An unholy mess

[jps]

I must be the most selfish person on the planet. My daughter deserves a better mom and I'm scared to death of what I'm doing to her. I have trichotillomania and skin picking disorder, and I wear a wig most of the time. I had an infection that was treated and thought I had given myself lymphedema, which is the only reason I finally went to the doctor (I had been to dermatologists in the past. My doctor sent me to get massage for head and neck lymphedema but now I can't afford it. I still feel like something is flowing inside and pressing in my ears, throat, back, etc., but most of the docs think it is just anxiety. I am starting to believe it is all in my head, and that is even what the Bible said when I turned to it when I was waiting on CAT scan results which were normal of course. I should not have asked for the test. I feel like I have never loved anyone properly and I can't stand to look at my daughter's baby pictures knowing what a terrible mom I have now turned out to be. I thought I was doing better until about three months ago when it all hit me. I haven't even taken good care of my animals especially when they get old. The dogs ended up covered with fleas and I was so busy I did not notice. My old cat even quit using the litter box, and my husband shot her instead of putting her to sleep because we were so broke. I smoked pot when I should have been doing other things. I have been carrying $20,000 in credit card debt for years and I got behind thousands of dollars on my taxes. My brother paid my taxes, which I shouldn't have let him do but that is my selfishness. I was afraid we would lose the house, which also needs repairs. I freaked out and I was hospitalized for depression and anxiety but I think it is deeper than that. I think God tried to save me maybe but I can't seem to save myself or my family. I live in fear of what will happen. My husband cannot pay all the bills. I am afraid another hospitalization is coming and I don't know what to do. I thought I wanted to kill myself but I am too much of a coward and I don't want to do any more damage to my daughter. Maybe I should run away and be homeless but I can't bring myself to do that either. I don't know what is going to happen next. She needs braces and probably glasses and I need to be working right now. I am driving my husband crazy. I'm on two different meds, quetiapine and mirtazapine, for several weeks now but no psych appointment until July and I don't know how we will pay for it. I have medical bills all over the place already. I know this is a horrible story. And I just read that if you only pray for yourself, you have bigger problems than you know. That is ME, I guess. OK, I'm sorry to burden you all, and I promise this is real. God help us all.

[mlg]

Hi Jps,

Welcome to the Oasis and the counseling steps. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that probably was difficult. But guess What? You took the first step on the pathway to healing. I want you to know that there will be many here praying and supporting you.

You admitted to some problems you have. Those problems though with the help of Jesus....can be solved. Nothing is too big for God.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. See you soon for step 2.

Take care

[notforgotten]

James 5:16. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Jps,

God bless you this day.

I noticed you haven't signed back onto the site since you posted, but I hope you are reading the 14-Day Counseling Study. But, just in case, here is the link: http://www.christianityoasis.com/cccc/forum.htm

I'm sorry for the many challenges in your life, but, I do want to encourage you that there is hope. You mentioned in your profile that you wondered if there was still hope for you. Well, Jps, YES there is hope in Christ Jesus. I also noticed you paraphrased a portion of scripture within your profile, so I'm going to further encourage you to dive deep into The Word of God. Jesus Christ is The Word, and He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

While you may have a lot of physical ailments, you also have a spiritual ailment. Your soul NEEDS spiritual enlightenment for health and healing. The deeper you grow in your relationship with The Lord, the stronger your soul will grow in spirit and body. Once your spirit becomes stronger, the body will follow.

Please, please, please read the 14-Day study. It has helped hundreds of people -- myself included. God used the study, and many other studies on this site, to grow me in my knowledge of God and His Blessed Word. That knowledge helped me grow in my relationship with The Lord, resulting in me falling in LOVE with The Lord.

The Lord is waiting for you, Jps.

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus on your behalf. God's will be done.

God bless and keep you, Jps,
Sister Mack