Adult, Parent, & Child

[Gingie]

Being assertive is not an easy task especially if one has not been in the past. First I'd like to point out the complications of why I have not been assertive and ultimately becoming passive. I have feared of what others may say or think, I did not know how to handle conflict, I was not able to put my feelings into words constructively, and I feared sounding critical or condescending to others. A closer look at these had me realize that I had a lot of work to do. And at times through the pain to change I reminded myself that I had a choice; I could stay the same, passive and full of fear and resentment, or I could go through this change with the Holy Spirit's help and live the life of victory God has for me. I believe this is important to note because the option to give up might relieve me temporarily however, the long-term effects would be drastic. I end up with the same problem I began with resulting in learned helplessness. The complications I faced were astonishing -- not knowing my rights and boundaries as an individual. Looking back (not to long ago), I was a frantic, anxious, inactive person very apprehensive and although I tried not to show it, I was crying out inside for help. Thank God He hears our cry Psalm 34:17.
So how did someone like me start and actively became assertive? No piece of pie at first yet slowly and carefully I started challenging my thoughts. Here's an example of the ABCDE I&U Model I used (modified to fit my needs -- from the book Learned Optimism by Martin E Seligman) to defuse inner conflict.

Adversity (I see): My husband usually responds to many of my comments with a suggestion starting with “you can..” or “why don’t you..” Example, I say “I’m starting to feel really sleepy.” He replies, “You can go lay down after this..”

Belief (I think): I think he is trying to control me by giving me a solution when there really isn’t a problem. I’m just saying out loud what I’m sensing, feeling, or simply communicating. I wish he would listen instead of trying to find an answer for me, especially if I’m not asking.

Consequences (I feel): I feel sad that our communication is not based on listening.

Dispute (Maybe): Maybe he’s just trying to help and it may make him feel better if he feels he has answers. Maybe he’s suggesting because he does not know what else to say. Maybe he does not know how to actively listen to me. Maybe this is an opportunity for me to respond actively and actively listen to him.

Energized (I trust): I know our communication dynamic needs improvement. How can I expect that change outside myself when it starts inside? I trust that this communication barrier was revealed so that I can be the change. I trust that my husband will do his part as God leads him to. I trust the Holy Spirit to lead me into all changes I need to make.

Implies (meaning): This does not mean that his way is wrong or right. This does not mean that he will change or stay the same. This may mean I need to improve my communication.

Useful (helps): This helps me see how I can respond differently now and going forward. I realize I am not controlled by anyone unless I give them the authority to. I will respond to my husband by saying, “You are suggesting I sleep.” He might say, “Well only if you want to..” I’ll say, “I knew that thank you.”

After writing out different scenarios of these inner conflicts, anxiety has lessened for me and I am able to assert myself. I use the "When you (their behavior or action)...I feel (upset, irritated, angry etc.) ..because (reason)...I prefer you (or would like you to..) model to assert myself. I also use some of the ABCDE Model as in the following conversation with my daughter. To give a bit of history, my daughter Jazmin broke many rules repeatedly when she lived at home and as a result the trust has been impaired. She moved when I asserted that she could only live at home if she abides by rules of not stealing my car, not breaking into my bedroom and taking things without permission, and stop climbing out of her window when she was late for school. Additionally she was dishonest to our family saying I kicked her out. Time has passed and we barely talk. I have told her how angry I felt (by text -- first time I asserted myself ever, big breakthrough) and that I needed to see true remorse (she apologized only because I asked her to when she got caught after steeling the car). In a quick conversation before this one, she asked if she could stay at my house for a vacation she was planning to take. Note: when I wrote out the script before calling, I planned her responses as short and harmonious. I edited the script to show what she really said. Realize that some scripts will not play out exactly as written at times. The best script will not guarantee the other person will follow. But at least you have the broken record to follow (repeat what you want until it's heard) and are more prepared with a higher possibility to get what you need. More importantly, you express your feelings and that in itself is empowering. Here is the actual conversation we had by phone when I called:

Me: I see it’s been almost 2 years since you moved and we haven’t clearly resolved what happened.

J: Yes it has.

Me: I feel strongly that there has been no resolution and I want to clear the air between us.

J: I thought we talked about it already.

Me: I felt disappointed when you took things that belong to me without asking and I felt really hurt when you made dishonest remarks about me.

J: Okay?

Me: I wonder how you feel about me trusting you.

J: I’m not asking you to trust me. I will probably never trust you again but that doesn't mean I don’t want to call you to say hi. I don’t have full-blown relationships with people in our family but I still talk to them.

Me: Don’t you think there should be trust in our relationship and especially if you want to stay at my house?

