I have to start out by confessing that yesterday should have been the day of my 4th stepping stone. I was going to come on here and note the reasoning's for my absence in the proceeding with the 4th stepping stone on the day it was suppose to be made...but I know that there is no excuse to why it was not done and I ask for forgiveness from The Lord and my fellow Oasis members.
Here I am now I have read the 4th stepping stone and boy do I feel as if there is a huge weight that has been lifted and my eyes have been opened to something that I never realized.
I pray for the forgiveness from my husband daily...but I have been woken up...how is it that I can ask my husband for forgiveness if I can not even forgive the ones who have sinned against me? When I was the age of 6 my father left my brother and I for a very sinful life that only lead him away from his family more and more and into the arms of a new family that he has always seemed to love and cherish more then my brother and I. Mainly me actually... I have given him many opportunities to love and hold his relationship with his daughter as he should...but never did he, or maybe he did but never to my standards I suppose. But who am I to hold those standards up? Because of the things I went through as a child and the abandonment I felt, I lashed out...never thought I deserved a man that would treat me as I should be treated. Dated men that treated me poorly, cheated on me, called me names... I lived a life my father lived and then I blamed him for my actions.
I found my husband one who treated me the complete opposite of all the others. I was in love for the first time, real unconditional love... but years past and all I did was force my sinful life on such a precious pure soul. I rained my sinful life on something so beautiful because I thought as if this was nothing but another way to break my heart. I ruined it before it ruined me, I did not want to feel that abandonment that I felt and have felt for YEARS by my husband if he were to ever leave me.....WOW!!!!!!! And I have blamed it all on my father, my actions, my thoughts, my fears, everything!!
That same feeling that I felt when I came to this website for the first, the one that made me get up off my bed and through away anything drug related, the one that made me keep repeating over and over "IM DONE" has now arose once again but nothing but "WOW!!" was said.
I have never seen my life this way before....