Kimby's Journal

[stillstanding]

This is in my head, sweet Kimby: Fear not my sweet child, for don't you know I will never leave you not forsake you?

I feel like the enemy is working you over and I feel like it surrounds work at the heart of it. I feel like the enemy maybe deep down has you convinced youre going to fail and you believe it. I feel like the Lord would say to you Do you trust me?

some verses I know you know...be encouraged for joy comes in the morning

From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2

When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path. In the way in which I walk They have secretly set a snare for me. Psalm 142:6

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. Isaiah 40:28

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. John 14:1

There is none holy like the LORD: Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. For there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God. I Samuel 2:2

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. Psalm 37:2

The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way;Psalm 37:23

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Eph. 6:2

[kimby]

I feel like some animal following instinct to migrate here. It seems like I am keeping a pattern of posting once a year. It is also causing me to notice that it seems this time of year is always high stress.

I'll start off with a positive over last year's post. I am in my house!! There is still some touch up painting to be done from dings created by moving in and mounting the trim, but the bulk of the work to the house is finished. I have been in for about two months and have just gotten around to unpacking round 2 of boxes. Most of the boxes left are books. I realize now I have A LOT of books!

A friend came and visited me from Europe. Her imminent arrival really spurred on the final phases of home remodel. I am grateful for her visit for so many reasons beyond that though.

On the down side, the connection with God still remains unrestored for the most part. I am now nearing the two year mark. I have continued to try, but still with minimal success. This past week has been the closest to "old times" as I have had in two years, but it is still hit and miss.

That of course leads to everything else remaining overwhelming. Right at move in I took a few hits financially. My car visited the shop three times in a week. The same week I discovered my sewer needed to be replaced. All of this coincided with the same time the new exterior was being put on the house. And all of it, hit right after I had started tithing again. WHAT!? That is not supposed to happen! I was ANGRY! A month or two later I decided that I did need to still tithe. So I did. And my car decided it wanted to visit the shop again. This time demanding that its transmission be removed so she could have a new sensor. I wasn't ready to do it, but I decided that buying a new car was truly the best option. So that is now added onto my financial plate. For the first time since I paid off my first car and student loans, I am in debt again. I don't like debt. Even when it is for good things like houses and cars. They are necessary, but I don't like it. I spent years having exactly zero debt and I loved it! I want that back....but it looks like this season may last awhile before I get back into that one. Needless to say, my thoughts on tithing have been totally shaken. I don't know what to think.

Emotionally, I am a big, nasty, messed up bundle of nerves. I spent two weeks crying off and on....for reasons unknown...or, on occasion, just to spice things up, for ridiculous reasons like my pet rabbit may die one day (she is healthy as far as I know at the moment). I went through a period of not sleeping well. I was so exhausted I was seeing things that weren't there. I am somewhat back in the lack of sleep pattern this week. I am hoping to snap out of it soon. Things were so bad that I actually had the thought that I might need to go to the doctor and see what he had to offer. I don't want that, but when I hit bout 97 of crying it seemed like a viable option.

Spiritually, as I said I am still disconnected from Jesus. The demonic has taken that as their opportunity to have a heyday. My mind is constantly running at high speed often with thoughts of cutting (which I haven't done, but it is still exhausting to fight those thoughts all the time). Tonight's attempt was to put the idea in that I needed to go to a psychic. Umm, no thank you. That ranks right up there with the thoughts encouraging me (the girl who has never drank) to go to a bar and get drunk. They are taking full advantage of my sleeplessness. I have seen things in my room that I shouldn't be seeing in my room. I don't know what your thoughts are on seeing demons, but I have. One or two very persistent ones that refuse to leave when told.

I could go on and on, but there really is no need. I think you get the picture.

I do want to share one piece of good news before I post this. Last year's post included one of my burdens as the state reading test that my students would be required to pass to go to the next grade level and the fact that I had been given the lowest reading group. I had the highest test scores in the school. All but one of my regular education students passed the test. A few of my "low" readers had test scores that were near the top of the entire grade level. In math, a third of my students scored advanced. I am so proud of them and all their hard work!

