Mercy7's pages

[Mercy7]

Been a lil bit since I journaled, but its been so frustrateing and anxiety and just like a spray can one little tap and ill explode with my emotions and anger. Well I keep hearing a certain scripture, so i know that the LOrd is telling me that. same as i said earlier about romans 12:1,2
think i have to learn to obey and surrender to Him cause i keep hearing about it over n over n over .
Oh i poked my eye today with my fingernail by accident and boy did it hurt i couldnt even cry it was all red. Im just about about going crazy because im just stuck in my room and well at least this week im going to church at least three times hehe, and trying to get together with my um sunday school teacher. This is been so hard trying to get to move forward and be on my own when grandparents are just not able to let me go, got um upset again last night, i sat htere just being quiet and finally said it, but ive been wanting to cry all day, some eople at church said i looked sad, i told her i poked my eye so that wasnt an excuse
i guess thats all for the moment.

[Mercy7]

I just want to say thank you ALL for your prayers, they mean a LOT to me, the Lord has been working and answeringm y prayer, What a Awesome God we serve!!!!!1
I have been praying and asking the Lord to open up some places and i felt the Lord lead me to a place and I prayed if that was the place for me to speak to grandparents heart and guide them and i asked nicely without getting upset to go to this place that is verynice its agovernemnt run and very nice and they wouldnt show u s the rooms but a lady with a little greyhound was coming in and she invited us as visitors and we saw her appartment, so keep comintinuing in prayer that they will accept my application that i will soon get to put in, hte lady said they will try and say im approved for um another place but say no and say ill wait until i get in this place, it is 75 dollars deposit and then its 300 or less dollars a month and they will help you with your payments. and its for any aged person with dissabilities or elderly. I just feel the Lord leading me this way and i will be patient and let the LOrd work this out. I will still go to church, but I feel this is a safe place with lockeddoors and where no one can get in living on your own but yet protected. And that is what i want grandma to be able to know im safe and that she doesnt have to worry about me. They have kitchen: stove, fridge, sink, and lots of storage, also lots n lots of storage, and bedrooms and living area is big, and bathroom is big, tub, sink,and toilet and a big storage bin, and teh laundry place is um a room on every floor and its 50 cents for washing and 50 cents for drying so its not that bad. THANK you JESUS!!!!!!!! for showing grandma, its just feel better that I know she wants this too and that she just wants me safe n protected, and i dont have to work right away, so will give me time for the Lord to work that one out also. I feel more at peace now until the Lord opens the door. oh also grandma and i went to the zoo, oh we had a great time. the funniest exhibit was the apes, therewas three of them.
one of em was playing in the dirt, one was look with his arms crossed sitting looking mad, the other had arms crossed too. so grandma went to talk to one and i guess it was the father an d he got mad and gave grandma a look and then turn his back on her, she kept talking so he show her by scratching his behind. One of them was um trying to get a little girls sucker, and that one liked me, tried to give me kisses trhough the window , and waved to me. one lady was trying to get a picture and well it kept turningits head, grandma tapped on the window and it turned n looked the lady snapped the pic and then the ape hid its face with its arm. Well we saw lots of beautiful animals, the little fox was there sleeping on a big rock in front of us, oh we saw a white peacock, um in the oopen just walking around, and um so many beautuful animals all of em were out and the wild turkeys wanted to look at me, the deer with big antlers wanted to look at me, so did the um wolf , they got close, oh and beautiful bealutiful bird, oh we went to the childrens zoo and they had a place you can go in and the birds will fly on you n stuff beautiful beautiful colors red purple green yellow ornage. nosiy n poopy .
one almost poopedo n me gross! ok guess thats all.

Saturday November 13,2010

[Mercy7]

