why is it hard?

by **Lionhearted** » Sat Apr 10, 2010 10:31 am

in your opinion, why do think marriage is one of the hardest relationships to make work? you'd think with 2 believers getting married, and both having the Holy Spirit ... we would have a better chance of making a go of it. just wanted to know your thoughts.

*Lion*

by **mcpeak** » Tue Apr 13, 2010 7:46 am

There are several things that seem to cause issues, in my marriage any way. A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting he to stay exactly the same, and she changes. For us I believe one of the biggest mistakes is that we didn't in the beginning put God up top. We both considered ourselves Christians but we really weren't to a big degree. We believed in God but did not follow Him and His commandments and also did not allow Him into our hearts and world. It was like many folks, I think more so with men, with a mentality..I'm the man! I can handle this! God is only called upon as a last resort when things go terribly wrong. NOT!!!! That caused the foundation of our marriage to be built on shaky ground or to be more exact, quicksand. It will be 9 yrs this June and only in the past yr or so have we finally gotten closer to God and allowed Him in our hearts, mind and world. That catch up game is a booger. We asked and we feel He has forgiven us but it's not easy building a new relationship on a solid foundation when you've lived in quicksand for so long. There is so many things, issues that go deeper than we are able to even realize that are causing us problems and for those we can only pray and ask God to help us and to repair them, if it is His will. I know I probably shouldn't but I can't help but wonder since we started this relationship without caring about Gods' feelings or will if it is really meant for us to be together as husband and wife. Some say yes because God brought us together but if we didn't acknowledge, ask, pray or even consider anything what-so-ever about God when we first met and started dating how can a person be sure that God really did mean for us to be married???? That has been a big issue/question for me for some time now especially since we are now so different and so detached. Marriage is a very serious thing to us both so since it is done I figure we do the very best we can to stay together but it has been the hardest thing I've ever done the last 2-3 yrs to not leave because what we had at first is long gone and maybe wasn't even real to start with. We're trying very hard now to both do things that will rebuild and hopefully bring us together with God as our main focus. It is very hard and I pray for strength every day but feel that I cannot live this way for the rest of my life. We have no kids together so if we have done all we can possibly do and have prayed very very hard for God to help us and then given it another year or so and nothing has changed for the better do you take that as God more or less saying it is not His will for us to remain husband and wife? At what point would you draw the line? It is the saddest thing to both of us and hurts so bad.

by **momof3** » Tue Apr 13, 2010 11:47 am

my thoughts on this are...........

even though you are both Christians...you are still both human, born selfish, with sinful natures. Each has their own desires and wills. Each has their own needs. Each has their own flesh they have to die to daily. One of the greatest miracles is for God to put these 2 sinful natures together and make them one.

Theres a chapter in the Love Dare book that talks about rooms in our hearts. One holds the memories of the reasons we fell in love with our spouse to begin with. On its walls are the things we love(d) about them. Their beautiful smiles, the loving heart, their eyes that saw only you, all the qualities we fell in love with....there are many qualities painted on these walls in this room.

in another room in our hearts are all the things we have found in our spouse that we arent so fond of. The imperfections..the unanswered expectations..or expectations not met..things we want to change within them...the list goes on.

Both rooms are there...but which room do we spend the most time in when reflecting on our spouse? Which one has the walls with the blood of Jesus and His love, making us one flesh covering every space within it and which one should be? Which one should be covered with forgiveness and then walked out of...placing everything on the walls of that room in the Lord's hands? And...by whos standards are we comparing our expectations to?

True love serves the other..without expectation of anything in return from the person. Love hopes all things in the Lord, endures, believes the best.

Tough tough to do. But, God can bring 2 together, in His infinate wisdom, knowing that He will heal that marriage in the latter years. It takes work, though..and commitment to not leave...a decision to continue to love even when the feeling of love may not be as strong as it was in the beginning. Im not talking about relationships where one is being abuse by the other..that was never God's intention.

mcpeak, bro, continue to seek His will...surrender yours to His. He will make it plain to you. Praying for you, your wife and your marriage. God's will be done in it and in your lives.

God bless yous..

love you all tons.

in Jesus,
love momo *Halo*

by **Lionhearted** » Tue Apr 13, 2010 12:18 pm

hey peak and momo *Wave*

Nicely put momo; the making them one

by **Mackenaw** » Tue Apr 13, 2010 1:48 pm

Hello Lionhearted and Everyone

Lionhearted asked:

in your opinion, why do think marriage is one of the hardest relationships to make work? you'd think with 2 believers getting married, and both having the Holy Spirit

For those of us that got married because we loved one another and had visions of this person as our mate for life, it's foundation was one of love and hope -- even if God was Not the foundation. God is love, but we all know that there are lots of different kinds of love; however, I think all love is a form of God love -- even if we don't acknowledge or recognize it. God is the Fullness of Love. We humans usually only operate in tiny little fragments of it.

And as is the case with love, so is the case with hope. We move in hope, initially, but sadly, as life throws lots of things at us, our hope wains because our dreams (the vision of our hope) seem to get further and further away, until we forget what they were in the first place.

Love is very emotional, yet emotions can turn on us because we don't understand them -- ours or anyone elses. The world teaches us selfishness and to desire things and then we want proof of other's love in the form of goods. It becomes a product, and one we want to be able to see and touch to save and hoard -- to later spend, as opposed to extend. It becomes a bartering commodity.

Then along comes some "eye candy" which is meant to tempt, and some we smile about, others we laugh about, but then there are others we might spend too much time thinking about or...

