mom for a short time and then my mother-in-law for a short time. Then a house came available to us and we moved just maybe three miles away from my parents and our kids began going to the school I grew up in. We had lost our last two places we lived and our credit was shot, but now we were renting a place. For the next years to come I'd come to know Christ in a way I never thought possible. Many good things happened spiritually and many bad things happened. I had my tubes cut and tied after this pregnancy; I didn't want to go through that again. No Way! We got home and the days after I got home my Mom had brought over a pot of butter beans mixed with ham, she knew how much I loved that. Well, that evening I was hungry and wanted to eat. Hubby for the first time was doing everything. I wasn't able to get right up after this pregnancy and do things. He was really trying to be a good husband and I was enjoying it. The house was a huge mess; he wasn't good at cleaning found that out real fast. The kids had toys and stuff everywhere. Well, I made my way to the kitchen and took out this pot of beans. It was a glass pot, and I knew better but didn't feel like going through heating up just one bowl, so I sat the whole pot on the eye of the stove to heat all of it up. I knew better than to heat up glass like that after being in the fridge but figured it would be all right just once. My oldest son was spending the night at my Mom's and our daughter didn't always like staying in her room alone so she was asleep in her brother's room. She had taken over my oldest son's bed for the night. All the kids were asleep in their beds. Hubby was in living room watching television, which was right next to our older son's bedroom. As the beans were heating up, and fast at that, I didn't want to stand there any longer than I had to. Something kept telling me to stop or this glass pot was going to break. I wouldn't listen to myself though, and next thing I knew hubby yelled out to come fast. My daughter was crying out loud for me to come to her. I jumped a bit because it somewhat scared me, so I left the pot there and left the kitchen as fast as I could move at the time. The moment I took the first step out of the kitchen we both heard a loud explosion. I turned around and looked and the glass pot had exploded into a million pieces, melting into the counter tops and the floor and the walls. I had been standing there right in front of it stirring the beans just a couple of seconds before. Hubby came running to see what happened and he said to go check on our daughter while he began cleaning up the mess. I wasn't physically able to. I went in and checked on our daughter and she was sound asleep with a smile on her face. I knew right then that the Lord used her to get me out of the kitchen.

Awesome was the Lord and I knew He was watching over me and again I took it for granted. Before I knew it hubby decided for old times sake he was going to get some cocaine for us. I knew right then and there I should have said no, but knew hubby would do as he wanted to anyhow. I had also been using the pain meds that were prescribed to me and was using them the right way and not abusing them, but to add coke in with that wasn't good on my part, within maybe a week or two after giving birth. I was heading right back to where I was again before getting pregnant. This was supposed to be a one time thing but then hubby began buying it a great deal. He had a good job now, bringing in a couple of thousand dollars a week and we were able to afford it. The next thing I knew he had connected up with some of his old friends and sure enough, we got right into smoking weed. I was popping pills, drinking, hubby would love going and getting a bottle of whisky and then there was the cocaine now. This kind of stuff I couldn't say no to. I knew this was wrong and knew I was throwing everything back into God's face by doing this. I began praying a lot, asking God to forgive me and help me; because now I knew I'd never be able to bring this to a stop on my own. Some weeks passed by and I was smoking a joint when waking up and then throughout the day. Whenever hubby was in I was snorting coke and drinking. Pills weren't as easy to come by so that was just here and there. During all this time I thought, "Ok, I can't say no, but I can still read and begin studying the Bible. Maybe through it I can get the strength to stop on my own." It wasn't that easy ... I wasn't stopping. Praying didn't seem to do it either and I thought, "Here I am praying, reading, studying the Bible, talking to God, and here I am doing drugs." The combination felt deadly and I knew eventually something was gonna have to give. I kept trying to stop and ended right back lighting up a joint. It did the trick until we had some coke or something to drink. Then I managed to stop for a few days straight ... Nothing ... Even hubby was saying, "We're doing pretty good staying clean a few days straight." Then one evening, a friend of his came over with his girlfriend. They came in with an eight ball of coke, a bag full of weed and hubby just went out and bought a bottle of whisky. We sent the kids to bed and told them to stay there. Usually we would disappear into the bedroom but this time friends were here with us, so we sat at the kitchen table. I sat there thinking how wrong this was. I remember that so clearly, and thinking I can't do this, but then hubby would only get upset or something so I joined in because when it came down to it, I couldn't say no to it no matter how much I wanted to. For the next few hours straight we'd sit there snorting coke, smoking one joint right after another, and taking one shot after another of whiskey. Until this day it seemed pills were there also but I can't remember to well. Either way we four were so wasted. Once the coke was gone and we smoked one last joint they had to get going because both of them had to go to work the next day. It was already getting somewhat late. They left, and hubby got up, but as for me, well, I wasn't feeling to good. I managed to get up and make it to the bathroom and sat down on the rug there next to the tub. My heart was racing my head had begun hurting so bad it felt as though I had to hold it together. I felt like throwing up but couldn't. I was having a hard time breathing, It was as if I was drowning in all the drugs I'd put into me.

The Time of Salvation

I couldn't hold my head up any longer and I began praying, asking God to forgive me and for the Lord to take me right here and right now. "Take me or heal me." I told the Lord and I meant what I said, that if He healed me I'd try much harder and clean my act up. I sat there and just talked and prayed to God for maybe 40 minutes. Then just within no time I began feeling straight again. I was able to get up and the high was gone and I wasn't drunk. My head stopped hurting a great deal. I knew God was healing me and I walked out of the bathroom straight with all my senses with me. I knew I had to be close to the point of death and I had accidentally overdosed. Hubby came over and said he was worried about me, he realized I'd done too much. I told him I felt fine now ... It was over. He was still pretty messed up and I was standing there straight. I didn't know how to explain it to him so I left it at that, but I knew God was healing me. I prayed and told God I could stop but not on my own and truly needed His help. I prayed and prayed for Him to bring it to a stop for me before this happened again, next time I might not be so lucky. God could have very well said enough was enough and allowed me to die. Yet He didn't, for the first time I think I began realizing something. After all this time, all the experiences the Lord had laid upon me, there was one thing I did not acknowledge and that was Christ. I knew everything Christ did for me and everything else but I took it for granted. I was not acknowledging Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and I know this is what God wanted of me, to acknowledge His Son. For the first time I was acknowledging how much I needed Jesus. I had been acknowledging the Father but not the Son. I realized this was my HUGE mistake. You cannot have one without the other and if I wanted a true and real relationship, then I had to accept Jesus as my Savior, He was indeed Lord. I'll never forget around the time of this happening, I was walking into my study and thinking how much I need Jesus. Jesus is the Son of the Father, His only begotten Son who died for my sins. All my sins, at this knew I was forgiven and now could feel for the first time a new Spirit entering into me. I took on a dramatic change. Hubby took a real fast notice and he wasn't sure He liked it. The drugs came to a fast end, though I slipped a few times smoking a joint alone, but that came to a stop, to a full halt.

Hubby lost his job a few days later when his company threw a random drug test his way. He had tried washing his system out but knew there was a strong chance of that not working. When getting the results back of the test he failed for having cocaine and weed in his system, and in turn lost his job. At the same time some other things took place and all of a sudden, just like that, an over night thing, we were (can't remember exactly) somewhere between 20,000 to 40,000 dollars in debt. Yeah, the drugs and everything had come to a halt. Hubby had already begun selling off some of his things to get his coke but after this random drug test and now this, it all came to a complete stop. I on the other hand was happy while hubby was beginning to hit some depression. I knew God was working because by bringing hubby to a stop it helped bring me to a stop.

Hubby wasn't sure about this new light in my eyes and began questioning me here and there. He was suspecting me of having an affair. I wasn't. Sometime back before the drugs come to a stop, I had already started going to Church. So his thoughts went to the church. He thought I must have been having an affair with someone at Church. Again, I wasn't. He suspected the minister and then the youth minister and I had admitted to him that I had become friends with the youth minister. He mistook that; we along with two other females and two other guys in the church were setting up a program for the teens. Our arguments began to get really bad. My little girl wanted to be a girl scout and so I ended up becoming a girl scout leader, at church was helping out in Sunday School, and became the back up Sunday School teacher when ever the Sunday School teacher couldn't make it to church for some reason. During all this time, I had begun having dreams, a few bad ones. In one satan the devil was talking to me. We were in this room, just me and him, and he was trying to talk me into rejoining his side. I kept telling him no, I now belong to Jesus and could never belong to him again. He then came so close to me and soooo fast that I found myself scared to move. He just got into my face and then walking around me said, "Do you not know I can't touch you?" Then I woke up. I had other dreams of the devil coming at me in one way or another. In giving myself over to Christ, I found myself on a whole new battlefield fighting a different kind of war.

Another dream I had though, one that also changed my life and it woke me up and opened my eyes to many things. The dream ... My youngest son was still no more then a newborn babe, really only months old and still a good ways from being a year old. Things were now happening on a fast track. In the dream it was me and my son with me. Hubby took us to this place where he thought we would be safe. The followers were after us and we had to hide out. This place had no windows and only one door. Hubby left us there and then out of everywhere the followers of satan were coming in all around trying to get to us. I cried out to God and said, "God you said whenever I needed you, just call on you and you would help me." Then out of nowhere and from everywhere these other men came in and fought on our behalf protecting me and my son. One man stood next to me fighting and not letting anyone get to us. I recognized this man and knew him but didn't know from where. Could only see him from the back. Then I woke up, got up and went to check on my son in his crib he was wide-awake and smiling, happy to see me. After a short time I went to sleep and fell asleep thinking about who this man was and knew God had indeed protected me in a dream but then I'd also questioned if this really was a dream, it was so real like something actually happening, but yet not in the realm in which we live. I know that sounds crazy but it's the truth, everything in that dream felt so real.

Over the next few days I considered this man, I couldn't help it, I knew this man but could not figure how I knew him. This dream had been so real, so I asked God about it and asked Him to reveal to me this dream. I opened up my Bible to do a little reading and just opened it up to wherever, and the first thing I read was, "For He shall give His angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways." It hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew exactly who this man was. God had set over me a guardian angel and he had been there when I was a little girl and he came in and touched me on my shoulder. Then another time he had come and stood in my doorway and watched over me. Then as a young adult I had felt his presence in my living room with me sitting just a few feet away from him. It was the man I told my husband that I didn't know how but knew the day would come when I'd know who he was. Now that day had come. This here wasn't just any angel, this was the angel of the Lord's. God was letting me know right then and there He had always been there watching me, He choose me, and that's why I was touched on the shoulder. He let me know through all of them awful years of rebelling because of the sexual abuse, He knew, and that brought tears to my eyes because here I was thinking no one ever knew. It was my secret and the times I had wished someone had known but could never tell anyone, now I knew God knew. All the times He revealed Himself to me, He showed me He was always there and He waited until the time was right to reveal this because I wasn't ready before. He let me know He would never leave me nor forsake me. He'd always be here, and so many times I had taken it all for granted.

Within a few days of all of this, God let me know something else. I could hear Him as He spoke to me, not in a voice as you, or me, but I could hear Him clearly. He was going to teach me prophecy. Well this scared the heck out of me. I read and studied the Bible some but the Bible was yet a very unclear thing to me. It was a strange language still to me for the most part and prophecy, I knew nothing of it. The only thing I knew was that the Bible spoke of false prophets rising. I told all of this to God and said, "I'm sorry Lord but 'No,' I only want to read and learn the things you're already teaching me." I was so happy with just that. I left it at that and said no more to God about it. I was a little nervous though about telling God no, I didn't think that was such a wise thing to do.

Over the next year though, Hubby was arguing with me. I wanted to go back to school and do home schooling and get my GED or diploma, so I started back and was helping in Sunday School, and had just become a Girl scout leader. One thing I haven't mentioned is my artwork. I loved art and always had. I would love sitting and creating crafts, sketching, painted when I could, I love to just sit and draw, it was something I was good at. I had been working on this one craft piece and had begun selling them around in lots of places so I stayed busy making more to sell. I didn't make a lot but it was a little, then Avon came along and I hoped I would begin selling my artwork through them. I ended up turning them down, it wasn't what I wanted anymore. Instead wanted to devote my time to reading and studying the Word of God and the piece that I had been working with was of another religion which is in disagreement much to Christianity so I felt this had to stop and it was the right thing with God. Hubby and everyone else couldn't believe I gave up a chance like that, until this day they still don't let me live that down.

