Carrie's Struggle

[kandisews]

Today I struggle with the battle of am I walking outside of Faith and Trust with God.

For many years I have had medical problems. Not over serious ones but ones that have caused me to learn to endure even when I do not feel well. I am 57 going on 58 in August. I was blessed to give birth to 4 babies. Even when I had a hip injury back in 1982. I slipped on carpeted steps and hit the right side of my hip. I suffered a miscarriage, I had no idea I was pregnant at the time. Even though I lost a baby, God blessed me with 3 more babies after that. (I did have a second miscarriage after baby number 2). I have gone through chiropractors and physical therapy over the years. And much prayer for healing. I can still walk Praise God. I can dance...most of the time. I do have trouble sleeping, I have to keep stretching and remembering to do the physical therapy stretches. (I have to be willing to take care of what I KNOW I need to be doing....sigh...I am not doing a very good job)

I was healed of hearing loss in my left ear from many years of ear infections, this past early December. God is gracious and hears our prayers.

What I struggle with is, I know the word of God. I know the scriptures for healing. God always wants us healed. Jesus went about healing all who were sick and he HEALED them all who were in faith. Today I found out I qualify for free healthcare. I have been looking for work for over a year. I have had to move so many times because of going through a divorce Oct. 2009. Lost my home, the full time management job and my marriage all in that same month. Even though we go through trials and tribulations. God is my strength and provider. I have had to move 6 times in 4 years. I will be moving again before August. Family and friends have been gracious enough to host me, though the stays are temporary because of everyone else relocating and I could only stay a short time. I have been thankful to those who have helped me.

Before I lost my health insurance back in 2007 (ex husband changed jobs and so it caused me to not have insurance, the job I had at the time, insurance was too costly and I didn't have the money for it at the time) I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I was working with doctors in helping me get sleep and breathe at night. Since I lost my insurance I was not able to continue my care. I kept praying that God would protect and keep me. And he has. I am still here.

Over last year I broke my right foot. I had no idea I did at the time. I was walking fast at Walmart and suddenly my right foot was in horrible pain and I couldn't hardly walk. My foot became swollen and I tried to wrap it when I got home. I just tried staying off my foot as much as I could and didn't get it looked at. Every time I would walk on my foot, even just in the apartment where I was living, my foot would swell up and hurt. One of my toes turned sideways and it doesn't look very nice. I didn't have the money to get it looked at so I just kept praying and suffered with a swollen foot. At the same time when I was healed of my hearing this past Dec. I was asking God for healing of my foot so it would not hurt when I walked. I believe it was partly healed. My toe is still crooked but I am not in pain when I walk, like I was. Thank you Father.

So what is my problem? God has helped me over time, healed me at different times (have had other miracle healings before,and prayed for others to get healed and they were) I know Gods word. Seen his power move in my life. Have seen his strength.

I need to stay peaceful and patient. His grace is sufficient enough for me. What I struggle with is needing healing from the sleep apnea, my hip, I developed a hernia and struggle with memory. Probably from the not getting sleep.

What God has dealt with me in the past has been, I was too religious. I was quoting words from others, quoting scripture as a good Christian girl but my mind, heart and what I believed to be truth was elsewhere. God help me! I had thought I was doing, saying the right things. God showed me where I was "trained" to say responses, but my belief was not in it. We are to confess truth. We are to keep meditating on the Word of God which is our truth.

Father, help me with understanding where my belief is wrong, and what holds me back from believing. Father help me to look at myself in love and not looking at myself as a failure. Help me to focus on YOU not on what I can do to make things happen. You love me just the way I am. With crooked toes, hair that needs cutting, with a no car, no home to call mine....even your son Jesus said he had no place to rest his head. I may not have always enjoyed the Abraham journey I have been on for the past 4 years. It has been hard but I have learned that as I humble myself and seek your face. You will guide me, show me and help me through all things. Thank you for hearing my prayer. I can be imperfect because you designed me to be just the way I am. I am beautifully and wonderfully made in your image. It is not wrong to get medical help. You are the ultimate healer. Sometimes we do need doctors for help. You put knowledge into them to help us. Thank you for being there. Its going to be alright. Amen.


Carrie, who will be dancing again soon

[dema]

God bless you. Hon, you were trained in saying all the right things. And part of that training is that God always miraculously heals.

I have been miraculously healed, but I do not believe God always miraculously heals. We learn in the hard times. It seems that you have had more than your share of hard times. Sometimes we get all focused on one thing and feel like we are missing it until we get that one thing. Relax. God loves you. Let him tell you where he wants you to work. Or if he wants you to learn to not be working at believing all the time. God works in peace. Sometimes the lesson is to use an infirmity to force us to slow down and rest in him. Or life's situations.

Sometimes sleep apnea is caused by being overweight. Having a bum foot makes it hard to exercise to lose that weight. So does having a bum hip. If God wants you to exercise and get healthy, he'll make a way. But you'll need to listen and be receptive. Perhaps God wants you to listen in an area where you aren't really willing?

Sounds like God is very present in your life. He still speaks in a still small voice.

What kind of dancing do you do? I ballroom dance. I'm also about your age.

Hugs.