New heart, fresh start

[goldieluvs]

Gotta admit, i haven't started CCCC again. Lots of changes. Thought Annie was getting better, but idk.... no money for vet this time, so she is in God's Hands at this point.

Lots of changes with work, people always leaving or getting fired. Owner docking people's pay (says it is a motivator) ... i am like yeah Big Motivator to start looking for a job. I am very tired, laid outta work yesterday, sick.... behind on paperwork, perpetual issue with me.

Some changes at home, for the better i think. Am beginning to see what i want my life to look like in six months.... am trying harder to talk to God and He blesses me so much. To Really know that God loves me, despite myself. Mindblowing.

Some personal changes as well.

Catching bits and pieces of Japan. Wow, i cannot seem to fathom the depthness or feelings of it all. Yet, I know God is God and He is in Control. He is better driver than i am

And Oasis is going to create a sister site in effort to reach more and more..

Worries abound.... despite that God brings peace and for this moment at least. I am at peace



Jesus is coming to take His People Home....... awwwwwwwwww I can only imagine what His Home will look like.

[Dora]

Thinking of you. Hope and pray you are well and annie too.

[goldieluvs]

Work is… well……… it helps keep a roof over my head and am thankful I have a job. There are many out there who do not and search desperately for gainful employment.

Shoulder has been giving me a fit…. Finally am doing something about it. I have a permanent partial disability in my left shoulder, workers comp related, one surgery about 15 yrs ago… on anti inflammatory since that time… and being told a second more invasive surgery might have to occur. It has hurt constantly since then, but was NOT ready for a second surgery at all… still not… BUT the meds r no longer working….I called my family doctor to see if he would call me anything in until I can get back into orthopaedist, (waiting to hear back) It will be a process to get authorization to see orthopaedist…. time consuming in and of itself, the surgeon I saw is no longer there, the clinic merged with another and they want 1000.00 up front even though work comp related and I was to have free lifetime medical coverage for my shoulder…. SO…. I call the state, no answer left message…. Call the attorney who handled the case originally… they destroyed my records last year (thank God I kept a copy!) So, I go the 14th to see atty about an hour from where I live. But it is necessary, unless I am able to get someone from the state to call me back (NOT holding my breath on that one!) Then I gotta factor in work into all of this if I have to have another surgery as I would be out of work for awhile. I dunno if I can pay from state if that happens or if they will just cover medical expenses. But then I am reminded….. one step at a time… hmmmm recovery related…. Amazing how so many things can tie into that.

Annie has apt at vet on 16th. A different vet. Am hoping to obtain some solutions this time…..

Home life……….. well………. Not going there,,,, will just say that there are blessings and then things that well, seem like curses…..

Ya know in an average day, I wonder how many times I leave God out of the loop. As if I can do better…. Amazing how utterly stupid I can be. Sitting here, thinking about the life I have led in general and coming to some realizations…. I can sit here and define myself by my addiction(s), choices etc OR I can choose another path. One less taken….

Title new heart fresh start…… realizing many many things…… all I can say is someone must be praying hard for me Stuff is starting to sink in. Putting them into practice well, not quite there yet, but working on it.


Awwww pine i wrote this before coming in to see if i had had any responses... ty my sister and luv ya much

[goldieluvs]

I saw God today. …. The most precious little baby boy I think I have ever seen…. So happy….. a miracle baby.

I wanna tell yall about one thing that happened at work today.

It was one of the saddest stories I have ever heard…. wont go into all the details, but this precious little baby has extremely rare disease. One that is so rare that the life expectancy is no older than 11.

He is two and has had multiple heart related issues and had a very risky operation and while he lived thru the operation, he was blind…. They said he would never walk or talk…. This lil fella regardless of the obstacles was so happy and so full of love… ya know I would just look at him once in awhile while talking with mom and it was like he was surrounded in love and sending out love and joy….. I played with him some and knew that right at my hands was an angel and that God was really in the room.

When I first met him I did not know he was blind I just said hi ________ and he reached for me and just cuddled in. He is small for his age, more like about the size of a one year old… so very fragile and so very trusting and so full of love and joy….

I was blessed to have met such a precious little soul and I knew in my heart, no matter what that God had him and He surrounded him in love… and i saw it radiated in this precious little boy.....

Count your blessings

[goldieluvs]

Sometimes life just really isn't fair.... two lil kids whose dad is in prison doing life without parole, lost their mother in a car wreck the other day... they had been living with grandparents cuz the mother, well.... she wasn't able to take proper care of them for various reasons... how much sadness should two lil kids have to take? As to whether mom was saved idk. I just think it is really sad. In talking with others, the general consensus is that these kids don't stand much of chance...idk.

