Melindas Journal day 3

[branches]

I just read a lot of information i need to process. I was truly uplifted by the studies on Gods grace and on Christian divorce. I was with a guy I truly loved with all my heart, I believe he loved me too, but he knew that I wanted marriage and he had been hurt really bad too and didnt want to ever marry, So he broke up with me in august 2013 because he couldnt give me what I wanted. He said he didnt know if he could ever love anyone again. His actions said otherwise. But at any rate, we broke up. I met my now husband Sept 9 2013 and we were engaged by Dec, and married Feb 14 2014. I was so heartbroken and so lonely that I jumped in. I now realize I dont love this man as a wife should. I guess I thought I could prove to myself that I could GROW to love someone if he loved me. What I didnt understand was this man SAYS he loves me but his actions say otherwise. There has been no intercourse (ever) he will not satisfy me sexually, he wont answer me when I speak to him, he wont give me affection, and he wont help me financially. With him I can go to the grocery store and buy what food I want, but he wont help with my bills. We are not truly "one" sexually , financially. We just live in his house he built with his first wife, and all her things are still here while mine sit in storage because we have no room for mine. I feel that I have made a mistake. I dont want to stay for the HOPE of financial security, and I dont want to hurt him. (though I feel like he wouldnt be that hurt if I leave.) I am always afraid to be on the wrong side of God, make him angry at me, so I have married 3 other times to have "legal" sex. Now I realize after this study today that I was wrong to do that. God didnt bring those marriages about... I did. Now.... I am feeling like if I divorce this man I will be correcting a mistake. I was told in a deliverance session with my pastor, (God revealed to him also about my std) that God was going to restore a relationship. So what does that mean? I hope it means with the last man I had sex with who I loved with all my heart. Although, after this study, I truly repent from marrying people who God didnt ordain the marriage. I am so sorry God! I realize now what pain I have caused myself by trying to find someone when you truly have someone for me. I will take steps to rectify this mistake.

[dema]

Legally you could have the marriage annulled in the old days. I don't think they do that anymore. But even when divorces were hard to get, the law didn't accept that you were married unless the marriage had been consummated, that means having sex after the marriage.

I can't even imagine putting up with a leach like that. It is amazing that he would just take advantage of you that way. My goodness. How awful for you. That isn't a marriage. I don't know how you stand it at all.

[dema]

Come baaack! Please.

Hope you are doing better - but sometimes it is easy to quit when things get above the threshold.