If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

[dema]

You are obviously a gifted teacher.

Praise. The answer is praise. When you are sad, praise while you cry. Thank God out loud and say he is wonderful. Thank him for leading you to help those children learn. Thank him for giving you the gift of encouragement to encourage those children.

Read praise psalms when these things come to mind.

I have found that rebuking may help a little, but if you praise every time the devil attacks, he will leave you alone.

The answer is praise. At least for being free from these attacks. I have seen clear, consistent and conclusive results. Praise God Hallelujah, praise the Lord, Thank you Jesus.

Miracle cure.

[dema]

It makes sense, Kimby. The devil is real. He wants to increase the damage. But if his efforts lead to you praising the devil's arch enemy - he's going to hate it worse than anything. And it also brings the power of the Lord.

[kimby]

I have been doing a book study with a group of ladies. It is led by a pastor friend of mine. The last couple weeks we have been on a chapter discussing forgiveness. I have found these to be tough discussions, though interestingly enough I honestly don't feel forgiveness is the issue. I don't have any indicators that I have not forgiven anyone that I need to forgive. I think what makes these discussions hard is the path my thoughts go down as a result, the questions that get brought up.

When I think of forgiving, I then think of the things that had to be forgiven, and how they came to be. I hung around after the study and talked with the pastor. I ended up leaving with a lot of questions that she feels answers will eventually come for, but I have yet to figure out how to get to those answers. Obviously just thinking on it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Though I feel like I have all the facts I need to work with I can't seem to make them fit together.

I will do my best to follow the trail of questions that develop though they seen to twist and turn and branch off each other. Maybe someone out there has been down this path and can shed some light. Let me start by saying that I totally understand that some garbage is going to plop into every life. I do get that. Please don't think these questions come from the misguided belief that my life should be all sunshine and roses.

I may be wrong but I think my initial confusion comes in with the question of where was He when all these things happened. I hear people telling me He saw what happened, but that only leaves me with the image of Him sitting back watching and laughing. That isn't comforting. The thought that He was there leads to the questions of why didn't He do anything and why didn't He care. To me, caring means acting on the behalf of another so I can't make the thought that He cares and that He didn't do anything fit together. I am also told often that He loves me and to a degree I believe that, but again that leads to inconsistencies. People point to the cross as the ultimate sign of love. I would agree with that, but I can't make sense of why someone would pay such a high price to ransom something and then toss it aside indifferent to what happens to it. Usually a ransom is paid because something is of great value and you want to keep it safe. All of this leads me to feeling like I can't trust Him because I don't know what to expect out of Him. I can see that at times He steps in and protects people and watches over them, but I can't find any patterns that let me know when to expect that and when to not count on it. In our daily life we trust people because they have shown themselves to be trustworthy; their actions are consistent enough that we generally know what to expect from them. I am struggling in my trust of Him because I don't have a clue what to expect or when.

The second set of questions are all on a different path. They fall more into the why category. What did I do wrong or what was so wrong with me that caused all this? Is He angry with me and that is why, and if He is angry is there a way to reverse that? Different variations of these questions fly around, but that covers the main idea.

A few times I have been told I just need to choose to trust Him. That doesn't make any sense to me. We don't "just choose" to trust anyone in our lives for the most part. If you need a babysitter for your child you find someone you know, or you ask others for the names of the ones they trust. If you are searching for a new doctor, you do some internet research and read other's reviews. We don't let strangers in our house or pickup hitchhikers for the most part. We trust when there is a reason to trust. When there are all the inconsistencies and unanswered questions I mentioned above, choosing to trust isn't really an option. Not because I don't want to, but because I have no idea what I am choosing to trust. It would be lip service and nothing more because I have no idea what I am trusting in. The advice to just let the questions go is just about as useful. I can stop asking them, but it doesn't mean that the uncertainty they created isn't still there. I am sure the people making these suggestions feel I am just being difficult. I really am not trying to be. I am trying to avoid building on sand and having it all collapse around me in a short time. To follow their instructions I would have to pretend and that doesn't seem a great basis for anything.

Anyone walked this through this and know the way to the other side? Or is anyone even just one step ahead of me and have the answer to one of these questions? I am so trying to move forward with this, but I feel incredibly stuck. None of the puzzle pieces I am holding fit together correctly.

[kimby]

The recent death of a former coworker and the mother of one of my students has left me re-exploring questions I have wrestled with and never found answers to.

We are told to trust Him, but what are we supposed to trust Him for? Trust is generally based on an expected outcome. The people I trust, I trust them because I can fairly accurately predict what they will, do, say, or be. I don't feel like I have that with God. I never have a clue when He is going to come through or when He isn't. I never know when I can expect Him to be there for me or when I will be left on my own. I haven't figured out in which instances I can count on Him and which I can't.

This woman had people all around the world praying for her over the last 18 months to be healed so those babies could have their momma back. God looked at us all collectively and said, "No." What is the point of praying? It seems like God is going to do what God is going to do and our asking makes no difference expect to disappoint us. What good does it do? Please don't think, I am so foolish as to think that God should just say yes to everything. I don't. But that is all wrapped up in the question of why pray too. The bible says that if two or more believers agree on a thing it will be done for them by their father in heaven. It says that whatever we ask in His name He will do for us. Those verses didn't hold out in this situation. They were proven not to be true. We agreed, and it wasn't done. We asked, and He didn't do it. I don't mean this to sound accusatory to God, though I am sure it does. I just mean to say, I don't get it. Why tell us these things and then not do what you said? I don't understand.

I feel so lost right now.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Kimby (((hugs)))

God bless you this day.

I pray, in the name of Jesus, that what I share will honor God and will minister to you. God's will be done.

Your former co-worker, the mother of one of your students, is now healed, and rests sweetly with The Lord. Hallelujah! Thank You Jesus! There will, no doubt, be mourning and grieving of her passing from this realm to the next, by those that will miss her visible presence. Her children, having been brought up by a believing mother, will be reminded of the love and Truth of God, taught and exampled by her, and by God Himself, and by other mature believers that will step up and love, minister and guide these blessed children. They will some day be reunited with their mother, face to face.

Jesus taught us: Luke 18:17 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.

Children are much more resilient and faithful than what most of us understand or consider. They are innocent and hopeful, and they are unencumbered by years of temptations and wanderings resulting in the exercising of pride and cynicism that most adults have erroneously adopted and practiced in their lives.

Matthew 5:4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

God will comfort the children.

I will try to address your other questions -- particularly on the topic of prayer. Why do I pray? I pray because I know that it glorifies God. I know He is my only true hope, I love Him and I respect Him, and I have great desire to praise Him and to do His will. I know too, that I cannot depend on my own understanding of this life, nor my own emotions, because they can get out of balance too quickly and betray me.

I wasn't always so enlightened, or so at peace. I was a very prideful woman for the larger part of my adult life, and angry, and very discontent. Satan sold me, a born again Christian, a bad bill of goods by catering to my pride, and I swallowed his bait, hook, line and sinker. When I finally exhausted all my options, presented me by Satan, and thought my only choice was to end my life, God re-directed me. God has been merciful to me.

I had a similar experience to what you have shared in your post. A woman, who loved The Lord, that went to our church, became very ill. Everyone at the church, her family, and many believing friends lifted up many prayers for several months for her to be completely healed. She passed on. Some within the church and her family expressed outrage. They were mad at God for not honoring their prayers. I thought about it a lot, when suddenly I had a thought, no one knew what she had prayed for. What had been her request of God? We all recognized that she was a strong woman of faith and that she loved The Lord, but, had we even asked her what her heart's desire was? Would she have felt comfortable telling us, if it had been contrary to what we wanted? What if our prayer requests for someone are different from theirs?

I know God knew her heart. I know, too, what His Word says: Isaiah 57:1 The righteous perisheth, and no man layeth it to heart: and merciful men are taken away, none considering that the righteous is taken away from the evil to come.

Jesus is our example...God's will be done. Not our will, but Your will, Father.

Honestly, sometimes I know my will is not in line with God's will, so I ask Him to soften my hard heart, help me understand so that my will lines up with His.

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Kimby, I hope this helps you. The Lord loves you so very much, and I love you, too.

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. God's will be done.

God bless and keep you, Kimby.
Love,
Mack

[dema]

Thank you Mack, your message is beautiful.

[kimby]

I have been thinking some. I think I have realized part of why I am struggling in all of this and why it is affecting trust so much.

The Bible seems pretty clear in the verses that tell us to ask and we will receive, or that if two or more agree it will be done for them. In this instance that wasn't the case. I then start questioning how much trust I can put in other verses, such as He is faithful to forgive us. I just don't know what to think. What can I trust to be true, what can I not?

All of this on top of everything I was already trying to sort out is just wreaking havoc. I am struggling to even trust that green lights are green and I can go! Logically I know that is ridiculous, but this is one of those times it is tough to be logical.

[dema]

There is great freedom when a person gets to the point of, "Dear Lord, I do not understand, but I know you are God and that you are powerful and good and that you love me."

When that is enough, then life becomes much easier.

[dema]

A moment of spiritual enlightenment came to me one day when a student asked me if a math principal was always true. I knew that when you get into advanced math - the beginning theories that eventually lead to the theory of relativity - that the rule he wanted to know about would not be true. I even tried to let him know that. But he asked me questions that he did not have the power to comprehend. And so, from that point on, I told students an almost truth.

I believe, Kimby, that in your mind, an almost truth is a dirty rotten lie. But the fact is, when there is a principle that is needed in order to solve problems and live a better life, or a better mathematical existence, and that principle is truly needed in order to get through the math class or the day in the life, that even if it isn't always true - it is absolutely vital that you know it and use it. For my students, if I told them all the complications involved, it would have no benefit and instead would leave them questioning. The almost truth was far better - for the questioning student and the ones after him.

Perhaps almost truth isn't right - usually true is more accurate. It is a valuable principle that almost always applies and often is sufficient.

Mack touched on how complicated this issue is. What if people are praying for different things? What if two or three are gathered together praying different things? What if the person involved wishes to invoke her free will in conflict with the prayers? What if a prayer in the future about something completely different needs a certain result now? (I don't think that applies here - but that could often be part of the situation.)

God sees in a way we can't. The situation is far more complicated - and now I can here you saying, "No. It's simple. She died. She should have lived."

Well, many math problems look simple too. But there are possibilities beyond the typical imagination. We don't know. We cannot know. And I have read over and over in the biographies of many spiritual souls - enlightenment comes when we quit insisting that we personally have to figure it out. As long as you are insistent on figuring things out, you never will.

That is part of God's supremacy - he reveals only when it has been acknowledged that the recipient is powerless to comprehend on her own. When we acknowledge our helplessness to understand, then we begin getting little bits of understanding. Piece by piece. But if we ever decide we have figured it out - we get humbled again.

God only reveals, IMHO, to those who are willing to continually admit their ignorance.

You never figure it all out. You never arrive. It never all makes sense. But peace and an increasing level of understanding are possible. Communion with God is possible. But you have to let go. You have to quit insisting that there are rules that make this world a safe place. Only God is in control. And we may walk through the valley of the shadow of death - we may die there. But God is with us. And we are never alone. As LONG AS, we relinquish - let go, LET GOD. With faith. If you have full understanding - there is no need for faith.

God is God. And he loves us. And that is what we need to know.

[kimby]

I am not trying to understand the complexities of the universe. I simply want to know which parts of the Bible are dependable and which are not. Does He really love me or is that one of the verses that isn't always true? Will I really be forgiven or is that only "usually true"? I understand that we just accept some things, but basing my eternity on things that may only be "almost true" doesn't seem like one of those things. Where is the peace in knowing I may be forgiven or maybe not, where is the comfort in knowing I may go to heaven or maybe hell? If some verses are only "usually true", doesn't that then have to apply to the entire Bible? Which verses are absolutely true and which are only "almost true"?