New heart, fresh start

[goldieluvs]

New title seems fitting. Cuz, well, am working on a new heart. Old journal is gone, deleted by my awesome brother phan just cuz i asked. I so love people here. I mean not just because of the delete, but because of people who are working for God, helping others, reaching out and sharing hurts to bring to light so that healing can begin.

Been doing some thinking about reap what u sow. Well, i kinda think that is where i am at. Some here know one of my dogs Annie is sick. I got her well cuz she reminded me so much of Goldie and i needed to atone. Yeah i know God forgave me long ago... but part of atonement for me was to take in another animal and do for that one what i failed to do for Goldie.

Well, this is third time for Annie on antibiotics since Christmas.
If it doesn't work they are talking all sorts of tests to see if it is something that can be fixed. Finances are an issue, so i went looking online to see if i could get some financial aid for her tests. Dunno the outcome of those efforts yet, but it is in God's hands. While i would like to say that i feel no guilt over this.... it would be a lie... so.... all i can do is pray that even for a dog that God will provide a way. Idk if it is within God's will which creates even more confusion and worry, but if i keep on i would be frozen and not able to move in one direction or another. If i can't get her help, i cannot let her suffer. So, if this continues....... again i have let a creature entrusted to me for caring for down. I dunno wat to do with that. So, am just praying...........

Ok today i get this call from a lady saying she needed help that she and her two daughters were going to homeless shelter. So, i call and she was like well i need a truck Ok this is not moving into a home or anything...

so long story short.... get her over to homeless shelter and her middle daughter is in back seat and she says she doesn't want to go there. And you can tell there is much sadness as i think she sees way more than anyone on the outside looking in can spot or that mom will admit to. Now we are in the car waiting on the mom to come out so as to begin hauling their belongings into the homeless shelter and a christian CD is playing and the middle daughter is singing along to Awesome God and later Word of God speak and a heavy weight enters my heart. This girl who has no say and did no wrong is going into a homeless shelter because of circumstances beyond her control. I look up on the visor and there was this lil card that i have kept there for idk a year or so that my mom had given me that talks about God being there for you and angels surrounding you (yeah ok i admit i dont remember the exact wording but it was called An Irish blessing). I do know that everytime i looked up i was reminded to yepppp LOOK UP! to God that is. So, the daughter now has it and i pray it will do for her what it did for me. (ok not the card itself) but just the remembering to look up part and knowing that God loves her.

So while today is somewhat of a sad day... its a fresh start, a chance to start over and rely on God

[sarrah bailey]

well said was so taken. So proud of you to act to do to care in despair. Hope you figure out how to forgive yourself cuz God already did.

[Dora]

Sometimes in the hurt is growth. Which makes it all worth it. Saying a prayer for you and this family. Gods good and perfect will be done.

He loves ya and so do I!!!

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwwwwwww man photobucket got rid of my peace eye .......... no fair.......... i looked long and hard for that sucker. doggone it.

[Dora]

I'll help you find it sis. Was this it?



love you!

[Dora]

Wow that was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally Big!!!

[deetu]

Love you goldie

[goldieluvs]

awwwwwwwwww pine that is it!!! awwwwww it's awesome you found it and looked for it.. How do i get it back............ thanks so much for looking... and ty deetu for the hugs sis

luv yall

[Dora]

I saved it to my photobucket and will pm you the link.

It shouldn't disappear on you anymore.

Check you PMs sis.

[goldieluvs]

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy pine gave me my eyepeace back

ty sis.....

tired, feel yucky, family up from Fla work is work. doggie still on meds. Still..........

God IS Good

[goldieluvs]

Been a couple weeks since i last posted. Been coming in, though not as much as i used to. Title of my journal was cuz i need a new heart, one filled with Him. What i see is that i need to ALLOW Him to change my heart. So many other things i allow to get in the way.

Been following posts of a member here, though i don't think i have responded to them due to lack of words to say, i have seen much pain and yet growth in the Lord. Awesome to see. Proof that God CAN and WILL if we but allow Him.

Work takes a huge toll on me physically and emotionally though i love what i do. So, i find myself coming here less because of sheer exhaustion and having no words. Yet. I am to work for God... and still i am in shadows. I grew SO much here from the love other members showed me and acceptance and encouragement, sometimes i think that is no longer there because i am not helping here .