Got a lawnmower today thanks to my parents.... Lawnmower really cool, I think the neighbors were as happy as i was... thought i was gonna have to bring in a bush hog to cut the grass.( kinda wishing that i had moved out into middle of nowhere where i didnt have to deal with nosy neighbors) ....five hours later hail came down the size of softballs in some areas. Multiple cars damaged, almost everyone in my family had broken windshields, dents and even holes made in their vehicles. (ok admitedly i haven't checked on the lawnmower, had plans to set up ramps or boards or something to get the lawnmower in the shed, but didnt happen today) A few days earlier, i think it was a tornado had come through... over 200,000 were without power. Huge trees were up from their roots, lots of damage. Prior to that all the disasters in Japan. Makes ya wonder. Told my mom the wrath of God was coming down.

Country is in like what third war in past few years or is it four??? Can't keep up anymore. Other day someone i made a CD for asked me what the meaning was behind the If we are the body song by Casting Crowns.....

Work, well lots of sadness there too. lots of changes. Annie can barely get up and walk. Have an apt at vet for day after payday. I am hoping there is enuf money to be able to take her. Have to cancel apt with attorney about my shoulder cuz of gas and money issues... I know God sees me through, but Lord how mercy sometimes i just get plain wore down.

Ok too much sadness so am calling it a nite. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start. Sure hope its better than the past few days have been..............

[goldieluvs]

Ok. Today lawnmower no seeable damage (yay for that). Building is damaged. Dunno about roof or gutters yet, am getting a contractor out to look and see cuz well i just dont know how to tell... fcontacted homeowner's already though cuz of the building. Wonder if they will cancel my policy.... need to look for it, but no energy to try at the moment.

Went to the lil family gathering for the lil kids i wrote about yesterday.... a memorial service will be held later, i think this was just a family thing for the kids to know that people care. So, i go (tho i am not exactly family but sorta am) even though i barely knew the mom and had only seen the kids a handful of times and it was a small gathering of just a few family members and the kids write notes to their mom on helium filled balloons so she can get them in heaven. Lil boy was so sad.

Tomorrow go back to work.... yard looks much better mowed Now to just deal with the aftermath of the storms. Seems this has been considered a catastrophic event as far as insurance companies go as they are sending in CAT Teams into the area for appraisals on damages.

still boiling water cuz the community well has yet to be deemed safe to drink.... ok well maybe tomorrow will be better. I wish i could say i felt at peace today, but mostly i feel despair...... think i will go lie down.

[goldieluvs]

Annie went to new vet today. I finally got her thryoid medicine, she has to eat special food cuz she is like 80lb and should weigh half that. Said there was still a possibility that she has cancer. For now, am just gonna keep her on special diet and thyroid med and hope that helps.

Been doing some thinking and im seeing where i gots all sorts of issues related to boundaries. Problems as a result of my failing to use good healthy boundaries. Well, spring is renewal. So im renewing... working on some stuff and working thru some stuff,

I have a countdown date of end of June and i will be room mate less. regardless of where he is at in his life. I am done at the end of June. Well, truth be told i am done now. Anytime i say something about him getting a job, needing to get ready to be out whatever, i am met with verbals threats, inuendos and other crap that i could sure do without.

So, just hanging on til then, Seeing atty on Monday about my shoulder, guy coming to put tarp on building roof and clean out gutters. Behind on paperwork at work. Home environment most unpleasant.

Decided i wanna plant me a couple mater plants

[Lani]

Goldie!

I was thinkin bout ya just this morning! Haven't seen ya for a few....Missed ya!

Prayers remain with ya sis. I truly hope this time of renewal brings healing and insight through Christ.

Need help plantin the maters? Lemme Know!!

Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani

[goldieluvs]

ty lani

Things have been hectic lately to put it mildly. Day after i took Annie to vet, she fell and she can hardly walk, then she got sick on top of that so i got special canned food cuz she went three days without eating at all and some more medicine. I think her tummy probs r maybe ok she still has to take medicine. So, she still can't walk with her hind legs good at all, maybe able to take a few steps and even then its crooked. He said he thought she messed up some tendon (kinda like ACL on people). He said he could do some testing which he felt sure would find something and then surgery would be a couple thousand dollars at least.Haven't had the test for cancer yet. Not my primary focus cuz i couldn't afford chemo anyways. He talked about time for me to start thinking about possibility of euthanasia. I don't have the heart to put her down, not yet. Am just not ready. Yes she has to be carried outside and am using a blanket but may have to buy a stretcher as she is supposed to be kept confined for six weeks. Yet as i sit and type this she came into the computer room and i didn't even hear her. She is on some kind of supplement for joint stuff which brings total meds to about four. He said it was possible she could heal but then have arthritis and eventually wear down to where bone would rub up against bone or something to that effect.... well im sitting here thinking she prolly already does have arthritis but she isnt saying its time.

