Cuc's first journal ever

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Well I have been here for almost a year so I thought it was about time I started a journal soooo here it is.
up till now I have just randomly posted where ever but that will be no more.
I will not lock mine for now because I want to hear anything that you may feel I need to hear
I will try to go back and remember the bads of this year and start with that not because I want to remember but so I can follow forward to where I am now and be thankful for ALL He has done for me
Also I want to say some might feel overwelmed by some of my post but one thing I'm hoping is you will see my honesty in what I have done and know I am TRULY sorry for what I had become, please feel free to pm me if you feel led to or the need to concerning any of my post

God bless all who read this and all who don't as well!
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Oh how it hurt to bring this back, the addiction I'm speaking of is porn

Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 3:24 pm Post subject: I FELL INTO SATANS TRAP

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I AM ALSO FIGHTING THIS ADDICTION AND IT MIGHT VERY WELL COST ME THE BEST THINGS IN MY LIFE, MY WIFE OF 13 YEARS AND 3 BEAUTIFUL KIDS, IT'S AS YOU ALL HAVE SAID YOU KEEP GOING AND GOING UNTIL YOU MAKE YOURSELF SICK TO THINK WHERE YOU ARE!!!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT THIS FAR STOP NOW!!!
DON'T RISK EVERYTHING AS I HAVE, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IF I LOSE MY FAMILY BUT I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE!!

SCRIPTURE:1 CORINTHIANS 10:13-- NO TEMPTATION HAS OVERTAKEN YOU THAT IS NOT COMMON TO MAN, BUT GOD IS FAITHFUL AND WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO BE TEMPTED BEYOND YOUR STRENGTH, BUT WITH THE TEMPTATION WILL ALLOW YOU A WAY OF ESCAPE SO THAT YOU MAY ENDURE IT!!!

I TOO AM FINDING HELP HERE AND I LOVE THIS SITE AND WILL CONTINUE TO USE IT LONG AFTER THIS BATTLE IS WON!!
PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND ALL WHO FIGHT THIS BATTLE
_________________
LET GO AND LET GOD!!

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:56 am Post subject:

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Hello again,
I just wanted to say it breaks my heart to hear of the ladies who have also fell into this trap, I honestly never thought about it being a problem for a woman, I don't think alot of women can understand it so it at the same time makes me feel like there's hope that understanding will come in my wife and she will see I'm NOT the sick monster she thinks I am
but a lost soul that allowed satan to take over...BUT that is history and I am living the future of purity from this very bad form of satan's grasp to destroy marrage and good people.
I have used the counseling pages on oasis and I'm in the process of reading a great book on this called "every mans battle" but please ladies don't misunderstand the title it's good reading for you also
I highly suggest anyone fighting this to read it and allow thier spouse to IF they are willing
_________________
LET GO AND LET GOD!!

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2010 12:33 pm Post subject:

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Hey guys,
I'm sorry to say I have fallen again and I knew I was going to but I couldn't find the strength to ask the Lord to help me fight the erge
the only good of it was I thought of the right person....I miss her so much! I was doing well before that but it makes it even harder when you've just split up with your better half because of the lonelyness
but I'm getting up and asking His forgiveness and dusting off my knees and start over again!!
Also I'm very afraid that my worst fear is coming true, I don't see her love for me anymore, it's like I'm just another person that she has to tolerate here and there, so it's like I said before IF you have not allowed it to go this far in your life STOP NOW BEFORE IT'S TO LATE!!!!
PLEASE don't risk destroying everything you love because of this sickness
get help and save your life as you know it
thanks for listening and your prayers as I will also continue to pray for all of you and this site
_________________

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 6:24 am Post subject: Homework

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Hey scrubbs,
I looked it over and I most feel like the woman bleeding,
this addiction and all it has caused is bleeding me dry and I am becoming very weak, I feel only the touch from God can renew my strength, but for some reason he is allowing me to "bleed" more.
as for the refilling my cup I have to admit that when things got worse I fell away from my studies and started thinking solely of the things that were about to happen instead of "filling my cup" this is going to be very hard for me to do because I'm scared to death of things to come and as I said before I don't feel the Lords touch and I feel like I'm being told "step out of the boat and walk on the water to me" now I know that alot of people claim thier faith but imagine being out on the deep ocean and a man tells you to "step out and walk on the water" you as a human in todays world would have some doupts.
I know I need to heed the words of Phillippians 4:8 but I just wish he would give me a touch to know He is still with me and give me strength by knowing it, I know it's all about having faith in Him but I need this very badly right now

[Christnundrconstruxn]

WOW this one was really hard to read again

Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 12:47 pm Post subject: the worst is here!!

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I have not been open about all things concerning my nightmare called life
but I have prayed for God to stop the punishment that I am going through but now I just found out that the worst is yet to come!!
I have tried to stay possitive and do whats right and ask DAILY for my forgiveness and His guidence only to have the worst case senerio happen
and now I don't know what I'm going to do, it's a good thing I'm not brave (or stupid) enough to end it because now I am about to loose any self respect or dignity that I have left, along with all other things of my life EVERYTHING!!! wasn't it enough that I lost my family and home
I don't know if I can take it, I'm not as strong as some of you and I can't keep pretending to be, I know my favorite scripture says "He will not tempt you beyond your strength" but I feel the limits have been reached
I'm so sorry that I done what I have but that doesn't change ANYTHING
and I just wish I could disappear so at least everyone else's pain and embarrassment caused by me would stop
I'm so sorry I couldn't live up to God's expectations or be the Christian that I thought I was, and I'm sorry for not being strong enough to resist the sick filth that satan planted in my mind.
I love you guys for being there for me and not judging me but I can't help but think if you knew everything at least some of you would not want to be there for me and that's why I couldn't be straight up
God bless ALL of you and I hope He gives you the ability to fight this better than I did
please forgive me and God help me

[Christnundrconstruxn]

posted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 11:32 am Post subject:

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I am so scared of where things are going and I don't know that I can handle it or not!
I never would have imagined it would come to this but it has.
I know it's said that He will anwser prayers in His time but if His time doesn't come soon I'm affraid of where things will end, it's as I said before, I had lost eveything that matters over this and now I'm about to loose everything else, so all I have left is my faith and satan is wearing that down also, I just need to know by the Lords touch that He IS still in control
I do love the lord and serving Him, but because of my current problems I wonder if I did enough to prove my love to Him or if this is a trial to test my endurence of my faith, if so I hope I make it because I don't want to loose all I have left... Him and my faith, Lizzie you are right I have opened myself up to the Lord in ways I never had before but I'm allowing the issues at hand detour me from that and I hate that because I was enjoying where I was with God and was going to higher levels than I'd ever been with him before, and I was slowly "pureifing" my life and was proud of who I wanted to become instead of ashamed of who I was.
Please keep praying for me because I need prayer more than ever right now, God bless and with love

[Christnundrconstruxn]

posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:53 am Post subject: Praise God!!

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I had to write and praise our God for bringing me through the worst.
I'm about to tell you guys something that I couldn't say before because of 2 reasons, 1st legalities and 2nd ashamed.
Porn addiction caused me to think of filth that I never would dream of myself doing without the sexual addiction it caused.
I almost acted on one of the thoughts but was stopped and I realized what I was doing but it was too late, now I know what was going through my mind was wrong and hurtful to someone I loved VERY much but as the saying goes "a day late and a dollar short" and no matter how bad I wished I could take it back I can't BUT I can do right from today forward and hope that the Lord restores my family and makes me the man He chose me to be instead of what the devil had turned me into!!
The Lord chose to stop any legal action towards me and give me the chance to prove myself and prove that I'm NOT that man and NEVER will be again.
so I guess what I'm mostly trying to say is God in his time put his hand on me and finally said ENOUGH!!
He has chosen to give me the opportunity to be what He wanted so now the ball is in my court and I'm going for the game shot!!
And I want to thank you all for your prayers and ask that you keep praying because it will be a long road and I'm going to need all the help I can get BUT KNOW THIS I'M NOT GOING BACK!!!!
I LOVE MY GOD AND MAY HE BLESS YOU ALL AS HE HAS ME.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Posted: Mon Mar 15, 2010 8:21 am Post subject:

