Pines Pages

[Dora]

I have therapy tomorrow and have decided I need to accomplish some of the paperwork that goes along with the therapy. Only I have anxiety over it so I avoid it. I causes me to look back into my life a bit. The mission of the paperwork is to help me understand what triggers me to s.h. Often I don't know why because my mind goes so strongly into the thought of how I need to s.h. It's been about 6 weeks since the last incident. I made some mistakes at work and there I went struggling with thoughts of hurting myself. It seems so weird. I don't understand it. Except there's a serotonin boost when you feel pain. I think what it comes down to is self loathing. Dad made sure I new I was lower than a worm. Seriously that was his words. I know he wishes he could take it back but it's a process getting it out of my head. I often turn to thoughts on how God loves me and sees me. Sometimes it's easier than others.

It appears to me the closer we get to the end times the more issues I struggle with.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Dora (((hugs)))

God bless you this day.

I'm praying your therapy goes well and that the blessed peace of God fills you, abundantly.

What you shared yesterday in your journal here, sounds exactly like what you needed to do. Good job, Piney. Perhaps your therapist can help you with suggestions how to best apply those truths to your life at those moments that overwhelm you.
Applying God's Word will help, as well as speaking the truth about how God loves you. Again, it sounds like you are progressing forward. Thank You Jesus.

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. God's will be done.

Love,
Mack

[Dora]

Thank you Mackenaw. *Hug*

We talked about a lot in therapy. We don't talk about the past much. Mostly about how to deal with today and tomorrow. I have to learn how to handle strong emotions before we dig into the past. The paperwork triggers the past because the self harm thoughts and actions are triggered from the past. Things top on my list to work on are suicidal thoughts, self harm, and self loathing. It was comforting to hear the therapist say self loathing doesn't fit the facts. Most I hear and or absorb is negative things said to me. Every mistake is like a reminder that I never do anything write. That's so black and white thinking and that doesn't fit the facts either. Therapy is working. Just slowly.

Work is very stressful. I'm messing up a lot. My anxiety is high and with every mistake it gets higher. I'm learning that even mistakes are God at work. How can I grow if I never make mistakes.

I've been coming home from work to exhausted to cook or clean. I am in bed earlier and earlier. I leave working thinking there must be more to life than this. Tonight I realized I must be doing more for God than this.

[Dora]

I had last typed about how I felt like there's got to be more than this. While praying about it I felt as if the Lord put on my heart that I have a ministry. Children to finish raising, even though they are adults. They need me.

We returned to church. The one where two pastors nearly destroyed it. The community hurts for this congregation. The devil entered and destroyed. But God is building it up to an even better place. People are feeling as if they can be more free in worship. The new pastor asks for people to come to the alter to be anointed and healed which was one thing I was praying this church would start doing.

I haven't done my therapy homework this week. I've been working every day and come home just to go to sleep. I slept 13 hours Saturday night.

[Dora]

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts and struggles here. In my therapy I am suppose to write down what triggers me to want to SH. I'm struggling to put it on paper. It's some of the simplest things that cause me to think about hurting myself. Such as a memory of saying something or doing something that's such a simple mistake. Something I'd like to go back and undo. A social thing. It's embarrassing to tell my therapist this. I bet he already knows though.

Also with the bipolar words pop into my head randomly. Lately it's a horrible word called suicide. I'm not sure if this is from the mental disorder or a spiritual attack or maybe both.

I feel stronger for sharing. I think I can get past the fear of writing this on paper for my therapist to see.

[Dora]

I have a rebellious spirit. It makes it so difficult to follow Christs plan for me. I'm certain God can break this but I'm uncertain how. I'm either very meek or very rebellious. I'm either black or white in many things.

God is mightier than all and has a time for everything. I just long for the day my soul can rest.

Father God I give you my life, I give you my soul, I give you my everything.

[Dora]

Purpose Driven Life
We were made to worship....
Ecclesiastes 12:13 But regarding anything beyond this, dear friend, go easy. There’s no end to the publishing of books, and constant study wears you out so you’re no good for anything else. The last and final word is this: Fear God. Do what he tells you.

I'm ruminating. I can't seem to relax. I wonder what do other people do with all the time they have. I've been awake since 2 am. Cleaning, pacing, and studying. Praying.

[dema]

I've been making jewelry and jewelry and jewelry. I'm thinking maybe I'll give it to Christmas for Everyone. I've prayed about what I should be doing now - and I am in my wilderness stage. Or maybe one of them. Think about the patriarchs. David was out tending sheep for years. He built strength by protecting the sheep from the lion and the bear. Moses was in the wilderness for decades - working for his father-in-law I believe. What did they do? Whittle maybe? Write songs in their heads? Pray a lot.

Do you get quiet and pray? I know you feel pushed to jump around sometimes. I hope you are turning to God for answers and for comfort.

The perfectionism is something I experience too - not like you do. Other people are allowed to make mistakes. Not me. And as you noticed, the more you insist on being perfect, the more mistakes you make. You are allowed to make mistakes. You are not perfect and we are all worms relative to God. God loves us worms. When we are weak, then he is strong. God can get you through.

What else is there? People. But people hurt us. So what else is there? People. Even though people hurt us - well, we need people. With God's guidance. With listening. With knowing that even though there is pain and pain and pain - there is God.

But try to look out into your back yard, take walks if the ticks aren't too bad, and enjoy the beauty. You can look at the black spot or you can look at the rose. Okay, my rose got eaten by beatles, but the back garden is lovely with day lillies, cone flowers, cleome, geraniums and other pretty things. We choose our moments. We don't get to choose our past. But we choose where we look.

I love you.

[Dora]

Thanks. I love you too.

A long walk helped. It's good for depression and many other things. Gardening always calms me but there's only so many flowers a person can plant and tend to.

[Dora]

I have noticed when I don't drink the depression lifts and this joy returns. I'm done drinking. I can''t live with this depression. I can do this. God is so good to be so near and to guide me to the right path.

[dema]

What a lovely fix that would be. It wouldn't fix everything - but if it fixed a lot, that would be such a cause for rejoicing.

[Dora]

Thank you Dema for rejoicing with me. That's one thing I love about the Christian family is we rejoice together and hold each other up.

I woke this morning to a through that I need to call our new pastors wife and spend some time with her so to lift each other up.

Living with Bipolar can damage your Christ like appearance. The ups and downs. The ups are so high I appear child like and annoying. The downs are so low others wonder what is special about being a Christian if I struggle so much. I have noticed a difference in how I handle myself when I do a daily devotional. Cimi has me hooked on Daily Bread and I grabbed Daily Inspiration for the Purpose Driven Life off the shelf.

Interesting enough today's Daily Bread is about Romans 13:14 to clothe ourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh. When we become Christians, we take on Christ's identity. Each day we need to clothe ourselves in His character. by striving to live for and to be more like His character.

The purpose driven life also confirms this today as the words shared are we need to fellowship as we are family in Christ and we are created to become like Christ. Those are the exact two thoughts I've had today was to fellowship with the pastors wife and to become more Christ like in appearance.

I love it when God brings confirmation through His word.

Dare I say struggling with multi mental illnesses makes both these things (fellowship and being Christ like in appearance) harder? Not to minimize everyone's every day struggle. I just want anyone reading this to know I get it. The loss of a loved one, financial burden, work or family stress, physical illness can cause us to fail to be Christ like in appearance as well. I do know this. I see the struggles of other fellow believers. My heart aches for them.

It seems His answer to failing to be Christ like must be His grace is sufficient for us. I'm sufficient even in my mental illnesses and you're sufficient in your struggles as well. God has blessed us.