If we are lucky, we'll be thrown a huge and gripping tribulation that knocks us on our behinds -- one that has us both crawl to one another for comfort. And if we are luckier still, we'll remember those first days together.

Lionhearted asked:

in your opinion, why do think marriage is one of the hardest relationships to make work? you'd think with 2 believers getting married, and both having the Holy Spirit

To answer your question, Lionhearted, I think it is because we forget, and just as we want our own down days to pass quickly, we feel it even more when our spouse is having those down days, and if we are not careful, we'll resent the spouse for it.

When God puts us together we can become one flesh. It's not automatic though, because we still have choice. Even if both are Born Again and have the indwelling of The Holy Spirit, we can still manage to mess it up and take the selfish path by the choices we make. But, if we remind our self and our spouse (and vice versus) that He loved each of us first, and we were drawn to one another and that we had dreams and love and hope and we recommit, He will guide us and reunite us.

Oh, I hear music: Peaches and Herb singing "Reunited"
"Reunited and it feels so good..."

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Mack

by **Mackenaw** » Tue Apr 13, 2010 2:10 pm

Oh, and one more thing rofl

You thought I was done, huh? ...WRONG!!! LOL

Music plays such an important part of our lives. My hubby and I both love music, and since we've known one another since we were 12 years old -- I know, Shocking!!! -- we met more than 44 years ago, and have been married more than 36 years. Anyway we have lots of music that we share.

Here's a song that I play for us sometimes when we're both within earshot ...

"Still The One"
by the group: Orleans
words and music by John Joseph Hall and Johanna D. Hall

- #5 hit in 1976

We've been together since way back when
Sometimes I never want to see you again
But I want you to know, after all these years
You're still the one I want whisperin' in my ear

You're still the one -- I want to talk to in bed
Still the one -- that turns my head
We're still having fun, and you're still the one

I looked at your face every day
But I never saw it 'til I went away
When winter came, I just wanted to go (wanted to go)
Deep in the desert, I longed for the snow

You're still the one -- that makes me laugh
Still the one -- that's my better half
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You're still the one -- that makes me strong
Still the one -- I want to take along
We're still having fun, and you're still the one (yes you are)

Changing, our love is going gold
Even though we grow old, it grows new

You're still the one -- that I love to touch
Still the one -- and I can't get enough
We're still having fun, and you're still the one

You're still the one -- who can scratch my itch
Still the one -- and I wouldn't switch
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You are still the one -- that makes me shout
Still the one -- that I dream about
We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You're still the one, yeah still the one
We're still having fun, and you're still the one

God bless you all.
Love,
Mack

by **Lionhearted** » Tue Apr 13, 2010 4:10 pm

hi macks

macks said: If we are lucky, we'll be thrown a huge and gripping tribulation that knocks us on our behinds -- one that has us both crawl to one another for comfort. And if we are luckier still, we'll remember those first days together.

you know .... i have found that my most hurtful and damaging tribulations have come ... at the hands of my husband.

but i get what you are saying, the tribulations that come at us "as a team" the ones that are gripping and huge ... do definately drive us together, if we will let them; we don't see it as "lucky" when we are in the midst of it, but afterwards you can see the blessings in it ... being further cemented together as a brother and sister team!!

macks said: You thought I was done, huh? ...WRONG!!! LOL

as a matter of fact .... i thought your first post was kinda short rofl

luvu macks *hug5*

macks said: Here's a song that I play for us sometimes when we're both within earshot ... "Still The One"

OH YESSSS!!!! ...... music is such a huge ministry to our hearts huh .... i do the same thing with darrell ... play songs that are special to us (when he's within earshot) .... i love that song "still the one"

ALSO ... if i can force myself to crawl to the stereo, ya know, when i'm under the burdensom oppression of anger and bitterness and hurt when we've had a "nasty" fight .... some how ..... some how, God uses it to "reset" my "head and heart" ... to where it should be ... walking in love and not focusing on faults of the present and past.

*Lion*

by **momof3** » Tue Apr 13, 2010 4:38 pm

awwww...amen! woohoo!!! awesome posts these are...and words of wisdom!!! love the song, toooooo!!!!!! *band*

love you guys soooooooo much!

in Jesus,
love momo *harp*

<<<<<<<<<<got still the one stucked in my head now *Guitar*

by **Mackenaw** » Tue Apr 13, 2010 4:53 pm

Hello Lionhearted *hug*

you said:

you know .... i have found that my most hurtful and damaging tribulations have come ... at the hands of my husband.

Oh yea, I know what you mean, and like the one lyric in that song above says "Sometimes I never want to see you again" *Whistle*

but i get what you are saying, the tribulations that come at us "as a team" the ones that are gripping and huge ... do definately drive us together, if we will let them; we don't see it as "lucky" when we are in the midst of it, but afterwards you can see the blessings in it ... being further cemented together as a brother and sister team!!

No, they don't seem lucky at all when we're going through them -- quite the contrary. But, just as you said...afterwards, if we'll really look...blessings.

An acquaintance of mine, wrote a song where one of the Chorus lyrics is "Hey you, on the other side of this song." Isn't that awesome?!!! I find myself on the otherside of a song so often. Love that music, and I thank The Lord for it.

I love your phrase:

if i can force myself to crawl to the stereo,...

We have to do that sometimes, don't we? Force ourselves. This ole flesh is so weird and stubborn at times, and would have us fight to stay miserable. :roll: