Cuc's first journal ever

[xxJILLxx]

Hey Cuc,

First things first, Nothing is unforgiveable except the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. This is TRUTH #1.
Matthew 12:31. Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven men, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven.

32 And whoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him; but whoever shall speak against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, either in this age, or in the age to come.

Truth #2

Look at the motley crew in the Bible who have committed all sorts of sins, even murder... but God is a God of grace and with repentance and turning from the sin, God still loves them. Grace is beautiful thing. David is a prime example of that, yet he was the apple of God's eye. Imagine that! You see God is not like us humans, WE are the ones who condemn each other and yes even OURSELVES, and by who's standards????? OURS??? PALEASSSEEEEEEEEE, we got to get over ourselves, hu?

"...He kept him as the apple of His eye." (Deut. 32:10); David had a beautiful heart of repentance.

Truth #3

There ARE consequences to our actions, and yes we shame ourselves and let others shame us into our sufferings from our wrong doings, emotionally, mentally, and physically. We need to mourn and feel the need for repentance lest our souls become desensitized from the things and actions of the world. BUT God never , i repeat NEVER abandons us! He will help you go through it, if you let Him.

It is my opinion that you need not air out your "dirty laundry" publicly. There is no need to heighten your anxiety over this, and i and others here are only a pm away.

We are family cuc, we are here... it is your choice to stay or not.

One day at a time we will get through.

God bless brother
♥Jill

[lyl1114]

Hi cuc!

I am sorry that you are feeling the way you do. I am not one with eloquent words and nor wise enough to offer advice...but know that there is no sin greater than God's grace through Jesus Christ. We could beat ourselves up over what we did wrong, because it is inevitable we all fall, but I pray that you will be able to return to God and He can shower you with His grace and wash you clean again. Oh, what a feeling of His mercy will be for your soul!! CUC, you are a blessing to others, like myself. Praying that God will continue to hold onto your hand tightly and show you His love and mercy....

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I thank you all for your words and yes I trust in Him it is me I do not trust and He kows this I am scared to death right now
because satan is throwin every curve ball at me he can and I'm crying out to God please give me the strength to stand against it but it is getting too much and so many I care for has turned away I just don't feel it is worth the pain anymore
I am sitting here tonight and if it hadn't been for coming here I fear I would have lost it totally, I fear what is next.....drinking back to drugs or even back to the girl on the street and I want to go back to her but not for the reasons of sex but to apologize but I'm NOT strong enough so I can't even do that right.
and yes I am a little to open and honest but that is who I am and I pray soon He will bless me with a woman that appreciates that I am that way and not one to hide what I done or will ever do wrong

Jill with those you speak of they all had the sense and strength to turn themselves wholely over to Him and even as much as I love Him and believe in Him I don't know how to give myself over totally I honestly feel as if I cannot do it alone but I feel if I had the blessing of the one He ay send I could move mountains for Him.......YES I KNOW that IS the problem I need to trust in Him to trust myself....I just can't get it

I love you guys and I pray you never give up on me like I have as well as others, God knows my heart I just wish He would show me how to use it

God bless

[Christnundrconstruxn]

A thousand times I have failed but yet your mercy still remains...
Thank you Lord for having mercy on my unworthy soul.

Thank you all for being understanding as well as loving, I really have hit a low and do not know where I would be without the mercy of God and the love and understanding of you all.

I am praying really hard that He will show me and give me the strength to come through this, I have not felt this broken since the day my marriage fell apart

Which I also wish to mention she wants to finalize the divorce and this along with her now dating someone has stung me in all this as well, and before anyone misunderstands I very much wish for her to be happy but when you are the one who was against the divorce and the thought of seeing your (ex)spouse with someone else after 14 years it in itself is hard to swallow but with ALL this at once I will not lie and not say I have been almost suicidal.
I just need to trust in the Lord I know, but I just keep feeling that is what I have been doing and to screw it all up and throw it all away over this STUPID mistake and to loose those I care for.......it hurts like......

