A few weeks ago I was telling someone I didnt know how to pray these days. I would start and then stop after the first 2 sentences or so. I would get frustrated..not being able to find the words to say to the Lord..then i'd just go to sleep. None of the sleep was peaceful, though. There were things the Lord wanted to show me....and wanted me to hear. When i did sleep, dreams were chaotic. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to fix things, trying to get some organization back into life, battling things that I couldnt straighten out. In my waking hours Id try to pray for members here, for the site, for everyone else...avoiding the deep things that He wanted to talk about. Have you seen "Bruce Almighty" ? The part where Morgan Freeman who played God asked Bruce to pray? Bruce said " God, bring peace to the world and feed the hungry" or something to that effect.....and God said "That was great, if you wanna be Miss America"
While I know the Spirit prays for us even when we dont know how to pray for ourselves...and YES....He DOES want us to pray for ourselves....He wants us to come to Him with whatever is in our hearts. Even if its anger toward Him. This anger is a stumbling block. Its not as if He doesnt already know its there. And its not as if He cant understand it..or handle it. His shoulders are big enough and He doesnt think the way we do. He's not angry at me for being angry with Him. His heart is breaking because Ive let it come between Him and me.
A long time ago, He showed me some things that He wanted to do in and through my life. I was sure I was standing on solid ground and would not be shaken..till the death of the baby, that is. I couldnt reconcile in my mind how if Id had so much faith that the baby would be fine....and give Him glory and praise through the pregnancy..KNOWING the baby would be ok....well, when the twists and turns took place...I was knocked off my feet. Pride....saying it should have happened the way I believed...I did this, I had that much faith in You.....on and on and on.....pride...against God and His divine plan.
Phillip sent a picture to me of baby Zachary. My daughter in law here bought a beautiful frame for the picture with another window beside the frame. The Lord brought to mind the verse in Matthew to print and place in this window...Jesus said, suffer the little children to come to me for such as these are the Kingdom of Heaven. I knew this..my head knew it, but like in the book "The Shack", the Lord reminded me that I was feeling deep inside that He didnt love baby Zach well enough by allowing what happened to him happen. Oh, how our flesh is so different from the Spirit.
Phillip and Mae are pregnant again. This is their third baby. The first 2 are with the Lord....Phil called the other day to tell me it was confirmed that she is almost 9 weeks along. After joy and tears and release...and thanking the Lord....the fear hit. God really left me no choice but to pour my heart out to Him..with every single ugly thing Id held onto.
Lord willing, Phil and Mae will be back in the states by March at the latest. The Army wants her to be here for her third trimester. Phillip's dad is a Viet Nam veteran, who was exposed to Agent Orange. That exposure mutated his dad's dna...and Phil's greatest fear was that whatever had happened to cause the first two baby's to be lost and ill was passed on to him from his father. The military Dr. told him that what happened to those babies had nothing to do with that. The accidental overdose with baby Zach was just that...nothing to do with his DNA...neither was the condition baby Zach was born with.
I guess in all of this Im thankful...I know the Lord is good..even when we dont understand why things happen the way they do..but I know He will use this. Im thankful for the trials..and im thankful for the brokeness He alllowed...the fruits of it are humbling.
During my time of running, I heard a song. Its not, per se, a Christian song, but my spirit heard His voice and heart in it...kinda like a conversation with the Lord....
Little Wonders Songwriters: Thomas, Rob
Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know the hardest part is over?
Let (Me) it in, let your (My) clarity define you (Holy Spirit)
In the end we will only just remember how it feels (bringing us back into the fruits of the Spirit)
Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain
Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let (Him) it shine until you feel it all around you
And I don't mind if it's Me you need to turn to (in fact, I hope you will)
(Together) We'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end
Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate (trials, tribulations, times of joy, etc make us who we are in Him)
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain
All of my regret will wash away somehow (through the healing and grace of the Lord)
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Yeah, these twists and turns of fate!
Time falls away, yeah but these small hours
And these small hours still remain, yeah
Oh they still remain
These little wonders, oh these twists and turns of fate.......
(emphasis, the Holy Spirit)
These trials and tribulations we go through will grow us in Him, if we let Him work through them. God's bigger plan..His infinate wisdom..they work together for our good. Praise Him through these storms. Its not easy but He wont give up on us. He understands us completely.
Im asking all of you who read this to be in prayer for my son and his wife and this new hope she is carrying. Im also asking you to thank Him for everything that happens in your life, cuz everything that He allows is part of His purpose for your life.
Thanks for reading my ramblings. God is good...in ALL things.
I truly do love you all...and AM praying for each one of you, now that He has broken down those walls i put up. He is God..and we are not.
In Jesus,
love momo
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