Journal # One

[tashanne1106]

Hello,

I'm Tasha and this is my first journal post. I have come here to get some help with my negative thoughts and feelings. There has been one problem that I've been dealing with and it's trust.

I've been with my husband for 7 years and been married to him for a little over a year. This year has been the hardest. I've always had trust issues but recently it's been out of control. I'm always in fear that I'm going to be left. I guess this comes from my past. My husband is a great person. He hasn't done anything to hurt me. It's just I'm in constant fear that he's hiding something. I'm jealous of his female co workers and don't trust him or them. I'm pushing him away because of my nagging and questioning everything. I'm tired of my own nagging. I find myself wanting to express my feelings to him but just hold back because it goes nowhere. In his eyes he has done nothing wrong so he don't want to defend himself so we don't talk about my problems or thoughts anymore because it's just destroying our marriage.

I don't know what I need to do but something needs to change. I pray about my marriage and ask for guidance. I feel crazy that I'm this way to my husband. I've been so blessed with a wonderful husband and I'm destroying everything because of my thoughts and trust issues.

[dema]

Why do you have this fear? Please pray and give it to the Lord AND ask God to show you where this is growing in your heart. Because it is growing in your heart. If you will find the place, then when this comes you can say, "This isn't my father, this is my husband - my husband isn't my father." or whomever it may be.

When we are hurt as a child, we often will blame ourselves. If we blame ourselves we have control. It may be that you told yourself as a child that you should have or your mother should have or you as a teenager should have with your boyfriend - not been such a fool. So now you don't want to play the fool - you are going to catch him right away.

These are wild guesses - but there is something like this in your head and heart that needs to be brought out, looked at and then you can see that your current situation is not the same and your husband is not the same and with God's help you can change it.

When we are hurt, we also often bury the incident. As a child we are helpless. As an adult we may also be helpless. Buried incidents often come out this way. You are likely doing to your husband what you wished could have been done in the past when you were helpless.

Pray for revelation.

Also, if you will sit down and start writing and then read what you wrote, there will likely be clues.

"I think my husband is going to do......... I think that because............ I think he will pick someone who..........

Anyway, just start off and write absolutely as much as you can. Keep writing and writing. And then read it. When you hear little girl words or strange phrases when you are reading it, then ask yourself where those came from - maybe write those words and keep writing again.

I did this and my friend read it for me. "I wouldn't want to be a preacher's wife because then he would tell me that I talked to much and ate too much and that he was ashamed of me at church."

In my case the person was a neighbor who abused his family. My friend thought the sentence above was bizarre and sounded like a child. Once we hit that, we got into the source of my issue pretty fast.