I love you all for standing with me in this low of life and those who I have hurt or lost from my decissions, I am heart broken and very sorry...I really am

If I could take it all back to have you back I would do it in a heartbeat because it was NO WHERE worth losing you....and you know who you are

I love you guys and yes please keep me in your prayers and thank you again for giving me the understanding I AM of this flesh.....sadly
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Well here I sit early waiting for time to go to work
I have been so stressed over all this I have not been able to sleep and last night was no different I struggled to get myself to the going to bed stage and then laid there crying for all that I have done and then woke up 2 hours early this morning but I felt a purpose this morning in being woke up 2 hours early ( I just pray He gives me the energy to make the day)
thats all I will say of that.
I see A LOT of change in my life right now and it scares the you know what outa me
but the worst is to not have those that care, or to loose the hope you will never heal or be happy again it is the most rotten feeling I wished God would never allow anyone to feel.
I mean even with what I have done and the fact I knew it was over 2 and a half years ago I have allowed satan to bring this all back saying ha ha she's going to be happy and YOUR misserable ha ha you have lost the one you hoped for and there is no chance of you being happy.
(Just now sitting here typing the song came on I think its called strong enough )
He has His way of getting our attention doesn't He (My God) "followed" that
I'm getting it Lord....my head getting sore from being knocked up side it but I'm getting it

I guess what I'm getting at ( OH MY GOSH!!!!) I AM redeemed followed that and it speaks of my failures and how God speaks to me of the battle already won.....I HAVE TO FIND THIS ONE!!!
WOW!!!
talk about getting ahold of you, I hope I can follow through with this little "shoulder shakin" He is giving me this morning
telling me STOP IT SON!! I will see you through just hang tough with me
it is true what they say, we are our own worst enemy and yes I have always been and this all just magnified it
I know it is wrong but all I could think of was all the mistakes and failures of my life and that there was not much good from it caused by me, even my kids which is the ONE thing I feel blessed to have been allowed to do somewhat right but so much of that I screwed up too, I let my health go, and lost 2 homes and my marriage, at a dead end job, broken relationships of family and friends due to one turning of the back and the other being to stubborn to do anything about it
It just snow balled all together and the list goes on and on.
and I allowed satan to throw this all in my face at the time he knew he could do the most damage and in some ways....he did, but as the song says "my God is NOT dead He's surely ALIVE!!!" (yes that played just now)
He is surely speaking to me this morning especially through the music but He is slowly pulling me up out of that miry clay (YOU LOVED ME ANYWAY) you can't convince me He ain't speaking through the music this morning
I pray this is me coming up out of this and SMACKING the devil right up side his head and telling him to get the hell outa my face!!! sorry but that is just how strong I feel about that thought right now....he is a mean nasty low life and he almost succeeded at destroying me and what God has done to heal me this far.
I mean no disrespect here but have you ever seen a drunk person try to walk....two steps forward three sideways and four back satan is that alcohol, he just caused me to stagger back and sideways BUT HEY "BONEHEAD" I DIDN'T GO DOWN!!!!!!
I will make a come back cause I know I have my God and you all here, I just hope oe day soon I can walk proudly as that up right Christian man that He will soon bless with happiness and an angel from heaven to spend my last years here with before going home to Him
(All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong) "take this world and give me Jesus" ........yes He's STILL talkin to me EVERY SONG!!! (Wait upon the Lord) should I say now for those who know the song....my FAVORITE verse...
Isaiah 40:31 which IS that song, I will TOTALLY lose it if amazing grace plays I'm serious!!
I swear by all my fiber of being I lost it just now, I know none of you will believe this, I don't beileve this....I swear by all I have ever done right and all my being it was the VERY next song.
You guys cannot imagine what I feel right now......I have to go, I love you guys
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

That's IT!!!
I'm back and I'm badder than you satan cause I got Jesus!!!
I failed myself and I have failed God and many others too BUT even when I had no faith in myself OR love for myself
He sat and pateintly waited for HIS TIMING......imagine that
and reminded me my faith and love for Him NEVER faltered....never!
and now I feel His rewarding in me started this morning......look out satan I'm comin after ya!!! and your hit cause my God is a whole mess more than you can handle!!! and THAT IS a PROMISE!!
I am sorry for my actions and I am sorry as well if I have offended or lost any love of my friends here but with NO offense intended.....what I felt this morning was a earth shaking of Him grabbing me and sayin ENOUGH GET UP!!!
I'm UP!!! and those of you who still trust in me thank you and I will PROUDLY stand beside you and fight satan TO THE DEATH!!!
Please keep me in your prayers to stand up and walk from this bad time in life and walk into the time in this life I become what HE INTENDED of me I need this more than you know.
So yes you WILL be seeing me and my postings again and I will continue to do as I am allowed to by God I just pray He knocks satan out cold and tells him to BACK OFF...he's mine now!!!
I love you guys
Cuc

[lyl1114]

your post just put a big smile on my face
so glad you are back!.
and HALLELUJAH!

have a victorious day, cuc!

[Dora]

God is good! Praising Him for this awesome news.

[vahn]

Hey brother

A bit of a confusing question I have .

What if , I was to say , "Well I drank , drugged and did all sorts of stuff LAST NIGHT ..... Now , do you have any issues you'd like to discuss with me , that I can be of help with ?"


In Christ , our Lord
vahn

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hey brother I don't know how but I missed this post somehow, I'm sorry

now

A bit of a confusing question I have

yes confusing it is
I'm not sure what you mean
and I know you better than that you are better at explaining things
Talk to me brother!
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hello all,
I see this time for change and the shaking God gave me saying QUIT YER WHINNIN and GET UP!!
I just fear the unknown and the thought of weakness and failure.....I KNOW I KNOW!!! satan!!
but when you have gotten so use to it it is hard not to do, just as the thoughts of loneliness, sexual tension and just being unhappy for too long.
I tried to post the video's of my morning the other day and I will soon figure it out and do it but I didn't do it right so I did get the blessings of sitting and listening to them again but not posting them
I am actually going to have a friend burn them into a cd for me so I can play them anytime I want and it will remind me of the shaking He gave me and give me the strength to fight off the bad.
I know I keep refuring back to things such as this but please know the reason is I relate to it because I once was there also
It is SO easy for that drug addict or alcoholic to just pick up another and forget what is hurting or what they wish to forget, why?? because it numbs the senses and causes them to live in thier own little world while high or drunk, I done this for years but by the grace and mercy of God he took these from me, everyone says oh that's great God is so good!
AND YES He IS but it is very hard even this many years later....do you have any idea how many times I have wanted to pick up another cigarette (been 5 and 1/2 years) or another joint (been 8-9 years) and the one that would cause me to pick it ALL back up Alcohol (10-12 years) what is my point....while yes the Lord delivered me from these evil tools of satan it is up to me to realise he will tempt me EVERY chance he gets for me to pick them back up....and he has BELIEVE ME!!
But I know in my heart it would destroy me for sure because I am so weak I would allow these things to swallow me up
And that is what keeps me from picking them back up is it scares the HECK out of me to think of where I will end up
and satan tries by saying oh it's ok just go have a drink....it'll be ok you need to get out.....yeah right....you ARE right I NEED to get out BUT NOT with YOU in MY back pocket!!
So for the first time in over 2 and a 1/2 years after I get off work I am going to shower and go some where and try to enjoy being back out there in life (go shoot some pool) who knows I may even crack a smile

I pray just as He released me from those vices He will also release me from the vice of sitting and feeling I don't deserve or need happiness, and that he will give me the strength to be a man that a good woman will soon wish to be with and allow me to lay down these last vices that satan has on me (so many years of it though)
BUT it IS time for change!

My biggest thought in all of this....yes while God WILL deliver us it is up to US to resist the temptations satan will continue for the rest of our lives to set in front of us.


Lord I ask you give me the power to stand in satans face today and everyday forward and say NO!!
just as you have with the others till now

May God bless you ALL and have a great day!!
Cuc

[Lani]

Woot What an awesome adventure (in hearing Him speak through music)

Glad to hear you are back on your feet brother and blessed to know Jesus is your strength.


It is an honor to fight the good fight with ya

Prayers remain always

Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani