Cuc's first journal ever

[Christnundrconstruxn]

A big thank you to 2 of my favorite sisters
Vahn you always amaze me with your post, you say of how you did all you could to do right by her, I have done most all I could as you said and tried to show that I wanted nothing if I couldn't have "it all" her, the kids, my home.....my life
but it did no good.
and as for the house I would do anything to repair this but the payments they had when we seperated were unbearable between us let alone just my pay and the house was let go after we split, I even went back and cleaned it out of all the junk and trash she left behind because I couldn't stand the thought of it being left like that, she was the sole person on loan but I initialed the papers as her husband so now they are mad because she filed bankruptcy and looking to take me for anything they can get.
I just want the same chance to start over as she has and not be striped of what little life and dignity I have left.

Thank you so much brother, and it is as you said that is ALL I want is to move on and pray I get lucky like you and a wonderful woman come along that will appreciate a good loving man and know how to show that love as it was meant to be.
God bless the 3 of you and all others here as well

I got a simple little sign from our God this morning before church, I usually get on that face---- as well as here before going to church, on that page I have several Christian links such as "the bible", "Jesus", "Joyce Myer" and others and they post daily verses and uplifting quotes, God knows this has all but destroyed what little bit of the "Christmas spirit" I had and to be honest it is mostly because of my grandson that I had it....anyways I scroll through to see....
Isaiah 40:31
But those that wait on the Lord will renew thier strength
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not go weary,
they will walk and not faint.

Not only does this speak of my situation but it is also my favorite verse, which oddly enough started because I like eagles but continued because it has spoke to me more than once.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

well you all will be the first to know, I just got served the papers on the loan so merry Christmas to me
and my kids seeings how I have to spend every dime I make trying to save my behind from these money hungry mongrels that could care less that my whole life has been destroyed by bad choices and now they want to finish the job
I hope they all go home to their warm happy home and enjoy dinner with their family for the next 16 days getting ready to enjoy that day giving to their families because now due to their uncaring timing I not only will not be allowed to enjoy that nor will I be able to give my oldest daughter the one thing she asked for for her 18 birthday on the 21 a used laptop....I bet they aren't buying any of their kids used laptops for Christmas!
I'm sorry I try so hard not to have this attitude but satan knows the right buttons to push and MAN is he pushing!
I will survive this I know but it just angers me that I continue to try only to have the rug jerked out from under me every time, but one thing they CAN'T take and that my friends is my faith in our Lord, so let em bring it on let em take all mymoney and anything else BUT they ain't gettin that!!!!
God bless you all and I pray you all have a VERY merry Christmas
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I am trying to give it all to God, and allow Him to lead me as needed
I also did something I felt was needed today, I sat yesterday and made a card with a picture of me and my wife on the front when we were happy, inside I told her thank you for 14 of the best years of my life....but I cannot continue to give and feel as if I am nothing to her other than a hand with money or tool to fix the broken, and that I will no longer pursue any relationship with her and feel as if I am nothing to her
So I am about to move in a direction that scares the *%#@* out of me, I am about to see if I am able to be cleared of the debt of this loan but also the debt of my broken marriage, if all goes well with the loan and I continue to feel it is ok in Gods eyes I plan to pursue a divorce afterwards and try to move on, I cannot continue this way anymore I have done nothing but worry about this loan thing and hope for a chance with my marriage, I pray God will give me the strength and knowledge to do all I am able to start over in life with a clean slate.
Your prayers are appreciated
God bless
Cuc

[vahn]

Hey brother

I'm a kind of guy that just loves lightnings , to a point where , as a kid , I used to "chase" them , as to trying to get as close to one as I possibly can !!! ... weird ? ... strange ? ... abnormal ? ... well ... all of the above , and then some ! They just fascininate me . And so has been the story of my life as well , getting "hit" by one "lightning" to another , as the saying goes "play around the rail-road tracks long enough , you're bound to get hit by a train" , but ahh ... the thrill we get of dodging that train at the last moment huh ?
Ok , so where am I going with this . First , did you know that lighning doesn't "strike" from up to down , but rather it accumilates from the ground up ? Hence the term "grounding" , as in keeping it in the ground , (I didn't) . Second , a lighning is seldom one "branch" or "finger" so to speak , it accumilates from many areas , they join together and shoots up , meets the static activity in the clouds (which are wet by the way) and voila , the big explosion !! All in the "wrong places" . Our lives are just as the lightning build up only backwards. The explosion is within .