They say you know when its time to put an animal down. Well, the vet said when dog is suffering and when dog is more of a burden on owners and well i cant remember the third one (prolly something to do with money)... but i am just amazed. Yes, she requires extra work and attention and it is not easy to get an 80lb dog outside that can't walk. But, in NO way is she such a burden that i would consider putting her down for that. I will consider it when she is to point that she is miserable and no hope of getting better. Until then whatever it takes, it takes..... So, she goes back to the vet in about three more weeks and will see then.

So, i leave the vet crying and get her home and insurance adjuster knocks on door a little while later and she is up trying to walk to the door and barking like to protect me... I had room mate hold her and she sat back down... doesn't sound like a dog that is ready to be put down to me. Ok.... on to house damage... well building definately needs a whole new roof. Bathroom needs new whatever they put up on the ceiling and resprayed or texturized or whatever they call it... House roof has minimal hail damage. He took a couple pics and told me to have a couple estimates done and that whoever does it would have to put that it is due to hail damage, and then to submit it and i guess eventually a new roof somehow or other. This is all new and foreign to me. And for some reason the same type shingles that are on the building now and the architectural shingles on the house those have to be the same, dont make much sense but im sitting here thinking i would have the same ones on the house anyways cuz they are supposed to be better and last longer anyways.

Work has been tremendously busy. Not very happy there, but am thankful i have a job. Im thinking maybe its time to look for a new one. Seems like every staff meeting there are insinuations about people getting fired for this or that and lots of thinly veiled threats. Perhaps that is just my perception. But all in all, i am tired. I am depressed.

Ok so its Easter. Jesus died and rose again, to give me a chance to be with Him forever in heaven.. thats totally awesome and gives me some peace cuz im sitting here thinking i am going through hell on earth and am just so very tired. IDk i think right now i am just sick at heart. So, ima praying and trying to keep praising. (idk y the praising part seems harder these days).... ok well Happy Easter everyone and wishing everyone a blessed weekend

[lizzie]

Happy easter sweet goldie

I also was given the option of putting our dog to sleep. I just could not do it. He had to be carried around and fed with a dropper and all those things which as you said, may seem a burden to others but is a labor of love to those who truly adore their pets and consider them family. Mine, like yours, displayed an amazing will to live even when the vets said different. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Goldie, God will lead your heart as to what and when is best for your Annie. Praying for you sis.

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwwwww lizzie i just luv u

Haven't come in in awhile, idk few days, week??? maybe more......

Annie is doing some better. She goes back to vet in a week. Am pretty sure she has lost some weight which is a good thing. Her hair is starting to come back from where i shaved her a couple three months ago, wasn't sure it was gonna come back. I been praying for her Home life has been extremely trying. Am recognizing i may have to end up having someone hospitalized, they need it and i can't take it anymore. Am hangin in for now and will start looking at the process sometime next week.

Got wrote up at work. Certainly has caused me to rethink things. I was amazed at how angry i was. Am still not exactly happy about the whole thing but regardless it has helped draw me into a new direction that i have half considered in the past. Am going to begin studying for the GRE and God willing, get Master's Degree and Licensure. Am looking at going to an expansion site from my old school so that's kinda cool (assuming i do good on GRE and can get student loans and class schedule will be flexible, am hoping weekends only and some online stuff.) Will open up a lot more options employment wise.

Going to mom's to celebrate Mother's Day, Need to go into work but am posed to be at mom's around 11 to help open the pool. It's nice and sunshiny. It's so awesome how much beauty and blessings God has given all of us if we but take the time to look.

[goldieluvs]

Ok quick update.. Annie went to vet today. She is doing a little better she is sorta able to walk and put some weight on the hind leg that is hurt. She has lost 9 lbs She needs to lose about thirty more. There is this new laser therapy that is fixing to come out that he wants to try on her. Am trying to come up with the money, maybe see if i can defer a car payment or something. Her hair is starting to grow back in places, i wasn't sure it would. Vet said was good sign. He's a good vet, he comes in and talks to Annie and pets her. She isn't even muzzled. He was like i really like her. She's not eating much, her back leg is pretty messed up and eventually will be bone against bone where ligaments or something are posed to be but she is 10 yrs old so maybe i have five more years with her God willing. Haven't done cancer test. She had thyroid level drawn more thyroid pills and some anti inflammatories. She still takes those supplements for her leg and is on special food to try to help her lose weight but hey 9lbs in a month sounds pretty good to me!

Work has been a nightmare. I mean i love what i do, but the place i work at, well i mean i like the owner but he has very high expectations of people and so many people have quit. I have 45 people on caseload and there are supposed to be three of us to do what all is supposed to be done. Looks like it is just me again. i think he thought( or expected me to) come in this weekend and work but dang, i am tired and had other things to do. Not gonna worry. will deal with whatever i gotta deal with on Monday.

I can either wallow and worry or i can let go. Letting go actually is a better way cuz i ain't got control over it anyways. Ok well, for tonight i am at peace. Tomorrow will bring enough worries, so tonight i am just gonna relax.