Starting Over

[Hope]

Well, I blew it AGAIN! I did really good for a month and the past two weeks have blown it. I could spend time kicking myself I sunk to a new low. I borrowed money off my brother to score. not a lot was 40.00 but I told him it was for groceries so I lied. I do not like who I am so it is time to start over. Get back on the wagon and take it one step one day at a time. Praying for God to help me through yet again. It's hard to imagine Him not being sick and tired of me. But I have hope that one day I can look back and will have been successful in being who I am supposed to be and clean. that's my hope.

[dema]

Doing it on willpower isn't likely to work. Why did you start in the first place? To be accepted? Because you didn't feel loved?

AA and the other groups give support and acceptance - if those are reasons you abuse.

Are you trying to block memories? Facing the memories and realizing that most of the blame and shame aren't yours in the first place can lift a huge burden. Realizing Christ took your share on the cross is helpful too.

Just willing yourself to be good isn't the answer. There is the cccc counseling on this site - but further - why did you start in the first place? What is the hurt?

Buried hurt causes pain forever. Unburying it and giving it to God, accepting the sacrifice of Jesus, is a slow process. Accepting isn't, but the unburying is. People who don't understand say flippantly, "Oh, just give it to Jesus."

Well, deep hurts take time to give to Jesus. Months or years. And yes, you need to give it to Jesus. But you have to deal with the hurt, pain, shame, blame and a lot of other things along the way. It isn't a quick little fix. It isn't the easy way that people want it to be when they feel helpless and just want to say something and smile and move on.

In healing, there is anger and there are tears. It is part of it. And you ARE allowed to feel both anger and tears. Don't let anybody tell you that you can't. Jesus got very angry. And Jesus wept.

Start with the problem. Dig it out of there.

Hugs.

PS. The body will also be attracted to the feelings of the substance. Others here are better than I am at helping you with that part of the problem. But that is secondary. The hurt is first.

[realtmg]

Amen Dema.
Today is a new day. If you slip..get back up!
One has to really want to give these addictions up and make it a priority.
Only YOU and GOD can do this.
Hang around good frinds and stay busy. When you get an urge remember THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Going to A.A. meetings help.
You will find people who have the same problem and can relate to your thoughts and feelings.
The CCCC program is a big help here. Try it.
I am glad you shared and admitting is the first step.
I too am like you.
Pray, Pray, Pray.....it works if you work it.
Thanks again for sharing and keep us updated!

GBU!
Real.....