Pines Pages

[Mackenaw]

Hello Dora (aka Piney)

God bless you this day.

Thank you for sharing your journal, and your thoughts. And, what a great example you have demonstrated here, of how to apply God's Word to our thoughts and daily experiences.

It is not unusual to hate what people do or have done, resulting in the transference of that hate unto them. It truly is part of the natural human condition. However, as you know, we also have a New, super natural condition in Christ Jesus, that allows us to separate the two. God is Good. And we cry out to Him, asking Him to help us love and walk according to His will.

Lord, help my want-to, also.

God bless you.
Love,
Mack

[Dora]

Thank you Mackenaw. I've had a week vacation to get my church (place of worship with other believers) off my mind. The ballets have been cast and votes recorded and counted. Another new pastor who has been preaching at our church was voted down. Perhaps because of four things. First he was let go of at his past church where an accusations was placed on him that he touched a young girl inappropriately. The accusation was found false but he was still let go. Our pastor asked him to work for our church as a family director. He made amazing changes in the area of our children. The kids are so excited to come to church. I've gotten to know him and his family very well. They are sweet and kind and long to share the Lord with the world. That is reason number two that he was voted down. People didn't like that he was brought in so quickly and secretively. Questions were raised if our children were safe around him. The third reason they voted him down was a way of telling the Elders of the church they what the elders to step down. My husband works very closely to all of them. He knows their heart and has been a friend when the problems of the church are very heavy for them.

I noticed many harsh faces in church yesterday. They seemed to be glaring at me. I'm sure they weren't. It just felt like it. I wasn't going to let them take my joy. God gave me a joy and peace in my heart and Satan wasn't going to take it away. I can't imagine preaching with so many glaring faces in the room. I use to look at those people and see smiles on their faces. They won this battle to get rid of the new pastor and to not hire the second pastor who was preaching and is still preaching at our church. Oh maybe that's it he is still preaching at our church. His sermons have been awesome! They speak the truth and teach on Gods word. He has a child who's a missionary to china. Willing to lay her life to spread Gods word if she has too. Her wife has ministered to me and prayed for me. She's become a good friend.

My study today was on forgiveness. I'll be working on reading through this portion of the study for a few days. I'll try to make notes and post them so I won't forget what I've read.

[dema]

I still get amazed at the politics in churches. I wish it weren't so.

[Dora]

Me too.

I've not been doing my study lately. Well probably since my last post. Work and others things are getting in the way. No excuse.

I saw my psychiatrist today. He always makes me feel good about myself but then I have such anxiety and slip into depression after. So that's where I am tonight.

My childhood hero died today. I didn't know she also had bipolar and other issues. She's even more my hero now. I wonder if our sharing similar mental disorders is why I connected to her as a child. Or maybe I just wanted to be a beautiful princess saved by a handsome guy.

Anyhow. Just checking in while I can.

[dema]

A friend dragged me to a Carrie Fisher one woman show. She was hilarious and moving. She talked about her convoluted family tree and other Hollywood lives types of things among other things. Totally enjoyable - and very real. If you can find a recording of one of her shows it is well worth the time.

You are a lovely person. During the dark times of the Great Recession you helped so many people here. Problems are darker I think when life in general is dark. Having a Comedienne make us laugh, being able to do little things like go to the movie or a show help to cheer us on in life. When money is tight and we can't even do those distractions, our deep problems can swallow us whole.

Anyway, love you and all you've done.

[Dora]

Thank you dema. You made me smile!
I'll look up Carrie Fisher.

[Dora]

I've been away for five months.

The pastor who was voted down at my church became a very close family friend. His wife and I got along like two peas in a pod. Then strange things started happening. First it was just a touch of his cheek to mine while in the sound room. I was shocked but chalked it up as just a simply a touch of a brother to a sister in Christ. Nothing more. I had been to his house to visit his wife a few times. She was guiding me through this book Stepping Out of Darkness. It was really helping me. Her friendship was helping me grow in Christ, to be a better person. I was stronger and my faith was stronger. I learned to smile when up against darkness because darkness can't control me anymore. Or it didn't. The pastor asked me to have sex with him. It triggered me and I shut down. I just stood when I wanted to run. His wife took my hand and we left. He did this right in front of her. As if it was a normal occurrence. She was upset but not upset like a wife who just learned her husband wanted to have sex with another woman.

Shortly there after it was caught video taping teens when showering.

My life crumbled. I can't trust anymore. I can't extend love anymore. I'm scared of touching someone, smiling at someone. I'm not going to let myself get close to anyone. The darkness has crept back in only this time it took down a church with it. My community is in shock over this man. What if it happens again. These things happen at other peoples churches not mine. The pastor has 21 counts against him. I don't know how much jail time that will be or if it will be enough. His wife is standing by his side. At least she was when it was 7 counts. She's admitting to being broken now. I don't know how to help her. I can't help but thinking she may of knew. She had to know something was wrong didn't she after what he asked me to do. Nothing was ever spoken about that incident. I was afraid of not being believed.

My bible feels like a ton of bricks right now. I don't even know where to start reading.

I want to be the person I use to be. But stronger. I can't seem to get there. I sometimes wonder if God wants me to be weak right now so I rely on Him instead of myself.

[dema]

Please write me. I have had similar struggles. Your earlier pain was beyond me. But I have walked this road. Answers? Not so much. But I can walk with you.

[dema]

Please write me. I have had similar struggles. Your earlier pain was beyond me. But I have walked this road. Answers? Not so much. But I can walk with you.

[Dora]

I've still not returned to church. Ive never stayed away from there this long in 28 years. I feel the deep inner need to be with others who worship the same God I do. I have found a guy at work that is a christian. We've not talked about it but we have both alluded to it. He's very uplifting and encouraging. I need to hear preaching. The lack of these two things are weakening me.

Another guy at work has so much anger. It causes me anxiety. My mind says run because angry men will beat me.

I saw my mom. She isn't doing well. I went to visit her for a week. I attended church there. I loved it. I felt so uplifted. My hands had been hurting like carpal tunnel. I had a doctor appointment made to test my hands for it. At church I lifted my hands and asked for healing. They stopped hurting and haven't hurt as bad. Sometimes they hurt but not as much and not for very long. Isn't God good? He loves us and wants to bring good things to us. Our prayers for moms healing isn't coming like we wish. She has a huge open wound on her leg from the blood not going to her leg due to a weak heart. We watched as God began healing in her leg. That leg was not suppose to heal. And it's healing. God is good. Moms heart and kidney continues to not work as it should. It's teaching us to trust in God even when we don't see His healing work. I know no matter what it's all in Gods will.

I'm working a lot which wears me out.

The sun is shining this morning and there's a gentle breeze. Life feels good.

I can't help to wonder how I'm suppose to respond to this preacher who hurt children. I'm suppose to forgive. I'm suppose to love. But I feel hate. I don't want him free to do as he wishes while those children carry a huge hurt the rest of their life. So confused.

[dema]

for the healing.

My understanding is that the minister was turned in and is being prosecuted - is that not true?

Forgiveness is releasing to God what is already God's anyhow. It is relinquishing hate. If you can do something to help justice - do it. If you cannot, then let it go. Is there something that you can do that would have a consequence for him? If so, then pray about it first and probably God will give you peace in following through. God did and does punish the wicked. Forgiveness isn't about letting the wicked go free - it is about letting God do what God does - and you let him. Let God and let go.

[Dora]

This is all true except they are still a family in my community. We still have friends in common. I can't see him again.