My dearest brother . Sometimes in our journey through this life of ours , which is seldom a straight , or a single path , Though our Lord wants it for us to be . Comes a time where we come to a fork in the road , and we must decide , (no it is NOT just TWO choices either , it is three !!) , whether to go left , or right ... and here's the third , or , we can just stay right where we're at and not budge an inch ! .

In Christ , our Lord

[Christnundrconstruxn]

To my brother Vahn,
I loved the analogy of the lightning, probably because I was one to sit for long periods watching it as a kid, I loved how it looked going across the night skies especially, but the one thing that probably never crossed my mind was the raw power of what it could do, something so beautiful could be so deadly.
Just as a strong feeling of love can do to a human, It can be a beautiful thing if treated with respect, but disrespect it and it can and usually will hurt you, I just pray God can heal me of this “strike”
As you said I have come to that point in the path, I have been sitting here for almost 2 years...I think it’s time to make a choice left or right does not matter to me as long as God is there with me, all I know is I’m tired of just sitting there.
My biggest problem is I don’t have the faith in myself, I have all the faith in God to know He will be with me no matter what trials I go through but I have never had 100% faith in myself and the only way I ever had was if I had that someone standing behind me saying “I know you can”, I think that also may be some of the misunderstanding of me by some here when I say I need that someone that I’m tired of being alone, I just want that someone I can lift and be lifted by through our walk here on this earth as well as love and spend time with
I think that is another reason we failed is I never got any feeling of accomplishment from her, other than when I stayed home as a stay home dad and she couldn’t figure out how I done it all.....that’s it and she knew I was that way, we were not best friends nor did we confide in each other, I couldn’t for fear of judgement and she just wasn’t raised to do it they kept EVERYTHING bottled up. it took us to be split up for a year and a half before she ever admitted her faults in the marriage and that hurt as well because I knew I was at fault but I also knew in my heart she had some responsibility in this as well but I would not point the finger because I didn’t want it to look as if I was shifting blame.
I was out there to her house last night dropping my son off and as usual she acted as if nothing was any different I know she read the note I gave her but no sign of any change or any words of agreement or anything.....IT DRIVES ME NUTS!!!! (sweep it under the rug...it will go away) syndrome
Sorry I guess I’m babbling again, anyway thanks for your words of encouragement, I appreciate you as my brother in Christ
Cuc

[Pine]

My biggest problem is I don’t have the faith in myself

It's ok. God has faith in you.

Love ya bro.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I had to post what I consider a praise report
I was SOOO stressed over things going on (and some not going on ) but I went to the Lord in hopes He would ease the stress and as usual just as He calmed the waters of the raging sea he calmed the rage of worries, I just need to keep my faith in Him to allow me to get through these holidays and then I need to do things to "elliminate" these stressers
one, the bankruptcy= get the needed paper work together and file for it
two, my teeth, I was dealing with excessive pain and was off and on to the point of not eating (not that I couldn't lose a couple pounds ) but I asked my Lord to allow the pain to receed until I could get insurance and or find somewhere to have the work done after CHRISTmas and I have not only been eating like normal but even sneakingin a sweet here and there.....with NO.....yes I said NO pain
three, I am going to proceed with a divorce after all this is taken care of and start a new fresh start of my life and hopefully do it somewhat right this time around
So I am not really in the CHRISTmas spirit BUT it is the CHRISTmas spirit of CHRIST that I wish to rejoice in and not the presents and santa CHRISTmas spirit that I care about this year so yeah I guess I AM in the CHRISTmas spirit.
May God bless you one and ALL this CHRISTmas as well as into the new year
Your brother in Christ
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Well it's been almost a month to the day since my last post and not much has changed
I am a very BAD procrastinator, I have done nothing about any of the above mentioned items and part of that is depression, I just get so bummed out and just give up! it is probably one of the most hated things about myself
I hear others say just quit giving up and don't allow yourself to not do these things.....ok wish it was just so simple
I believe just as we differ in personality and looks I believe our drive and energy levels and ability to tolorate things such as test, trials and pain ALL differ from one to the other, I know there are some things I see of other people and it is like "whats the problem" or "why can't they get it" only because it seems SO SIMPLE to me, I think we all fail to realize this.

Alright enough of that, I also have another added obstical, they cut our crew but not the work and now I struggle to get JUST what was added NOT including what I ORIGINALLY had , and PLEASE don't get this as I don't appreciate having a job because I do BUT it would be nice to feel as if I was accomplishing something, I run from the time I start to the time I quit and just get more discouraged by the day because I know soon they will start asking why isn't these things getting done, it does not matter what is said....it looks good on paper so it MUST be possible!
I am one that cares and takes things to heart and that includes doing a good job BUT because of this "new" setup I am slowly losing my care as to weather or not things get done OR if they are done right......here again brings in depression because THAT is NOT how I work, I like to do things to the best of my ability and pride myself on hearing others speak of how good things look or is done NOT because I want noticed for it but when I hear those things it tells me I did my best and it was noticed because things were right.

And if I can ask please pray for my son, I found out he picked up smoking, I did not lose my cool with him even though I wanted to but when I ask him he told me without hessitating, I may be wrong but I remember when I got caught it was different and I smoked for another 20 some years, I want to try to reach him in the ways I wasn't.
well breaks over gotta go but will try to post soon
God bless all my Oasis family

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I am SO tired of the devil taking what little joy I get and turning it into what he wants
I have tried so hard and long to be that "good" man but aparently it's not in the books for me to be anything
so I guess twice misunderstood means maybe I should just give it up
Thanks to my one sis that didn't ever judge or misunderstand me
Much love and respect to you miss Lani, thaks for being there and trying as you did
God bless
Cuc

[realtmg]

Bro.
I have learned that sometimes the harder we try the worse it gets. I read about Paul in prison in Phillipi; the whole Books; were as Paul wrote this Book in a little cave with little light and the attitude he had there. It amazes me. I have researched a little and it was said that his letters were an inch tall because of little light.

I also know by experience and by God's word that the people he uses/use experience deep trials and tribulations.
Moses wandered in the wilderness for 49o year before being allowed to cross into the Promise land.

All the characters of the Bible had it rough at times. Look at Job.

I have down days in which I have no choice but to look to the End.
AS Peter walk on water as he kept his eyes on Christ, yet when he looked down and took his eyes off Him, he began to sink.

You are not alone in this worldly journey and I enjoy your post with up-most respect.

Grace and Peace be
unto my Bro.

In Christ Love,

Real

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Thank you SOOO much for the encouragement Real.......you know you are just that REAL

I just get discoraged when I have a little glimmer of innocent happiness and the devil turns it into something it's not
at my age I pray I don't have to endure 40 years of this I won't make it
Seriously though thank you for reminding me as the song "through the fire" says He never promised the cross would not get heavy or the hill would not be hard to climb.

He will show up and take me through the fire again.

God bless
Cuc

[Lani]

Howdy Bros

Real... I too enjoy reading of Paul's journey. It gives me such Hope!
Cuc... keep on keepin on dear bro For every voice that speaks against you, you have a dozen sayin NOT TRUE!

Kick cruddy to the curb.... Shout if ya like "get behind me, satan!"

God calls on us, His chosen, to endure certain hardships... NOT because we've necessarily done wrong. More so, to show forth HIS glory to those who know not. As we surpass the trial, through His awesome Grace, those who wander are able to see His LIGHT. The truth of His love is not that we will be pardoned from pain but rather that He will Love us through it. He calls on His because His hope is that we will be secure in the Love He so richly provides, to guide us through. But, since He knows we human it up sometimes He blesses us with others, to share in this journey, to remind us of His love and to encourage us when hope dims.
He Knows your heart and He alone will stand in judgement... do not let others steal that Joy.


2 Timothy 4:7-8(NKJV)
7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing.

In the words of Paul...
Never give up FIGHT (the Good Fight) FINISH (the Race) KEEP (the Faith)

You are NEVER alone and you are ALWAYS loved

Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani