Journal #1 - 3rd Marriage-Adultery

[Sarah-Looking4Answers]

I'm not even sure WHERE to start! I'm on my 3rd marriage, and once again, I committed adultery! Lord knows I've beat myself up about it constantly. I proclaim my Christianity, but then I turn around and do this. I have confessed this TERRIBLE sin in the Welcome New Members area and pretty much wrote an essay, so not sure if that would be too much to reveal here in my FIRST journal entry (??)

Been married with #3 for 7 years, and we have a 4-yr-old son that we both adopted a couple of years ago.

I never imagined I would step outside my marriage, but 8 months ago, I did just that--RESISTED--but gave in. The other guy was out of a 5-6 yr-relationship/engagements to a girl that was nearly 20 yrs his junior, and before that he'd been married for 10 years. He started attending church months ago and proclaims Jesus. I've seen him approx. 5 times in the past 8 mns. Truthfully, I REALLY like him, but know it's WRONG. I asked him WHY he persisted with me when he knew I was married, and he responded that, like his past marriage, he was "checked out" emotionally and in his eyes, felt the same way with me, although he's not the married one--I am. I tried so hard to resist him, but he would not give up. I blame myself and Satan. One friend suggested the other guy is a "wolf in sheep's clothing," because he's given me sound spiritual (Christian perspective) advice, yet he and I had an affair.

My husband discovered this by finding some text messages between us, and I was ashamed. Went through some serious grieving, which was hell. But he has forgiven me and even said he would stay married to me, but.....

We have lost so much trust in one another--He doesn't trust me nor I him. Also, for years I have been trying to break free of his controlling behavior towards me. Even now since we filed (he did, since I have no income right now)--I have always left my jobs for him as he's moved all around for his career.

Before we even married, there were problems, usually alcohol-related on his part, but I constantly covered up for him. I could never get him to come to church with me, so I stopped attending, and rather at home by myself or watch a sermon on TV. When I try to talk about God/Jesus, he doesn't want to hear yet, yet he tells me he is a Christian now, so I'm confused (yes, after all these years). We have never really communicated, and still cannot talk. We don't talk about anything, and I have had it. I'm so frustrated!

This is NO WAY JUSTIFIES my adulteress actions!!! THe fact I did this in both marriage #'s 1 & 2 leads me to believe I have a serious issue. So I've been seeing a therapist, but she keeps God/Jesus out of it, which is not the most helpful. However, she has helped me recognize abandonment. I was abandoned at a very young age, and this continued throughout my growing years. After her death at age 10, I moved in with my gparents (step & maternal), who were more or less like strangers to me, and I never felt wanted. IT STILL DOES NOT JUSTIFY CHEATING!!! ( I KNOW!) As a adolescent girl, my step-grandma constantly criticized me, told me I could not make my own decisions, did not know what I was talking about, and I was made to feel less, had very low-self esteem. I was very quiet and would hang out in my bedroom--away from the negativity.

I never dated in high school because I felt I was ugly. Husband #1 I met in college, where I attended for one year (in the back of my mind, that voice kept saying: "You can't make decisions." "You NEVER finish anything." And for years, I believed her. He and I married for 10 years. I finally had had it with his mother controlling our marriage, and communication with us would be silence--he would drown me out with sports. We became more like brother & sister than husband & wife. I stepped outside that marriage with someone random! I was determined to leave although he wanted me to stay.

#2-Rebound husband. RElationship moved too fast! Saw red flags from the beginning--very controlling--he knew what was best for me. Also, I felt the need for validation. I would be the way he wanted me to be. I became dependent on him--I was no longer lonely, although guys were asking me out all the time.
With this husband, I did not want to marry him, but after 5-6 proposals, I gave in and said yes so not to disappoint him or his family. I refrained helping with any wedding plans--let him do it all. My friends would say, "There's no reason why you can't POSTPONE the wedding!" But he had an anger problem, and I didn't want to trigger his anger. We were together for 6 years, only married for 1. WHY WAS I SO WEAK????!!!!

#3-Rebound AGAIN!! He and I were DRAMA from Day1. Everyone said we did not belong together, but something about his "bad boy" image attracted me. It was a very dysfunctional relationship (physical), shallow communication, where I usually would run into the restroom in tears because he pissed me off. I broke up with him countless times. We we were even separated by distance due to his job, and we STILL fought over the phone. However, I felt some kind of dependence on him (??) It was a dysfunctional relationship, usually alcohol involved-especially with him, and we'd get in the worst fights when were both drank, but I put up with his public intoxications and constant alcohol-related issues--and came close to leaving him, but was too afraid to.

Now look where we are! We've hit Rock Bottom and now filing for divorce. Each time we attempt to change our minds, the lack of trust, the painful words to one another, I now don't trust him as he works with lawyer, and he's even shut down the credit card so I am financially dependent on him; he's even threatened me to stay away from a lawyer. WE've had volatile fights. And then we'll get along... this has been going on for months and months! I now feel too ashamed to talk to my inlaws because of what I did. I try to justify that it's been building up for years, and I've suppressed all my true feelings, my relationship with Jesus, my beliefs, etc., in fear of making him mad.

I pretended to be some other person...For self-validation????!!!

WHY or WHY and WHAT is WRONG with me???!! Anyone that knows me thinks I'm outgoing, happy and high on life, always smiling, loves to socialize, blah, blah, blah..... But deep down, I most certainly have some serious issues!

One thing, and that's that we LOVE our son so much, and he doesn't deserve our anger and the tension.

I have finally made up my mind to go through with the divorce. We will do this amicably and stay in the same vicinity to co-parent our son. First I've got to get back to work.

HELP!!!!! I have fallen before the Lord in desperation asking for His mercy and forgiveness...yet AGAIN! How many times will He forgive me?! I am to REPENT!!! I have been constantly denouncing and telling Satan to STAY AWAY from me in Jesus' name!! I realize I need to COOL it with the marriages! I would like to see what happens with this other guy, but I have persisted that I would not be leaving my marriage for him, but I feel that I would be free to see him if I were not married and living in sin. However, I realize it's STILL wrong to leave a marriage for this!!

I love the Lord with all my heart and want to do HIS will! I have been begging and pleading to HIM to guide me and not dessert me.

HELP!!

[dema]

You admit to having low self-esteem from the way you were treated as a child and adolescent. When you hear over and over that you are beautiful and desirable - as happens when a man is courting - then you feel more whole. This current man pursued you relentlessly while your husband didn't seem to care. I suspect that the man was feeding his own issues with self-esteem. Proving to himself he was good enough to WIN you fed his ego.

This is about your need to be desired. You are wise to recognize the pattern. This man who pursued you is not a good candidate for husband. He pursued you relentlessly, but he did so not because you were his dream woman - he did so because you were emotionally detached. I believe it is very likely he has the same kind of issues you do. It is not a good combination to have two people who are emotionally insecure in a relationship.

The fact that you have moved with your husband repeatedly means that you have never been able to establish a situation where you feel self-worth. He is important and you live your life for him. You are not important. You quit your job, you aren't important enough to go to church with or to respect your need for church. He is very pointedly not giving you the very things that you most seek in a relationship.

There are two parts to my answer. The first part is when we are weak, then God is strong. God wants to be the center of our life and for us to realize how great he is. We are to be humble and to live a Christ-centered life.

The second part is that you are a hurting and very human person. What you have done - and are trying to quit - is a coping mechanism for the hurt inside of you. But the way you are doing it isn't healthy in a secular world and is far worse in Christian society. You are forgiven. But you need to stop.

So, how do you do that? Continue worshiping and studying and knowing who you are in Christ. Accept forgiveness.

Build yourself a life. Find a job, you will need one in the divorce. Work hard to be part of the team. I don't know if you are shy in certain situations or not, but try very hard to become valued. I don't mean to work yourself to death. Please do not volunteer for everything. Instead, in your work and in your church, volunteer for what you know you can do well and do it well. And make an effort to compliment others, genuinely only, when they do something well, when they are helpful to you and when you just like something they wear or think her hair is beautiful or whatever. Only when you mean it. But often. This requires awareness. If you look for things to compliment, you can find them. Make this a pattern. Both doing things well - not overcommiting but doing things well and giving credit and praise to others.

When you praise others, you will see that it mattered. Not every time, but often. And that will help you to feel better. And when you praise others, they will look for ways to reciprocate. Dress nicely - not ridiculously - no prom dresses to weed the flowers - but do look nice regularly. Even when you don't think you will be going out. You can go to Goodwill and get some pretty dresses to wear to clean house. Yes, I am serious. My husband convinced me to do that and I find it makes a real difference in how I feel about myself. One is frayed around the neckline - and that is fine. I am only doing house and yardwork in it after all. But I look and feel prettier.

