Pines Pages

[goldieluvs]

Pine thanks for the reminder sis. Wow u painted such a picture with ur words. It is truly a gift. Thanks for reaching and encouraging others to reach.

luv ya

[Dora]

This was taken today....

[Dora]

Yesterday cubby and I went alone to a river where we just sat together. Wasn't much to talk about. My mind was full of thoughts of Grandpa and I wanted to take some time to rest my mind so I didn't share with him. Listening to the ducks and watching the beauty of the water was so peaceful I could of nearly fell asleep. Boats would come by. We were near a low bridge that opened for the boaters so as they waited we would talk. Some were impatient and rude, others quiet and just gave a silent wave. Some smiled and some were joking with us and having a great time. Was all entertaining.

My uncle in missouri had a stroke and was "sent home to die" and my niece fell and stopped breathing. They had to give rescue breaths and was taken by ambulance to the hospital. My mother must be beside herself in worry.

Had guitar lessons last night. My instructor said the song I need to learn is Old Rugged Cross. She had given me the music on it a few weeks ago. I told her it had a few notes that was difficult for me. Dumb thing to say cause now it is my homework.

[Dora]

I've tried journaling a few times and just don't hit submit. It seems everything I write is about others and how their actions and decisions have effected me.

The rest seems to just be drama. In the past week, my niece (age 2) nearly died and had to be given rescue breathes and rushed to the hospital, my sister who works at the pharmacy had her life threatened if she didn't fill a prescription that by doctors orders wasn't to be filled before next week, and grandpa passed leaving a huge void in my life.

Spending every moment I could at the hospital and much prayer and thought towards him has left me feeling empty.

Others snipping at me has made me want to crawl in a hole. Someone raised their voice at me today because I didn't know where the funeral was. How are they suppose to go so to support cubby if I don't have this information! I'd think they could consider just calling back or letting cubby call them but they found it more fitting to raise their voice at me for inconveniencing them by my not knowing where the funeral is. Well I now know and cubby can call them back. I'd rather they not come.

Cubby got to float his truck today. Which means he drove his truck onto a barge and floated across lake Huron to Mackenaw Island. Where the truck can only be parked on a doc there. As no vehicles are allowed on the Island. Everything there is done by horse.

The wind was high. The waves were over his trucks hood. I guess it's good I forgot he was floating or I'd of been in stitches worrying. While floating cubby was in the pilots house talking to the captain. He looked at his truck and said to the captain, "I guess I should of set my brakes." The captains mouth dropped and he swung around thinking cubbys truck was rolling off the barge into the water. Cubby laughed and asked him why he looked. His brakes were set and his truck was fine. The captain told him he owed him $25.00 for the truck wash. The waves were so high they washed his truck off.

Then he came up on an accident. No one was hurt. He wasn't involved. He showed me what happened, using hot wheels. Cubby is playing with hot wheels.

Sammy has behaved absolutely terrible today. If every day was like this I don't think I could continue.

Yesterday we went to the lake. There is two streams that we had to cross. We used the bridges. My youngest jumped in the stream then swam across, then the second stream he did the same. Sammy walked up to the first stream to follow my youngest across, stuck his toe in, paced back and forth then took the bridge, then the second stream he wadded into it and walked across with a smile on his face. Was sorta like watching a puppy. Tomorrow he goes to a friends house for a play date while we go to the funeral. I hope, and pray he behaves for them. If he acts like he did today, he may never get to have another play date. I made him take a nap today. He just woke up. I hope he's feeling better and ready to behave.

Well here I am at the end of another long journal that holds mostly what others have done or did.

Where am I with in all this. To the point of feeling depressed. There is a huge rose blossoming. Only one. Just out the window speckled with kid prints, past the yard filled with toddler toys and sand there's the huge red rose. Facing directly towards me. As if to say I'm here amongst all this stuff. Just beyond all this business, work, and issues. Still standing. Inside I keep feeling like I want to just sell everything, buy a tent and disappear. My thoughts are negative. I seem easily hurt right now. I woke this morning with the same feeling that I've got to do another day. With all the garbage it brings. I said to the Lord do you even want this day. He seemed anxious to take it. Yet by noon I was asking why in the world He would ever want it. He knew what the day was going to hold. I'm off to mush carrots for the baby and sit in the sun near the rose while the kids play in the sandbox.

Cubby is talking about a trip to Missouri for Thanksgiving.

I just don't know if I want to go. It seems they are happy to see me for a day or two then they start remembering reasons to be upset at me. I miss my mom though and she doesn't ever bring up the past. Hers or mine. She's honestly the sweetest person in the world. I would love to spend some time with her. With my sisters as well, just I don't look forward to spending to much time there. Not sure I really want to return to the scene again either.

[Dora]

Tonight ended better than the rest of the day.

After I posted It took a while to make it outside. Kids and their different issues. We finally made it out. I took my journal. That's been my favorite spot this summer is to sit by the garden and watch the kids. They give me reason to just sit. At times I get to thinking so deeply that I forget them though. Not cool.

So I sat there for a bit and saw a piece of paper tossed in the wind high above the house. Was a rather strange thing. So I went to look for it as I thought it landed just past the house. Couldn't find it. But I did find some smooth rocks. Took them back and with the kids we washed them and got them ready to paint. Kids had a blast.

As the rocks dried I looked at the rose and how it is so huge. Like as big as a saucer. Standing tall, yet so fragile. That's how I felt. Ready to just fall apart.

