Cuc's first journal ever

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Ok for those reading I need to say I didn't end up going out for fear of what I might get into
BUT I sat here in oasis for some of the night and that was forsure better than the bar shootin pool
Satan is doing what he does best he continues to try to pull me down and has once or twice (partly the reason for not going out) I felt no one wanted to be with me and I would not enjoy myself alone.
But God turned it around on him, I have had a few little things here and there but for the most part could be chalked up to just chance BUT I was going to witness of this at service on sunday night and lost my courage and as I stood outside in the foyer one of the ladies who took the stage started to sing the 3rd song on my list "Redeemed" all of the how many thousands of songs she could have picked but it was not her choice but His, He knew I would loose my courage and wanted to remind me "Hey I'm still here".
And today I was coming home and yes gettig into my sulking "I'll never be happy attitude and as I opened my page on another site I see this post that in this message like box says.....don't worry, I'm saving you for someone special...
Now I don't know if I am losing it or if God is really reaching out to me......I choose the second one!
I pray He NEVER stops this little hints and shakes, while yes it is freaky but knowing who and why it is SO awesome!!

I also have been waking up after short times of sleep and not gettig to sleep and at first I thought of being angry and upset because I need sleep.....I have not had the issues of short sleep (no more than normal) and I'm one that had to sleep long hours to stay rested, those days I spoke of earlier in 4 days I slept 16 hours which is what I would normaly sleep in 2.
and the same this morning I was a little later going to bed but yet I still woke almost 2 hours early, I am going to start getting up and sitting with Him when He wakes me like this, maybe that is what He is wanting.
I do spend a little time in prayer with Him every morning before work but maybe more

PLEASE I am in NO way pretending everything is great with my walk as a matter of fact my knees are AWFUL sore from crawlin, I am a broken man and I pray the Lord is ready to heal me and I ask please keep me in just such prayer
I'm tired of this life as it is but do not have the will power to change, BUT my God has ALL I need!
Thanks for readin and I love you guys
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Ok where to start......
I put a mesage on here in single mingle.....yes I know I'm not TRULY single, but is it so bad to want to feel this if not just for a minute.
Anyways, I posted of how I wanted to start acting like the single man I am instead of sitting here sulking about being alone or my failure of marriage and everything else.
One of our sisters here posted of how I needed to finalize my divorce, and she is so right but as I told her I had done everything to push it once it was brought up by my ex (only because she met someone and felt guilty)
ANYWAYS
I went on to say how I had even given her a site where she could go and file the paperwork and then pay court cost for a total cost of a LOT less than she would spend at the lawyer she went to, but as usual she was dragging her feet as she always does
I recieved a message from my ex about 5 hours later needing info so she could complete the questionare for the filing of the paper work......of all days and why today....cause He wanted to send me another reminder to say
HEY!!! I told you I'm here and I got this!!!
Ok Lord I will shut up and sit down now
I will not lie and say I do not have mixed feelings but this is something I need to as our sister said get it done and move on
and I feel God is giving me a new start....hopefully I don't screw this one up as bad as the last.
I have been this way for most of 48 years so no I'm not changing overnight BUT I AM CHANGING!!...by the grace of God.
I'm just sorry I hurt and lost those I have before this happened and yes there are ones that it hurtsme more than others to have lost but there is one who has stuck by me from beginning to end......thank you from the bottom of my heart
and to the others PLEASE forgive me.
God bless us one and all
Cuc

[popples]

I was lead here tonight, first of all cuc we all need forgivness your definitly not alone. God is holding your hand cuc he is walking you through this, how awsome is it.........God loves you. You are his child and he loves you so much, he is showing you his love. All that is going on in your life, God is so proud of you repeating time and time again coming to him, you fell we all fall, but you picked yourself up, God is proud of you. and hey you deserve to be as happy as anyone. You know it doesnt matter who we are or what we do GOD KNOWS OUR HEART.
Keep striving everyday.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

well here I sit, I was thinking of how when we are driving through the hills and we want to make a call or loose a call
how we twist and turn and all but stand on our heads to get the reception back......don't lie
I must have entered into the hills between me and the holy spirit, I know we will not feel the constant of His presence
I just hope I can reconnect cause it was such a powerful thing to feel, after my last message about the divorce papers
was it.....no more just silence, and to make matters worse cruddy's trying to creep his way back in in a couple ways
one of which I felt so powerful of only 2 days ago and now so weak and yes I am praying for the Holy spirit to keep this and any of satans other dirty tricks away.
I AM changing my life weather satan LIKES it or not!! I've lost all I'm gonna allow him to take, I lost much before coming here and I've lost more since being here......NO MORE!!!

I go to my page all the time and listen to my songs there, thanks to Phantom
these mean a lot to me and always will.......matter a fact I gotta go now

God bless and please keep me in your prayers
Cuc

[popples]

Am praying the spirit to be with you, that you may stay focused on what God wants for you, happiness and peace.

[Dora]

God loves you brother and so do I. Keep fighting the good fight.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Thank you both for your words
And pine you already know it but I love you too
God bless

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I am not going to go in to full detail but I have posted some pictures on my profile of something that was heartbreaking but by the grace and mercy of our awesome God He showed us No one is in control BUT Him
First I will start by saying on sept. 8 2008 a beautiful present came into this world on my birthday, her name was Kylee
she was the neice of my ex wife (wife at the time) and in mid 2010 her mother was pregnant again with kylee's soon to be little sister, on 1-27-11 a suv ran a red light and broadsided the car kylee and her pregnant mother were in, they hit on the side Kylee was sitting on (PLEASE TAKE THIS WARNING NOW, ALWAYS PUT THE CHILD IN THE MIDDLE WHEN POSSIBLE)
If you look in the photo album you'll see the car and how it is crushed by the back door little Kylee was sitting right there
The paramedics did thier jobs but had given up hope Kylee would even make it to the hospital
then after being stablized even the doctors were grim Kylee was in a coma for a while and the doctors was very sure she would never live a normal childhood if she made it at all but we all kept praying and knowing God was in control
Kylee's mommy had her sister and Kylee woke up stunning doctors at her abilities shortly after waking up and after a few months of theropy she was at almost 100% and now not only is she 100% you would never know she almost died that day.

Please never give up cause the doctors say theres no hope, they can say there is nothing THEY can do but they cannot say there is NO hope there is ALWAYS hope until God calls them home.
Please pray for our sister here that is in a very simular curcumstance.
she did not know but the curcumstances with her grandaughter brought this all back and that is my reason for sharing as well.
God bless
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hello all,

Well where do I start
there are only two here who already know some of this so I guess it is time to share with those who care to know
I am STILL in the "dead" zone as I like to refer to it, I'm no longer married (yes on paper) but have been separated for 3 years and now she has moved on to dating someone so I felt (please do not judge) whats good for the goose is good for the gander so I got on a dating site.....yeah that went well
So yes I fell in to that pity pile....you know the one that REALLY stinks and you just can't seem to climb out of it.
She's moved on seems happy, my kids have thier teen lives and forget dad unless they need something, I don't like my job anymore due to cut backs I am no more than a grunt that gets used to do all no one else wants to (after 8+ years)
I am so lonely I think stupid thoughts just to remove my thoughts of hurting, I do not nor have I EVER done being alone well, some can some can't......I can't!
I need someone to be there for and to be there for me, it just gives me that sense of purpose and of being needed and wanted.....valued.
and when that is not there it just destroys my confidence, I feel worthless and nothing more than a failure at everything
I know it is not right to depend on another this way, but at the same time it is my arguement to that is as God said in the beginning......it is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a helper, and this is what I desire more than life, a helper to go through life with, and someone who needs me as much as I need her, and yes I want one that God sends and I have prayed for her and tried to be patient but I have reached my breaking point and can no longer pretend everything is alright.
I have tried to act like I am doing great weather here or church or around family I smile and laugh like theres nothing wrong but then I go home and sit or lay in my bed at night and cry uncontrollably to God because of the hurt and loneliness, I do not want empty love or anything else for that matter....I just want......her, the one He has for me.

but then I get on this dating site only to be teased by scammers posing as beautiful women wanting to get to know me....yeah right!, I fell for it hook line and sinker the first time but quickly learned the signs so now I just play thier game back until they realize I know thier scammers......yes ain't it funny to play with someones heart that is almost suicidal because of loneliness......oh yes just hillarious!!
and as for real women.....only one and she almost scared me the first and only time we talked.....really!!
so yeah my ego boost is just THROUGH THE ROOF!!!
And I know what some will say, He will send her in His time and He knows best, well then He knows it IS time cause I can't take much more before I fall into that stupid pit of depression that takes years or meds to get out of, and I don't want either.

Is it so wrong for me to want to be with someone who I love and want to spend life with and vise versa.
It just irritates the heck outa me to think of those out there being abused because they think that is love or that is all they deserve when a man like me sits and almost wants to die because I don't have someone like her to spend life with and show love to.

SO there it is in a nut shell, my thoughts....
I am unsure of the response I'm going to get from this but one thing is for sure, as you all have figured out by now I'm honest and I tell whats in my heart.
God bless

[Mackenaw]

Hello Cuc (((hugs)))

God bless you this day.

I know you are in pain and also confused. (((hugs))). Cuc, The Lord can still use you, while you are waiting for that someone special. There are so many people here that are hurting and lonely too, I just wish you all would reach out to one another and share an Hello and give an ear, and add them to your prayer list.

Just think about it, if all the lonely members on this site would gather together, for even an 1/2 hour each evening in Chat, each of you would be less lonely, and you would feel better about life for having reached out to another hurting soul. There is no need for you to lie in bed crying night after night, alone. Satan wants to keep you isolated. God does not. So, why not come in here where there are people that love and care about you, and who also love The Lord?