This is a lot. You may wish to write it down as separate things. 1. Volunteer for one something at church. Make sure there is childcare available. Do what you do well and compliment others often on what they do.......(This may need to wait until after you know what job you will have. But treat the job in the same way. You will need SOMETHING outside of work for you. Not having it opens you to temptation.)

You are forgiven. But it is time to change.

[Sarah-Looking4Answers]

Dema,
Oh my! Just now reading your comments! As much as I don't want to believe this other guy is "not good for me," I believe you may be on point. However, I hadn't thought of marrying him, but rather spending time with him and getting to know him when I'm NOT married. Wow, you bring up some concerns though.

Yes, he pursued me "relentlessly," would not give up even when I persisted we could not, but he does not see me as his "dream woman." I don't want to be available for someone just for the "physical" part. Months prior, he had asked me to talk about myself--to tell him WHO I was, i.e., what I wanted out of life, etc. But I never thought of it like that--HIS self-esteem, insecurity.

Marriage #2, I had an affair with a guy, and when my husband & I separated and later divorced, I can tell you that I wanted NOTHING to do with the guy I had the affair with--I blamed him for ruining my marriage (and myself). He, like this guy, pursued me relentlessly...wouldn't give up...And YES, he made me feel very desirable and like the most beautiful woman on this earth! Although he and I did not have the easy flowing conversation as I have had with this guy. As soon as my present husband discovered affair, I contacted the guy and told him we needed to refrain all communications with each other, but did mention we might divorce, etc.

Dema, knowing what you now know about me, do you think I should stay married to my husband and forget divorce proceedings? I woudn't be able to move out until I had a job, which, I believe will change in the next several weeks, as I've been actively interviewing (only been away from work for 8 months), but have left most of my jobs for his career. I would like to find a good Christian church (where we will be moving to) in the next few weeks. I had wanted to try attending "the other guy's" church because I've heard so many positive things about it, but not sure if that's a good idea...

Yes, I need to focus my energy on others. I have always been a caring individual and love helping others. I am usually involved in networking opportunities, which I was going to continue doing once I start working, get my own apartment...have my son every other week...work something out with the husband.

On one hand, I can't wait to live apart from my husband, but on the other hand, I'm scared to make our separation permanent with divorce. But I come up with many more reasons why I don't want to be with him.

And I don't want to make unhealthy choices,and Lord knows, there's temptation all around.
But I need to really think about your feedback about the other guy, his ego, etc. "Same kind of issues I have?"

Need to think about this. Thanks Dema.

[dema]

I wrote you a PM. Basically, I think that you should take some time to figure out why you are where you are and what you want. What you wanted in each of your relationships, what you found good and bad about them and what you would want in the future. I rather think that without having the support of your husband that you will have a lot to distract your from meditating and learning. Besides - why run off into you know not what? I get the impression you are wanting to escape a marriage that makes you feel isolated and alone. Sometimes the loneliness of being with someone is worse than being alone. But I suspect that maybe that isn't true with you?

In all serious decisions, when in doubt move slow. If you have to decide now, then say no to change. When in doubt the status quo is preferable.

These are all words of wisdom from different sources.

And it sounds like you are in serious doubt.

[Sarah-Looking4Answers]

Wow! That sure HIT CLOSE to HOME!! Well, it sure can't be God that's causing me to be so INDECISIVE, so that leaves the devil(?) Part of me looks forward to the "unknown," but the other part of me wonders if I'll miss the familiarity--what I've had for the past 7-8 years. My husband told me I am "delusional" and that it's sad I've been so "self-centered" in all the years we've been married, and that I am "too self-centered" for him! He also says he "can't wait until the divorce is final!" OUCH!!! That STINGS!! Then I back up and ponder....IS IT WORTH IT?! I have still been see-sawing with him over this. He's been so nice to me lately---as long as I don't bring up anything he doesn't want to hear. But it hurts deep! So then I wonder, is it worth trying again? But I'm sure he's sick and tired of me going back and forth like this.

Your words of wisdom stung my heart, because I believe them! Wow!!! Sounds like I REALLY need to forget about all my single friends AND that guy, because the more I think about them, the more I want to be with them. Oh my goodness. This has turned into a real nightmare.