Dear sister jill
I have been away and yes I was so close to giving up, I saw the emails of there being replies but did not care.
I had done the unforgivable in somes eyes and please before you condemn them please know I do not,
I understand most of thier judgement but it does not change the hurt, it brought back the pain of the end of my marriage because these where as dear to me as this, but just as I let my marriage fail I failed these as well
I just did not expect being honest of my mistakes to change the hearts of these, I only wished to be honest of my weaknesses and mistakes to those I thought cared and I believe they did, but my mistakes were too much for them as well as me to bear
But I wish to say I love them both as dearly as I ever have and hope one day they WILL forgive and understand I am a broken man but I have a heart of gold but even gold cannot withstand the brokeness I feel.
I need to clarify yes I gave up but not so much on God I have cried out to Him these days of my absence here I only gave up on me and the thought I will ever be whole again or be happy
I just wonder if I have done so much wrong that God will never allow me to heal and become the man He needs of me
Jill I feel so broken and ashamed but what most do not realize is THIS VERY feeling is just what causes these actions and yes I screwed up royally and know I have and it only convinces me more that I will never be what I wish for nor will I ever have that woman who will stand behind me and understand me as I need her to, I am a lost cause that has no choice now but to accept the consoquences of my actions
I thank you, popples and timothy for being the only three here that reached out as well as one new sister I'm sorry I forgot the name but you know who you are (the comment on my page
and I am not saying anything bad of the others
I deserve to be shunned by those who know my weakness prevailed and yes I chose to allow it too.
I was devistated by the loss of the ones here, I hope they soon see how much it hurt to loose thier love and friendship
it is the first time I walked away from her with intentions of not coming back, and not because of them but because I felt unworthy to be a part of this place anymore and still do in ways cause I wonder if I will ever be strong enough to be who I am supposed to be instead of the FILTH I have allowed myself to become through satan and his SICK ways.
and please before I get the song and dance of all deserve.....I know this story but I tried believing in it and believing I was changing but have come to the reality I haven't changed one dang bit!! my weakness is just as strong and I fail to control it!!
I'm not going to beat around about it nor will I lie...hell that's why I lost one of the two I cared VERY much for here but hey I have ALWAYS said I will NOT lie.....so here it is!! ( I cannot believe I am going to do this
I got weak and went out and drove the streets, I picked someone up.....YES a lady of the night in nicer terms,
I did not realize she was until she was in my car but by then I was to weak with desire for this very pretty girl....yes GIRL
she was HALF my age and yes the age of some heres daughters heck not much older than ONE of mine and yes that was on my heart BUT my weaknes of loneliness was stronger, I spent the evening with her and she ASKED to stay and I wanted her to but I wanted her AS a woman NOT the HOOKER.
I had a wonderful time and we did not even do as most think and no details are NOT important what is is that I allowed myself to be weak and yes I ABUSED the reason God put this girl here BUT I wanted LOVE and affection NOT SEX!!
But still was NO MATTER IT WAS WRONG!!!!! I GET IT and I beat myself up severely over this and would never do it again but made comments that I am confused and one side of me knows and never would but there is the other side that tried to be a man to her NOT a "JOHN" and yes I know THAT is what I was!! but I was confused by my wants and desires to feel I was with her as such.
I WAS WRONG AND NEVER SHOULD HAVE ALLOWED IT I GET IT AND I GOT IT DIRECTLY AFTER!! but it does not change the fact it happened and I was NOT going to lie!!
I guess what I'm trying to say is even after I knew who she was I still wished to treat her as a woman not a hooker and I did.
BUT here is more conviction, I was asked something and yes it was true, had I met her here and been trying to show her how to be right with God (as if I am any place to do so
) and then seen her on the street and knew who she was what would I have done....the same or prayed with her and took her to a safe place........
sadly I had to be honest again and say yes I would wish I could say "oh I KNOW I would have done right"....BUT I WILL NOT LIE!!!
I do NOT know!!! I hate myself for this and yes I know this is a sin and so is hating myself....well I'm getting pretty use to doing BOTH I am a weak person that PRETENDED I was ok and was getting closer to God which contrary to the sounds of things I have and do feel closer....do I feel anymore right in His eyes ABSOLUTELY NOT I feel it is hopeless cause I will ALWAYS be a loser who fails at ANYTHING I touch!! sorry but truth hurts and it does....like hell!!
some say oh you need to get closer to Him...I know this but the thing I also know is I will never amount to half of what I could be if I just had that one woman to stand with me through my weaknesses and help me to see I AM worth saving and wanted instead of feeling like the trash at the curb
The old saying behind every good man is a great woman.....never had a great woman behind me.......so what's that tell ya
I know what it's telling me.
As for the other sweet lady I met here I do not know what I done to show her disrespect or wrong but just as the one I was honest with it broke my heart and yes I gave up cause they were two who even though the one was NEVER more than a friend they encouraged me and I felt strong and like I COULD be that man but again I said something being to honest about something and pushed her away.
I'm sorry and do not deserve the love here or to be here and that is why I walked away....NOT from anger of anyone here but myself.
So now it is REALLY out of what kinda trash I am so now you all know and yes I am ashamed to no end but even that does not hurt as much as the loss of these ladies, I loved them as I still do and as I love all you for showing me the love of Christ and giving me the hope I could change and become that man.....but I'm not
I had NO intentions of coming here and saying all this I was only going to come in and say I was thankful for the love and such, but my heart was convicted as it was with those before so I was truthful and willing to accept the judgement due as I have already put it upon myself so it doesn't matter anymore.
BUT I swear this to you and God KNOWS my heart I have NEVER wanted anything but to be loved and accepted by a loving woman and healed through God's grace but as everything else in my life I SCREWED BOTH of those up too
I am DEARLY sorry for offending and hurting ANY of you that was the FARTHEST from my intentions I promise
I really wished it was not a sin of suicide cause I would just put an end to all of this and be done but I can't because I ain't even able to do THAT right!
I have loved the time here and you all have shown me a side of Christianity I never knew of and will ALWAYS be grateful
I will come here until they throw me off because I will stay and take my just judgement and I forgive those who do you have every right and I will not take that away.
other than that I do not belong here anymore.......God bless you all
so yes I'm done
signed Broken and worthless