narcissistic husband

[bliss0110]

Hi guys,

I joined this forum because I really need someone whom I could talk to.Right now Im still in a waitlist for me to speak with a counsellor.I am a codependent resulted from childhood and was married to a narcissistic husband.At first I thought Im being out of control and got crazy.But then as I did research,I came to understand that Im being emotionally abused..There are things that My husband do that is not right like lying and cheating but it goes back to me and seems everything is just normal.With this I think Im going insane.He seems to be just calm and nothing happens.I am almost drawn to call womans desk but I need guidance if Im doing the right thing.Confused and worried here..

[Mackenaw]

Hello Bliss

God bless you this day.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time concerning your husband. Your situation sounds complex, yet if you can get to a place of peace with God, you will be able to see clearly what is going on.

Please feel free to share your concerns here -- you have my ear, and my promise of prayer. God's will be done.

God bless and keep you,
Sister Mack

[mlg]

Welcome to the Oasis Bliss! It is not a mistake that you are here. God led you here because He knows what you need and when you need it. Here you have friends in Christ who are lifting you and your husband in prayer.

I want to suggest that the Oasis has a free Christian counseling program that you may want to check out. There is healing in Jesus.

Please share anytime.

Take care and God Bless

[dema]

I had a narcissistic husband. I went to an online forum. It was very good except for the amount of anger. But anger sometimes needs to get out.

When a baby is born, there are basically two emotional states (at least that the experts seem to identify) comfort and anger. Anger is believed to be the most primitive emotion. As a child grows, he learns additional emotions. I don't remember the whole progression right now. But happiness is learned later than anger and empathy is learned somewhere around the age of five. Narcissists don't learn all the emotions - most particularly they don't learn empathy. Also, a narcissist usually has no emotional memory. That means no regret.

My ex was relatively harmless as narcissists go for most of our marriage. He was still very damaging. His daughter's stepsister majored in psychology and when she studied narcissism she realized that my ex was one. She told his daughter who told me several times before I looked it up and believed her. I had already identified his lack of emotional memory. His mother died and a month later he could talk about her death with no feeling whatsoever. He always could make jokes about morbid things. I asked him something about feelings and he was clueless. If it happened yesterday, he has no feelings for it today. It doesn't matter if his favorite cat died - he loves his kitties. He adores the kitties, he mourns their loss - but the next day he doesn't feel it.

He also cannot feel love an hour later. I figured out that he avoided all sorts of intimacy because he felt so devastated when the feeling left. If I did cuddle up with him in the morning, he would enjoy it. But an hour later he would be very antagonistic. As I learned and talked to him I figured out that he felt a huge sense of loss because he could not retain the emotion. He would rather not have it than feel its loss.

Because of this emotional distance, and for who knows what other reasons, they figure out what will get you emotionally riled up and they feed off of your emotions. They become very good at promising something and then not giving it, pretending not to care, carelessly saying something that affects you deeply.... and it often seems like it is an accident. But they are vampire like feeding off of your emotions. They don't have a full set of their own, so they get you upset and that soothes them. And they make it sound like you are crazy. You are the crazy one. You are the one all upset. They aren't upset - you are. So you must be the crazy one.

Feel free to PM me. To PM me you don't click on my name, you click on the PM below my name. Anything you write on my page is public. But if you end up at a screen that looks very much like this one, you are probably in the right place. It should say PM on it.

[cimi]

currently going through this now. My husband always had an egotistical air about him in our 37 years of marriage. NOthing like what is currently happening with our family now though. I’ve been through the wringer. Legal separation with a restraining order. I’m as harmless as a fly. He lied to the court and got my kids. and now they have to live with a Borderline personality disordered dad. And from what i’ve read, its SCARY emotionla rage. ups and downs. one day the sky is blue, one day its purple. and the kids have to agree or else. The world says borderline, but as a chirsitan, i’ve learned that it is spiritual. Demon possession

[dema]

Do you have your own lawyer?

Keep a journal of his behavior. And when you have witnesses, put that in the journal. The lawyer can present the journal to the judge as evidence. It is acceptable evidence. I know lawyers cost a fortune. There are things that can be done. This isn't good for children.

I have known several grown women with narcissistic mothers who are still damaged. And they are the ones smart enough to have figured it out.

I have wondered so many times why I married this man - well I was on the rebound - but more so why did I stay with him for 18 years. Just night before last he decided he wanted a pot he had generously "given" me during the divorce 5 years ago. The pot and plant were given to him by someone he admired. I should not have accepted the gift. He wrote me an email at my work address demanding I return the pot and threatening me with all sorts of things including calling all these people in my life and telling them what ..... We were divorced five years ago. Five.

Anyway, I don't reward bad behavior. That's how I survived the 18 years - it is why I bothered that amazes me. He was so damaging. I kept his grown kids in the divorce. His son won't have anything to do with him and his daughter says she has done trying, but I doubt that's true. Anyway, I came up with the answer. He had written me three emails I assume were scathing and ridiculous - definitely long - which I had not read beyond the point of figuring out what was going on. I told him that I would give him the pot in 2018 if he ASKED and he said PLEASE - or he could ask his current wife to ask me politely. She is sweet. Poor thing. However, if he wrote me anything about it this year, I would get rid of it.

And he stopped. He should know me well enough to know I meant it.

Anyway, don't give up. They manipulate quite creatively. They find your buttons - good ones and bad. People who haven't been through it don't know how they can lift you up - before pounding you down. And how they can do that to other people - find their good buttons and win their confidence.

But you can fight this.

According to science they are compensating for not ever having developed a full personality. They cannot feel empathy. They don't have emotional memory. And they compensate with this weird talent of figuring out our emotional responses and playing on them. Whatever it is - you don't have to be a victim. It is difficult, because of their super power or whatever it is. But you can win.

[cimi]

Hi Dema,
Well, if I “can win,” it certainly doesn’t look like it right now. I do still have some hope left but he is absolutely destroying my teen children. Their dialogue with me is outrageous and bizarre. My son is always hostile, angry and persecutory. He brings up the same accusations everytime we speak (which isn’t often now since I lost them in February. My husband has an illness. A “narcissistic injury.” Not many folks know about this disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder. Kind of like borderline personality disorder. The injury causes emotional upheaval. These people are some of the most rageful people on the planet and my children now have to live with him. He won in court by committing perjury. I had to call home today and my son answered. It was the usual. I asked him if his sister was at school because she had called me earlier. She needs my consent to be able to travel to Germany this June. I said, oh, so you only call me now that you need something, (I’ve spoken with her only twice since I lost her on her birthday in February) She said, i want to go to Germany and unfortanately I have to talk to you. I’ve been dealing with this abuse for a year now. I hung up on her but realized that was not the solution so I called home to see if she were there. My son immedately said, why do you want to know? I said she had called. Why did she call, he asked. I said you don’t need to know that. NOW i’m being accused of being evasive, confrontational, outrageously abusive just from telling him he didn’t need to know the details. Of course he turns everything around to say I’m the one being abusive. He is being abusive to me and has been for the past year , ever since his dad filed for legal seperation. There WAS no conflict with my children and I before the separation. It’s all a delusionl persecutory illness that my husband is projecting through my children. It’s really quite deep yet so simple. Unfortunately the three counselors I’ve talked to don’t get it. They just listen to the kids, or ignore because, i’m assuming, they are either themselves influenced by the demon, or they are scared of the demonic influence. I don’t know. Either way, my children are in a hostile, severely abusive environment. And I don’t know how to rescue them.

[dema]

Can you prove the perjury? Do you have a reasonable lawyer?

As far as counselors or anybody else - I find it is good to keep a journal and document exactly what is illogical.

I told my ex I had never been able to fall in love with him because he always pushed me away when I got close. So every time we went to court he made the lawyer say that I had never been in love with him. The lawyer always looked like he was eating dog poop when he said it, but he said it. I could have straightened it out I suppose - but it had nothing to do with anything. We were getting a divorce. Why didn't matter. It is manipulation.

Narcissists need to manipulate. They are feeding the gap that they have in their own souls

I do recommend that if you see another counselor that you talk in terms of actions and not that he has a demon. I don't know if narcissism is demonic or not - I do know the kinds of things they do. Like the pot. Like the manipulation in court. Like giving my grandkids a phone that supposedly was cleaned but had x-rated texts on it talking about wife swapping and things like that. That gift took the cake, but through the years he has given his daughter many gifts that were snakes in disguise. Computers that wouldn't work without him going over and messing with them and blaming her for messing them up when she hadn't ever gotten it to work in the first place.

It is about manipulation.