J: I never said I wanted to have a relationship with you. You’re just my mom. Just because I want to stay at your house doesn't mean I want to have a relationship with you. You have a huge house and I thought I could just stay there. There are other people I want to see not just you. I thought it would be nice to see you..it’s been two years.. what do you want from me?

Me: I need to have trust in you before I can have you stay here after what happened.

J: I said I was sorry already. What else do you want me to do? Obviously, you are not over what happened and it’s been two years and you’re still bringing this up. That’s why I can’t do this with you. I just call you to say Happy Mother’s day and here you go bringing up something that happened two years ago. Just get over it. You obviously don’t have forgiveness even after I repented in front of you..I humbled myself to you..bowed down to you and you still can’t forgive.

Me: I just need to know you will be honest and I can trust you so that we can relate.

J: When was I dishonest about you? (she started escalating in anger and I could not understand what she was saying because she seemed very angry, went on blaming me and discounting my feelings for wanting to resolve the issue).

Me: You said things about me to the family that were dishonest (she talked nonstop while I tried to talk).

J: (went on talking abusively).

Me: I cannot talk to you like this. I cannot communicate this way. I’m hanging up.

Sadly, some on the receiving end of the assertion will be abusive, dismissive, or simply non-compliant. It is even more upsetting when the conversation can no longer continue due to the abuser. Because of her reaction of emotional and verbal abuse, I will not speak to her until I hear that she is getting some help or working on herself. And when she does, it will take repeated positive action from her and assurance for me to have confidence in relating to her when I feel I am ready.

In everyday life, I have gained more peace within myself and relating to others simply because I am now expressing myself. I use lots of statements beginning with "It sounds like you..", "I can see that..", "You seem to be..", "I wonder about..", "I'm curious why you said..". These phrases help dilute defenses from people. If instead I approach a conversation with an absolute statement such as, "You're never happy", "You have no patience..", "You're a jealous person..", or "You're always mean..", many times people react defensively with these remarks. The point you want to make gets lost when the person reacts with "How have I..I do this and that, blah blah blah (we know were this goes -- no where!) I've found removing potential defenses work better in allowing communication to flow. Active listening is also key. Instead of questioning the person, I'm use reflective dialog to assure I am listening. For example he/she says "I had a stressful day at work today." Instead of replying "What happened this time?" or "Did your boss.. or co-worker..or did you..?" Respond with "Sounds like you had a hard day". People are responsible to share their own feelings and mostly, they just want a quick ear to hear, not a drawn out soap opera (also comes in handy for those who don't want to be the receiver of he said she said drama). It gives the person the choice to go on if he/she wants to and not be lured into giving a story. They may simply say "Yeah same old thing different day." End of conversation. Or you might add, "So sorry you felt stressed today". Empathy goes a long way. If no response then that ends it. Done. Huge difference from a reactive pattern of pulling and pushing one another when communicating.

Asserting oneself comes with the belief that I have the choice to respond -- not a pull or push to react. Keeping the focus on YOU (not how the person will under or overreact) is what assertiveness is about. Therefore, no matter what is said by others, remain calm, respond assertively, or get back to the conversation at a later time by telling the person "I have to think about that.. or.. let me get back to you on that..", if one feels the need to gather thoughts for assertion. FYI: Be prepared to run off secretly as Jesus did -- or use the bathroom excuse as I have -- to pray, pray, and continue to pray. The Holy Spirit is a best friend that never leaves, always listens, and is ready to comfort, counsel, and intercede for us at any time. Thank you Jesus.

These are the rights that helped improve my beliefs in expressing my feelings and thoughts -- rights I once believed I had no right to.
I have the freedom to:
Express my concerns
Express my needs & wants
Express my feelings
Express the Truth
I validate my words because:
They come from my heart
My intentions are for peace
My motives are pure
My goal is to edify

[dema]

I strongly recommend that you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Your husband sounds very Martian. Men tend to be. Expecting them to be different just frustrates you. If you read the book you will likely change your expectations. And if you read part of it to him, or get him to read it, he can probably change a frew behaviors and expectations as well. Expecting a man to be other than the way men are just frustrates you - really. Men want to fix things. Men don't just talk about their feelings. You are just saying how you feel - feminine - but he feels you are soliciting a response. Because if he said something like that he would be asking for help. You aren't. But he thinks you are. Man/Woman intrinsic difference in communication.

The daughter issue is a tough one. I hope you are able to make peace.

[Gingie]

Interesting book and that's what I see in him, a fixer. If it isn't broken, call a Venusian.

I want peace between my daughter and I too. Thanks for support. I pray she heals.