New heart, fresh start

[goldieluvs]

Most of the family has returned home, only a few left here. 4th of July, when US celebrates their freedom. Reminds me of freedom that is found through the cross. Jesus gave it ALL just so we could have the chance to be with Him forever to give us freedom.......... freedom from all the chains that bind us so tightly.

Sometimes i wonder why there is so much pain in this world and i long for the day when there will be no more tears or pain, only joy. Then i wonder how some people, well for lack of a better phrase walk so closely with God that earthly circumstances have such little effect; they are able to keep their Peace of mind and heart in Jesus. Don't get me wrong, i receive much of that WHEN i remember to give it to Him and leave it with Him.

Just a lil sad today. Funeral is tomorrow. Won't know reasons behind cousin's death perhaps for several months. Texted work cuz i am supposed to go back to work tomorrow yet i am going to have to leave at noon. I was already going to have to leave early because for second time i have to have another insurance adjuster come out to re examine damage to my home from the hail storms. Yet several people on same street have already received new roofs, i think its up to eight or nine now which is about half or three quarters of houses on this street.
So, then i find out when the funeral is. So, i text cuz work well.... people either quit or are fired and i was already having to leave a lil early and was gonna show up early and work through lunch and am now having to leave at lunch. Now, i don't know reasons behind people getting fired, but there is such turmoil there. A person got fired Thursday and another one on Friday.It is a place that sets you up to fail. And keeping in mind that probably twenty five to thirty people work there... i can't even count the number who have come and gone.I have worried and worrried and worried and it has gotten me nowhere. I think i am to the point i no longer care. I mean i will still do my job to best of my ability; I am just so tired of all the bull that goes along with working at this place, that i think i am at peace with whatever happens. I have sorta looked for other jobs but thing is so many changes in the field here that very little is out there and most are wanting licensed people (which i am not) Ohhh sorry i lost track of where i meant to go with this the text i receive back is condolences along with a "don't worry about the time you will be missing we will figure out a way for you to make it up"..... ok in my mind i am like cuz i have vacation time built up. I dunno, just i think i am sick and tired of it all.....

I am SO dreading going back to work tomorrow. Sometimes i just wanna lie down and let the world go on without me for awhile. BUT i am certainly very thankful that wasn't the choice that Jesus made. So i think there must be some kind of lesson in this for me i just can't see it at the moment.

[goldieluvs]

Well, i made it to visitation but wasn't able to stay for the funeral. Still pretty sad. He died exactly ten months to the day after his wife passed. Regardless of what they determine cause of death was i think it boils down to dying from a broken heart. He was younger than me and leaves their son ( a young adult like maybe 21) parentless. We all have a time to go, i know that, just seems sad to lose so much when youre so young. I left work to go and of course my GPS didn't work (think the charger is broken), so i had to mapquest and flew trying to get there only to leave early so insurance adjuster could come to my house only to be told basically that there isn't enough damage but the dude wants to meet with a contractor to review the roof to see if he missed something. Just my insurance company way of trying not to have to pay. I just don't have much fight left in me these days. (this was after one adjuster and two contractors had already come out). I think i am to the point if they dont approve to fix the stuff then i will have to take time to find another insurance company and roll it into my house loan somehow or other.

I spoke to my executive director today and told her that lots of people felt their jobs weren't all that secure. I tried to explain it wasn't person specific (as far as the recent firees) but that in the year that i have been all the people who have quit and all the people who have gotten fired which puts lots of doubts in people's minds. She attempted to reassure me that people are given a fair chance and when things are wrong are given ample opportunity to fix it before being terminated. IDK what i think or believe at this point, but no energy to try to put too much into it at this point. I have a new person on team who is really nice and works hard but requires alot of reassurance and training which impacts time i have available to do the things that i am supposed to do. IDK am just really tired at this point in time. Would say i would take a vacation if i hadn't just gotten off one

I got a harness type thingy to help Annie get in and out of the house which has made things easier. I still worry about her alot. She is doing ok i guess. IDK. She is eating and overall seems happy ( i think she is still losing weight, i wanna take her to vet just to get weighed to see for sure) i just switched her to a less expensive dog food cuz i cant keep paying 100-150 each month to try to take care of all of her needs (God forgive me)... I HATE that i have to depend on money. It is a necessary evil in this world and i wish things were simpler. She still has a hard time getting up and still walks funny. I guess she will walk funny the rest of her life, but as long as she is not in intolerable pain i am ok with that. She is such a blessing and brings me such joy. (ok except during storms and fireworks cuz she freaks and barks so much that i end up putting in earplugs)

All this worldly stuff going on and somewhere i have left God out. Well i guess i left Him out at the beginning and never cried out to Him asking for help. Either way, tomorrow is a new day. I sure hope its better than it has been. For now i think i am just too tired to try to deal with anyone or anything else today.

