My Journal

[Xavier]

June 2, 2017
I find myself fighting from all fronts in life, I cling desperately to the Lord knowing that He is with me but it seems that I have fallen far from His grace because I have not gone to church in years I seem crippled and completely helpless against a war I am losing. I have many physical ailments and it seems that my physical body is a representation of my metaphysical body although I refuse to give in I find myself depressed, angry, bitter, frustrated as if the joy that I used to have is gone and I should fight to find the beauty in things again. I know God had called me to do something wonderful to fulfill His will although it is not completely clear what that is I know that what I am going through is supposed to be a part of what tempers me in fire through these trials and tribulations. I don’t understand why I am rebellious against God when I know that He is the solution that He is the one that will lead me to victory. There are days when my soul cries out for Him and I can’t help but physically cry because I am under such duress. I know that in order to heal I first must be able to recognize that I need healing and then take the first step by wanting to be healed to give it over to God. I know that I have to let God work not just spiritually in my life but through all the doctors I have. There is so much in me that is consuming who I truly am and keeping me from doing what God wants me to do in life. So let’s be honest I am a sinner, I learned how to lie very well and fool just about anyone. I struggle with pornography, I have committed adultery by having sex before marriage and also slept with another mans’ wife, I have stolen money. I am doing something now by allowing people to see my sins that I bare openly which takes me way outside of my comfort zone, but all my sins are poisoning my soul and I have no friends where I live, I need prayer, I need help, I need the Lord

[mlg]

Hello Xavier,

Thanking God for leading you here to the Oasis and the counseling program. I feel the pain in your soul. I want you to know God hears every one of your cries. He wants to wipe your tears and bring you healing, peace and strength to your troubled heart. You have taken the first step towards that healing. The counseling steps are a 14 day program. If you will see the program through...you will find forgiveness, love, and much more.

I want you to know that no matter what you have done in life, there is nothing too big for God. Jesus can remove all of those sins, and wash them away and make you whole and new again. You have so much that God wants to give you. God loves you, and He wants to help you. I pray that you will continue to walk this journey and to allow God to show you what He really can do for you.

God be with you.

Take care

[notforgotten]

I can relate to what you are saying. I am still struggling with temptation and sin. But I'll never give up the fight. You are in my prayers. God bless.

[Dora]

Xavior please keep sharing.

Are you doing any of the studies here? Maybe walking through the stepping stones of the counseling the Oasis offers.
http://www.christianityoasis.com/Keywor ... tudies.htm

Here's the counseling link. I think you've worked on it before haven't you?
http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

[Taryn]

The counseling program really helped me, and I believe it can help you too, Xavier. I'd really suggest starting with setting small goals for yourself, to forgive yourself and accept the Lord back into your life. As you complete your goals, keep adding new, small goals until you feel confident in setting bigger ones. One day at a time, brother

[Xavier]

June 14, 2017

It seems that I have allowed two weeks to pass before proceeding to the next step in my recovery, I wonder if I am afraid of digging up everything that is poisoning me and my soul that I don’t want to face it? That I let God down, that I let those who I love down? I looked deep within myself and found perhaps there is a lot more than I initially realized I am harboring, I know that Satan has set up strongholds in my mind because I struggle some days and I know that this might sound incredulous however it may seem that in my desperation and the darkness of my mind there is absolute desolation like the bitter wasteland of a battlefield with a bitter cold wind that sweeps across echoes of those who I have hurt in my life perhaps I have not forgiven myself for the atrocities of all my sins? How do I forgive myself, how do I look at myself in the mirror and claim that I am a man of God when I fight myself daily? There was a time when I was on fire for Christ people could see it and I felt as if I could move mountains in His name that I was doing what He wanted me to do in my life while I am here. I don’t want to squander my life and not accomplish what God put me here for. I want to thank you that have responded to my first journal entry for the encouragement and the prayers. I am going to need all the help and support I can get because I feel like I am in a kayak in the middle of a great tsunami desperately holding on to life looking up to the heavens as I close my eyes praying to our Lord to deliver me and calm the storm. I thank you all and I pray for you all I will try harder not to allow 2 weeks to go by to enter another journal entry to stick to the program. Thank you all and God Bless You all and God Bless our Lord

[Taryn]

Xavier, the important thing is that you're trying. I believe God and Jesus see that and are cheering you on - I am as well.

[mlg]

Yay Xavier! You came back to the path. Sometimes the struggle to heal is hard. Especially when you blame yourself....but I want to share something with you....Satan is the one to truly blame...he knows your weaknesses and he wanted to stop you from loving God....but guess what?...he only made you backslide a bit....and we know that God is stronger than the enemy of our soul....you coming back to the stepping stones is proof of that. My prayer for you is that you will accept Jesus' forgiveness and start living for God again....it is never too late. Get back up and get back to it.

See you soon for your next step.

Take care

[Xavier]

June 15, 2017

Today I don’t know what really to say as I was doing the next progression in the 14 days of the program I found that there is a lot of information to absorb and it showed me the difference between when I was regularly attending church, going to multiple bible studies and was a counselor for AWANA to barely reading my Bible daily. I can’t believe how far I have truly fallen away from Christ and I am glad that the Lord had answered my prayer for my spirit was crying out to Him so that I can be redeemed and be able to serve the Lord like I used too. I had given in to this world almost completely and without even knowing it. I know what I have to do now and it isn’t going to be easy because I have learned really bad habits over the years and I have to unlearn those bad habits and learn good habits again. I have wasted each day not spending the time with God which I should have been doing. I have to plug myself back in to a good church and pray that God gives me the strength to overcome all my physical impairments so that I can receive His word and connect to fellow believers in my area. I am grateful for this website and for those of you who have responded to my journal entries and have been praying and supporting me, I ask that you continue to do so because right now I don’t have the network of Christians here where I live to fall back on. God bless all of you

[mlg]

Hi Xavier,

Today I want to share a song with you. I continue to keep you in prayer. Just remember God loves you.

[Dora]

Xavier,

Try not to feel guilt over not being as involved with Church, Awana and other christian activies. Each and every thing you do is a sacrifice to God. It's not intended to put guilt on you. Just keep trying.

If the one day is to much information break it down. Take it at the pace you can handle. You can do this.

[Xavier]

June 17, 2017

So I am following the steps one at a time and it truly seems overwhelming I find that in a single day I used to barely spend time with God at all which initially made me cry because I love the Lord with everything that I am and I owe everything that I am to Him. I am on stepping stone 5 today and was looking down the list of problems and to my surprise I find that there are a lot of problems I have so it will be taking me a long time to read through each one daily, I did not realize how bad of a position I am in and separated I distanced myself from God until just now and it has shaken me to the very core of my soul. Would somebody also be willing to help me out with stepping stone 3 it requires making an excel spreadsheet and it gave examples of what I can do daily for my mind, body and soul. I am disabled and I am very limited to what I can do as far as let’s say volunteering, or even exercising because of all my limitations I would appreciate suggestions. I do try to walk a little but I am afraid that I cannot walk very far and have a hard time getting out of the house with the exception of going to doctor appointments. I’m going to list off all the problems that I have that was listed in stepping stone 5 so I can be held accountable for going through one at a time daily and also so I don’t forget. Anger, anxiety, broken hearts, complacency, death, defending your faith (don’t know if that means I have a problem with speaking up or not having the biblical knowledge because I do defend my faith just sometimes I feel I don’t have quite the knowledge that I should have to point to a bible passage.), depression, divorce, financial, guilt, loneliness, prayer problems, pride, seed and weeds, selfish, tattoos, temptation, trials and tribulations, willful sin. As I wrote them all down it seems that I have neglected myself spiritually far too long, no wonder I have all of these problems I allowed them all to take root and rule my life however I have never given up despite the overwhelming issues I have and I still hold on to my faith. Thank you for all your prayers and please comment and talk to me holding me accountable for each problem making sure that I am following through and going through one a day as I continue the 14 days. Thank you and God bless