My journey - Christian Mysticism God Countering Depression

[thelight]

Hello everyone. To understand my question, first I have to give my story.

I grew up in the church for a long time. When I younger I walked away from the church in favor of a Deistic God. Then I became a Molonistic Free-will Christian Theist, then I was seriously turned-off by Calvinism (denying freewill and denying choice and making God to be vindictive) and nearly became a Luciferian because Calvinists were so adamant in their views being the only correct answer.

So I walked in darkness for a time, but a friend of mine and my own sister pleaded with me that God was LOVE and that kind of brought me back to reject the other teachings. My friend literally had marks on him like a spiritual battle after we prayed, I accepted Jesus as my savior. But then, I eventually had really big issues with the OT that God wasn't loving and kind. And I grew angry with God for what he did to David's son.

I kept having visions that the devil is giving me the keys to the kingdom. And the Calvinists from my college came back and attacked me with their terrible, evil teachings and I left the church.

Anyways, I really struggled with my soteriology until I heard Pastor Judah Smith's Jesus is loving Barabus. This new view of Jesus as love and an empty space of forgiveness that we didn't have to "try" and work to overcome sin - it was a free gift of love and we are NOT to shake ourselves free of sin but just accept and surrender to his love.
This changed my life forever. I finally found a kind of peace. I also got baptized.

However, as I started dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD I walked away again from the bible because the bible has problems in the OT and some in the NT that make me think God is not loving. I also kept meeting self-love advocated who were not christians and were very kind people. And the church wasn't really helping me with my problems. Not really. Again, I turned to Luciferianism and dark magic as the answers. I also looked into Gnostic and other views. I needed a spiritual experience.

Finally, I found something that worked for me - meditation. But the things that were working came from non-believers (mostly buddhists or spiritualistic people who believe in enlightenment and love). It was in a moment of mindfullness meditation that I found I could "choose" what to believe and what to think for myself. I can choose to be happy.

So it also made sense for me to choose to believe that God was only pure love. However, I also toyed with with idea that we are ALL GOD. I loved this idea because it solved my anxiety and it was empowering, but my christians friends said it was blasphemy and I was going to hell.

This made me sad, and I struggled with it. I finally found Christian Mysticism, this idea of oneness with Christ and God being love.

I still believe that the Bible is perverted but I follow the teachings of Jesus. I believe Jesus is the way, truth, and light.
I want to be one in silence with him "Be still and know that I am God" "God is love" "The kingdom of God is within"

I want to know if I am going to hell?

Can I be a christian mystic and believe Jesus is the savior? Or should I just give into my intuition that we are all a part of the divine consciousness and all one in Love. And God is love and all who have love have God (omnipresence of God).


How can I believe that God is love and accept the teachings of Jesus but still go to heaven? Many churches don't even teach Jesus' teachings anymore.

I hate religion. I hate dos and donts. The OT is wicked!! It makes me sad. But being one with a loving and kind creator is perfection.

[mlg]

Hello thelight,

Welcome to the Oasis! Wow you have been going through some tough spiritual battles in your life. I want to begin by asking you a question....do you know where you will go if you were to die tonight? Would you go to heaven? If your answer is anything less than yes....then I want to encourage you to complete this journey of soul seeking that you are on...
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

As I read through your post....I see a lot of confusion....a lot of confusion in what you believe and what you want to believe....confusion in what you are seeking....which I believe is peace and love
I Corinthians 14:33 For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

Therefore, knowing that God is not the author of confusion....confusion must be a tool the enemy of our soul uses to try and tear us away from Truth....and Truth is found in John 3:16

Something I notice is you spend a lot of time talking about the Old Testament of the Bible and how you feel about it. Did you know that the Old Testament was written before there was a time of Grace? God's grace became manifest when Jesus died on the cross for our sins. When you read the Old Testament you find God's punishment and wrath to be very stern. This is why Jesus came to die on the cross....because God knew that we as humans in this sinful flesh would not be able to overcome without His grace. We now live in a time of grace, and we can look at the Old Testament in it's history and know that we do not have to worry about God's stern punishment, if we believe in Jesus and accept Him as our Savior...and repent of our sins. Yes, there will be times even once we are saved that we will sin, but if we walk with Christ and He is in us, we have Him to help us fight off the temptation when sin comes knocking.

My prayer for you, is that you will see this journey through. May you find the Truth which you seek....

Take care and see you again soon.

mlg

[notforgotten]

My advice is that you stop messing around with the occult and become a solid Christian. This will alleviate any confusion. You will be on the right path. And just know in your heart that God had good reason to be the way He was in the OT. God is love and He has proven His love for us through His Son, Jesus Christ. Peace be with you.