Today has turned out not good
been hard to talk to grandparents in fear of that they think im mad or something
and doggy growled at me, fo now reason, he has never growled around his food, and keeps jumping on my bed
and
ive been wanting to go to the bank and grandma said i cant and got angry at me, and grandpa is being synicle howvery you say it like how you gonna get there walk? uggh!!!!!!
I just have to get out, if the dog makes a peep grandpa tell s himnicly eat em up
but with me he is harsh and thinks im yelling
but im only wanting to be heard, and then they get angru and totlaly ignore me which i HATE!!!!!!!
please pray i get the bank stuff all cleared away, i just cant stand this any longer, grandma keeps saying i though you were going to wait and pray, i said how can i wait if i cant do what i have to do to get it ready for Him to work and wait. ugghhhhhh she gets home makes dinner and bed, thats it, if i pretend to smile she things something is notright and askes why i smile, i dont know whats going on
but i cant even write sermons or read any more with all this stuff going on
thats why im always on computer becase onl y thing to do at the house, im tired of all the movies ive seen her so many times, i even took my meal to my room tonight cause i couldnt eat there with those attitudes, then they think im rough when they dont see how hurt I am, amd dpg is on my bed, i pushed him off literally, cause he wouldnt listen
i dont want him there, i dont even want the dog any more
cause grandpa loves him more than me even though they say they dont i see it, they think im still a child and cant do anything
just because of my disability
im just so sick and tired of all this
i DONT want to wait til saturday for the bank but i guess i have to in order to fix the account so i can checkthings out because i cant by myself it has to be grandpa and well he isnt doing well
and grandma is so stressed she isnt very nice
evbery time i bring that subject up about moving they get mad and ignore me completely and i just cannot deal with htat stuff any more
thats why i hang on to my moms love for so long before giving it to God and wanting his love because i anted someoneto hold me so much when this happened, i guess thats all for now

an hr late and grandma comes in to talk to me, me crying as usual, we talk then i tell how i always just wanted to be held
so then she told me tight where i cant breath and im stiff as can be and well she starts to cry and pray, and then well thats why i was gone for a while, anyways please pray that all this hurt deep down inside that the Lord would work on in us both
grandma and I both have times where we just explode of being just full of hurt and well its gotta go somewhere, ive been ok venting to the Lord Jesus
but sometimes it just hard to ocntrol even when i let the Holy SPirit have control, but yeah supposed to let hIm have control ever u day every moment
I told her i love her, i dont hate her, but its hard to notsay things without getting upset, which i told her some things like when i read a book or the bible i apply it to my life, i hear what the Lord says, but stil its hard, and yes i still have hurt deep hurt and anger from the past
and my emotions are off the charts
she said it was a mistake that she bought the computer, well it may have been
but there have been some good things about it too
maybe i wasnt ready but i was already in sin before they bought it, anyways enough said just keep praying for me and my family, grandma isnt happy with life either, as its just so depressing, and she doesnt get to do anything either, i am not blaming them its just so hard
Gods got to do a lot of work i n my life and i have to let him in, i guess being too sheltered isnt all that good but not being sheltered is worse, i am blessed to have wonderful grandparents but i tried to tell her that it wasnt my wanting to move but that i know God is in it, and told her i praeyd about this before i asked her totake me there and that then you did and i meant grandma did at least i know im moving, how long i dont know, so tomorrow we are planning to go to the bank,she didnt know it was for teh application, i think thats only thing. ok thats it for the time being
november 16,2010

[Mercy7]

ugghhhhhhhhhh today i tried to read but the minute i opened the book the dog went crazy barking and making me jump and barked at me cause he was mad,driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!
um my friend that i go out with sometimes is um well grandma wants totalk to her, she things my friend is influencing me or someone else is
i just connot wait umtil im able to finish the application and turn it in
driving me so crazy here
im trying to be loving and respect grandparents but its hard very hard
im sjust so tense and anxious and stiff
besides that not feelingwelleither
really not up to talking to anyone, about anything particular, just
want i dont know right now what i want

[Mercy7]