I don't know how he managed to keep you from having any visitation. I imagine with any sort of lawyer you can get that overturned. As far as the kids - if you can provide direct evidence that things aren't as your ex portrays them, not as an argument but more as just presenting it with no comment, that may make them see things a bit differently. Are you able to text them? Or email them? Keep it light. Don't knock him. Be available.

I really recommend the journal, clear examples of his narcissistic behavior, and just trying to be in touch with your kids without trying to win them over. And a good lawyer who can get you increased contact with your kids.

Kids hate having their parents fight. Generally they really want to be in contact with both parents and don't want to have to choose. If they can contact you without you saying anything against their father, it would help a lot. At the same time, you will then get the opportunity to let certain things drop. Responses like, "When he said I was with another man, did he tell you that I was with my boss and we were surrounded by papers?" And then move on.

My ex lied to the court about me too. I got in court and told the truth and the judge chastised him. It still changed how things turned out. I know they can mess with you. This is the first ex. I married the narcissist on the rebound from the cheating ex. Anyway, my cheating ex did get the kids for several years. As adults they live in my town. But I thought I would die. I seriously wanted to die.

The kids grow up fast. I really recommend trying to establish any type of contact you can and keep it about them - not about what's wrong with them and their situation, but just about their achievements and their lives. Give compliments, give approval - but still talk to the lawyer.

I've got grown children problem. After they moved in with him for a couple of years their Christianity was gone. It hasn't come back. They both pray to God - but they reject the concept of sin. Prior to them going with him, they were evangelizing and dragging me to church twice a week. But I do see them. And I see their children. I am sad about it. I really am devastated at times. They were saved. I hope once saved always saved is true. And I hope their children get to know Jesus. But at least I have regular contact. And at least the children know that their grandmother loves Jesus.

[cimi]

I’ve had two lawyers and was working on a third to counter the GAL report if needed. Well, it WAS needed but I cancelled the third lawyer because I believed that he was not going to be on my side and therefore a waste of more money. I have trust issues with just about everyone. It’s because of what’s happened to me. I’ve often thought that I’m in literal hell. literally. My mind thinks that God can do anything, so, He can put me in a hell like this where everyone that I know is here, but they are not really them but just a form of them. See how crazy this narc/jezebell spirit gets to people. I actually have a very good head on my shoulders, and that is due to God. nothing of myself. Godd thing I do though because i would be out of my friggin mind about now if i didnt. He managed to keep me from having visitation from the kids because, like i said, he committed perjury. Bust also, the kids are channels for him to vent his rage and narcissistic tendencies. He has turned them into mini me’s. It’s very sad because i raised my children well. We were close. I wasn’t the BEST parent, but i was a very good parent. I always had a listening ear. The kids always came to me for their needs. emotionally, AND physicallly, AND materially. Their narcissistic, haughty, arrogant, entitled, persecutory, unloving, uncaring, unempathetic, I could go on, are soooo not their normal behaviors. This is how I KNOW they are being influenced. I wasn’t with another man. I talked in a chat room with other men. I didn’t have sex with another man. I talked. that’s it. And that’s all the kids knew until their dad said to them diffent. It’s messed up. It’s wrong. And he’s seemingly getting away with it all. It’s very sad. Because now, they have no one. He aint good for nuthin..because, he’s very ill.


"The kids grow up fast. I really recommend trying to establish any type of contact you can and keep it about them - not about what's wrong with them and their situation, but just about their achievements and their lives. Give compliments, give approval - but still talk to the lawyer.” I know. There IS no talking to them. When I do it is all accusatory. wichi is the nature of my husands illness. Everything is projected from him through them. This is how he is getting his narcissistic revenge.

[dema]

They have memories. The children will remember. It is unusual to not get visitation. You have a church. I wonder about character witnesses?

[cimi]

It is unusual to not get visitation. I DID get it bi-weekly until my husband came on stronger with the kids and we had, let’s get nana weekend. Look, i’m so tired of this. I’ve been doing this for over a year now. I”m tired. I’m exhausted even. I want to fill you in on all the details, but even if I did, most people don’t get it. I believe it’s because of the spiritual (evil) aspect of everything that went on. The only thing I WILL say now, is that I did NOT abuse my children and therefore i should be the one living in the home with them. My husban is only with them, in the home, becasue he lied to the court system. He is ill.

[cimi]

I forgot to say. Look up Attachment-Based Parental Alienation. dr.childress.org