Some parents came and picked up all their kids. One little girl left. The last one is always so nervous. I wonder if they feel abandoned when all their friends have left and the house is so quiet. So we sat and read a book, A Duck On A Bike. I enjoyed it. We laughed and giggled. Then her mommy came. She was thrilled and showed her mommy the necklace she made here.

Shortly after she left the gloom started back again. Cubby and I met some of the people who are going to the funeral tomorrow for dinner. We had a nice time yet this gloom was over us. Cubby talked to the aunt that was upset at me for not knowing where the funeral is. I don't think she is going. She was being pulled two different directions and the stress it caused came out all over me.

Bad storm came through tonight. Took down a small tree in our back yard. Glad all the kids are home.

[Dora]

The funeral was today.

This morning before leaving I asked God for a miracle. Not even sure why I asked that or what I needed a miracle for.

What I saw today was a man being accepted by his 1/2 brother for the first time. Miracle enough for me.

I got to know some of cubbys family that I never met before. Was funny talking to the wife of a cousin and how her and I had so much in common and how we even looked a bit a like and how cubby looked like this cousin. Was fun to see a guy with the same nose and mouth structure, ect. And I learned a few things, one thing I learned is that cubbys family had a last name so long that they shortened it. It also has two Zs and a W! I can't pronounce it.

Perhaps not that this is all done I can get over this hump.

[Dora]

This pain causes us to create our own spiritual walls. A castle if you will, which we create around us. We dig a moat around this castle and fill it with things that man dares not look upon, much less touch. We lift the drawbridge and run to the highest window in our castle and grant audience to those who we encounter from this high window as to protect ourselves from ever feeling the pain from past experiences again.

In that mote is bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness.

Problems have a way of keeping us from being ourselves. The Lord wants the REAL you back again, because when you are not yourself, you drift away from family, friends and even Him too.

That's how I feel like just going away.

He died on the Cross for you, so why is it so hard to believe that He would do ANYTHING to have His child back?

It really is not that hard for Christians to imagine God forgiving us.

The hard part is ... Forgiving ourselves.

Yes I have a lot of guilt right now, along with the anger and bitterness towards others. I look deep into actions and words to see the "real" meaning behind them so to harden my heart toward others and keep my walls up.

[Dora]

I actually woke up yesterday missing the little toddlers and anxious for their arrival.

The day turned out pretty good. I asked God for a miracle as I bet over to smell the sauce sized red rose. I immediately heard, is this not a miracle I've given to you. I stopped to think of what the rose has to go through to grow, produce, and blossom and even to keep that blossom through the wind and rain. We had a wind storm come through the other day that took down a tree yet the rose is still completely attached. Last night we had a down pour. Even after a week of blossoming the rose is still attached after the down pour. It seems the rose is not as fragile as it looks.

I have a lot of weeds still dug deep with in. Things trigger these and I see the huge crack that's left open for the enemy to mess with. Sometimes he really gets to messing with me to. I found when something happens like the death of a loved one, the enemy jumps to work. Like vultures and I was their prey. Was!

I spent some time digging deep to see who I hold unforgiveness towards and where the bitterness lays. I'm determined to overcome this. Through Christ. After all He's the one that keeps the fragile rose intact.

This morning I on how a child who was raised in a ruff environment. Taught to me wicked grows to be an evil adult. Yet a child who is taught just as fervently that they are garbage can grow up to let down what they were taught. It doesn't feel possible. Hmmm I hear Mack singing feelings whoa whoa whoa feelings. Precious sister of mine. I'm stuck with what he said I am is just a mountain. Geesh a huge mountain! Yet God is in the mountain moving business. So I'm going to keep on and expect one day this mountain will be moved. He (dad) taught me so much and ingrained in me so much that I couldn't even type it all out if I wanted to. But God knows each and every thing.

Yesterday I read a thread from a member and it triggered a portion of my past. Some moments that I haven't dealt with. I laid in bed last night wondering must I deal with them. I have believed if something triggers then that memory needs to be dealt with. Yet when it happens to me, I don't want to. I don't want to dig into it. I wonder why I can't accept that something bad happened and just rest in trusting God with it, with out digging it out. Big ugly box in the back of the closet and I don't know what's in it, but I'm certain I know how bad it could be. And I guess God wants it. Perhaps the reason for the burst of strength and joy yesterday was because He knew I needed it so to deal with this. One thing I know is this memory is not mine. It does not hold me.

[Dora]

Today I read about forgiveness. Amazing how the steps each seem to be totally different every time I go through them.

Today's step was so peaceful. I could feel Gods love with in it.

Each time I deal with new stuff I can't remember how to get out of it. How to not let it effect me. Trust God with it. I remember that. How to trust Him I remember always was a battle getting there. I'd get to the point of exhaustion then fall into His arms where I'd finally let go. I don't want to fight it. I just want to let go. I know this time God is on my side, not against me. As the past played out It was as if I was just watching. And Jesus was beside me then he grabbed a small broom and dust pan and was cleaning up. Though I'm not ready to just let go and see that He's got this all cleaned up. I am accepting that He is in control of this and has a plan.

I have no energy or desire to do even the basics of tending to the house and family. Everything seems to take so much energy. I suppose that is normal for now.

[Dora]

Why does step 4 Forgiving yourself always make me cringe. Then I get a bit angry like someone is treading on territory they aren't invited to.

Don't judge me until you walk a life time in my shoes.

[mlg]

It's probably one of the hardest parts of our walk but you can do it.

[Dora]

Thanks M!

I haven't forgiven them. Well I'm angry and bitter so apparently I haven't. So I don't deserve to be forgiven myself. The things is I get over this. Then something triggers a new memory. Opens up a box that was hidden. And then I'm back to hating again.