Em's Journal. Trouble receiving love.

[HeartForHim]

God has recently shown me that pride is what has been destroying my relationship. I've met a great man who has been loving, patient, supportive and understanding. For some reason, I haven't been able to just allow myself to be loved. I love him so deeply, hurting him hurts me and letting him down breaks me in two. It's like I'm not aware of what I do that disappoints him until I've done it and he points it out. I've asked God to help me with this. To reconcile us and give me wisdom and understanding. We both have the same vision for our future, but I can't seem to express myself clearly. My past has been marred with abuse on many levels and I belive that I've been delivered from that fear and shame. But now, being seen as weak or dumb (like I don't understand things) plagues me. I'm so used to doing every thing and having all of the answers myself, that it's been like pulling teeth for him to talk to me and get me to see things from another point of view besides my own. It makes relating to me difficult and having real closeness impossible. I'm just tired of being this way, but I don't know how to not be this way. I've been immersing myself in Philippians. Reading about being humble and putting the needs of others before myself. I've always felt as if that's what I do as a mom. I never have time or energy for myself...ever. I'm just confused right now and I need guidance. I want to be the best mate I can be. I want to be able to surrender everything and submit totally and completely. My heart is breaking. I need help desperately.

[HeartForHim]

Today is day 2. I'm embarking upon the mind renewal exercises. I'm at a point in my life where it seems like alot of things are just falling apart. I've drawn so much closer to God in this time. I trust Him. I just have to trust myself and believe everything that He's made me to be. Second guessing myself, my worthiness and my ability to surrender/submit to Him fully has put me here where I am. I'm just tired of trying to be strong where I am weak. I am tired of trying to be tough and trying on my own to persevere. I know that God will carry me through all of this. I'm relinquishing my own control and trusting Him. It's do tough when you have to be everything to everyone. Seeing that, I realize more than ever that Jesus is my only hope, my only future, my true love. He is the only one I can trust and lean on for strength, comfort and guidance. His presence is where I need to be. Tired of disappointment and heartbreak.

[HeartForHim]

God is awesome. Sometimes he puts true angels in our path for situations like these. I was falling apart this morning, upset about my relationship amongst other things. I spoke to a friend who prayed with me today. God is our living hope. I am greatful and my focus is not on my burdens. I have given them to Him. Amen❤❤❤ I am worthy of love, I'm wanted. I'm valuable. I will not forget that.

[HeartForHim]

I have been inundated with work and with new revelation. I've been fasting for a few days now, just put my flesh under and give Him control of my life and my situations. I am so grateful for this counseling site because it is walking me through a journey that I've been needing to take to focus on Him. His.promises and His truth. God is good. He is opening my eyes to the ways of the world and the flesh. I'm bringing my thoughts into captivity and hearing His voice. All for His Glory!! I rejoice in Him!!!

[HeartForHim]

His love is all encompassing. He forgives. He heals. He restores!!

[dema]

I'm so glad you are on this journey. It is very difficult to realize that we are being triggered by the past and that the person talking to us may be clueless about why we are reacting oddly. Figuring it out definitely helps.

Please also be aware that people who have been abused often seek other people who will abuse. It makes them comfortable on certain levels. Please don't always assume that you are in the wrong. Seeing clearly can be difficult. Pretending you are on your own shoulder watching can be helpful.

I hope you will continue to work in both areas - spiritually and in also seeing more clearly.

[HeartForHim]

Thank you so much Dema. The Lord has really been showing me so much about everything, myself and him. This whole counseling process is opening my eyes to my own issues and some of his issues. I am excited about really being able to share these tools and this site with him, my children and some of my friends. I'm really pressing into the lord for strength and love during this time. Your advice is priceless because it has caused me to really reflect upon some things. You're right. It isn't all me and I'm not always wrong. God is good. His love encompasses all and covers a mutitude of sins. ❤

[dema]

God's strength is made manifest in our weakness. God is the strong one.

[HeartForHim]

Thank you Dema. I've been pressing into Him, surrounding myself with ministry and praise music. I was so weak the other day and today, I'm not 100%. I know that's okay. I'm truly leaning on Jesus for strength. He's refreshing me. The Holy Spirit is comforting me. He is my peace. God loves me. He is good to me.

[dema]

Are you dealing with the past? Are you facing what happened? It may take help from someone else. But old hurts need treatment.

[mlg]

Hi HeartForHim,

I pray that you can learn to accept the love that is so freely given to you through this journey you have embarked upon. May God Bless you.

Take care