[goldieluvs]

Today is a new day, another chance Thank God for that! Day to day demands have left me with little energy and ability to think so i do mindless things. Sometimes i think its just to escape even if for awhile. However, I am realizing i have been escaping in ways that may not necessarily be harmful (like staring at tv) but certainly not things where i can get refreshed. Like turning to God and spending time with Him and in fellowship. I don't want to bemoan my fate or the life i have as i am grateful for what i have, i just never realized it would be so hard. But, then i am reminded of how Jesus would go away from everyone to pray and spend time with his Father and then come back down with resolve to continue on with His destiny. And there is no comparison.

Sometimes coming here i see such pain yet such hope and resolve and it is good that people are not giving up but are continuing to work through those deep hurts.

As for me.... well i am not who i wanna be. Boundaries are needed. Funny how i know what i need to work on, yet am almost paralyzed with putting those into effect and keeping them.

Got some physical stuff going on with feet and one leg and then my shoulder and i hurt every day. But then i am reminded i am not 16 anymore and the body wears down. In September my insurance will have been in effect for one year at which time if this is continuing i will go talk with my doc. After a year there is no pre existing condition clause . The emotional stuff i got going on, well, i know it is high time i began actively working on that again.

Today is a pretty day. I have many things that turn my focus elsewhere. I have two biggies. One i KNOW what i need to do, yet haven't done so. The other, well.... i just dunno. I know many people will think how silly it is to worry about an animal, yet i am wondering if Annie is in too much pain and if it is time. In my heart i do not want to let her go, and sometimes she is just smiling and happy, yet i know there are times when she is hurting more than usual. And i sit and pet her and feel a hole in my heart.

[goldieluvs]

Ok i lost it at work today. Actually it started yesterday afternoon with an email to all staff. I didn't respond yesterday because i was like ok i need to calm down about this because in effect it made me look bad to the whole staff. So, this morning i come in and there is a message from executive director, tho nicely phrased just added a lil fuel to the fire. SO i send an email back (not to the whole agency, only to a select few who needed to be aware) and just laid things out. THe words i shared were true but then i called executive director and let them know i was disspleased as it should not have gone out to all staff because it made me and my new supervisor look bad when all the facts weren't presented. I also told her if my work wasn't good enough to just go ahead and fire me that i had had enough. Well, i wasn't fired, wasn't written up at least not yet AND she did agree to talk with the person who sent out the all agency email and even said she was proud of me and apologized for her response though i wasn't mad about hers and i told her that. Time will tell if she really means it or not. Kinda hard to trust people around there.... so then i tell my new supervisor what all had occured and she was a lil shocked saying wow im glad you stood up for us; i never could have been that confrontational.

Well, i reckon i wasn't very Christian in my demeanor and while i did not downgrade anyone or say any hurtful or hateful things to or about anyone it still was not the best way i could've handled it. But on standing up for myself !

Oh well, live and learn....

[goldieluvs]

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

[xxJILLxx]

goldie, love you sis.

[goldieluvs]

ty jilly

I have begun looking for another job. It seems all that is out there is working with kids, which kinda scares me cuz its been many years and it took a huge toll on me in the past. While i am thankful i have a job now, i am tired of many aspects of where i currently work. I am by far not perfect but i am very tired of having to lie all the time ( i do work hard tho i don't always put forth 100%) to meet their expectations. The worst part is that they know everyone lies and it is accepted. IDK where this is gonna go. Life has been really unmanageable in lots of ways for me lately. I know lots was cuz of my own choices and well ya reap wat ya sow; so it is what it is. In meantime, am trying to hang in and do best i can. I find myself really angry at my current employer for various reasons, and I don't like who i am anymore. At any rate, not wanting to whine about it, so am just making calls and cranking out resumes. God's Will Be Done.

[goldieluvs]

Ok ok... more honesty...... For quite some time now, there is like this huge black cloud over my head. I remember when i felt like His light shone through me. I was at peace and felt His prescence so strongly. I know i wandered away. I have tried to get that back, through prayer and listening to worship music and well some very limited reading of His Word. And where am I??? Still in darkness. There was a time when i felt His light shining so brightly and now it is like a smoldering wick of a candle. I am not trying to whine. I am looking for answers. I desperately want that back. Is it that my heart has grown so cold? I mean i KNOW He is with me He has made that promise; yet i feel nothing. I feel empty and broken. I want a heart for Him back. I want His Peace and His light inside again. I dunno how to get that back. I see others here who fight valiantly so many battles and yet ALWAYS rely on Him and while they struggle, they still have a certain amount of peace that shines. I don't wanna fake it. I want to FEEL Him back with me. I want the Peace that He brought before. Just..... dunno how to get it back. Right now, am just at a loss....

