surrounded but still alone

[looking4hope]

I am not even sure if i am using this site correctly, but i need to unload some stuff. I have been married for 5 years and have 2 children. I was sexually abused by two different family members...for a while when i was around 9 by someone who was just a few years older than i...and then again in my mid-late teen years. I have always felt guilty for these events. One because the first situation was with someone who was young himself....just 3 yrs older than me..although i didnt have any idea what was going on. He asked if i would like to play a game and i said yes. This began a few months of different types of sexual abuse. I dont know if i am even allowed to call it that. I didnt want to do these things, but i was to scared to say no....fastforwarding to now. I have been with my husband for 7 years (married for 5) he is the only man i have been intimate with. I have never told him about my childhood. I dont want to deal with any questions or emotional stuff that might be included, but i need to break free of the fear that holds me down. God revealed to me several years ago that this was the heart of the issue, and i truly believe that he wants to use this situation to allow me to help others. I would like to discuss some of this with my pastor, but am a little scared to open up and let everything out. I keep all my emotions bottled up, and dont like to discuss anything that has to do with feelings. I dont know how to get past it, but i dont want to pass these stumbling blocks onto my kids. I just feel so stuck within myself and cant get out.
I have lots more i could explain, but this has been a long post all about me...so i am going to stop for now.
thanks in advance for any advise you can give me.
God bless!

[dema]

It was not your fault. The bottling up you did is a normal reaction. What happened was wrong but it was not your fault. Fear and shame are inherently attached to it. Because of that, you need to talk with someone who knows how to talk about it. I don't know if your preacher is the right person - maybe? Maybe not. If God leads you there then good. If you are hesitant about talking to him - then listen.

There is a process to working through this. You need to look at what happened and realize what was lost. You need to see the little girl and how she is still present i your life. Usually she is. Usually she comes out at awkward times. You will need to feel hurt and be angry and then, and only then, will you realize the magnitude of what you will need to forgive. And only when you really know what you are forgiving can you do so effectively.

Many people here have gone through this process, or are working their way step-by-step through it now. You are welcome to PM me.

Hugs.

[looking4hope]

Dema, thanks for your help, but i think i opened a box that i am not ready to look into yet. Feeling like i should just put the lid back on:(

[dema]

How are you? If the lid stays on, the volcanoes will still erupt. It is like not wanting the doctor to set the bone because it will hurt.

I hope you are doing okay.