Title

[vahn]

I don't even know if what I'm about to write even belongs here , as you can see , by the "title" of this post , (I found myself spending more time figuring what to call it rather than what to write ) but .. I feel that write I must , for this thing had been egging at me for a quite a few days now , and it is my belief , that if something , words or "event" repeats itself in the course of short period of time , it's time for me to take a closer look .

What's been going on lately , is a somewhat three fold situation for me , don't ask , I don't know ! (yet)
Ever notice or paid any heed to that little window of time upon awakening when your not actually "awake" yet but you know you are because you're out of your bed and walking around but your mind saying "uh uh , I'm not budging !! " and you keep walking into things ? Well , its been like that with me for the last couple of days now , only difference being that I'm not moving (hate walking into things) but rather "pondering" , so to speak . 1) Being "Why am I up at this hour to begin with ?" and 2) "Who cares ?" .
Before I go on , the same kind of "window" had been going on right before drifting off to ZZ land , which , I think is the main reason of this writing (seeking answer(s) )

On the side of my office door , I had installed a "Whine Box" with the slot on the outside and the box inside the office , but , knowing myself , I removed the box , so that the "notes" will fall directly on my desk , leaving me no choice but to read them . On top of the slot I posted a "Receive free cheese with each Whine deposit , inquire within (after your deposit , not before !!)" sign .

In the course of the past two weeks , I received a "need to talk" note on my desk , with no name or signature on three different days , and during each of these days this person kept knocking on my door with a "got a minute ?" , and looking at my calendar , though he'd been coming in on different time slots , but nevertheless , that time slot had been vacant all three times ! . I never made the connection , until , that is he asked me the third time , "Do you actually read those note ? " and jokingly , I say , "Why do you think I have this empty time slot for ? , but now that you're here ... " , finally , I tossed the "need to talks" at him , "Are you this guy ?" his response was , "Why do I need to write when I can just knock on the door ? " By now I'm scratching my head ! " Sooo why are you interested in whether I read them or not then ? "

On a different note , though connected , the past four days or so I had been struggling with whether to write this here , talk to some not connected with the Oasis , or just make an appointment with a shrink or something , but , obviously I opted to write it here .
Ok , take it as you will , for it doesn't change the truth .
I usually read myself to sleep and in that "window" of time before drifting off to ZZ land , I found myself in a "conversation" with the enemy , saying things like " Why don't you just give it up ? While you still have a chance ? you know you're a whimp and you ain't winning nothing but just keep fighting knowing you gona lose . Why dont you just talk to my Brother and see what He has to say , who knows ? You might end up with less bruises on your head you idiot ! "
Yep , in the morning "window" I'd been laughing at myself with "Are you trying to convert THAT *a.... * ?

Yesterday I had to take the rest of the day off .
Same paper , same handwriting , only this time it read " thank you for sparing my family the grief they would have suffered " No name , no signature ! not even five minutes into my office , at 7:30 in the morning , knock knock , "got a minute ?" , Calendar ? Vacant till 9:30 ! Note tossed , "Nope , ain't me !" . Cant type the language used after finding out that this person is not even a resident here !

His story .
"You know vahn ? You don't give a ...hoot .. about what everybody does after they talk to you , but you care a lot about them before they talk to you , and I had taken what you say "the best way to get out of your own head , is to get into someone else's , and when they get to the jumping off place , you threaten them with either to talk to you or to talk to the shrink at the mental ward , and you never had to call P6 yet , and that's why I'd been coming to you , "to get into your head" but it scared the living hell out of me each time that I'd postponed my suicide , and now I am here to let you know that I had postponed it indefinitely"
Never once did this guy talk , or even give a hint of suicide ! He just wanted to "talk" , get out of his own head , get into mine , and all I did was give him my "war" stories , not encouragement , not prevention , not "hope" , how would I have known he needed those ? He didn't mention any of it ! , Just simply talking about my "war" and how I won it through the Blood of our Saviour our Lord Jesus , The Christ , diverted this guy's decision .

Now I have to find me a picture frame to fit the "notes" in to hang in my office .

He never wrote them ! (he insists)

In Christ

[lizzie]

Amen brother

God knows what each of us needs, to see , to hear, to receive. And I have no doubt that He places people in our paths to help us get the message, whether we are able to figure that out or not. As was done with this guy and yourself.

Sometimes we get into this mindset that our job is to FIX people, and when we do we are able to realize our failures in this area eventually, cuz that is just not our job. We are planters and waterers, friends and family. Only God can change hearts and heal wounds. I know folks who are scared to minister to others cuz they wonder what would happen if they dont know how to answer a question or if they give wrong advice etc. And when we rely on US those fears are valid. But in Him, in the guidance of the Holy Spirit, who knows the needs of each person He sends us, we will be able to deliver what He wants them to receive.

God is good. Praise be to Him.

Luv ya vahn, happy new year to u