[Mackenaw]

Hello Goldie

God bless you this day.

Awwwwwwwww Goldie, He is right there, it is simply a matter of the other things shoving themselves in between you and God -- to the point that you've lost spiritual sight of Him, or can't hear or "feel" Him because of the others things that are distracting you with their "look at me, look at me" chants. You know, all those other things...a.k.a. worrisome things: job, dog, roommate, family, money -- not to mention all those other things -- the shiny things or flying chicken things -- that vie for our attention.

And while we are discussing the realities of what sometimes happens to Christians, let's not forget to mention, when we've been away from our brothers' and sisters' company...the enemy turns up the heat when we try to reunite with them, and he does everything he can to convince us that we no longer fit in...that our place/seat was given to another. NOT SO, Goldie. It's just another one of his illusions, a trick of the eye.

Goldie, you are one of the family here. Your seat will never be given away. You fit in. You are loved!!!

There are a few things I do when I "feel" separated from Him or His children. First of all, I need to get my carnal self to hush, by getting it in a better mood -- a more receptive mood. I do so with really good music, from my past. You know, the kind of music that makes you want to dance. For me it could be listening to some song by Bob Seger -- maybe "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJNgEZyEeh8 See, for me, it's a matter of getting myself into a less agitated state first, then....while my carnal side is more relaxed, I can then be more receptive to The Lord and His Truth/Word. It's called bringing myself into submission.

Some may think it odd, but, Hey, it works for me. Music is very spiritual and, for me, just the ticket to help to get me there.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, speaking of "get me there" ...here's another song by The Staple Singers "I'll Take You There" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPJ-KnveLh8

Wooooooooohooooooo!!!

Then, through prayer and a willing heart, He'll take me there in His Word.

I'm sending up prayers to our Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you, Goldie.
Love,
Mack

[goldieluvs]

ty mack there is much wisdom in ur words... awesome music . Life does have a way of crowding in for sure. It appears that i am going to be even busier. Got another verbal warning at work, but whatever! I have decided that i am going to do the best i can and not worry about the rest. Whatever happens, happens. In meantime, I cranked up my efforts to find another job. I have even applied for jobs that require working with kids, which i had said i would NEVER go back to. Desperate times i guess call for desperate measures as i am not happy where i am at now. I don't believe it is me however, I think the current company i work for is not realistic in their expectations and really do not know exactly what job entails and am pretty much expected to lie about stuff so they can make money. The worst part is that they know u gotta lie and although they want "plausible deniability" they pretend to not know, even though i have point blank told them. So all i can say is God's Will Be Done. I felt for many years that the field i currently work in is where my heart is and that i was to work in the field i am currently in with adults and there is much that i love about it. But, perhaps i am meant to go back to working with kids, or traveling to go to work in another county even though it is not something i look forward to. But..... it is what it is and i gotta trust God to see me thru.

I know i have been away from here and am not here no where near as often as i used to. Part of it was when i was here alot, my job suffered and i stayed too far behind, and then got laid off I reckon i need to find a happy medium ( though there are other reasons too). And I now work for a company that is well for lack of better words, unethical and unreasonable. Today is filled with household stuff and some work. Though i usually do not work weekends and i don't believe i should have to give 60 hrs a week to a 40hr week (pay is same); however reality creeps in and i know i gotta do what i gotta do to keep roof over my head, food on the table, etc. Maybe i can get back in for a lil while later this evening. Thank you again for your sharing.

It IS nice to know i'm loved and i fit in. Thank u my sister

[goldieluvs]

K i mostly slept and did nothing of what i had planned. This evening i have experienced a very heavy and broken heart and while i won't go into the reasons why as the ones who need to know do or will shortly, i went searching as i relate to music to help put to words what i am unable to speak, and while there were many, i finally decided on this one:


There is a time and season for everything. Some things stay, some go, sometimes with reasons unknown; but am giving God my broken heart.

[xxJILLxx]

Beautiful song sis. Am praying for you dear sister . Im sorry of all the things you are experiencing right now i hope things clear up soon so that you may find peace in this job or the next one He leads you to.

God bless you and keep you
♥Jill