Wow been so long since i posted here. Had a lot of trouble with other chats being introuble n banned becouse ultimatley just wanted to reconcile from the past as i felt the Lord lead but the Lord decided to just end it altogether in His way even though I did get hurt very hurt and some people said nasty things to me, anyways also with the praying in prayer journal and reading bible through for the year im already in Isaiah whohooo, some days are better than others and well its hard not to go back and spill my every worry and problem to eeryone i know, couse they dont need to know, Jesus does, I try not to get edgy but eds up sometimes it happens and i feel like everytime i open my mouth im wrong in what i say and ive prayed to God and asked for wisdom and knowlege thatevery time i open my mouth it would be His words and not anything foolish but were alhuman and we make mistakes but sometimes people well they wrong us for telling the truth, guess its best not to dissociate with them. Mmmmm lately I have been so isolated n lonely in the houe all by myself not in a state to want to talk t anyone kinda depressive but trying to be cheerful but heartbroken and sometimes i reach my limits. Im trying to just read my bible now instead of dwelling on the problems and situations but it seems like im dreaming what will be one day and it never comes, so hard being stuck in room all day for weeks without getting out. didnt use to be like that and grandma comes home goes to bed almost and really tired doesnt want to talk, hard on her. ill try to add more when i t comes to me, Ive written a prayer a psalm but not sure we suppoed to wwrite psalms, anyways its just pouring my heart out to God. Ima do more studies here and do more for sunday school since we starting newone, read my bible more. feed my soul with the bread of life and the living water and satisfy my soul with Jesus, let Him have my heart, its so heavy and broken he needs to mend it, before it burst open with hurt, now sounds like poetry sorry. usually i pray writing it down in prayer journal it goes for pages n pages , I know he knows whati say before i een think it, and he wants us to come to him to talk, like we woould a person, i dont have a father but i have a Heaenlly Father whom i love verymuch and he wont get angry or upset or ignor e me or anything and if i do wrong he will still be there waiting for me with open arms and when i finally understand something he will say yayyyyy you got it and be joyful for me. and im rambling on. all these millions trillions of thoughts in my head at same time drivin gm e crazy sometimes. Cant wait til i go to bible school so i can do something and then finally get my violin i love playing it and play it for Jesus to praise Him i do better if i just just stare at the airand play instead of looking at notes becouse its coming from my heart not trying to perform.well said enought for now ill add on later goodnight.

[Mercy7]

Things are better-- was letting my emotions take control of me, but I have asked the Holy Spirit to control my emotions instead. Not so edgy now. Still learning to ask Jesus with these things instead of asking others although sometimes advice is needed, godly advice at that. not much to say right now but wanted to post something. I also took two names from the shut in homebound list at church tocontact and send cards too and visit so gonna make new friends. Still playingviolin. Guess thats it, blessings

[dema]

Praying for you - and peace in your home.

[Mercy7]

It;s been practically a week since i have chatted, been online waching some movies tho, anyways i wanted to share about meeting Don piper the author of 90 min in heaven. Monday grandma took me to the Christian bookstore and we got there and so don piper got there and he got to see the man who led him to Christ when he was 16 yrs old, he was telling about why he wrote the book so he wouldnt have to talk about it and different things n preached some, some things i really needed to hear btw. Then he had where you can ask questions, the church gave us a book to have him sign and we did too, I brough my camera to see if it would e ok to get a picture and we asekd him and he said yes so i went behind the table and got next to him put my arm around him and his on my back and we took the picture, came out real good. On my book he wrote see you at the gate and in the church one he wrote Jesus is the way and the name of the church.
That was a great birthday gift that didnt cost a thing:) Been very bored this week couse some of the time grandma been gone and other time just nothing to do. Grandma spend over 5 hrs at the denstist, i hate dentist too especially this one couse of the shots, i made them not give it to me tuesday couse of the pain, and she ended up scraping my gums by accident and made me bleed. couldnt eat that day then the next day grandma went in the whole entire day too, they were very rude and mad, grandma didnt like it either. Oh and now we gonna have a rental car becouse somethings wrong with our car and it cost a lot to have it worked on, plus the dentist and now we got roaches in my room 2 today i killed one and flushed it down the toilet, yuck!! Idont wanna dream about em, im still bored tho nothing on tv to watch i dont feel like reading, dont feel like chatting , just dont feel well, Ill see you al on monday bye

[Mercy7]

Been a while since I last journaled, didn;t want to journal because lifes just not worth living anymore, only a few things have changed but it's a start and I do need to remember that God does answer prayer, altho i truly don't see him answering them, I guess i should remember that song that says "when answers aren't enought there is Jesus, he is more than just an ansrwer to your prayer" anyways grandma got some info about a driving school its rehabilitation one , theywill pick me up and thendrop me off. And its a 10 hr class including the drivers test. And one on one driving i think. anyways Im excited about that. Oh today we went to the pet place with bizzy and let hhave un with the new doggies, one was ver y close to her and they both sat pn my lrap. one is 2 lbs and they found her on the street so they call him travis cause he traveled . He is sweet and likes to cuddle. haha grandma said im just like bizzy she asked if she was my biological child hahaha, cause i run and go away when grandma tries to hug n kiss me too, anyways, oh going to have a bible studybwith my brest friend, she's gonna pick me up and take me to the store, and eat lunch. Im playing my violin tomorrow in church, playing as the deer. been practicing a lot. wow been 103 deg again today, i burnt my legs getting in the car all leather seats, ouch, grandma put the little seat cover pillow there so it wouldnt hurt. i guess thats all for now.