Relationships

[dema]

People who have not had something tend to glorify the idea.

Actual relationships are flawed. People who haven't had relationships often develop idealistic expectations.

Example: Many holiday family gatherings disintegrate into bickering and fighting every year. The family rarely sees each other and says things, "I don't know why I expected things to be different."

The issue is frequently that each person came into the gathering with expectations. And when their expectations weren't met, they felt angry and hurt.

Hurt people often expect others to reach out. But why would they? Really? Each person in this world is initially self-involved. As we strive to become more like Christ, we reach out more. But our natural inclination is to be self-involved.

My holidays have never had a fight other than a child becoming frustrated. We check expectations at the door other than the expectation to have a pleasant time. To be there. The obligation is to be present physically for roughly four hours.

If a person doesn't bring what they were supposed to bring, we do without it - no words.

If a person is very late, we eat without them. And they know we will. And there are no words. When they finally arrive, they are hugged - no words.

If they leave early, I write them afterwards about my disappointment.

If anything needs to be said, it is said afterwards. But usually, by the next day, whatever needed to be said doesn't anymore.

When all you expect is to be present with others, and to be fed something - then there isn't anything to get angry about.

It is the expectations that people get all wound up about. Unmet expectations.

Anyway, hugs.

[SkyeIndigo]

Thank you for your post I REALLY needed to hear this. The family I have and had was my small immediate family that were not close and I had a lot of fantasy of what a family should be, needless to say I became disappointed and sad with my in-laws and my extended family I just found out I had when they did not live up to my expectations of them. Lately I have been realizing I should not have unrealistic expectations of family and any one else in my life because I will be disappointed every time and it puts a wall up between me and everyone in my life. Thank you again for your post and it lets me know that I'm on the right track so I can work on this.

[dema]

God bless.

[beenawhile]

Thanks Dema,

What a great reminder, we do tend to expect certain conditions, behaviors, etc. I learned that some time ago, but over the course of time I forgot I guess. As a matter of fact, I was at work this last week and the only other worker in "my" warehouse did not show up for work the first day. The next day, he did not show up again, but I knew he was coming back because his tools were still there. I was getting frustrated because I expect to be informed of what is going on, and especially if it involves production in the warehouse. Finally I said, I am not going to complain; I am not going to be a complainer. Experience has taught me that at work complaining is more often than not frowned upon. Thus, I began thanking the Lord for providing with a job where I am learning new things and getting pretty good pay. But you are correct, If we do not expect we will not be disappointed; probably the number one relationship killer is unmet expectations!

Thank you!

[dema]

There is balance. If the worker was calling in and they weren't telling you, you can ask to be told in the future. That it helps you plan your day. I do that kind of thing at work all the time and people generally just so, "That makes sense, okay." and usually they do it. It is difficult to hit middle ground - to both ask for people to think of things when they have been thoughtless without maliciousness - and to not get expectations up.

For a long time I did word searches in the concordance and was amazed at how the Bible tries to teach balance. Balance is hard.

[DicipleofJesus]

I was told growing up and in later years, that good friends never fight. Not for nothing I didn't have many relationships. But I also cringed when faced with being criticised as I knew that It would be a blot on my record for life. I've come to learn that is not so much the case and am amazed that I'm accepted prior to expressing a strong conviction about something. Life is better now as I know so much more about the person who told me such audacious stuff. On the other side of the coin there are people who are so self absorbed they don't want a person around. What I see here are Christians who will be going to Heaven, no matter what they do, so let's not be considerate. We'll be forgiven for our inconsiderateness. So why be considerate in the first place, not considering the love chapter, Chapter 13 in one of the letters to the Corinthians. Got to forgive. But how arrogant an attitude. As for the nonChristians there is a thing called boundaries to set if they intentionally try to make things miserable for us.

[dema]

The word "thoughtless" describes a lot of hurt. People don't think before they act or say something. And they often don't mean it the way it sounds. And most people are more interested in themselves than anybody else - and just about everybody is thinking harder about what other people think of themselves than vice versa.

People who are trying to please others think about what the others are thinking.

We get all wrapped up in one sided stuff is my point. Even when we are trying to be selfless, we think about whether we are successful.

It helps a lot to realize that a lot of time when you walk around with spinach in your teeth and nobody told you, it is because they didn't notice. They were thinking their own thoughts.

And, believe it or not, most people would like to accept and be accepted. People like to please. And they like to be accepted. And you count. People want you to accept them too.