Susi's Stab at a Journal

[susidivah]

OK, here I am... I put this off for a few days cuz I do NOT have a good track record with journaling! I can encourage others to use it as a tool for various, but with me I will do well for a lil while then boom, the ADD kicks in...just kidding

After thought and prayer He has told me to keep this with today, the here and now I have tendency to yap about the past, the future, forgetting the value of mindfulness for the present. There are thoughts and feelings that come up that I don't utter a word to anyone about even our Lord at times. Some of those may come out as I type but I have confidence and trust in my brothers and sisters in Christ here. I have TRULY enjoyed reading everyone's threads here, I always learn from others...

Exciting day today with the inauguration... the members (clients) are so excited. I remember about 5 years ago when our new group home (at the time) met Senator Obama at a function in Tinley. Who'da thunk... they ask now can President Obama help with the mental health funding, services, etc. Illinois only prays...

Hope over fear... some I know are fearful of the same mistakes our former governments have made. Or that America is so far gone no President nor Government can turn it around. Keeping God first we know is the key, the True Grace, Love, and Compassion to bring unity to a country who can do so much more together than just one President. I feel we need to work on this constantly here at the Oasis as well. I hope others agree

Dear Father, please continue to be with all of us shepherds here as well as those elected to shepherd our country. Help the spirit continue throughout your creation and let events and opportunities such as and administration under President Obama be used for your Witness and Glory. Amen

Time to get back to the world's work...

[susidivah]

OK have a few minutes here to journal. I was hoping to do it now instead of later tonight when I got home when I tend to talk myself outta too much typing

This has been a busy day thus far with more busy to come... but I knew it would be that way and actually its kinda nice after slow at work last week. With assessments this morning and later this afternoon I did get a chance to go to register for Weight Watchers with my boss. We are also good friends only 4 years apart. Some peeps here may relate, after working for the same organization for 15 years some coworkers you find out are some of your best friends. At least in social services it appears that way...

Anyway we had talked about joining for a while. I had done very well on the program a few years back and after trying a few things after this last weight gain last year I prayed much about it and felt a sense of confidence in going back. I tend to have a LOT of excuses for any weight gain I have, e.g. hereditary, medical problems. But when it comes down to it I'm just two things: 1) lazy and 2) eat when I'm stressed. I've decided to incorporate my own devotional time with the Holy Spirit with it this time. Pray more over my meals and my exercise. Time to get this temple in better shape and treating it better!

OK, finish paperwork now then out to do assessments and teach Chloe... thank you, dear Father, for the sunshine today

[susidivah]

Wahhhhh another busy day, but it's all good It's all good when I have a good rhythm going with things.

Am struggling with accepting a pet peeve of mine these days, and that is pretencious, prideful, overly self-righteous, or overly righteous (to the point of judging) people. When I take a step back from these people, I realize I could be just as bad by judging them! Some personalities and attitudes just grate me, and it causes me to question peeps true intentions and motives. Are they really trying to help others and/or be an example of our Lord FOR our Lord or for their own gain? I'm working and praying on accepting that these peeps may be no different than me, and I too was like this at one time. But still, trying to keep humility in mind at all times, can be hard sometimes.

There's a lot more going thru my head related to this and similar but I have a session here so maybe write more on it later...

Program tonight whoooo hooooo!!!!!

[susidivah]

Ahhhh the weekend...

Missed journaling yesterday cuz was really busy at work then WIPED last night. Sat in the Oasis Lounge program and just read everyone's words... felt the Spirit but Spirit I hope understood I was tired thus didn't feel like typing much (Sorry lizz ) Then I logged off, did some things around the apt, and went to bed, proceeding to wake up at 4 this morning! UGH!!!!! Melody didn't seem to mind at all

I'm looking right now at Melody's silhouette behind the balcony curtain sitting watching the birdies on this sunny morning. Contentment is the word that comes to my mind. I have problems sometimes discerning between true contentment, complacency, or apathy. With myself and with others. I've learned from the Word that complacency is not a great place to be! My senior pastor from my "old" church (the mega 4000+ one) has a sermon on The Three Chairs, I should try to get a CD of it to share. Some of the ideas are from a book, can't remember off hand who the author is. But talks about peeps being somewhere in three stages on the Christian walk: Complacency, Compromise, and Commitment. Sometimes we move to and from these at various points in our relationship with the Lord. He stressed that one of the worst places to be is in the Compromise chair. Boy don't I know it. Our Father wants us all, all of us, all the time! Funny how Satan can sneak in with the salesman techniques here and say let me make you an offer Duh, that is why trying to compromise with God is dangerous. Guess the point of this writing is just my thinking on continuing to move more into the commitment chair, more often, and to help others see the same.

Got to go run errands and workout today, prolly go to 5pm service. Tomorrow my "new" church is showing the movie Fireproof in the afternoon I may go to that. I signed up for a small group starting in two weeks on Hope. Maybe I can glean some thoughts for here and for my group at work Hope Enhancement. I'll pray for His revelations to me in the study...

Have enjoyed reading everyone's journals!!! Feel I'm getting to know some peeps better and some have really encouraged and inspired me

Till next time...

[susidivah]

OK, I already had this convo with HS but I'll have it again with the witness of some of my bros and sis here I SWEAR I was gonna journal yesterday! My laptop however decided to be difficult almost all day and I'm praying I don't have to take it in (cha ching)... we'll see how it works tonight!

Weekend was pretty productive minus that I wanted to spend time serving here yesterday (wahhh)... had some good exercise time which I needed so desperately thank you Jesus! Now that I've been more structured and mindful of my eating I am feeling better physically. Lord please help me to keep it up and to keep giving it all to you!!!

Saturday night I spent some time on XXXchurch. It is a website dedicated to educating and witnessing to others that are affected by pornography, either directly or indirectly. Our Lord has really been turning my heart to their Esther program, which helps with funds, counseling and of course Christian Witness for peeps to get out of the porn industry.

When I read of this program as well as other missions and events the staff have been involved with I think of my friends (and still consider my friends) Ed and Ches. They were a couple I met when I was in the lifestyle who were in the porn business mostly in Chicago. No need to go into great details about that, but when I left that circle they had produced a video which was picked up in Vegas and they were headed there. I heard from Ches a couple of times before they left. She had started working on GED classes online, and we had some good conversation about keeping that up. She shared what she wished to do with that, WHEN THEY GOT OUT OF THE BUSINESS. My instincts had been telling me that Ches was wanting out now, not later. She told me Ed was excited about this opportunity and it would help with their savings for a family in the future. I do not remember how I responded to that at the time, but did encourage her to continue with school and her dream of work and family. Ches knew I was a Christian, and she "believed in God" herself. When I first starting thinking about that past conversation I regretted not reminding her of more of our Lord. Not beating over the head, but just a lil more That was 4 years ago, since then I've only gotten two messages on my answering machine from Ches, just wanting to talk, but she never left a working forwarding number.

Wow, I must have really had that on my heart! There are others too moreso in the Lifestyle (which can be much diff from the Industry). I continue to pray for all those still in Satan's grasp there. I confess I have fallen particular to some of the things I did in sin and I KNOW now how to truly repent and move on. I think God is still work on my calling to go back into the darkness to help tho...

Better go eat lunch, busy afternoon ahead! Till next time...

[susidivah]

So the laptop was acting up yet again last night... but I didn't spend as much time futzin with it cuz did have other things to do I'll talk to my coworker today who knows something about comps to see if something can be done without taking it in... thank you Lord for allowing me to get on Oasis a bit at work

This morning before heading out (when the laptop was working hehe) I checked my sister and family's Dropshots page and they had pictures of the worship music team from the States who is over there in Taiwan for two weeks. A couple of the members are friends of Sarah's from her undergrad I believe. They are called Harvest Ministries and they travel to churches, retreats and such to spread the Word thru music. They looked like they were having so much fun! Particularly the congregations! Some of them do not understand English but Praise God for the universal language of music! Holy Spirit certainly flows thru some of those gatherings. What a blessing to have the team witness to these people.

Lots going on in my head lately... ideas, thoughts, opinions that I pray are righteous in HIS eyes. I get in the mode of worrying about what others think when I now remember I'm not turning to over to Him when I feel that way. I also try to remember when I catch myself thinking certain ways of others (there's that subtle judging again) that all have thorns from this life, whether it be circumstances, attitudes, personalities, etc. BUT we all have a beautiful rose always in bloom

Thank you Lord for sending your Son and thank you Holy Spirit for sticking by us thru the beauty and the pain...

LOVE YOU ALL WHOEVER YOU ARE!

[susidivah]

What a busy few days! Have only had a chance to come on Oasis a few times and only for short times each time. I hate going into chat when I know Imma only gonna be able to be there a short time! And trying to keep up with forums gets harder when you aren't on for a while... ah I know some reading this can relate Thank you Lord for teamwork that is so needed in this "biz" too

Pretty much by the end of my day these days I have to really sit down and organize my mind and what I still have to do (e.g. bills these days) or else I forget more easily than I used to. It's happening sometimes at work too... in the past I would've attributed it to distractions, but these days I really think its partly my memory! I tell my Lord I'm not 40 yet don't do this to me!

He has given me many blessings recently. I lost a few pounds this week which encouraged me greatly due to the loss of hope with the whole thing with the thyroid (or lack of thyroid now) issues. He is helping to clarify what I want to do about the second job situation. The private counseling opportunities are taking a while to get in order due to some individual insurances do not reimburse my particular licensure. I have a good idea of sliding fees but unfortunately (and guiltily I admit) I find myself having to weigh cost effectiveness. I really wish I didn't feel this way, for with the piano instruction I'm not as hung up on the income coming in. And I have opportunity for more piano students. Oy. Again, I know these are all blessings... and I'm hearing and feeling more to keep with the piano at this time.

I cannot think of a time where I mindfully put something in God's hands and it hasn't worked out in some way... how can we preconceive anything on our own knowing he'll take care of us always? So hard for me to fathom at times...

Better go work some more then work on program for tonight. for everyone here at the Oasis!

[susidivah]

Well best laid plans Although I was halted with my journaling by my laptop at home as well as the site difficulties here... ah such is life

Just didn't realize how much catching up I had to do after being away a few days... particular to updates on crew and sheep and updating my prayer list! I've gotten back into making a tangible prayer list, in black and white on paper, in a notebook again. I started doing that a few years back when I came back around to Christ and to recovery. I really enjoy the alone prayer time with our Father, enveloping myself with the Spirit and meditating on His Power to comfort, heal, etc, etc, etc! How awesome is He???

We had more layoffs last week with the organization. Stupid State and the funding. That is primo uno prayer right now thanking Him for my job! I know no matter what He will take care of me and provide but still am grateful beyond words I have a good job working with awesome peeps. Lord please continue to help me show YOU thru what I do. It helps many, I know.

Guess I had better get ready to leave work... just thought I'd jot a few things down... till next time ciao to all who read

[susidivah]

Am tired today... and fatigued...

Been tired on and off the past couple of days even tho I think I'm sleeping ok, eating well and keeping as active as I can with work and such... the endo doc says I should have energy, being hyperthyroid with the meds. It may be the weather, trying to get my fluids in (aka: water), and I don't wanna admit (without TMI here) some gyn issues. I have to get back to that doc for ultrasounds and such. Lord I know you always got me with this medical stuff but please don't put me thru more months of docs and tests and procedures. I know Your Will Be Done...

I have a Devotional book here at work from Ken Gire called Reflections on the Word. I have read many of the Devotionals many times (had the book for years) and was reading one excerpt today that I want to type here:

From Ted Loder's "Guerrillas of Grace":

O persistent God,
deliver me from assuming your mercy is gentle.
Pressure me that I may grow more human,
not through the lessening of my struggles,
but through an expansion of them...
Deepen my hurt
until I learn to share it and myself openly
and my needs honestly.
Sharpen my fears until I name them
and release the power I have locked in them
and they in me.
Accentuate my confusion
until I shed those grandiose expectations
that divert me from the small, glad gifts
of the now and the here and the me.
Expose my shame where it shivers,
crouched behind the curtains of propriety,
until I can laugh at last
through my common frailities and failures,
laugh my way toward becoming whole.

Thank you Lord for all your blessings thru the fatigue and exhaustion...

[susidivah]

The weekends are looking better and better to me these days
Although the work and the routine of the week is good for me, I know...

Am feeling better than I was a couple days ago. I have no idea why I get so tired and fatigued at times, but I'm not gonna dwell on it too much. Just keep up with the healthy eating, get more exercise in, and more of my Lord time Have to remember this is just my temporary vessel here on earth. He's got my soul

I had my first small group meeting last night with the peeps from the new church. Not used to a small, small group (there's only 5 of us). But it was very nice. The ladies are very welcoming and sweet. I think this will be good getting back into small group.

So much else going on in my head today but have to get rawkin here with errands and sending my Taiwan babies' Valentines gifts out May write a bit more later...

Love to all...

[susidivah]

Whew, what excitement these days have been bringing lately... I'll say excitement instead of busyness, stress, etc... sounds more positive Once again the Be Still and Know I am God is being pushed to the curb! I am looking forward to a 4 day weekend this weekend where I intend to spend at least a day or two with some serious time with my Lord...

Something that made me feel better was to see Brandon post the Serenity Prayer in Crew Forum. I LOVE that prayer so much. I loved it before I even knew the whole thing (from Celebrate Recovery). It reminds me to keep it simple with small steps. And to constantly be listening and looking for His Will. What concepts in our wacky world today...

My laptop is going in the next couple of days and I PRAY its something really simple I do miss spending time here at night where I have less distractions.

Gotta get going here to Weight Watchers in a bit yay. My tired temple is slowly feeling better

[susidivah]

Few days outta here... couldn't really get my thoughts together to journal so I left it...

Well I have no puter at home now it's in the "shop", first time in like 5 years I haven't had a working puter at home. So its the library and work for me now to juggle all the stuff I do on the puter... can't remember what I did without one in the "olden days"

The time at home I think is being well spent reading, writing and praying. And a lil more TV (which I usually don't watch a lot of) but hopefully He doesn't mind! Some peeps have questioned a bit about my hosting the Behind Closed Doors forum. Not in a mean way (or at least I haven't taken it that way) I think they may wonder because of my profession. I've never talked about that particular issue in my past. The self injurious behavior I mean. Nor other things, partly due to trust issues and to me sin and suffering is all on the same scale to God... in some scenarios to "compare wounds" is not needed. Sure if I can help someone thru my specific experiences it is God's plan. But I am different and not different from others in the quest for eternal life and salvation.

About the trust issues... these days they are becoming very clear due to some things going on in my personal life. I really don't realize at times how much trouble I have getting close to people at any level of relationship. Arrrgh. Guess the solution is to keep working on getting closer to the Spirit who will help I know. Keep praying on it...

Oh, my time is almost up on the library puter but am glad I got to come into Oasis to read forums and pms and post a bit... don't know what I'd do without this place