rough times, triggering topic

[Aro]

Hello, I am christian saved but I feel so persecuted in some circles. I have moved newly to a new village and feel 'beyond'
fragile. since i left my security guard job in 2012 in California to live in Alaska because i could not think of any other place i had a chance to survive.
I prayed so much about it, but felt no leading, other than what I have done. My relationship with a woman 17 yrs oldER than me ended in 2003. Right now, I feel the ended romance, my childhood of being occasionally beaten by my father, it justified
by my mom, my mother's nearly daily grinding and wearing my ego, id and identity down; made me an excellent
target for exploitation. Now 55 yrs old, I am unable to get out of the house for some 13 months to find work, fortunately
i have found a dorm which has allowed me to continue to stay out of the cold in spite of my disability.
I have no idea how to overcome this crippling fear. I have wanted all my life to take my wounds when i was seventeen
and through Christ turn them to testimony and traits that can help others. I have a very sparse oncall job as a homeless
center peer mentor, but my feelings of inadequacy have taken their near fullest toll on me.
It is every morning I pray for strength to do Christ's will, but the terror of being taken apart once more, abandoned,
fired on false allegations, stabbed, or harassed legally has me frozen from the PTSD.
It has seemed ever since 2011, my fortunes have been turned upside down, people cheating me, firing me.
no, i do not see myself as any angel, not other than the fact that I have out of desperation for acceptance and approval
do anything, any sacrifice to help others so I can feel just a little easying off of my self-loathing.
There is that, and the terrible upbringing I had, being survived and turned around; I made a deal with God I would fight on, if only Christ would turn it to good for others; not just myself.
This seemingly endless battle to see some way to turn my evil, transformed for someone elses good, a testimony to another that Jesus can save not just to bring to heaven but bring us through trials here; has become a new struggle for me. A struggle to see if I can make it, If God will not let my long, endless suffering go in vain.
I am seeing my relationships, even my job suffer because it wears me to my bones and I feel I can not bear any more.
What really I think tears at me so much, is that my teenage life of sin, keeps calling to me, and in contrast, the Bible, Christian words of so called comfort are so empty; yet the offers of my dark past seem to be such a sweet comfort and promise, a real promise of giving my birth to now existence, which can not even sanely be called 'a life', some warmth, solace and meaning, where as that lies in a Bible direction is something I steep myself in with no sign or hope that it will give me some feeling that I have any personal value beyond letting myself be used, abused, run-ragged as a go-fer, and a surf to the whims of others.
The promise "Jesus loves you, even when no one else does," stings, driving home that all that pain I went through was for nothing, all those temptations to kill myself at seventeen were not worth fighting; because 'who needs or even wants me here?'. I feel like I am brimming over with 'Talents' (Matthew 25: 14-30) but no one has room for me or what I had thought when i was 17 might be a future purpose for me. Now nearly 40 years later, I have people comfort me with words like 'You have not even begun to suffer, still more to come.". I am full of suffering, pain fills my heart, not being able to heal just one cut or scrap on a poor Christ's child's soul, with Christ's power, and my experiences being turned to GOOD only by Him.
well, perhaps someone can tell me something to turn things around, or console me more than I have had the
platitudes of what I have gotten so far. Please pray my waiting for righteousness be satisfied, and I don't mean, 'MY" righteousness, but seeing, witnessing some use, some purpose to all what I have gone through being put to purpose for Christ's glory. Thanks
being a prisoner in this dorm will end, it must; the money is all gone.

Aro.

[notforgotten]

Praying Aro. May your life shine the glory of Christ. Amen.

[mlg]

Hi Aro,

As I read through your shared words, I could feel your pain, your worry, and your heartache. I want you to know that Jesus has the answer to heal you from all those things. He loves you and He wants to help you get past these things so you can be all that He knows you can be for Him. If you will continue to walk the healing pathway of the counseling program, you will be on your way to receiving the healing you need and so deserve.

I'm glad you have found the Oasis, and I hope to see you posting again soon.

Take care