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Good morning my C.O. family,
I just wanted to say I have been praying for my oasis family (all of you)
and I also wanted to say that God is continuing to open doors for me,
he has given me an opportunity to be out on my own instead of staying with family until this is healed and I HOPEFULLY move back in with my wife and kids if that is Gods plan.
I still am stumbling with the porn BUT when I do I think of the most beautiful woman in my life... my wife which is were my focus should have been from the start and none of this would have happened, so it's kinda strange I use to look at others and imagine, now I look at others but see my wife and yearn to be with her instead of fantasizing of these other women AND I LOVE IT!!!! "of course I wished I was really with her so I could show her how much I love her and miss her, before if I had said that it would have meant of the sexual nature but now it is totally different... I just wished I could hold her and show her that I was wrong for the way I used to look at things (don't get me wrong I still have those thoughts and feelings for her) but it's not the priority feelings that the porn used to make to be
CO wrote [Many choose to seek ways to CON-demn us for past choices]
that is what is happening with my wife and a few of our friends, it hurts but I have given that to God and ask that He allows them forgiveness in their hearts because I don't want them to be unforgiven because they hold on to the hatred, of course I want to be forgiven by them so we can get past this BUT the first is the main reason, I have asked God to see this happen even if I don't know it...ever
MLG wrote [you have found something more than anything and that is a True relationship with God.] you are right I have grown closer to God through all this and I plan to get even closer

[Christnundrconstruxn]

this one hurt too,

posted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 12:01 pm Post subject:

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Hello friends,
I have very sad news, she is calling it quits...13and a half years gone.
april will be a very bad month for me because that's when we married
and now it's going to be set in my mind that it's also when I had to come to grips with what has become of my life because of my actions.
I was SO SOO mad at the lord last night after I left from talking to her, I know it's all due to my actions but I was so upset that I was doing everything I could to prove myself and show remorse for my failing in my marriage, I really hoped for the better outcome but He apparently has other plans...and after I calmed down and asked for his forgiveness for the anger I told the Lord with tears in my eyes that I was ready to follow His lead of where He wanted to take me next but it still hurts like hell!!!
I thought I was past the forgiving myself part BUT that all flooded back last night and I'm back to hating myself for allowing this all to happen and destroy my marriage and all things connected, you see I came from a broken home and I swore my kids would NEVER have to go through that and I was always the one to swallow my pride (even when I thought I was right) because I was the glue in the marriage but I couldn't fix it this time.
I just hope the lord keeps me close and keeps opening the doors of life so I can continue to heal and someday be happy again.
He IS my rock!!
please pray for me to have her forgiveness because I don't want her to suffer any more for my actions and pray that she has peace in her mind at all times through our Lord because she deserves it she is a good Christian woman that didn't deserve what I done!

[Christnundrconstruxn]

posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 11:12 am Post subject:

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Hello my oasis family,
I have gotten my home ready to move into but I am so afraid of the loneliness that I fear will be there but I'm trying to get it ready so my kids can come over and spend some of their spring break with me, I just pray that this is what the Lord has for me, it feels right but I worry about finances, I just want to be independent again and have time for my kids, and myself to study his word and the other things I need to get my brain right, I have also started counseling but there again is the money issue so I hope the Lord has the plan that I see and even though I have lost the love of my life I still have not given up on her, but I fear she gave up on me a long time ago it just took this to allow her a way out, I really don't understand it because I'm not a bad husband (atleast I don't think I am) I always tried to do the things to show my love and commitment I tried to raise my kids with respect and I tried to do what was right in gods eyes (other than the porn) I quit drinking drugs and smoking and was going to church 3 times a week most weeks plus volunteering but somewhere I messed things up and lost her love and I feel I will never regain it.
please keep me in your prayers that I keep my strength and will to do His will and that finances allow me to be in this house and make it my home so my kids and I can have precious time together because I have come to realize that IS priceless!!

[Christnundrconstruxn]

posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 9:07 am Post subject:

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Hello oasis family,
I regret to say I might not be on here for a week due to not having my own computer and having to use a work computer,
Good news is the reason I won't be at work is I'm taking a much needed vacation and spending some of it with my twins in my new home, BUT there is still that fear of being alone but I WILL be keeping God close and thinking and praying about you all, there are a few of you that I will miss talking to dearly and you know who you are, you've made me realize that there IS such thing as unconditional love because you have shown it to me through this site and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I also want to give our Lord praise for the feelings of peace and being able to more accept where I am and where He is leading me, I just need to be more aggresive in the following and taking as much in as I can.
Thanks to the Lord and you guys too