Cuc, you remain in my prayers to The Lord in the name of Jesus. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you, Cuc.
Love,
Mack

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hello Mack and everyone else,

Mack I am sorry for the late reply I just needed to tell you I appreciate your words and know it is meant well but I have done as you are saying for the last 2 years
I have came here trying to reach out and show love to others hurting and yes it does help but I just cannot keep "pretending" I am ok or that I am dealing with this better than I am.
You spoke of satan wanting isolation but God does not.....sadly satan has won
I have lost those who cared about me and I cared about, I have forced others away
and don't even get me started on the dating thing I am about to delete my accounts and just forget it
I even had a long talk with my ex last night at church, I told her of all this and how I wished I hadn't screwed up our marriage, of course she went into the song and dance of how I need to move on and find someone and be happy.....yeah ok it's JUST that easy

I guess I'm just meant to be what I feared most, one of those crabby lonely old men that does nothing but sit at home and grump about how bad life is and wait to yell at the next person to get off my grass

I just always felt there would be a time a woman would come along and see the love I'm dying to share and know she could by loving me in return make me happier than I've ever been (long term)
We all have those little "highs" in love just as I did for a short period of my marriage, is it so wrong to want that long term no matter what love, that is my problem I ALWAYS give this kinda love and have never gotten it in return
the kind when your away from that special one and all you want to do is think about them and get back to them so you can show that love, PLEASE do not mistake it for being clingy or needy that's NOT what I'm talking about.
I just mean that love you want to make sure they always know is there, they will never doubt where your heart is
It is as I said before it just angers me to think of the many good hearted women being treated like crap in a relationship because of reasons most don't understand while a man that would love and treat them as they should be sits alone yerning to be with someone who appreciates a man who would love her as he should.

I have always managed to screw up everything I touch in some way or another so I don't know why I would think love and friendships would be any different.
If it comes by chance that the ones here I have hurt or driven away sees this please know I am sorry and I do care very much for the friendships we had.
I will continue to read post and try to be a positive to those who need, but as I told those I spoke about I'm not going to lie or pretend everythings ok anymore

I'm sorry
Cuc

[vahn]

Brother Cuc

I am going to attempt sharing a bit of my experience in the hopes that you would see a bit of similarities in the "struggles" you've been experiencing .

"Why" , you may ask , "It took you so long to share this , and , why now , why are you sharing it now "

Well , how about if I were to start off with re-ordering the sequence of those questions (though it is me who's doing the actual asking ...for a good reason) .

When sponsoring fellow sufferers , I make it a point to be VERY careful not to do the "walking" FOR them . (we cannot teach a child how to walk by showing them how WE walk ... we need to show them how we LEARNT to walk ... they HAVE to get off their butts THEMSELVES , and put one foot in FRONT of the other ) .... then I recieve my joy of them taking their first steps , and FALL , (Note: FALL) , and here's where the REAL JOY comes into the picture , THEIR TELLING THEMSELVES (with our encouragements) , "HEY , i HAVE PICKED MY BUTT OFF THE GROUND BEFORE , I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS , AND IT FELT GOOD TO WALK ON TWO INSTEAD OF ALL FOUR , AND I CAN DO IT AGAIN" .
So , I hope that covers the "Why now" part .... see brother , I've been watching you to be rewarded with the joy of seeing you victor over this . But , brother , sadly ... That moment had not arrived yet .

The way I walk(-ed) , may kill the one I'm trying to reach -- to show how to take 2 foot strides to a child with 8-10 inch legs ... well ...

Losing my twin to Christian "persecution" (so is the common conception -- [Christians are NOT persecuted ANY LONGER] ) -- , but regardless , losing him , I spent the good part of the next decade or so trying to , (cant find the right word) , REPLACE him , through avenging , playing cameleon , rage , anger , lowering my morals , siding with anyone that filled the gap , so on and so forth .... bottom line was that , I wanted my brother back ! , and I would go to ANY length to accomplish that ... Would you like to know why ? .... I was GUILTY !!! ... I felt like my brother's blood was on my hands ( and they literally WERE !) ... See , it was ME , who , knowing we are in "rival" territory , and started to sing Christian songs , just for the sake of daring them .... so , as our big brother would say ... DO THE MATH !

Here's the thing , although I was befriending , doing all I could to be the "nice" guy , I was , in reality , seeking my "side-kick" . I was expecting EVERYONE to be or act like my brother .... in other words ... I was seeking the IMPOSSIBLE (To me) . And furthermore , and in addition to , I was seeking all that by trying to rectify my own actions that started the ball rolling to begin with ... MAKING the CONSEQUENCES BETTER , will NOT restore ANYTHING ! , so , seeking friendships through rectification of past actions spells "selfish gains" .... in order for me to "get" a brother , I have to be a brother first ! .... I Love my Lord , because He Loved me FIRST .

FFWD .... Upon losing my daughter , which by the way , was when I found out what I had done with the issue of brother (learning not to do the same ) ... I am , today , enjoying the real meaning of "Fatherhood" to three , most amazing and beautiful children that make my life feel complete .

Brother , ... listen to me , if you will .... LET GO OF YOUR EX !!! Put your pride in your back pocket , and go through the steps once again ..... only this time , do it For YOUR healing . AND , chuck the idea of wanting things the way YOU want them . It appers to me , you want to do God's will ... but you want to do God's will YOR way .... It ain't happening bro ! Give it up .


Luv ya
In Christ , our Lord
Your brother
vahn