Cuc's first journal ever

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Wow over a month since I posted here
Well I am learning to be more understanding and patient with God and His direction in my life.
I have had some things happen that bother me cause I only set out to do right but allowed satan to sneak in
But I have had an AWSOME friend that has stood with me through ALL this and more...she is a blessing to me from God
I also have to say I have seen a door open that has made me very happy but at the same time that same door is let's say not open far enough for me to walk through.....have you ever been there?? you are on one side and something you desire very much is on the other side but that door just won't open far enough to walk through.
I feel it is of God but I just don't know His plan yet, there are just too many things that "click" for it to not be of His will
PLEASE LORD!!
Well yesterday was Fathers day sadly I made no effort to reach out to my dad but I just don't feel I can anymore, he has made some choices that have hurt me and has made no efforts to show remorse or reach out himself, and at this point in my life I'm tired of being kicked to the curb or second, I reach out to him and all he does in return is send me those stupid email jokes and things, never a personal note or hey lets get together, he is more happy with his proud marine/state trooper son than his washed up old son that never amounted to nothing, but it's ok I'm use to the curb thing.
As for me I had a VERY rough start to the day yesterday I sat in church in tears most of the service, just thinking of where my life is and where I ain't BUT after church my kids wanted to spend some time and we all went to the zoo and my grandson LOVED it but the rain started to move in so we cut it short.

I just want to put it out there that I wish to thank the Lord for my wonderful kids and grandson and a special friend here that has stood with me through it all, and for bringing a very special lady into my life even if it is far away, you ALL have touched my heart in ways that make my life bearable.
Thanks for reading
Cuc

[popples]

Hey cuc I wanted to say firstly that its great you are writing again, because it makes you alive and you know the book Im reading made me realise Jesus doesnt care which sin is yours or which is mine SIN is SIN and he promises we can ALL be forgiven we can ALL be healed. You know Jesus called Judas his friend, doesnt that show you that he loves us unconditionally, no matter what cuc you are doing GOOD. When you fall get right back up and know JESUS LOVES YOU.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I just don't know what to say or do anymore
I am SO glad today is wednesday cause I need church bad today, I pray He reaches out to me tonight...
I'm REALLY needing His touch today

I really wished His plan for me was more clear, I'm so tired of wondering aimlessly
I feel like crap!! I just want to go hide somewhere
sorry such a crummy post
Cuc

[popples]

Dont apologise, FAITH its all you can have, God has a plan cuc he promises never to leave you out. I know you thinking and feeling pretty left out right now but the reason you only see one set of footprints is because he is carrying you.
This BIG hig is from Jesus.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I have been feeling so broken and lost for the last few days, I know I am not what I need to be and that I don't try hard enough to change, but I have made myself VERY clear that I want nothing more than to be healed in God's love and hopefully some day be happy with the one He chooses for me, I just get as I told someone in a message the other day like a "spoiled" kid in a candy store.....BUT...BUT I WANT IT NOW!!!!!

I must tell you all though I was awakened by my alarm this morning for work and He started right as I opened my eyes , I will praise you in the storm by casting crowns then as I lay there and began to get back to my ho hum self one or two other songs played ( I lay there until I HAVE to get up ) then what plays.....Amazing Grace, I hardly ever hear it on the radio and especially in the morning.....but He knows that is one of my favorite songs and it gets a hold of me EVERYTIME it plays........I said ok Lord as I smiled, I get it and thank you
and then recieved a message from a dear friend that lifted my spirits again, SO.....cruddy YOU NEED TO BACK THE HECK OFF!!! me and MY Lord AIN'T HAVIN IT!!!!!
God bless you all and I pray He reaches out to each of you as He did me this morning.
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I have yet ANOTHER praise report
I went to sunday morning service today (late due to satan's games )
BUT there never the less
It seemed like the typical sunday morning service........yeah right.........Go was INTHE HOUSE!!!!!
first (I did notice kinda full parking lots) we average about 280-290 well a few of the regulars were not there but we still had 320!!! yes 30-40 ABOVE our numbers, we do a praise and worship for the first part of service and it seemed as if today there was more of God's presence in the worship time, THEN we do a alter call and offering....well this WASN'T the normal alter call The Lord had a few stand and witness and one gave himself back to the Lord and another was saved
BUT He did NOT stop there, a few more witnessed and during the second part of this I kept feeling.....GO.....GO....
I even came from the balcony (were I sit most sunday mornings) down to the main sanctuary but went back and sat down thinking no I don't need to go up there a few minutes later BACK down and stood at the back of the sanctuary....back and sat down A THIRDTIME and it was then I realized OK Lord I get it you are INSISTING so to the alter I went to witness.
I said you know I am attacked ALMOST DAILY by satan and I get weak BUT I want to thank God for those attacks,
cause if satan is attacking me so often.....I must be making him nervous!!!! you see he knows I'm God's and that truly bothers him so he attacks me cause he wants me for his own, thank you Lord!!!!!
ohhhhh you should have heard the amens and applause
It felt so good to know He was pushing to use me to stir these followers, and even later after service I told the Pastor of how I refused to go the first two times and he told me if I hadn't have listen to God the third time I would have gotten a spankin by God when I got home , you and I know I would have regreted that the rest of the day if I hadn't.
this went on so long that the Pastor didn't even have time to preach the word, and in some places that would be frowned on but in our church we WELCOME IT!!! cause that WAS the Holy Spirit moving in that building this morning and I am proud He chose me to be a part of it.....even if I was being stubborn

God bless
Cuc

[xxJILLxx]

Awesome, sounds like it was a great service

Oh and cuc.... stubborn??? HA!



Love ya brother, thanks for putting a smile on my face this am.

God bless
♥Jill

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Well it as you see has been too long since my last post here

I know I do not practice the ways of a "good" Christian by reading the word and such but I do try to spend time each day speaking directly to Him and also spend the time in His house to worship Him and listen to His word, and when I am doing these things it is heart felt, I am almost ALWAYS brought to tears and sometimes I feel as if I must be bad or something and that is why this happens.....BUT you know what I think?
I think it is cause it is TRUTH in my heart and even though I stumble and fall and don't "measure" up to somes standards
I know God knows even though I don't do all things I should to follow His path He knows there is NO stronger feeling in my heart than that of His love and my need for Him in my life.

Just as I ask the Lord for prayers for my Oasis family almost daily I ask for those who will to pray for me right now due to some heavy burdens and trials that I am enduring right now, I will survive and I will continue to try daily to become "that man".....it's just really hard when all you've known for 40 some years is the wrongs in life and all the sudden wish to change, some are blessed with instant change and with no effort on thier part but there are others that struggle daily and fall constantly and feel they may never "heal".....please......pray for us

I am openly in your all's presence asking for His forgiveness for ALL the wrongs I have committed and to heal me and make me the man I desire to be and not the trash I have allowed satan to turn me into

God bless and thank you for being here for me as well as the other poor souls who feel broken and alone
If I am not here for a few days please know I love you all and will hopefully return with a better feeling of myself as well as my future in Him
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

LIFE SUCKS!!!
I SWEAR IT JUST SUCKS!!!
I'M SORRY IF i OFFEND ANYONE BUT I QUIT.....I JUST FREAKING QUIT!!!!

[xxJILLxx]

hey brother,

Are you done? Really? I think i know you better than that. Whatever the trial examine it with His eyes and realise it is there to mould you,, (construct you) into the man He wants you to be.

Oh by the way, here is a tid bit of info that helped me realise some things.

Man is man, he will do as man does. None are perfect. Only HIM. Whenever i see myself failing "others" expectations I am at that moment making them my god. yuk, hu? We answer to HIM, and if you love Him, as i know you do, we are careful in our relationship with Him to seek His Wisdom in every situation, less we fall more than we should. We live and bow down to no man or their expectations but rest in the spiritual knowledge and wisdom that we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. EVERYTHING! Trials INCLUDED!

Look within and seek Him and after you done that look around at the current situation with HIS eyes and see the truth of WHY the trial is there. I Believe That Nothing Absolutely Nothing Happens in Gods World by Mistake and Everything Happens for a Reason Its Up to You to Walk Through What Ever It Is ,You Have to Find Out the Reason.


PS. offend?? Why bother yourself and consume your thoughts of WHO may be offended with you being who you are? You are UNIQUE and a child of God, we all "fall short" in one way or another... none better than another just at different stages of our walk with with Him.
God bless cuc
♥Jill

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Dear sister jill
I have been away and yes I was so close to giving up, I saw the emails of there being replies but did not care.
I had done the unforgivable in somes eyes and please before you condemn them please know I do not,
I understand most of thier judgement but it does not change the hurt, it brought back the pain of the end of my marriage because these where as dear to me as this, but just as I let my marriage fail I failed these as well
I just did not expect being honest of my mistakes to change the hearts of these, I only wished to be honest of my weaknesses and mistakes to those I thought cared and I believe they did, but my mistakes were too much for them as well as me to bear
But I wish to say I love them both as dearly as I ever have and hope one day they WILL forgive and understand I am a broken man but I have a heart of gold but even gold cannot withstand the brokeness I feel.
I need to clarify yes I gave up but not so much on God I have cried out to Him these days of my absence here I only gave up on me and the thought I will ever be whole again or be happy
I just wonder if I have done so much wrong that God will never allow me to heal and become the man He needs of me
Jill I feel so broken and ashamed but what most do not realize is THIS VERY feeling is just what causes these actions and yes I screwed up royally and know I have and it only convinces me more that I will never be what I wish for nor will I ever have that woman who will stand behind me and understand me as I need her to, I am a lost cause that has no choice now but to accept the consoquences of my actions
I thank you, popples and timothy for being the only three here that reached out as well as one new sister I'm sorry I forgot the name but you know who you are (the comment on my page and I am not saying anything bad of the others
I deserve to be shunned by those who know my weakness prevailed and yes I chose to allow it too.
I was devistated by the loss of the ones here, I hope they soon see how much it hurt to loose thier love and friendship
it is the first time I walked away from her with intentions of not coming back, and not because of them but because I felt unworthy to be a part of this place anymore and still do in ways cause I wonder if I will ever be strong enough to be who I am supposed to be instead of the FILTH I have allowed myself to become through satan and his SICK ways.
and please before I get the song and dance of all deserve.....I know this story but I tried believing in it and believing I was changing but have come to the reality I haven't changed one dang bit!! my weakness is just as strong and I fail to control it!!
I'm not going to beat around about it nor will I lie...hell that's why I lost one of the two I cared VERY much for here but hey I have ALWAYS said I will NOT lie.....so here it is!! ( I cannot believe I am going to do this )

I got weak and went out and drove the streets, I picked someone up.....YES a lady of the night in nicer terms,
I did not realize she was until she was in my car but by then I was to weak with desire for this very pretty girl....yes GIRL
she was HALF my age and yes the age of some heres daughters heck not much older than ONE of mine and yes that was on my heart BUT my weaknes of loneliness was stronger, I spent the evening with her and she ASKED to stay and I wanted her to but I wanted her AS a woman NOT the HOOKER.
I had a wonderful time and we did not even do as most think and no details are NOT important what is is that I allowed myself to be weak and yes I ABUSED the reason God put this girl here BUT I wanted LOVE and affection NOT SEX!!
But still was NO MATTER IT WAS WRONG!!!!! I GET IT and I beat myself up severely over this and would never do it again but made comments that I am confused and one side of me knows and never would but there is the other side that tried to be a man to her NOT a "JOHN" and yes I know THAT is what I was!! but I was confused by my wants and desires to feel I was with her as such.
I WAS WRONG AND NEVER SHOULD HAVE ALLOWED IT I GET IT AND I GOT IT DIRECTLY AFTER!! but it does not change the fact it happened and I was NOT going to lie!!
I guess what I'm trying to say is even after I knew who she was I still wished to treat her as a woman not a hooker and I did.
BUT here is more conviction, I was asked something and yes it was true, had I met her here and been trying to show her how to be right with God (as if I am any place to do so ) and then seen her on the street and knew who she was what would I have done....the same or prayed with her and took her to a safe place........ sadly I had to be honest again and say yes I would wish I could say "oh I KNOW I would have done right"....BUT I WILL NOT LIE!!!
I do NOT know!!! I hate myself for this and yes I know this is a sin and so is hating myself....well I'm getting pretty use to doing BOTH I am a weak person that PRETENDED I was ok and was getting closer to God which contrary to the sounds of things I have and do feel closer....do I feel anymore right in His eyes ABSOLUTELY NOT I feel it is hopeless cause I will ALWAYS be a loser who fails at ANYTHING I touch!! sorry but truth hurts and it does....like hell!!
some say oh you need to get closer to Him...I know this but the thing I also know is I will never amount to half of what I could be if I just had that one woman to stand with me through my weaknesses and help me to see I AM worth saving and wanted instead of feeling like the trash at the curb
The old saying behind every good man is a great woman.....never had a great woman behind me.......so what's that tell ya I know what it's telling me.

As for the other sweet lady I met here I do not know what I done to show her disrespect or wrong but just as the one I was honest with it broke my heart and yes I gave up cause they were two who even though the one was NEVER more than a friend they encouraged me and I felt strong and like I COULD be that man but again I said something being to honest about something and pushed her away.
I'm sorry and do not deserve the love here or to be here and that is why I walked away....NOT from anger of anyone here but myself.

So now it is REALLY out of what kinda trash I am so now you all know and yes I am ashamed to no end but even that does not hurt as much as the loss of these ladies, I loved them as I still do and as I love all you for showing me the love of Christ and giving me the hope I could change and become that man.....but I'm not

I had NO intentions of coming here and saying all this I was only going to come in and say I was thankful for the love and such, but my heart was convicted as it was with those before so I was truthful and willing to accept the judgement due as I have already put it upon myself so it doesn't matter anymore.

BUT I swear this to you and God KNOWS my heart I have NEVER wanted anything but to be loved and accepted by a loving woman and healed through God's grace but as everything else in my life I SCREWED BOTH of those up too

I am DEARLY sorry for offending and hurting ANY of you that was the FARTHEST from my intentions I promise
I really wished it was not a sin of suicide cause I would just put an end to all of this and be done but I can't because I ain't even able to do THAT right!
I have loved the time here and you all have shown me a side of Christianity I never knew of and will ALWAYS be grateful
I will come here until they throw me off because I will stay and take my just judgement and I forgive those who do you have every right and I will not take that away.
other than that I do not belong here anymore.......God bless you all

so yes I'm done
signed Broken and worthless

[Timothy]

You wrote:
> I thank you,... for being the only three here that reached out...<

Ummm...Brother Cuc, um...sounds like the, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are reaching out to you.
The only three that REALLY matter.

You have confessed to Almighty God, and to your brothers and sister,
what you have done and what you have failed to do. You admitt that
you are not worthy, but Cuc, by HIS Word, you are healed.
Now go and reconcile with Him.

May you find His Rest.