So, something to work on. God is Good ALWAYS. God loves me no matter how much i mess up.... that is so totally mind blowing. yet it's True.

Read some in Bible, try to every evening, don't always succeed. Ok, God waits and am thankful He is patient and full of mercy.

Waiting on payday to take Annie to vet again. Bless her heart. She loves unconditionally, in spite of pain and trusting in me to help her. It's a constant reminder of how i need to walk with God, always trusting in Him to help. On the flip side its also a constant reminder of how often i fail.

Read a post about perfection and wow many convictions of perfection i experienced as a result. But also in that (though it wasn't last nite when i read it, it came this morning) Enemy trying to keep me wallowing in guilt over so many things. Yet the past is indeed past and i need to leave it with God and stop picking it up. It should NOT prevent me from reaching out here. Need to just DO instead of picking that guilt back up.

Tho i slept last might, i am still exhausted. Working six days a week is hard on a body. Tho the Bible does say to give a day to rest (it didn't say two days). So i sit here trying to force myself to get dressed and go into the office just to catch up on paperwork. Job is hard cuz people constantly leave or get fired or whatever, due in part to owner high and sometimes unrealistic expectations. Yet, i am thankful because so many are without jobs and while i may not be a very good steward walk wise, money wise ( ok ima stop before list gets too long ) I have a roof over my head and most of the time food and gas for work. Am always going into the hole. yet it is just money and here is where i need to trust in God with yet another thing.

So, more work on having a new heart. Refreshed and strong in God. Used to have that, so i KNOW it is possible again. Ok, back to bed... too tired. will deal with stuff later and do what i gotta do. For now......... time for more sleep.

[goldieluvs]

Been reading the Bible just a couple pages every nite. Am just now in Deuteronomy. I never really equated OT before, seeing it as past stuff and Jesus coming and fixing it to give us a way. Well, am learning lots of mistakes in OT and the sacrifices as a result. God's anger burning cuz people not trusting Him. So, they wander in a wilderness for 40 yrs, sometimes trusting, sometimes not.

At the first of each book there is a lil paraphrase of well sorta like insights into the book. It said Deuteronomy is a book about rebuilding, about how we are to look back at our mistakes, yet to not stay there but to also see God and trust in Him. To rebuild.

I look back over my life and so many times i have wandered through that wildnerness (not physical desert, more like desert of the soul)... yet there is so much more. The potential, to learn to always trust in Him, to lean on Him and not give in to things that i know are wrong. Which leaves me wondering why i continue to do things when i am in right frame of mind i do not wish to do.

It's a day by day thing, one that i have to be vigilant about always seeking Him and leaning on Him; or the enemy comes in hard and fast and before i know it i am doing things that i really do not want to do (or perhaps more aptly stated, things i regret afterwards) Yet after a day or so of regret (gotta watch that cuz it can swallow ya up too if ya let it) Which now leads me to wondering why i do some of the things i do.

Learning to have a new heart takes practice i think. I mean i know God gives it right away, a heart to seek Him. So, He is first ingredient. Yet there are other ingredients. Like always trusting in Him. I look back and see how much time i wasted, focusing on my pain, regrets, stupid mistakes or ways of living and i wonder why. Why do i keep looking back instead of moving forward? Yet also with each new day comes a new opportunity..... so today is a new opportunity, an opportunity to let others see Him in me, an opportunity to lay down all that baggage (it really does weigh a person down emotionally) a chance so start over. Knowing i am not perfect, yet in that knowing still taking that next step. A chance of seeing the past (yep it is PAST, over done with swept away) and not lingering there, instead moving forward.

Am really kinda tired of the "me" thing. Certainly not where my focus should remain, not to say not to look at it and learn, but more to not let it consume me.. its a process. Rebuilding does take time, i mean look at a house, you cannot rebuild a house in a day, so while i don't expect a new heart right away i am to work on it everyday. If i lie there and do nothing, what has changed? If i lie there stuck in the past, what has changed?

Ok so i got a couple ingredients to new heart. hmmmm maybe its time to do CCCC yet again....... first time i did it, wow was so ON FIRE......