Cuc's first journal ever

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hello all

Yes I am sad (seems like I stay that way anymore)
I do wish to clarify something my brother Vahn mentioned, I do not hold onto or wish for my ex, I only do as we all do and remember the last of which made me happy, you see I have been alone for 3 years so it is pretty easy to bring back memories of when she made me happy.....cause that WAS THE LAST TIME I WAS HAPPY.
I do not throw away life like some, and I have yet to find someone else to fill that void....and please before you decide to post back about God filling it please know I mean NO disrespect to our God I love Him, BUT He knew in the beginning of time He would not and could not fill that particular void for some, it is the reasons of having a mate in the beginning of time
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:17-19

It seems as if I am doomed to be alone though, heck I cannot even hold onto female friends
I just don't care for life anymore if I must spend it being alone and broken hearted, I don't do alone very well and never have, I have suffered this before and I fell so deeply into depression it took several years to crawl out and I really don't think I ever fully recovered from it

It just makes me feel like I am such a loser and that no woman wants me and I don't understand because I have ALWAYS tried to be what I thought a woman wants in a man, thinking of her and her feelings, curtious, loving, faithfull, honest and open.

I just wish it was one way or the other not this in between, if I am not going to be a blessing to a woman that has not known a man like me only abuse and belittlement or a woman who can appreciate I try my best for her love and besides God first and my children second there is NOTHING that would be more important than her.
Is it really have to be this hard!!
If this is not in His great plan for me I just wish I would take my last breath....cause I don't want to be here
I keep trying to pretend and pretend and pretend......I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of hurting........I'm just....tired

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Well I promised myself no rambling as I know some who know me here are also

But I am finding myself to be in such a mix of emotions right now, first I will be going to an appointment this Thursday that will for sure flood these emotions, it is to sign the divorce papers, yes it is something I need to be over with but it is not something I look forward to, I do not do well with things like this it will surely bring a flood of emotions to the surface
from anger to pain to sadness of my marriage failing and coming to the end it did BUT then there is the relief and happy feeling of being released from this dead ending in my life and the chance to start anew

Then I have what some warned me against, the dating site, yes she had moved on and found her new boyfriend and that really made me feel empty and lost
so I chose to go on a date site and for a while was very discouraged and felt it was not meant to be and was ready to give up.....then it happened I started talking to someone that was interested in me....and then another....and now I have two women that both seem sweet and looking for the same dream I am but yet I have to figure out if one or either are the one I have been asking God to send, this is not at all funny but when things like this happen I cannot help but remember someone making the comment of God having a sense of humor......really this is not funny.

I just wish I could get through Thursday......(which is ALSO my ex's birthday) that was kinda weird but then to make the right choice of what God wants and hopefully it be what I have desired all my life and never had....a best friend that is so much more

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Well I made it through Thursday....but not without
But it was more so for the beginning of the end of this failure, I knew I would not do well and to see her as she has done the entire time of our separation just twist that knife that much more.

I wish just once in my life I would feel I am in someones heart as much as I put them in mine
I'm just so tired of feeling like last years Christmas or birthday toy.....you know the one that is played with until it bores and then gets kicked off into the corner and forgotten

I just pray God has a new start for me and this time I won't be the only one in love