My time though was being taken up and hubby didn't like it at all. He said I'd changed and I had no right to do that. Our arguing one-day got out of control and I ended up taking a beating from him. From there he began following me wherever I went when he was home off the road. When he was on the road he was constantly accusing me of being out with someone, He said I wasn't home when he called. I would try telling him I'd only gone to my Mom's or gone to the store to pick up some things or taken the trash off. He wouldn't believe me. Then he let me know that he had friends who were also watching me and they knew when I wasn't home. I began to slip a little bit and wanted to drink so I'd go and get me a small bottle of something, and when he wasn't home and kids were in bed I'd sit and do a little drinking alone. No one knew. I knew God knew and asked Him to understand. That didn't make my drinking right to do, I just wasn't sure how to handle things and as usual dealt with things the wrong way. The abuse kept on and I began blinking out again as I had done as a teen, all that abuse was coming back to me some. It was as if I had forgotten it. During times of blinking out I couldn't remember things. Hours past by and then it hit me I hadn't a clue as to what I had been doing.

Only push it all to the side, hubby never knew about any of the past abuse even though he had questioned it at one time. And he didn't know about the blinking out I had been going through, and now was sure I'd never tell him. He took it all as me being absent minded and now he himself was now one more abuser to my list and for the first time I began looking back on how mentally and emotionally abusive he had been over the years. I realized that I did nothing but jump from one abusive situation to another. I stopped doing my schooling, stopped going to church, didn't have any friends, stopped having friends years before that to make him happy. Hubby had gotten so mad with me when I went to the pastor and spoke to him just a little about what was going on. He threatened to walk into the church and make a scene there. One Sunday I got baptized again. As a little girl I did not know what it meant to be saved, so I wasn't truly saved then. Maybe it was like a seed planted that one day would sprout, but I sure wasn't saved then. I listened to music almost 24/7, now the only music I listened to was Christian and a little mixture here and there. I loved listening through the day and then at night whenever hubby was on the road. I wasn't drinking daily but whenever I'd begin to get stressed out, then I'd pour a drink to help calm me, sometimes two, three or even four. That only lasted for so long, maybe three weeks, hubby figured it out and was outraged and he only began throwing this and that in my face accusing me some more and called me horrible names. He'd tell me how terrible of a Mom I was and the kids heard much of this. If I tried defending myself he'd usually whisper in my ear how he could get rid of me. It only made me want to drink more, yet I didn't. I turned to Jesus instead and sit in bed at night whether hubby was home or in the living room watching television, sit and hug my pillow and ask Jesus to help me, and please come get me, or ask to give me the strength to hold on and ask Jesus to wake hubby up. At times he explained how he knew how to kill someone without a trace. It was as if he made sure I knew this. There had been a few times he threatened to kill me. Also he let me know how things were to be, God made him the man of the house and I had no right talking to any preacher about anything. He also made sure I knew he did not let anyone outside of him to teach his kids what they are to believe. So, yes, I did stop going to church. I didn't know what else to do. So much was happening. Outside of talking to my Mom at times (and they knew nothing of what was going on), I hid it and hid it good. I talked to no one ... Kept to myself. I studied, prayed, read, and talked to God. The drinking stopped about as fast as it began.

One day I was standing in the kitchen and began crying. I couldn't help myself, and then I felt the Lord's presence in the room and He was letting me know He was there. And at that moment a song came on and I knew the Lord was truly speaking to me. I never heard this song before; it was brand new and was hitting the charts pretty fast. It didn't hit me right at first but I was just standing still while taking in the Lord's Presence within the room. Then I heard. "My Deliverer is coming, My Deliverer is standing by." I felt the Lord so strong and laying on my heart He was indeed standing by, then the words that really touched me were, "He will never break His promise, He has written it upon the sky." This was a promise I'd hold onto. It was something I so needed to hear and feel from the Lord. Around this same time I had looked out of the window and looked out across the sky and I seen the most beautiful sky. The clouds had shaped this waterfall and the water fell into a stream like a river and the clouds were moving which made it look as through the water was flowing and the colors of it were just awesome, it was a mixture of white and red and I felt the Holy Spirit placed upon my heart, "by His blood." It placed the biggest smile on my face being able to feel this at this time. After this I began paying more attention to the sky and storms and such. It just fascinated me to no end and still does a great deal today. "Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest."

For the next whole year going through so much in my marriage, a day didn't go by that I didn't feel the presence of the Lord or be able to feel the Holy Spirit placing upon my heart some revelation. Everyday I had gotten to a place at some time that I would either break down crying alone or was very close to breaking down and I would cry to God and it never failed, at that moment, no matter where I was, at home, in my car, or wherever, it was at those moments the song "My Deliverer" came on. It never failed, and to this day the same song will come on wherever I'm at and I'm stressed to no end or ready to break down and I'm silently calling out to Christ. It has been a true blessing. Over the last couple of years I have to honestly say I've been more than ready to go home and have begged God to let me come on home. Three times now in the last couple of years has God used this song in different ways to give me a message. When I have broken down and wishing I could just leave out of here and then the presence of the Lord would come into the room and could feel Jesus and hear Him saying things to me. The first time, He said, "I'm coming, hold on." The second time, He said, "I'm at the door, hold on." And then the third time, I was in a line of cars ready to pick up my kids from school and was trying to hold it together. I was playing a CD and had some of my favorite songs playing, each song this day was catching my attention and the last one to come on was My Deliverer, and I felt Jesus and Him telling me, "Hold on a little while longer, I'm on My way." Well, I couldn't help but just sit there and cry. Over time I have thought on this and this is what the Holy Spirit has laid upon my heart. A thousand years to us is but no more than a day to God, so one year or two or three years is no more then a minute to a few minutes. So whether it's this year or in the next few years, know this one thing Jesus has said to me, He is on His way then. He is on His way to receive us unto Himself in the air. Have you ever woken up during the night and everything is dark and then a light is turned on? Jesus is at the door, and when that door is opened a light greater than we have ever seen will shine, "For as the lightning, that lighteneth out of the one part under Heaven, shineth unto the other part under Heaven; so shall also the Son of man be in his day." The Heavens shall open up as a scroll, clouds parting and mountains are going to be moved for the earth will shake at His presence and the Father is going to say, "Son go receive your sheep in which I have given you." It shall be a great day of awakening to them who were not ready and the Holy Spirit shall move through the people and search them out whom also belongs to the Lord and whosoever calls on the name of the Lord after that great and terrible day shall be saved.

Going back to that first year, becoming a Christian and the Lord let me know He was going to teach me prophecy and I had told Him, 'no.' But by the time that first year was up I was so far and deep into prophecy, and I did not know it. I sat back and laughed because the Lord taught me anyways, and before I knew it, I was so far into His prophecy that I found I loved it, as a kid in a candy store ready to receive all the candy he or she can get their hands on. All I could do was thank God for teaching me and asked the Lord to teach me all He wanted me to know. It has not been an easy road to travel though. The book of Revelation was not an easy one for me and even though the Lord by His Spirit had been teaching me prophecy still this book Revelation wasn't one I had but read a few times and it didn't make much sense to me. Over the years God has placed in my hands the books I've needed to learn and study from, and one of the first books was a KJV Strong's Concordance of the Bible. It came to me while hubby was moving furniture and a box had got left behind and we did not who it had belonged to, it had not been marked on the list, so when no one called in and claimed a box missing it was ours to keep only a few things were mixed in among the box and one was this huge book. I had looked at it and didn't have a clue as to what it was, but I knew it had to do with the Bible so I kept it and placed it on my bookshelf. Months and months later would I finally pick it up and realized what it was and realized God had given this to me to help me study. The second book God placed in my hands was the Writings of Enoch. This is how clueless I was, though God had let me know He was going to teach me prophecy, and me saying no, God had other plans and knew where my studies would take me. The one thing I wanted to learn more then anything at the time was the bad spirits that I could feel all around me. When accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I now had been given a new and clean Spirit within me and all the bad spirits could now feel the evil of them all and they were all still lingering around. So I went into a study of fallen angels. I accidentally checked out the book of Enoch because so much other stuff was going on and I didn't get a chance to read it before having to return it to the library. So the day I returned it, I realized what I had and missed reading it. I wasn't able to renew it at this time, so I waited until I could go back and get it and read it. When I did, I had told my Mom about it and she got interested and decided to join in with me. So for the first time we were going to do some studying together. We went to the library to get this book and it turned out they didn't have it anymore. I figured, oh well, this isn't a book God wants us to have, so we began to leave, and behind us a man comes running through the library and says are you the one looking for the writings of Enoch? I said yes. He said he can get it for me and said to follow him. We went to the counter and He looked up on his computer and said, Here, read and sign this, this is for an inter loan, it's where you are able to check out books from other libraries and university libraries. He found a set of the writings from an university in the next state away and he had them brought down a few days later, and me and my mom had a HUGE two volume set of Enoch's Writings before us. For 12 weeks we got to keep these writings and I was very intrigued with these writings. It was an awesome study and it helped me understand more things going on in the world. It helped open my eyes to how the fallen angels had worked back in the time of Enoch and Noah and I could see how they were working today in the world and then some of what was yet to come. One of my daily prayers was, "Lord open my eyes, open my ears to what you want me to see and hear," and that's exactly what God was doing. Not only was I learning of things that were going on around me, I was learning what was going on in the world. And it has been truly sad to see.

7 Songs of Revelation

Many other books would the Lord place in my hands to read and consider. The book of Revelation was before me and it was still a mystery to me. All this was taking place the first year as a Christian. I spent much of my time reading studying, looking things up but there was one thing I could not seem to be able to do and that was to be able to take one part of the Bible and compare it to another part of the Bible. Yes I had learned a lot when it came to prophecy and had learned about the fallen angels and they were playing out their own roles in the world doing the bidding of the devil. I would listen to preachers and teachers and they could do this and it frustrated me that I couldn't do this. I would pray many times asking God to teach me by His Spirit. I would ask, "Teach me to be able to place right events with other places in the Bible that also spoke of the same events, that could parallel to one another, so to be able to take in an even better and deeper understanding." With a learning disability it took longer for me to catch on to things but I wouldn't give up, I wanted to learn all God's Spirit would teach me. On some evenings, actually many evenings, I would go into my bedroom after getting the kids to sleep and hubby was on the road, and would take my studies and take it all to my bedroom and lay everything out and do my studying there.

One night I sat and decided to read through Revelation again. I was having a hard time understanding it and really wanted to. I was in Chapter 4. I read it, and kept reading Chapter 5, 6 and 7, and I began to notice something in those chapters ... The songs that were mentioned. So I went back and marked each one and then read first one, and then the next, turned the page to the third one and so on. It turned out there were 7 parts of a song that's being sung between, Chapter 4 thru Chapter 7. I found this quite interesting and loved the songs sung. So I decided that I'd write each one out and then read them as a whole, but yet kept them separated. I wrote them out and was so excited about this that I decided when I was done writing them out I'll read them as reading it to the Lord Himself.

I did that very thing, wrote them all out and I sat back and said a small prayer to the Lord and then I begin to read and didn't stop. Tears began coming to my eyes as I read and then as I was coming to the last verses I noticed the song that was being sung on the radio. The lady singing was singing the same thing I was reading. I just kept reading as she kept singing. I didn't stop. Tears were streaming down my eyes and I could feel the joy of the Lord and His presence surrounding me and I heard as I finished, a small soft whisper "You did it, you've taken one part of the Bible and placed it with another part, that's how its done."

1. Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. Rev.4:11
2. And they sung a new song, saying, Thou art worthy to take the book, and to open the Seals thereof: for thou wast slain, and hast redeemed us to God by thy blood out of every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation; / And hast made us unto our God kings and priests: and we shall reign on the earth. Rev.5:9-10
3. Saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing. Rev.5:12
4. And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever. Rev.5:13
5. Amen Rev.15:14
6. And cried with a loud voice, saying, Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb. Rev.7:10
7. Saying, Amen: Blessing, and glory, and wisdom, and thanksgiving, and honour, and power, and might, be unto our God for ever and ever. Amen. Rev.7:12

If I'm not mistaken it was about this time that my favorite number became '7.' Part of Psalm 106 says, " ... let all the people say, Amen ... " Amen means to confirm, establish, verify; to trust, or give confidence, its full of truth, firmness, trust, confidence. The more staying in the Word the closer I seemed to feel to God and for me this was my safe place. It has been the only true place of being safe.

Belonging to the Temple of Jesus

After some time I'd isolated myself from the whole world trying to please hubby but nothing worked and I wanted to be in church so bad. An opportunity came up and a preacher I knew came to my house, him and the youth minister. They came to ask me if I'd come teach Sunday school for them. They started a new church and did not have a teacher yet for the kids. Hubby seemed to be in a good mood and at the time things had calmed down. So he said if you want to do this go ahead. So me and the kids started back to church. Sunday school started somewhat small considering I had maybe up to 8 kids then including my 5. But the problem was it was all ages from little kids to teens. So each Sunday I had to come up with a way for all the ages to understand the Sunday school lesson for that week. For the most part it went smoothly. My youngest son, he was only 2 years old at the time. He really belonged in a nursery but the church didn't have one yet so my son would go into church with me. Well babies, especially those around 3 or 4 and under that age, when they get sleepy they get cranky. One Sunday he was really cranking and nothing was helping much to calm him so at one point I got up and walked outside with him and calmed him down and then went back into church. After maybe ten minutes he was beginning to get cranky again. This one lady kept looking back at me. I could tell she wasn't happy. After church services, I was gathering up all the kids and getting them into my car and the lady that wasn't so happy that my son was making so much noise in church came up to my car. She came down on me and said I need to take that child and give him a good spanking for fooling around and making so much noise during church. I tried letting it go and said I'm sorry for all, and that he's just cranky ready for a nap. He was in the car and started getting cranky again and this lady was about to walk away but then she turned grabbed my car door and started getting on my kids, Ohh, that was a mistake. That's like trying to mess with a mother bear's cubs. I put my hand on her wrist and pulled her away and said, "Lady, that's my kids there and you have no right." She looked at me like I had lost my mind. Then I said, "That little boy there you're jumping all over is only about 2 yrs old, he's a baby who is sleepy and ready for sleep." She backed off real fast and started walking away, then turned around again and came back and said, "I'm soo sorry I didn't realize. I'm really sorry." I said, "That's all right." She turned and left. I was now running late getting home and hubby was already beginning to get more and more upset that I was back in church and coming down on me for it. So now I was worried about that and on way home tears came to my eyes about what had just happened, and the fact that I knew hubby would be mad. So I prayed all the way home. Not about hubby and being late but for the lady. I asked God to help her and may His Will be done. After getting home hubby wasn't there, so I got the kids settled down and went to my bedroom and got on my knees and prayed some more for this lady, asking God again that His Will be done.

A few days later when I was at the school house picking the kids up from school, the youth minister saw me and came over to my car. I got out to talk with him, and he apologized for what had happened and told me that the lady had been under lots of pressure lately and was also taking care of her blind brother. Now I begin realizing why it was on me so heavy to pray for her. Then he told me something that shocked me. He said this lady was found dead, she was found that Monday afternoon. She had been home alone and they found her in her hallway. At the time and I never did find out but at the time they said no one knew what killed her. She seemed to just drop dead right there in her hallway. Never have I seen a death that affected me the way hers did. Until this day I still don't know what her name was. I'm not sure if she was saved, but that wasn't my judgment, that belongs to Christ. I tried remembering everything I had prayed for but the one thing that stuck out in my mind was for God's Will to be done and I prayed that over and over. So this told me it was her time to go. I like to think she was saved but I'm not sure. It has taught me a lesson, always watch how you pray, prayer is very, very important and also very, very powerful. When you meet someone, you don't know what will happen to them the very next hour or next day. They may very well be taking their last steps upon this life time, and are they saved, do they know Christ? When a bad situation arises how are we to handle it? An eye for an eye, or turning the other cheek?

Some weeks went by and I didn't return to that church. Something about it didn't feel right, within a year's time that church shut down. I found out that the pastor ended up having an affair outside of his marriage. I knew something didn't feel right and after what happen with the lady, it didn't feel right for me to return, now I knew I had made the right decision had felt guilty cause I didn't return. I'd come to learn some things through this. How to pray in a more affective way, and how to better discern between spirits. It also made me realize you never know when you see someone if they are saved. Some you can tell they are not saved, sometimes though it's not so easily noticed. I also began learning some of the hardest people to witness to are them who are Christians. Yes, even Christians are in need of sometimes being witnessed to at times.

I'd gotten to a place though that I really wanted to be in church around other believers. It was something I was lacking a lot of. One day the Lord stopped me dead in my tracks and I heard him speaking to me. He laid it on my heart so heavy that I started crying right there. He said, "You belong to a church, you belong to me, to my Temple for I am the Temple." I had to stand there for a few moments to soak all that in. Afterwards it helped me feel so much better, I stopped downing myself that I wasn't in church at the moment but knew it was during this time I'd spend getting even closer to the Lord.

For the next years to come I didn't return back to church for quite sometime, but for hours and hours at a time each day, whether from 2 hours or up to 16 hours a day I read, studied prayed, talked to God. Some days when really getting into it would go 24 hours or more straight, studying. It always seemed I was good at disappointing others, and the last one I ever wanted to disappoint was the Lord, so spending all my extra time with the Lord and studying His Word was and is a little sacrifice compared to the Revelations He was placing upon me. Being it's the only love I've known, then it was worth what ever others had to say or thought or do with me. During these times of study I'd stop long enough to do what needed to be done around the house, and take care of the kids. I was constantly taking care of the kids while studying.

God Teaching Me Prophecy

Since confessing Jesus as my Lord and Savior, things in me, and my life, changed somewhat dramatically. Like I stepped onto a whole new battlefield and at times felt maybe I was placed on the front line. At least that's how it has felt. I took on an immediate change and there was now a new Spirit about me and could feel all the other spirits around. For the first time I could feel what Spirit had kept me captive while without Christ. I married into some bad things and now I could feel the spirits that were controlling that. It was evil and now I wanted to understand it and know what it was that I was feeling all around me. I figure if God's Word was all true then somewhere in the Bible it could explain to me what it was I was feeling all around me. I had also come to the verse Jude 14, "And Enoch also, the seventh from Adam, prophesied of these, saying, Behold, the Lord cometh with ten thousands of His saints ... " Now I realized this wasn't mentioned anywhere else in the Bible so Jude also had read and studied the prophecies of Enoch. So Everything the Lord was teaching me and bringing to my attention was awesome. After coming to the realization that prophecy was indeed what I loved, I couldn't tell God "no" any more and thanked Him instead. I hadn't known this is where I was headed all along and God was already before me with His Spirit leading the way.

Little did I know but the Lord was about to take me on a new journey, that in no way did I see coming. Laying across the floor one day I'd been reading and taking notes. Revelation was a book I'd read several times but had a hard time understanding the symbolic meanings and such. I kept going back to it many times. The Lord had already used Revelation as a special way to showing me an awesome song within. So I knew the time was coming to learn what Revelation was all about. In the rest of the Bible I was learning much when it came to prophecy, but much was missing, at least to what I knew and understood. By listening to other preachers preaching on the rapture of the church and from all I knew, the rapture would be taking place before any of the judgments of Revelation mentioned, then by the end of the tribulation period Israel would be saved and to hear some one say there was going to be a mid-tribulation rapture was just nonsense. At least I thought that's how it all went. It turned out I was listening more to what man had to say about this subject than I'd been listening to God. I was listening and studying as they seen and studied it, but now God was about to awaken me up to a whole new level of understanding.

I'd been studying and now knew enough that when I came across a certain verse it caught my attention. To this day I cannot remember which verse it was that caught my attention in such a way as it did. I got off the floor, began pacing back and forth asking God questions, talking, and then got the telephone and called my Mom asked her to read that verse. She read it and then she came to a halt and said something isn't right here, this isn't a pre-tribulation rapture. I said nope it isn't, so where is the pre-tribulation rapture seen in Scripture. She said we are missing something, and I said yep we sure are and apparently all the preachers we listen too are also missing something, there is a huge gap missing in their logic. Up to this point it all made sense and seemed to fit with scripture.

Afterwards I would pace back and forth talking and praying to God on this matter. I decided it was time for me to begin a new way of studying. The way I'd been studying wasn't cutting it. Being born with a learning disability there were some challenges, but yet it was also very natural to me. Trying to do things everyone else's way wasn't so easy to pick up on and understand. I knew God had been teaching me and now beginning to point this new truth out to me and I wanted to be able to understand every bit of what God by His Spirit was laying upon my heart. As a child I had to lay everything down in front of me as was it given to me, and then had to break it down and replace everything back together as it was in front of me ... Like a puzzle. You have the picture on the box to look at everything in its right place, just as the Bible. Then you open up the box (Bible) and you have all these pieces. I didn't know where to begin first. With a puzzle I usually start with the edge pieces. So I began reading Revelation AGAIN, It's at the end of the Bible and speaks of the end times and then also by listening to the different theories of the rapture. With that I was able to begin picking out other end times pieces throughout the Bible.

I found out real fast that most people believe in a pre-tribulation and not a mid-tribulation rapture. Then there are some that believe in a post but not a pre or mid tribulation raptures. Then I found that whichever way one believed in, they would not even consider anything else other then what they believed. Point blank, nothing else to consider. Then I came across this verse, something Paul said ... "Despise not prophesying. Prove all things; hold fast that which is good." 1 Thessalonians 5:20-21. I understood why many did this but was it completely right in how they perceived it? So I set out to prove each theory. Each theory somewhat held truth and somewhat didn't make sense. Each had good arguments to them. The problem though is, they couldn't all be right. So I started testing each theory. I was reading through Revelation over and over. The one thing that stuck out in my mind more then any other thing was the Sixth Seal. The sun black as sackcloth, the moon the color of blood. You see, this took me back to a dream I had a few years before, even before I'd become a Christian. I hadn't realized then that the day would come about when it may turn out to be true.

The dream was ... We lived in a place I did not know, and wasn't familiar with. I had gone to my mother-in-law's house, which I also did not know. It seems there was an earthquake but it's the only part I'm unsure of happening in the dream, the rest of the dream I remember very well. We all had to rush into my mother-in-law's house to escape the storm that was coming. An awful flood was on its way, and the sun had become black but yet could not be seen. It had grown dark and later the moon, which could be seen, had became the color of blood. I ran into the bathroom and took shelter in the shower stall while the flood passed. After it was all over I stood outside and looked at the moon as the color of blood. You could see the damage of the flood everywhere almost as though I could see the whole earth and here and there it was flooded. There were fires going on here and there also as though I could see it throughout the earth. It was time for me to go to my Mom's house because we were supposed to be going somewhere very important. The funny thing was though, there was nowhere to go, and most every place was either flooded or on fire but it was very important to go to my Mom's house. I left and just down this road there were these kids, one or two of them and they were no more then 9 or 10 years of age, yet they were stopping me from going to my Mom's house. They had guns. There were three or four kids in total; the other two were a bit older but only young teens. I had stopped but then began driving away. They didn't want me driving away, but weren't able to stop me. Then I woke up as I was heading to my Mom's house. So you see this alone drew me to the Sixth Seal. I began wondering if God Himself laid this dream on me to help get my attention and teach me. One day as I was doing some chores around the house I remembered this dream and out of nowhere, I could feel the Lord by His Spirit and could feel what the Holy Spirit was telling me about the dream, "The dream is true, you will see". What makes this dream even more real to me these days is the fact that in the dream the places were not familiar to me, but now they are. My mother and father-in-law soon moved to a new place, and it turned out to be the house in my dream. Today we live not far away down the road, and the road in which I was on and the kids stopped me having guns in their hands is a road not far from me and a road I used to travel on. And the part of the dream where I had to be at my Mom's house because we were going somewhere important yet there was nowhere to go is because of the flooding and fires, and all is because we do have somewhere important to go. My Mom had a dream one night and in that dream she witnessed her, me and my little brother's wife together and we were raptured. At the same time I had a vision, I got to witness the clouds rolling opening with a great light coming into view and knew the Lord was on His way and we were about to meet the Lord in the air.

So you see this took me into a study on the Seals. God used this as a way of grabbing hold of me and teaching me. Here I am thinking, "Ok, I'm gonna be here to see this, and I'm now convinced that what I was seeing was all part of the Sixth Seal. It's just something I knew with all my heart. I would speak to God about this and begin asking questions. If I were here to see this, then where is a pre-tribulation rapture? Here I've been taught the rapture would take place before any of the Seals. None of it was making sense to me. I took it to my Mom and she would tell me, "No, that can't be." I showed my older brother and he was just beginning to get into the Bible and turn his life around, and prophecy intrigued him a great deal. With this change in him, I was willing for the first time begin to forgive him for what he had done to me as a teen. God had him and that seemed right. So I'd try sharing things with him and at same time still kept my distance from him. He was my brother and things that happened as a teen was in the past. I'd been guilty of many things myself. At least I thought it was in the past but I'll share more about that later. At first he listened and then after a few weeks he came back with the same theory I'd believed for a long time. He said I was wrong and everyone was telling him differently and that they had been studying this stuff for a long time, for years. I said I believed the same thing until God began showing me things differently. We went our own ways though ... He said he had to do his own studying.

I kept doing my own studying, researching, looking up everything, seeking God in everything. Hubby ... Well he would get so upset with me because I always kept my nose in a book. He'd at times say it's good that you're doing this, but too much is too much, but he'd say I'm glad you're doing this. At other times he'd get so mad with me trying to share something I'd learn and it would always end in an argument, with him always having the last word and putting me down for trying to share something with him. He said, "No, that's not what you're doing, you're trying to make me believe what you believe, you have no right to try to change my beliefs." So I'd go to my Mom, and she'd listen but then say, "No, there is no way, to many preachers' theories, and others say otherwise and there's no way they were all wrong." She said that she agreed something was wrong but they all couldn't be wrong about the timing. The rapture would happen and then the Seals would begin to be opened. The antichrist would be the first rider to go forth."

I went to a preacher I knew and asked him and took it to a youth minister I knew, and I only asked questions. Apparently they didn't like my questions because they would always avoid me after that. Everyone kept telling me "No, this is wrong." I would study more and more, would find more stuff to make an argument about. Still everyone would push it away. My brother finally said no, he'd been studying all this and no one agrees with it. All these preachers are in agreement with each other. Then it's so, and then he said something like, "The Spirit of God is with them and if the Holy Spirit was with you then you know these men are right, you need to pray and ask God to forgive you for trying to spread what's false." It seemed like the majority of the time we never left each other on good terms. He would go back to my Mom and tell her I was lost. She would tell me this and she said she took up on my behalf even though I didn't believe as they did, and that it doesn't mean I'm lost. I can't even begin to tell you how all this was making me feel. At times my Mom would tell me how my older brother and others would come to her and ask her if it was possible I was right, and then decide to push it to the side. It wasn't what was taught in church. At the same time the physical abuse was getting out of hand. I never knew when an argument would go bad and I would end up getting hit or pushed, shoved or whatever. I never could stand arguing or fighting, it has a way of throwing me off balance so to speak. It always made me want to run to God all the more; at the same time knowing this wasn't pleasing to God. I began to try avoiding my brother more and more, and really tried all I could, not to upset my husband.

I would ask God, "Why? Why learn all this and no one will listen? Everyone says I do not have proof? Everyone is telling me I'm wrong but I cannot go against what I know you're placing upon me. Please Lord give me the proof I need to prove this."

I remained studying, creating these timelines/charts. Not to show days or hours but to show the order Revelation is given showing the Seals first, then the Trumpets, and last the Vials. But it was the Seals that keep most of my attention for some time, mainly the Sixth Seal. I had realized that some of the very events mentioned were also events that happened or paralleled during the time Jesus died on the cross. And every time reading Revelation 7:9, I knew this was the rapture, "After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands". Again, every time trying to point this out. There were other theories that others had, and I was told mine is wrong. The main theory was this is an event that takes place at the end of Revelation. So I'd ask then why does God have it happening between the Sixth and Seventh Seals and not at the end of Revelation? Yet I knew God was laying something else upon my heart and I had to go with that. And when I was asked why I wouldn't believe as everyone else, I'd simply say, "Who am I to believe? Man or God? Am I to go to God and say Lord, these men and women say I'm wrong in what you're showing me. So I'm sorry Lord you're wrong and these men are right?" Usually the one I'd tell this to would shake their heads at me and I became a lost cause to them. I'd read many commentaries, listen to many preachers whether on radio or television or read things in books, but never did I hear anyone mention Revelation7:9 as being the rapture of the Church before the tribulation was to begin. So I began praying prayers much like this one, "Lord, know I'm not the only one seeing this. There has to be others. Please Lord bring me to a place one day where this has also been revealed." Prayers like this one became one of my prayers daily for a very long time to come. I still couldn't prove any of this and began wondering if I ever could. Every time I found myself doubting, God would only take me to something else that backed up this theory, yet it was never enough proof for anyone to stop and listen.

September 11th, 2001 took place. America was attacked and so many lost their lives. People from everywhere were popping up whom you'd never heard of, speaking about prophecy in the Bible. My mom and me had always done our individual study but yet the Lord always used our studies together to help one another. We couldn't help but laugh because so many were saying that America is Babylon the Great. America is mentioned in scripture here and there. We'd sit back and say, "Wow, unbelievable, they're coming out of the woodwork and from under rocks every where." We just kept to our studying knowing the events that had happened did have a meaning to them when it came to the End Times. I just wasn't quite sure how it fit in yet. A month or so passed and then one night I went to bed praying. I woke up on my face out of the dream I was having. I couldn't remember what it was about but I knew God was placing something upon me. I could feel it.

It was around this period of time that I went to bed one night and I decided to sit there and mediate on the Lord. I wanted to do something I'd never done before. Hubby was gone on the road, and all the kids were asleep. Even though I had a good knowledge of the Bible, still there was much I didn't know. I was seeking God with all my mind heart and soul. That night I asked God to let me speak in tongues. I knew this wasn't my gift and that was all right with me, I just wanted to be able to say something ... Anything ... So I sat there only mediating on the Lord thinking of just Him and Heaven, just talking to the Lord. After some time I began saying this one word, it was the only word that came to mind and I begin saying it over and over. I said "Abba" over and over again. The funny thing was that I didn't have a clue as to what I was saying. I was happy and just said it to the Lord over and over again. Then some time within days or a week or so I was reading the Bible and then I came across in the Bible where it says, "Abba, Father." As much as I've read in the Bible, there were so many places I'd only read maybe once and so when coming to something a second time it's as if it's the first time and for the first time the name Abba stood out to me and it hit me what I was doing that night sitting and mediating ... I was crying out to Abba our Father in Heaven. It truly helped me understand something I'd never understood before. The Bible is the Word of God and that Word, is an unknown language to so many people. The only ones who are able to understand are His children.

Sometime towards the end of 2001 and the beginning of 2002, I had this dream. It was awful. It was as though this was something that could possibly happen in the future. When waking up I went immediately into prayer. I went into prayer so fast at times I wonder if I actually began praying before actually waking up. I prayed with everything that was in me, all my heart, my soul, and my mind. While praying I began feeling something happen, and could feel what it was. It was the Seals spoken of in Revelation opening up not just opening but felt them breaking. I kept praying until the feeling was over and afterwards I laid there wondering for a good while what God was about to do. Up to this point it was only the Sixth Seal that I'd begun to truly understand. I couldn't agree with what others where saying at the time, so I didn't go by what they said the other Seals meant until I knew what God would come to show me. Everyone said the rider on the white horse was either the antichrist or it was Christ. I couldn't agree with either anymore. I knew the Seals would take place before the 7-year tribulation, but I wasn't fully sure yet that it wasn't the antichrist. I knew it wasn't Christ because the Lord had let me know this one thing. Christ conquered on the Cross and now is seen as the Lamb as He had been slain. He already conquered, and now is seen sending forth these riders and Christ is not sending forth himself to go forth conquering and to conquer. So I thought this would have to be the antichrist but it was not sitting right with me. I knew there was much more to it. I had not yet brought this to anyone else's attention how I'd come to believe on this. I knew no one would listen to what I had to say. Now God allowed me to feel the Seals opening, meaning they were now being opened.

So I sat down at the table and opened my Bible and prayed. I asked God if this is what He wanted me to understand and that these Seals are being opened. I asked Him to place it upon me to know and understand. I opened my Bible to Revelation, Chapter 6 and began reading. I read the First Seal maybe twenty times or thirty times, over and over again. I did not stop until it hit me what this was all about. Then out of nowhere it hit me like a ton of bricks ... It about knocked me right out of my chair. Everything started going through my mind like rushing water running through. It was all coming to me what was happening and now I knew with out a doubt this is not the antichrist going forth. It's something deeper than that which would begin to help bring about all that we read about in Revelation. It was the beginning of sorrows just as the Seals was the beginning of Judgments of the judgment to come. Christ is sending forth this rider. Proverbs 8:15-16, "By me kings reign, and princes decree justice. By me princes rule, and nobles, even all the judges of the earth." For the first time I also began to see the Olivet discourse within the Seal Judgments.

It was now time to work on a new chart unlike one I'd ever done. I began for the first time to see a timing within Revelation that I had never seen before and it began with the First Seal. I took all this to my Mom and my Dad was there, and my oldest brother. They all listened. My brother sat there quietly listening and in total disagreement with me but my Mom didn't say anything, you could see it on her face. My Dad got so mad at me, he hadn't been that mad with me in a long time. He said I had no right to go against the church like this. My brother told me the devil was teaching me and I was no more than a false prophet. I took it to my husband and we ended up in an argument and the argument actually went further into other stuff and when I said that all I wanted was to share something with him, it all just went bad. After some time I ended up taking a beating. The kids were screaming at all that was going on. Afterwards all I could do was cling to Christ. I knew the Spirit of God was with me. I began to ask Jesus to please just take me to make things better. Sometimes I'd sit on my bed and hug my pillow crying out to Jesus. I wasn't sure exactly what I'd done that was so bad to make my marriage go the way it did ... Nothing I tried helped. My kids were seeing stuff they shouldn't have to see. No one would listen to a thing I had to say. The only love that I knew came from God and that I clung to as tight as I could. Love from people, I could not cling to and until today I have a really tough time understanding it and/or able to feel it. I kept on praying for God to place me where others were seeing the same things He was showing and sharing with me. I also prayed and prayed for the physical abuse to stop. I knew there were women that got it worse then I did but every time something happened it had begun to trigger past abuse and I began blanking out again as I did as a teenager. It had not happened I don't think, at least not until now where I'd begin to notice it, in many years. I never had shared with my husband the things that happened and wasn't about to now.

When getting my Mom to the side alone, I couldn't help but tell her about the dream I had. And this is why I had to go with what I knew the Holy Spirit was placing upon me. At first she didn't really want to hear it but she knew how much time I would put into studying and seeking God, so she's the only one that would listen even though she had her mind made up I was wrong, but this time she really began to listen. I told her my dream and then what happened as I was waking up from that dream going into immediate prayer and feeling the Seals opening up. She looked at me all surprised and then told me She also had a dream turned out it was the same dream as mine, and she also went into immediate prayer afterwards. There is a strong chance we had same dream at the same time so we may have went into prayer about the same time. She however did not feel the Seals opening but knew God placed this dream on the both of us and on her so she would sit and listen to what I had to say. She still didn't agree with me on it all, but for the first time she was listening and knew God was showing me something and with that she hasn't tried convincing me otherwise, as a matter of fact today we are in almost total agreement of the order of things.

As time passed, I began redoing this one chart over and over making sure everything was as Scripture said, not placing anything out of place. My brother would keep telling me there's no proof and calling me a false prophet and others were also calling me a false prophet. Hubby would tell me how he could never believe as I do, so never to speak with him on the subject of the Bible. I just kept praying and trying to stay away from arguments. It was wrong to argue on the subject of God's Word. This I felt very strong from the Lord.

This is a picture of my original chart without all the extra notes, just plain and simple.

Chart - Seals and Tribulation

Then one day I just kept seeing something within the Seals. I realized I needed to go back to the beginning to the days of creation, beginning there and then, understanding the timing of things. So I began working on a Chronology timeline. One of the first things God made sure I understood was that His timing is not our timing and the days of creation were in His timing, not ours. "He hath made every thing beautiful in his time ... " Ecclesiastes 3:8. A thousand years to us is no more than a day to God, "But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." 2 Peter 3:8. For me this was a huge deal and told a lot, for out of it I learned ...

Chart - 7 days. God's day of rest and Christ is our rest

Then I picked up on something else pretty fast, being that one thousand years was a day to God, then the sixth day was also a thousand years, just as Genesis 5:1 says straight out:

Just as it says, "This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man ... " The generations of Adam was in the day God created man that places the generations of Adam in the sixth day of creation. At the age of 130, Adam begat Seth. So this was the 130th year of the sixth day, 1000 years. Then add the age of Seth when he begat Enos, 105 add that to 130 then you are in the 535th year of the sixth day, and then so on the same way.

Enos begat Cainan at age 90 years

Cainan begat Mahalaleel at age 70 years
Mahalaleel begat Jared at age 65 years

Jared begat Enoch at age 162 years
Enoch begat Methuselah at age of 65 years

Then Scripture tells that Enoch walked with God and God took him at the age of 365 years. To me this was just amazing add all these years up and see what year it is.

Adam 130
Seth 105
Enos 90
Cainan 70
Mahalaleel 65
Jared 162

Then Enoch Translated at age 365

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A total of ------- 987

This places Enoch being translated before the Seventh day. Remember my last chart? Now take a look at it and see how the Church will be raptured before that 1000 year reign of Christ. See where Enoch was translated? They paralleled to one another and I could feel the Holy Spirit saying about how Enoch (who is Gentile) represents the rapture of the Gentile Church.

So I kept going in the Chronology of this new Revelation God was giving me. Questions were beginning to stir up in me. If this was so, then what about the seventh day ... The day of Rest? Then the Holy Spirit pointed this out to me. "Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had made; and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had made. And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it He had rested from all His work which God created and made."

This was His Day, not man's day. He rested from His work. His day, His timing.

I kept going on with all of this.

Enoch begat Methuselah at age 65 years
Methuselah begat Lamech at age 187
Lamech begat Noah at age 182 years

Still, the question lingered in my mind, "What about the seventh day though?" What's going on here on earth as God is resting on his day? So much corruption is beginning to take place. I was having a hard time understanding this. As it was pointed out to me, Genesis 6:1-2, "And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose." I remembered the writings of Enoch. These sons of God were called Watchers. God had chosen a select of angels to watch over all He had done. The devil was trying to corrupt all God had done that was all good. For me this was truly sad to come to understand. Then I found something else that just amazed me. When going back and adding up only the years of begats, I found this ...

Adam 130
Seth 105

Enos 90
Cainan 70
Mahalaleel 65
Jared 162

Enoch 65
Methuselah 187
Lamech begat Noah 182
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From Adam to Noah was 1056 yrs.

See Lamech was born in the year of 874, so this places Noah out of these generations mentioned, to be the first one born in the seventh day, God's day of Rest. This was the 56th year into the seventh day, 1056. Lamech said when Noah was born, "This same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands ... " Genesis 5:29. If you look up Noah's name and find it's meaning you will find it means, rest, rested, and resting. God's day of Rest. God found one that was pleasing to Him and in him He would save the World. The Lord by His Spirit pointed out that this was a picture of Christ coming one day that the world through Him (Christ) would be saved. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through Him might be saved." John 3:16-17.

God was showing me He had a plan the whole time. He knew what the devil was up to. Sin had entered into the world and God allowed things to be and these things grieved Him to watch such things that were happening. Yet even though it grieved Him, He had already set a much, much greater plan in place. He had created everything for Jesus. You could say it was a gift to His Son. Colossians 1:15-16, "Who is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature: For by Him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by Him, and for Him" It was all created by Him and FOR Him. A few more things God revealed to me in this area of study. All this and consider Jesus took me to the cross, what Jesus truly did for us there on Calvary.

Going back to John 1:1,14, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God ... And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth." Jesus was there in the beginning.

When sin entered into the garden and Adam and Eve ate of the fruit and they realized they were naked and hid themselves from God, they were very ashamed at their nakedness. God took it upon Himself to shed the first blood to clothe His creation. God knew and understood to the deepest extent the damage that had been done. By this act alone, sin. It tainted the blood of every human to come afterwards. He knew the only way was through perfect bloodshed that was not, and could never be tainted by evil. He chose His only begotten Son. All things were created by and for Christ. So it would have to be His Son that would come and lay down His life. Jesus said, "Therefore doth my Father love me, because I lay down my life, that I might take it again. No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father."

Jesus didn't have to leave His place in heaven but He did, because He loves us and did not want to see anyone perish. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through Him might be saved. He that believeth on Him is not condemned: but He that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God." John 3:16-18.

Considering all this, Jesus dying for our sins, something began to really stir in me as I began looking at the timeline of it all. I could see it very clear and had to get another chart made up. This time with a simple chronology chart of the world. Showing the 6 days of creation. Enoch and then Noah and the flood, then BC and AD. I knew what was happening and it was as if I had to hold my breath laying this chart out. For God was answering a prayer I'd been praying for sometime now. God was giving me the proof I had been asking for to back my other chart up and to back up the pre-tribulation rapture. At this point didn't care who did or did not accept it or believe it. God had given me something precious through all this and little did I know but for years to come it was what I'd be devoting my time to. This is the original new chart, which holds nothing but the facts.

Chart - Timeline of the World

Now, see how this is compared to my first chart? The Holy Spirit was putting upon me so strong, "This is His Truth now go with it."

Something else the Holy Spirit has given me to understand through this whole study in the book of Revelation, Chapter 7 the sealing of the 144,000 and the great multitude that no man can number, these events are part of the Sixth Seal. Revelation 7:1, "And after these things ... " Even though it has been a good thing that the Scriptures were broken down into chapters and verses, it has helped people a great deal to do this studying and learning God's Word. But the fact is when Revelation 7:1 speaks, "And after these things ... " it did not mean after the events of the Sixth Seal, it means after these things that had already taken place now, will this be. By this understanding, an awesome parallel is seen. Take a look at that last chart, the first Adam entered into the world in the sixth day. Then in the Sixth Seal shall the rapture of the Gentile Church be, and the Last Adam (Jesus) be taken out. Jesus is called in 1 Corinthians15:45, the last Adam which was made a quickening spirit.

Something else was shared with me about the sixth day. Because of the sin that entered, Adam and Eve were made to leave the garden. Because of the sin, Jesus entered into the garden of Gethsemane and took on the sins of the world. Jesus entered in the garden to pray, and He prayed earnestly and in agony. Mark recorded Jesus saying, "My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death, Luke recorded Jesus praying earnestly in agony, His sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground." Jesus was taking the sins of the world upon Himself. Not only did He take on all of our sins but He took on our mental and emotional state of mind, He took on our physical sickness. Anything and everything that the devil can throw at a person, Jesus took it on Himself. Now can you even begin to understand the agony Jesus was in that evening?

This here isn't something the Holy Spirit placed upon me, but I have always found this to be intriguing. I have heard a few doctors go back and examine the possible complications that could have occurred with Jesus that caused His final breath to be. Now we know He laid down His life for our sins, there is the fact though that He took on a beating, was whipped. That was on His back and possibly His sides. Isaiah said in 52:14, "As many were astonied at thee; His visage was so marred more than any man, and His form more than the sons of men." His visage was His face, marred was the damage inflicted upon His face. This did not come from His whipping He took when receiving 39 stripes. This would have come from other beatings. Blows taken to His face after being arrested. They really did a number on Him. Then a nail was driven into his feet and nails driven into His hands.

Then the crown of thorns was pushed down upon His head. Many complications could have occurred with Jesus such as blood clots, His body going into shock, the loss of blood, or an organ that gave way. Yet the one thing these doctors found most intriguing was when the soldier ran his spear into the side of Jesus and blood ran out but mixed with water. These doctors all agreed that was a clear indication that it was possible that Jesus' heart busted/exploded in some way. I can't say this is true, it's only theory but the idea has really made me wonder out of all the things that could have occurred medically, that what caused Him to take that final breath could have been from a broken Heart.

All these thing I did not learn over the course of a day or so, but over the course of a few years. I went into my own hiding place. I ran to God and remained there alone learning from God's Spirit, safely under the wings. I remained there with God for a few years. Unless it was my Mom and my Mother-in-law, I really didn't talk to anyone. It was as if the Lord was preparing me and the things I learned and would still come to learn are unable to be mentioned. I also learned that with coming upon this knowledge came something else which would turn to be the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and that is the Spiritual warfare. It is unlike anything that I've had to fight until now. I knew that when I became a Christian I'd entered unto a whole new battleground, now the battle was going to get that much harder.

I met this lady and we became friends fast. She wasn't a Christian and did not know Christ. We began talking and she helped me out when I needed help at the last minute with a project my son was doing. He forgot to tell me until that last minute and he and this lady's daughter were in the same class. We spent some time together and talked a little about Jesus and she was enjoying it and I asked her if she would like to know Christ better. W stood right there at her truck outside the schoolhouse one-day praying. Within a few months she would come to me and was amazed what she was beginning to learn and she was looking around in the world at all the stuff going on. She was so worried and scared. I had to tell her that God had a plan. As bad as things seem, and as bad as they will get, we belong to Him, and to many other people out here who don't know Christ and need to be told. She began to want to get into prophecy and asked me to help her. We would study together when we could. She was wondering how it was that I knew so much. I told her I spent my days researching, so this is what she began to do. Then she got a computer and began researching. It turned out she began helping me research. Being she had a computer and I didn't. When I needed something, all I had to do was tell her what I was looking for, and just like that, she had it, or I'd go to her house and use her PC. I was able to go deeper into researching things.

We did this for a while until I got my own computer, and we stayed in touch for a long time. We've sort of grown out of touch but I know she is still going at it strong. Over the years I learned about more than the Seals. By studying the Seals as I have, it has taken me into a study of the rest of Revelation and the rest of the Bible. I have learned so much, such as the past empires and how they are playing their roles today. I've learned about the time of Jacob's troubles and how by going back and taking a good long look and by creating charts how the actual time of Jacob's trouble in the time of Jacob was compared with the coming tribulation. Also it was a chart that turned out in complete parallels to all my other charts. Every chart created all turned out to have the exact same parallels to one another, God was, is, and always will be amazing unlike anything anyone could ever imagine. There are too many things to name that the Lord has taught me.

Over the web, I got in touch with a couple of Rabbi's, one was Christian, and the other was not Christian. I studied a bit with both. I began getting into the Jewish traditions. I found out many things. It all intrigued me so much I had to go deeper and deeper. This is what I call fun, studying and learning God's Word. The Rabbi that did not believe in Jesus, well we only seemed to get along if we stayed within the Old Testament. He invited me to his forum one day. After being there for a very short time we couldn't seem to agree, and being I was a woman, it didn't sit to well. He finally said to me one day, "Why don't you open your own place up and speak on things." It was his polite way of asking me to leave his place and of course I thought this was a good idea, beginning my own forum. I thought about it and then went to hubby and asked him if he'd mind. He began getting mad at me. I hadn't seen him this mad in a long time. He said I wasn't to talk to anyone. He said all kinds of things, and I argued back with him a bit, something I hadn't done in a long, long time. Then he'd throw back at me that he lost me a long time ago to the Bible and it didn't matter what I did. Then the next day he came back and said, "You know you do what you want to do and I'll do what I want to do." Then he said he was serious that our marriage had already been over for a long time now. He also said I was a woman and women were not to speak out, they were to be quiet within the church body. He let me know I was going against him and going against God. He also said that people seemed to like me and by getting this site I would be having people listen to my every word and with that I'd have my own followers and I'd be no more then a false prophet. I thought on this for a good while and then I decided I was going to begin my own site with my own set of forums. I just prayed about it and hoped that a day would come when he'd see that what I was doing wasn't a bad thing ... I only wanted to share Jesus, and share things that I've learned. I couldn't listen to what hubby had to say. It hurt though, knowing how he thought. After opening up my own site I went to tell him that I did open up a place and then he said to me, "Nooo, I don't want to know, you do what you want don't let me stand in your way." So I hushed up and didn't tell him, He knew though.

I went into this extra study of the sixth day of creation. I knew there was something I had been missing, so I prayed unlike anything I had ever prayed. I prayed to God saying, "Dear Precious Father for you are the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, of Israel. Dear Father teach me and show me what you will." And then I prayed this in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. For the next 3½ days I went into one of the most intriguing and intense studies I've ever had. In this study I learned some of the very things I've already shared, only I left out the vision in which He showed me. It was something that took me back to my childhood and then something He showed me in the garden and then something He showed me in Paradise. When the study was over, never had I ever felt so full, but in a good way. It was as if I had been fasting for those days and felt strengthened in the Lord. Then out of nowhere, I was standing in my kitchen getting something out of my pantry. Hubby and the kids were in the living room and every one was playing loud and such. Then I heard hubby screaming. I hadn't heard him scream as the kids with this kind of attitude since the last time he had thrown me into a wall and put a huge hole in it from throwing me. Never had I ever had a panic attack or anxiety as this, but immediately I froze. I couldn't move. My breathing went haywire and I began panicking, I couldn't control it. I just knew in my heart all the physical abuse was starting back up. As soon as it dawned on me to protect the kids, I went into the living room and he was going into the bedroom and slammed the door and had the kids stay out. They were all so very quiet, they were all scared also. I remember how my heart just dropped when hearing him scream like that.

After a short time hubby seemed to go back to his usual self. Physical abuse wasn't present but mental and emotional abuse was. I've always felt that the physical part could always spring up at any time, so egg shells I walked on and still today walk on. I'm constantly watching my step. Starting an online ministry was fun, and I met many people. I also met many wolves, some that had an impact on me because I now view everyone I meet online as possible abusers also, so I'm very careful whom I speak to and how. I watch people closely to see if they truly and really love God and take His Word seriously.

God blessed my site though and brought many people in. One man I accidentally found his site and read his testimony. He followed me back to mine and then went back to his place and posted to me a welcome, I replied back and few days later he visited my place and said he just felt the need to ask for a prayer request there in my place. His prayer request was, that God would bring His daughter home. She ran away a year before and he and his wife had not seen her since. Because she was 17 there was only so much they could do. We all prayed that day and that evening he came back in and was all thrilled, his daughter called home. She had been arrested and needed his help. The Dad said this had to be an answer of prayer and thanked everyone who was praying and thanked God for finding my site. For the first time he and his wife got to see their daughter, she was addicted to drugs but now was getting cleaned up and they got her into rehab. The Dad since then has kept in touch with me and kept me up to date about his daughter and family.

Then we had another Dad come in about his little daughter. He and her had been walking on the side of the road ... Something they had always done, but this time, a car came around the turn fast and his daughter was caught in the way and was hit. He asked for prayers, said he had seen me on another site and knew I had a great knowledge of the Lord and decided to visit my place. After reading some of the prayer requests and answered prayers he wanted to leave a prayer request now. We prayed and to this day when this little girl comes to my mind and heart I still pray. At the time this little girl was in really bad shape, wasn't able to walk any more, her legs were badly damaged, she lost her eyesight and even though she was still a beautiful little girl, her looks changed. She had only been 6 or 7 years old when this took place. We all kept her in prayer, and over time the Dad would come and give us updates. Over time she was beginning to see shadows and make out some things that she was seeing. She was learning how to walk again. And the last time I talked to the Dad she was horseback riding. It was for therapy but she was doing good at it. Picture after picture has been shared with me of this little girl. I still get a smile on my face when I see a few of her pictures. Every once in a while the dad and me share through email how he, wife and daughter are doing and how well his daughter is doing with therapy. Turned out my site became a true blessing to me and to others. After some time many were coming in and it was just me taking care of everything and trying to reply back to everyone. It took up much of my time. Hubby didn't like how I was staying on the PC. His temper was getting worse and worse. I was spending all my time, studying, researching, teaching, helping others and as hubby began getting worse and worse, I began letting my place go into a mess. I would get up in the mornings, cook breakfast and get the kids off to school. I'd clean up real fast and then on the PC. I'd stay there until time to get kids from school. Then I'd come back, get back on the PC until time to make dinner and then feed the kids and make sure they got their baths and help them with homework. Then back to the PC I'd go and get things done on my site. Really it was all taking its toll. I wasn't sure what I got myself into. Then one day I had gotten a break, and spent less time on the PC but was going back and forth with this one guy. We had become friends. He was really smart when it came to scripture and I couldn't help but look up to what he had to say even if it wasn't something I'd not completely agreed on. Others finally jumped out of our conversations when we had three different conversations going. Then something happened. One person came into my place and asked me to come into their place and witness to this lady. I said sure, I'd try, and went in and read this lady's replies. She was wanting to get to know the Lord, and then talked about her marriage, and how abusive it was. I began crying and tried talking to her but found I couldn't do so. I tried but couldn't talk to her, and began to go into a panic attack. The man I was going back forth with in a few conversations took notice right away that something wasn't right. So I broke down a bit and told him what was going on and he went in and witnessed to this lady, they talked back and forth. The guy I'll call him Seven using a partial part of his online screen name. I didn't tell Seven but so much but he was one of the first people to come to know anything about abuse in my life. He didn't say much just let it be and let me know he was there. Me of course didn't say anything else. He sent me a few little roses through my mail and left it at that and always posting a verse when ever he replied to me, he did this to many people, He'd post verses to help encourage other Christians.

I had come to trust four people at this time, sort making all of them like an invisible safety net, I didn't have to talk to them about things but they were always there. I sort of felt like as long as they were there, God would use them if I fell, God would use them to catch me.

My Granddaddy passed away and that upset me a great deal at first. He had grown very sick, and ended up in the hospital. My granddaddy and me, we talked and we agreed when he got out of the hospital we had a date with one another. I was going to go over and cook him dinner and me and him were going to sit and spend an afternoon together. My granddaddy was always around when I was growing up. He owned a great deal of the land where I grew up and he farmed the land. Now he had retired and that, well, never did do good with him, he sort of wasted away after that. He never knew what to do with himself after retirement. Two or three days before he passed away, I was at the hospital. One thing that bothered me was if he was saved or not. So I stood there and asked him, "Granddaddy do you know Christ, are you ready to see Him?" and with a BIG smile, he shook his head and said yes, and he was happy. With that, I knew in my heart he was saved. Before leaving I whispered in his ear don't forget we have a date to keep. He smiled with his big smile and shook his head yes. He passed away before I was able to make it back up to see him. From what I understood not long before passing he reached his arms out to someone in the room that no one could see except him alone. I didn't get to make it to the wake the next day but on the day of the funeral a few of us drove up to the funeral home where his body was laid and I walked in, and could feel something, something I never felt before. I went over to the casket and took a deep breath and real fast went back to my Mom and said, Momma, he's not there! His body was there but his Spirit was gone, and knew with all my heart his Spirit was present with the Lord, you could feel it all around. I was so amazed. I never felt this before and it was somewhat neat feeling. My Mom smiled at me and said, "you too? You're brother came in and said the same thing, he felt it as well and when I came in I could also feel it". It seemed to be that we were the only ones to feel this. From that point on I couldn't grieve his death. I knew where he was, it saddened me he would not be around anymore to go see, but I knew he was with Jesus and with that I knew the next time I see him, me and him have a date to keep and it will be in heaven.

With that knowledge it picked me up somewhat and I didn't stay quite so depressed. I got back into my studies and before long I opened up a new site. I had shut the last one down because of the depression. I called the new site 'The Light of Jesus'. I would keep the ministry for the next three years or a little longer and it turned out to be a real blessing. A preacher and true friend funded it for me. I was able to give it a whole new look. When one walked in they saw a waterfall with the verse "And he said unto me, It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely." Do You Know Jesus? I was able to add web pages and such and make it grow. At home things just seemed worse and worse. I couldn't get a break. The physical abuse wasn't there but the threat of it was and I constantly found myself walking on eggshells. As much as I loved this new site of mine, depression kept kicking and throwing me around. I just kept trying to fight through it. I kept to my studies, and kept my place at a pace. I did not advertise it near as much so that so many wouldn't come flooding in on me and I couldn't handle it all. I kept to myself at home, and stopped talking to my Mom and Dad. Where once me and my Mom had gotten to a point of talking everyday, now I was only calling maybe once a week, sometimes once in three weeks. They kept asking me why wasn't I calling or coming over as much. I couldn't tell them. I kept it all to myself. Some days I got to a point where I'd go around my house and made sure all my blinds and curtains were shut, so to feel more alone. I began isolating myself worse than I ever had. I had loved planting flowers and always tried creating small flower gardens, and when depression, panic and anxiety set in, it turned out that I let every one of my flowers except one plant die, I just sat back and watched them die. I realized shutting myself in as I was, that I was looking for that little place I used to disappear to when ever I'd blank out when stress or abuse had triggered me. It seemed to disappear for the longest time a few years maybe. Now it was as if I needed that back, at least I thought ... It was something I had prayed and asked God to take away from me because it was as if my whole self divided up during those times of black outs. It had taken me years to figure it out but I knew very well what was going on. I never knew what it was called at the time though, and didn't know why or how it all started. Hubby used to get on me all the time and still does at times about blanking out on him. He'd get mad and tell me to pay more attention. I would do things really out of the ordinary at times, and there were times he would come to me and ask me, "Are you feeling all right?" It would usually trigger me back to reality. Sometimes he'd make remarks to his Mom or say to one of the kids, "Your Mom thinks she is a child," or "She believes she is still a teen." Me, I'd stand back thinking about all that because I never really knew what I was doing when blanking out as I did. So I would pray and ask God to take it away. Now after all this time, I found myself wanting this back because I realized in some strange way it was a safe place to be. Maybe not entirely, I just knew it was a place of hiding and that was what I was wanting. I kept pushing myself forward though, and somehow my new online site was going good and strong. I just kept asking Christ to be with me and not leave me.

After some time I thought maybe I found some online counseling that would be good, maybe then I should begin to share everything and talk things out. Many times I looked but didn't like what I was finding. Christian counseling is what I began looking for, any other counseling didn't set well with me. Over the years I began to look back because I found myself having a hard time sharing all God's Spirit had taught me, somewhere, somehow it all got tangled in with the abuse. I began getting scared that if I shared, then others are going to come back at me even online in a bad way, causing trouble, calling me names, telling me I'm a false prophet. So this brought me to a place that now felt as if I was failing God. Cause even online I'd begin seeing how others were abusive to others and that got to me. So any counseling to me had to be Christian.

Finding Christianity Oasis

I kept looking and looking, a few times I came across this one site and it looked really good and I thought it was what I needed, but then I would end up turning it down, until next time I'd go into a panic attack or something, then I'd go looking again. It was as if I was looking for a quick fix, but that wasn't happening, and I kept coming to this one site. I think it was the second time coming to the site I joined but then walked away. I didn't even go into it and see what it was all about. A month or so later I accidentally came across it again when trying to find Christian counseling again. This time I joined and went inside. The name of the site is Christianity Oasis.

This was sometime shortly before the coming holidays of 2007. I would come in and read a little here and there, and saw others taking the counseling steps here. Then something happened in which God let me know He brought me here to Christianity Oasis. I saw that they had an end times study and I began reading it and to my surprise I found God answering a prayer I'd been asking and praying on for years now. I read in this study that between the Sixth and Seventh Seals would the rapture take place, and I kept reading and found that there truly was someone else seeing what God had placed upon my heart and had taken me into a deep study on for so many years. I had taken a beating once for some of these very beliefs and held and stood firm on it because I knew the Holy Spirit of God had given it all to me. So I always felt that no matter what came my way, I had to always stand firm with what has been laid upon my heart. Even though all my beliefs and all Christianity Oasis beliefs didn't fully match, they were so close in many places that I knew God had placed me here and it would also be a place of learning more myself. It kept me at the Oasis and I began really checking out the counseling programs more and thought I'd begin trying them. Then I found I had a hard time speaking out, and as I saw so many other people reading, I'd go into panic attacks and couldn't continue, so I'd stop the counseling program.

Also at the time, we were moving again. It was the first time though, that I had said so much about abuse and it was a start. Also, just before moving and finding Christianity Oasis I had found this other site. It turned out I didn't care a whole lot about this site, but met someone, a lady. I go into this chat room and she would be there. At first we didn't say anything to each other. And this was not a Christian chat room, but she was there and there were others at times. I enjoyed hearing about God and what the Bible said. Yet then you had others that would break out with bad language or just talking in a bad way to others. It was upsetting to see. It made the others sit and get quiet and be offended. So this lady, I'll call her Kirsch (an alias name she chose for me to use in this story). Kirsch would begin giving a sermon right there in chat, sometimes getting some bad comments or not so friendly comments. Or she would just tell what she had preached on or was going to preach on the coming Sunday after being asked. I realized she was a preacher. At first I wasn't sure how this set with me because I'd never been one for women preachers, but I watched this lady and sensed that she had a deep love for God and His Word. I sat back and I kept quiet for the most part, and one day she was speaking and others were listening but a few didn't care that she was speaking from the Word of God. I saw that she could use some help so I decided to jump in and help her out. She would give chapter and verse of the Bible and when she did I'd within maybe 4 seconds had the chapter and verse up for her so all could see what she was saying. She enjoyed me doing this for her and I'd jump in and speak a little and we were able to do some preaching together and give out a sermon. I couldn't help but laugh and had a good feeling that she was also laughing. In 5 minutes we cleared the whole chat room of all the ones that were in there giving trouble to others. They did not want to hear what we had to say, and the ones that wanted to hear sat back and listened.

