everyday struggles to understand

[laredoworster85]

Ok well first let me start by telling you a little about my past when I was a kid my parents spent most of my life gone my dad was a truck driver and would always take my mom with him witch we never really minded to much that my dad was gone he was just so abusive physically and mentally it was I learned to cook clean and take care of my brothers and sisters at a very young age occasionally my mom would leave him and we would go to my grandmas house but never for longer then a couple days then dad would try to leave mom and take us kids that never last longer then a couple hours and it always happed in the middle of the night we would be sent to bed frequently without eating because someone made him mad he would be use from the moment he got home til the moment he fell asleep he would chain us to the bed so we couldn't go far and make us run like that for hours one time I stood on the wall for two or three days straight I even was sick and throwing up so they gave me a pan to hold so I could throw up in it when I was 3 mom thought me how to make coffee for my dad and his lunches and he would wake me up at 3am to start his truck and make his lunches and coffee he would call us girls to his mean wail my older brother was molesting me every chance he got from the time I can remember tell he moved out I found out when I was older some of my other brothers had done the same thing to my older sisters and my younger sisters as wail anyways I had a miscarriage at the age of 15 I moved out of my parents house when I was 17 into one of my brothers house because my mom decided she wanted to stay home and play mom to my younger brothers and sisters and they would keep getting in trouble because they would still come to me if they had a problem and I just couldn't be there reason for being in trouble anymore so I left I got pregnant not long after I moved out had my son and when he was 4 months old I married his dad who was emotionally and mentally abusive we had our second son just before I turned 20 and he died of SIDS when he was 30 days old then had my daughter a year in a half after that at that time there dad had left us and moved in with some girl in another state ok a lot more happen but I won't go into all that right now anyways I went to lots of therapist who say I'm bi polar one even said I was bi polar with border line split personality and I just think there wrong I think I can bet my random days of depression without medicine every day I haven't taken any meds in a few years because I hate that they make me feel like a zombie anyways I try so hard to get close to God I know he's the only one that can help me but I keep feeling like I hit a brick wall I know I have to past everything in my past and let him handle it I just don't know how to let go of everything and trust him I mean I do trust him I've seen what he can do he saved my daughter when she drowned and cast demons out of my brother but those are stories for about time anyways even after seeing him do so much and bring me so far and knowing I haven't done such a great job handling things on my own I still seem to be having problems giving him complete control over my life so I need help and lots of prayers

[dema]

Social workers recognize now that plain old stress will cause the same symptoms as mental diseases or just hyperactivity. And when people need medications, the medications tend to help. But when a person is agitated from stress and is given medicine for hyperactivity - then he gets worse. So, I think you might be right.

You haven't been properly nurtured by an adult. And you haven't had a childhood.

When you ask for help in a church or anywhere really, and they don't know what to say, they tend to say something dumb. A friend of mine calls it Jesus Juice. Just take the Jesus Juice and you will be all better. "I'll pray for you" (That is actually quite helpful as a start.) "Oh, honey, confess the word of God." (Please do confess the word of God.) But you have had serious and ongoing interruption to your emotional development. You have been emotionally injured.

When you are injured as a child, that little girl stays inside of you - not grown up. And when stuff happens that reminds her of what was unfair as a child - she pipes up with embarrassing emotional outbursts. You can cram her down and lock her up for a while, but when she does escape, and she will, it is that much worse.

(This is just a start.)

When she starts to pipe up - don't cram her down and lock her up. Listen to her. State what she feels.

"Here it is again. I am being blamed for something that is not my fault. And they want me to pick up the mess."

Look at the situation. Can you change it now? Can you work towards changing it later?

Talk to yourself an that little girl nice. And pray for you and her to God. Yes, she is a lot like another little person inside of you. She is rather like a broken leg. Ever had a broken bone and felt like it was another part and maybe not really part of you at all?

Play.

If she wanted dolls and never got them - buy yourself a doll. If she wanted a music box. Look at Goodwill or on ebay and find yourself a nice music box. Zoo? Museum? Merry Go Round?

Read children's books. The good ones. The Little Princess. (Or you could watch the Disney Movie) Tarzan, Anne of Green Gables. Read 10 pages and if you don't like it try a different one. Books are different than a movie. You can carry them around and read a few pages here and there. There is a magic to it.

There's a lot more to this. You lost 10 or more years of your childhood. Not gonna fix it in a day.

[laredoworster85]

Thank you so much for the prays and the advice its just nice to know that there's people out there that don't think I'm completely crazy even when it feels like I am so thank you so much