We began doing this whenever someone began causing trouble for others and it was getting out of hand. It didn't take but a minute to clear the room of the unwanted guests that didn't want anything to do with the Word of God. We also got a chance to witness to a few people. After a couple of times doing this, me and her got into PM with each other and began talking, and it turned out we had tons in common. I had never met anyone who went at it in Bible studies as I did for hours at a time from the time of waking up in the morning to when it was time to get some sleep. It turned out I had a twin out there and from that day on, and that's been well over two years now, soon to be three, we have not missed a day in talking to each other except maybe a few times. We became best friends fast. The moderators of the chat didn't seem to mind, they had transcripts of all conversations and knew very well when someone got out of hand, being mean or just saying the wrong things. We'd jump in using the one thing we both knew and that was the Word of God to chase them out and everything would calm down for the rest to sit and talk pleasant to one another.

Kirsch knew a good bit about mental illness having been around it some. After some time she became the first person I'd talk to about my blackouts and things I've learned over the years that I did. She knew exactly what I was speaking of and described. I knew what it was but really never had a name for it. She confirmed it all with me and was able to give a name for it. A lot of things began making sense to me.

When my Mom had taken me to a doctor to find out what was going on with me, he said it would eventually go away. Just a phrase I was going through. It wasn't shortly after that, that I knew a little of what was going on with me and I knew it was similar to my Aunt. She also had a mental illness to cope with. I used to hear everyone speak about her in a very mean way, gossiping about her behind her back. I would go down to see her and my Uncle. She was always happy to see me. And my uncle also enjoyed having me over. They lived directly across from the farm, so I got to see them daily. I would disappear and go see some of the elderly people in my family that lived very close by. I did this because it helped me stay away from the farm as much as I was able to. My Mom used to say I had a demon inside me. So it always made me feel different from everyone else and it has also caused me to go into isolation a great deal. The mental illness is a dissociative disorder. It begins mostly when someone is much younger, whether as a little child or a teen, but sometimes as an adult. It's when something bad happens, and it becomes too much for that person to basically comprehend what's happening, and they automatically switch like a protective mood switches on, but the mind splits. One part of the mind sees and knows and feels everything that's happening, while the other part goes into hiding and is unable to handle what's taking place. For many it begins with some type of abuse. There are triggers that can trigger you, and when that happens, you don't have any control of what you're doing because that part of you just goes into hiding while the other part of you is doing everything else. Confusing huh? It is confusing and you hardly can remember anything because that part of you was hiding. I'm just trying to explain it in a way that could be understood better. A therapist explained to me that when this thing within me switches, it's more like a protective shield that comes out up around me when triggered. That's whether or not I realize it. A memory within is triggered and part of me does not want to remember and is scared of getting hurt so automatically a protective shield comes all around me to keep myself safe.

Unfortunately many Christians also see it as demons ... Someone being possessed ... But this isn't so in the least little bit. Christians would be surprised that there are many Christians that have this very disorder, but they keep quiet about it, because of the way they would be treated otherwise. I have seen now, Christians turn others away because of it ... This is something I began to find out about really fast. I have met several people now in the last few years and have watched them being mistreated. One lady here on the internet got kicked out for having this disorder, she didn't want anything to do with Christians afterwards because she was tired of being mistreated. It has gotten me to a place of never wanting to share with anyone ... I have though, but very few. As time went on me and Kirsch both ran our own ministries here online. We would come and go into each other's place, visit, talk to others, share the gospel, and speak out on prophecy. I took her to the side and took a chance of explaining how I seen the Seal Judgments. We had become best friends and she knew we both had a heart for God so she was willing to listen to what I believed. I began telling her everything. It went against what she believed at first, but I was there praying silently for God to finally have someone else I could talk to about all this without it all going bad. God opened her eyes to this truth. It had seemed it began to fit into some stuff she had already picked up on about some things and it was as if God was confirming to her what she had already come to acknowledge with the Lord herself. She sat and listened and began doing her own studying. She is not just a preacher but also an evangelist. As some time went on we both also began to really pick up on the spiritual battles we each began going through and when we would speak, we would be going through almost the exact same thing about the same time. Then she began to study on each Seal individually and right after she began and it was beginning to be confirmed to her in a much more personal way. She took a strong stand on it all and she got hit so hard spiritually she came and said, she understood why the devil had been coming at me so hard. The truth in prophecy was with me. I was seeing the bigger picture of what was already happening and what was coming and the devil was going to try stopping me. But now, we were together working on all this. We began speaking out together in this place and that place. I begin showing her the fulfillments of the Fall Feast of Israel with the Sixth and Seventh Seals and within Revelation. For the very first time, people began to listen. Having someone helping me along was much better then trying to get the truth out alone.

One minister came along and said to me, Wow, this goes against everything he believed, but everything I had written went right along with Scripture and the way it was presented made it all come alive. It was time he began to get back into studying more and for me to keep up what I was doing. Others came to me and said, the book of Revelation has come alive to them, they could see now what was taking place in the world. Others thanked me for taking the time to explore all of this and getting it out to people. A young man in Canada took it to his parents who were missionaries and they began to study more on the subject and kept up with everything I'd write and they began teaching it some. Kirsch was sharing it with others and speaking out. Today she still gets into it and has begun taking a more understanding of the Feast of Israel. We both were growing in the Lord. Yet during all this time though, it seemed every few days we were both getting hit hard spiritually and we will sit and try our best picking up the other. That gets hard cause we're usually both going through hard times around same time. But I can't begin to tell you how many times we have sat and held church services just between the two of us and still do at times.

Even though I had four people holding my invisible safety net, only two have I come to truly trust and that's Kirsch and whom I'll call Thankful. He is truly a big brother in Christ. I'm closer to him than my own blood brothers. Thankful became my editor over in my place (ministry) but he was there more for me to keep an eye on me. He knew I was having a hard time, and I needed him around. Just knowing he was around helped me be able to cope with things. Like I said, a safety net. Whenever he'd see I got quiet, or was having trouble with someone, or having trouble on a topic and knowing the depression I was going through, He would pull me to the side and we'd talk. With depression and anxiety setting in hard at times, I did all I could to keep going. I have a race to run to the end. One of the things that has brought me comfort is knowing in the end Jesus is coming and making all things right and there is a glorious ending to all this. But making it to that point sometimes seems almost impossible, knowing at the same time nothing is impossible with the Lord, so holding on to that fact, making it to the end is all I have to do. Christ would hold me no matter what and that He has done. Sometimes I have to stop and wonder why, the depression and stuff doesn't seem right for someone to go through being a Christian. The devil loves playing tricks and telling all kind of lies to try to separate someone from Christ. But as Scripture says ... "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

One of many promises I've learned to hold on too. Something unexpected happened. It was just a few days before Thanksgiving and the man who had molested and raped me as a teen was killed in an horrible accident. My family made a big deal about it and talked about how good this man had been to our family. No one in my family knew anything that this man had done to me. For the first time I felt I had no sympathy for someone. That felt wrong and I have had to pray about it. I feel a bit different today about it, but at the time I think a huge part of me was glad this man was dead. I went to my husband and decided I was going to say something and began telling him that this man was a good friend of my family and was killed under a combine tractor. Before getting to say anything else, he said how sorry he was to hear this man was killed and for me to give condolences to my family. I stopped in my tracks before saying anything else to him. I decided it was better to deal with it on my own. The thing was though, the dissociative disorder thingy hit me harder then it ever had, and where I thought I wanted to be able to hide in such a way, turned out that I remembered why I had asked God to take it away from me. It wasn't what I wanted. I felt like I was being separated from God and that hurt unlike anything I'd ever known. So I began pushing myself harder to stay in the Word and study. But then this guy stayed on my mind and things that happened and I began remembering things I hadn't before. Depression ended up taking me to a new low. Thankful took notice of it within my forums. He would take me to the side and we'd sit for an hour or sometimes two hours talking. I finally broke down and told him and SJS everything. SJS understood it, matter of fact she already figured it out before I told her. She was a retired nurse and had also fought and was fighting depression herself and had been around it a great deal. Thankful on the other hand didn't know how to take it and it meant a whole lot to me that he'd be able to accept it. He kept quiet about it and kept his eye on me. He did accept it but even today it's something he doesn't fully understand, so I never mention it hardly.

Something I struggle with is being accepted. As a teen my brother would tell me I was an embarrassment to our family and that I was unwanted. My husband at times has yelled at me that I'm not wanted and that I should just leave. But I couldn't ever leave my kids and wasn't about to. I also knew that I never knew when I blank out or something, so I knew I could never take the kids with me. So I have remained where I'm at. It's so hard to try to fit in and feel as if you belong anywhere. I have only felt it with the Lord and I've come to question that at times, until the Lord tells me other wise and straightens up my thinking. The Lord is good.

I would go into Christianity Oasis and read, and at times try to speak up but never could. Mainly I read. I could see loving people who cared and were willing to listen. Usually I'd just remain quiet, for me it was better this way. I have always been scared many would not accept me if others knew about my own mental illness and then here I am also speaking on prophecy in God's Word. Just seems like a way the devil would use it to discredit me. In my own place I didn't ever speak on anything except the Bible mostly or on something that was taking place in the world and how it fit into prophecy. I would share many timeline charts I had created and use only facts on each one. Then one day, I had this feeling come over me that something wasn't right within one of the timeline charts I'd done up. See none of these shows a timing as day or hour, just the order in which the Bible has them placed using strictly facts. So when this happened, I had to go back and find the problem. I became somewhat obsessed about this; I had to figure this out. God's Word is something I take very seriously and for me to make a mistake made me feel like I was letting the Lord down. In my mind God is the last person I'd ever want to disappoint. It was the only place I felt wanted and didn't want to get to a place of not being wanted. The idea of teaching someone something false ... I couldn't let that happen. I prayed and prayed and nothing happened for almost three weeks. The time of the fall feast of Rosh Hashanah was coming up, so for three weeks almost I stayed awake maybe 18 to 20 hours a day except for when I had to cook dinner or get kids off to school and then I took my studies with me while waiting or them. When cooking I kept going over everything in my head. I read, and read. I prayed and prayed for the Lord to correct me where I went wrong. I felt as if the Lord had stepped back and I didn't know what to do. I went over everything over and over, and the problem was, everything was based on facts and could not be changed. I'd say to the Lord, I don't understand, what am I missing? Then on Wednesday September 12th, 2007, I gave up that night. It was late and all my kids were in bed asleep and hubby was on the road, and I gave up. I shut my Bible sort of in a mad way; I was frustrated with myself for failing. I shut my Bible and said, "That's it, no more of this I can't do it no more." In reality I was telling the Lord this. I sat down at my computer and got online and just went here and there. I grabbed some pills and begin popping some pills. I failed and couldn't take the depression and anxiety anymore. I felt as if God had stepped to the side and figured it was because I had failed Him. I popped maybe 5 or 6 pills. My thoughts were that I was going to end it all. I had purposely kept myself from sleep because it was my own way of punishing myself. And I was going to pop some more pills but then it dawned on me that all my kids were there, all asleep and what would happen ... How would they feel if they came out in the morning and found me dead on the floor from an overdose? So I stopped popping pills but forced myself to stay awake. I was so messed up that I wasn't even able to walk straight. It had been a while since I had last taken that many pills at once. I wanted to pray but felt I didn't have a right after being like I was and in the shape I was in. So I just found myself sitting in a chat room not saying anything ... Just there so I wouldn't feel all alone.

I was such a wreck and the kids would soon be waking up getting ready for school. I decided to pop in another pill to help me calm down emotionally. The kids got up; I fed them and began getting them to school. I was still severely messed up and it was hard trying to stay awake, getting the older ones off to school first, the younger ones at the time, their school was another 18 miles away. So I had to manage to keep myself awake. I knew right away I shouldn't been driving, it was raining and the headlights of other cars coming towards me looked as if they were going to hit me right on. I'd jump every time one got close. Two headlights looked as if it were six. I managed to get them to school and was so thankful to the Lord for letting me get them to school safely. I couldn't forgive myself if I had let something bad happen to them because of my own stupidly. On the way back things got worse because of the rain, to me it looked as if all the trees had turned into waterfalls and I was driving through them, headlights still scaring me because it looked as if they were going to hit me. I began praying and asking the Lord to somehow get me home. Water was standing in the road in one place and it looked as if it was a person standing up in the road and I thought I had hit them. Somehow though, I made it home and I know the Lord had His hand on me somehow. I called Kirsch and got her on the phone and we talked. I told her everything that happened. I needed someone to talk to, and we always try to be there for each other. I went to lie down and I told the Lord I'm sorry for the way I had been and thanked Him for watching over us and keeping the kids safe. I fell asleep crying and Kirsch called to wake me up to make sure I'd not over sleep and forget to get the kids from School. They got out early that day from school so I only had enough time to sleep maybe two hours. When I was waking up my head was a bit clearer, and Kirsch and me talked some and then I went outside, sat on my steps and began praying right, I repented. I was scared God wasn't going to listen, but then He showed me He was listening and had been watching everything I was doing over the past weeks. I received this phone call. It was from Israel, some one from a praying group of people I was with. They were wishing me a happy new year to come, it was Rosh Hashanah and said God has sealed me unto Him. And at that very moment my head went to working the timing and all. I was sitting there still calculating the timing which I had on the timeline charts and could feel the Holy Spirit. It all came to me and I couldn't help but get all excited. I called Kirsch and began explaining it to her. She was like "Whooaaaa!" I sat down to my studies and sure enough it fit. It turned out the timelines were right, I had only misunderstood something and now the Lord was showing me. Talk about relief! Not only did God forgive me for my stupidly but by His Spirit, He was still teaching me. Even though I may have disappointed Him, He still wanted me and it wasn't time to give up. Jesus let me know He would never ever let go of me and had me and no one could pluck me out of His hands.

Over the next week though, it turned out to be a trying time. I felt as if one thing right after another was being thrown at me, online and here at home. I was wishing more and more that God would just let me come home. Because anxiety was pretty hard at times when I knew hubby was going to be coming off the road, my anxiety would get that much worse. I stayed awake the whole night before because I had to make sure everything was in order at home ... The house as clean as I could manage it, making sure everything would be in place, trying to do anything and everything I could in hopes he would be in a good mood and not go off. We had just moved into a new house because we lost our last place due to the fact that the previous owner sold it to us under false pretences and there wasn't anything we could do to stop it. We were able to pay this home off all at once and own it out right. It took every bit of the money we had. This was good but now we were living from paycheck to paycheck and work was slowing down, Hubby was in more and more of a bad mood often. Nothing I did though seemed to help. Something was and is always wrong. So it was beginning to get to a point when I knew he was coming in and to keep him from noticing all the anxiety and depression I began to pop a pill here and there to keep myself calm. I hadn't been to a doctor in years and years and wasn't about to start now. So my pills came from family members. My Mom and Dad, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, my husband or just anything from over the counter, cold medicines ... I would just say to hubby that allergies was getting to me and I had to take some meds for it. I did that because many times my eyes would be red from crying or irritated looking from steadily rubbing the tears away. I would always hide it from the kids. Just go into another room or turn my back and catch myself.

Many times though I'd just mainly keep my focus on the Word of God, praying, and pacing back and forth talking to God. Over the years I'd find myself in my bedroom when I could get alone and pace my bedroom floor and talk to God. My kids would walk in and say, "Oh sorry," and they'd shut the door and say to each other, "You can't bother Mom right now, she's talking to God." When they would be in school, I'd usually have the house to myself so I'd pace the hallway and living room and talk to God or get thoughts together from out of Scripture. When you feel the Holy Spirit around, it's not always easy to sit still, you've got to move around and sort of go through a study lesson, ask questions and listen. When I prayed would get on my knees and face the East. It always feels like I'm right before the throne when I do face the East.

The only people I really ever talk to are whenever I get online. I always feel like I'm letting myself get exposed or something, so I have to be careful because I've come to realize that there are ones out there that even online they could hurt you. So being cautious was important to me. One of the things I'd do was if I found a place I liked, and enjoyed going to, I'd study people. You can see in what they write or how they act even online if they have a true heart for God and you can tell when someone is close to God. You can tell if someone has the authority that God has given to them. It helped me feel safer, less of a chance of being rejected and not wanted and a better chance of being accepted ... But then I'd be taking a huge chance.

One minister came into my place, he was really nice and loving it seemed. One lady, not Kirsch but another lady I have come to cherish brought this minister in. She had joined his online ministry. None of us knew him well. Got Thankful over to the side and asked him what he thought. He showed up out of nowhere, and he seemed good but something didn't seem quite right. Thankful said to try the Spirits, so I did in my chat room one evening. I think the man was prepared ahead of time. Everything seemed good though. Many were beginning to flock to him and he spoke lovingly to everyone. So when asked if I'd join their ministry I did. But I would not join my place of ministry though. A few others did join their ministry in with his. One person though, right after joining backed out real fast. They kept asking me to join my place and I almost did. I went to change the name of my place to the name they wanted it and then I felt the Holy Spirit tugging on me saying, "Do not change the name here". I backed off. I went to the person who pulled their place away just after joining and he told me that after he did so, something didn't feel right. He had to get out. Kirsch had joined her place also and she asked me why did I not join my ministry in with theirs and I told her, it didn't feel right for me to. I was still part of his ministry though, me and Kirsch talked and both agreed that all seemed all right, at least on the outside. Sheep were being fed, and taking in a good knowledge of Scripture. But then being as we were now part of the ministry, we could then see within the inside and not just the outside of things. What we began to see wasn't good. Kirsch was losing all her controls over to this guy. The lady whom I had cherished for quite some time, was going along with every thing this minister told her to do, no matter how wrong it felt. She was falling fast under this guy. The minister was telling her what to do and then she would run. Then when someone wasn't happy with something it was all her fault. This I didn't like. I also found out how he really felt about the people that were coming into his place of ministry and talking behind their backs. He wasn't happy with me not joining my place into his and letting him take it over. He made excuses plus he would say he loved you and all you did for Christ and then go behind your back and shoot you down. I confronted him and he told me if he had said anything out of the way he apologized and then a short time later he slammed me and my ministry down and then came back and said he loved me. This is how he worked. Me and Kirsch dropped away at the same time. My cherished friend stuck around but only for so long, she remained with him for another month or so. I thought she would follow because she had seen all he was doing to her very friends, not just me but others she had known for years. She said she made an obligation to him and she would keep her word to him and help him. She had only known him for a short time. This upset many because this minister was locking everyone out of his place and putting them down, and because many were turning their backs on him, he began to let every wind of doctrine there was into his place to keep it going. Many were wanting us, me, Kirsch and someone else to come and talk about everything that happened. They were ones who loved to gossip and spread rumors. None of us was going to have any part of it. I think we each were praying for God's Will to be done. Within no time, the minister lost everyone and ended up shutting down. No one would go and visit him, he got what was coming to him, he has now moved on somewhere else. After some time my cherished friend came back around though it took some time to restore broken friendships. A few friendships took a few months to have them restore. Back strong and standing grounded in the True Word of God, all was well. The ones that wanted to do nothing but gossip, their favorite place of doing this was also shut down. Never had I seen a place where others were so mistreated. I have seen some wolves come along in sheep's clothing. One man e-mailed me over and over after we had been good friends for a year. And then when I wouldn't agree with a certain subject, he became mean and I would not speak on the subject with him to avoid a bad debate. I kept peace within my place and would not allow it. When he saw that I wouldn't speak to him he came in as someone else nicely and politely picking up the same subject. We talked and then out of nowhere attacked me in two different ministries. Not only me, but Kirsch as well. He stalked us in our e-mails, leaving harsh messages. I kept leaving messages in my moderation because I would not let him speak openly on my broad anymore. It was horrible. It wasn't just me and Kirsch, it turned out it was anyone who disagreed with him on something. This guy believed also in feeding the sheep, and studying hard in the Word. Many times we had discussions, great discussions. We found out he was bi-polar and we tried really hard helping, praying, talking but he would not get help and he would not stop with the stalking. We had no choice but to lock him out completely.

I watched prayers being answered, awesome studies and sermons going forth. I got to see some come to know the Lord ... These were some of the good things and how we knew the Lord had blessed my place of ministry. I understood why the Holy Spirit had let me know not to change the name of my place. I also understood why wolves come along as they do, their master the devil sends them in hopes to destroy what God is doing. The devil knows he cannot defeat Christ so the next best thing is to get within the church and destroy the members of the body of Christ. The devil wants everything that belongs to Christ to be his own. This is something the Lord has laid on my heart pretty heavy as I watch how people treat one another. I fall short at times and act before I think, but then the Lord is always Merciful and Gracious to show me where I have been wrong. I have learned many things running a ministry. I had to watch over, then the Lord sent into my place and watched what they were being taught. To many babes in Christ comes along needing truth and if you don't watch it, they can be carried away with the wind as it blows hard around them.

With things at home not so good, and after some things that happened online within my own as well a few other ministries near mine, I really began losing heart in trying to run my own place. Even though I had a co-moderator and an editor, never did they have to lift a finger to do anything and I did get to a place where I felt comfortable being able to step out for a few days at a time and leaving things in their hands. Even then, I kept everything tightly wrapped up. No one new could post until I had a chance to view their post, I wasn't going to allow any one to come in and purposely cause trouble. All the ones who had voice chat knew, and didn't cause trouble and could be trusted. The Lord by His Spirit was still teaching, bringing new things to my heart and new charts being created from out of His Word.

I eventually shut down my ministry things had gotten worse, over the course of 5 to 7 months I watched my dad pass away, my 18 year old son and hubby got into a fist fight with me and our daughter having to pull hubby off. I watched hubby lose his temper and beat our puppy's head into the bed. The puppy was picked up and thrown on top of my leg and I jumped and froze as he beat the puppy, triggering me in a bad way and I myself disappeared for a few weeks mentally. Thankful online finally began pulling me to the side and sitting with me and I'd just sit there not saying a word, he just sat there quietly also, he sat for a couple of hours one evening waiting on me to talk.

I eventually made my way back to the Oasis and have remained there now. Always coming in and seeing first when signing in, Welcome Home, always putting a smile on my face. For the first time really I think I'm beginning to honestly work through some things in my past but still the dissociative disorder has it's affect on me at times and I have to step back. I can't or don't deal with things good at those times and do separate myself from everyone whether online or right here at home. My family and everyone. My hubby, he tries holding his temper these days, I'd be lying if I said he doesn't. He tries teaching our kids that it's not right to lay a hand on a lady for no reason. Even though I get scared out of my wits at times the physical abuse will come back. I know somewhere there the Lord is working on my husband. I can see that, and hubby tries harder than I do these days to make things better between us, unfortunately I'm the one who's scared to try, tried for years and no success. Trusting is a hard thing allowing someone to love you whether from a husband or a friend is a hard thing to let happen. Some things I'm working on. It confuses me sometimes when one says 'love you'. I question a great deal if my marriage can be saved. I can't leave and it's hard to stay. I love my kids enough to sacrifice that part of myself so I can be with them. Not everyone would understand that. Not everyone has had to fight through with a mental disorder, I'm sure many have but a court would not give full custody to a mother or father who has a dissociative disorder, that's a fact. So all I can do is my best and hang on to God. There are times I feel as though I'm slipping and have slipped a few times and used pills to help me through some things, I'm clean today though and without Christ I sure wouldn't be here today. Have come close to taking my life a few times, yet Christ was there to see me through. If the Lord hadn't been with me through my whole life, I could have very easily ended up in prison or found dead in some hotel, graveyard or the streets somewhere because of the partying I've done in the past.

My testimony in Christ is that He has kept me by His Spirit. By the power which has been given Him by the Father over the sheep, I'm able to run the race which is before me even in times of doubt and great trials. Sometimes I need reminding, ok, ok, many times I need reminding. By the shedding of the blood of Christ, I'm forgiven of my sins; I'm watched over and cared for. I know that the work in which the Lord has begun He will perform it until the day of Christ even when I'm in a time of great doubt and feel I can't do what the Lord has called me for. Some how though, He's right there and waiting on me to call on Him to step in. My testimony is not over yet. The Holy Spirit is still working in me and leading me forth showing me the way to go.

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