Me, Myself and My Mess

[quietlife92]

Hello all.... I'm new here... searching for some light...... I'm a 50 year old Christian woman, married for 24 years. Can honestly say my husband is the love of my life. However, about 4 years ago, I began to feel trapped in a sedentary, lonely and less than intimate marriage. My husband works both night and day shifts for months at a time each. Though we continued to be happy with the other's presence, it felt so blaaaaah. Poor choice of words, I know, but that's the best way to describe it. My husband has been and always will be funny, kind, sincere and very loving. He's several years older than I and has a few health issues that prevent much, if any, sexual intimacy. I spent many nights in tears after an "encounter" went south. I'm assuming most of you understand my jyst here. He would be very apologetic and sad because he felt he'd let me down. I would have to leave the bedroom so that he did not witness my tears (of frustration and utter sadness for HIM!) I attempted on many occasions to talk to him about seeing a Dr. for the condition..... only to have him state he couldn't take any medications due to his blood pressure issues. (REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOME MIGHT THINK OF ME, I WAS FAITHFUL TO MY HUSBAND FOR 20 YEARS!) So, I began to research several times and would talk with him about the details of my find. He would act interested, and even state that he did need to see a Dr...... but he never went. Please know I love my husband with all my heart, but my flesh cried out for more. I soon found myself, surfing porn sites more and more often. It was a rush........ a fantasy that I could deal with. After all, I wasn't cheating. HOWEVER, before long, I found myself longing for more, much more. While surfing porn one night, a pop up ad came on screen stating "Life is Short, Have an Affair"....... Ashley Madison Adult site.... Before I knew it, I had created a profile and "put it out there" to see if there was any interest. Lo and behold..... I had many hits.... my ego grew to an astounding size and after a few weeks, started chatting....... then a month or so later, met my first one. To make the story short, I had several "affairs"....... I wanted just one, one I could connect with, who understood the needs I had, who was in the same situation..... Actually, most were in that same situation (or so they said). That's a different saga there. I would meet generally one at a time until I either decided they weren't my type, or I began to have feelings, at which time I generally BAILED QUICKLY. I wasn't out to fall in love. This rocked on for about a year or so and the guilt and shame piled on daily!!!!!! The idea that not only was I cheating, HE was cheating..... I couldn't risk losing my husband. I backed away from that for a few months. I began to feel the lonliness and emptiness once again. I had heard about the swinging lifestyle from one of the men I had met on the other site. After doing some research and keeping an "open mind", I created a profile there as well. I spoke to my husband about 6 weeks after meeting a few couples and speaking to them. He was rather baffled, but I told him it could spice up our sex lives..... he reluctantly agreed to try one of the "mingles". He was very concerned about his age and not being able to perform, etc. etc. Let's just say, he eventually backed out but stated that if I needed to do this, he would deal with it. Oh, and he FINALLY went to see the Dr. and was prescribed a medication to aid in his E.D., but only after I told him I wanted to continue.

I was angry. Sadly, I was angry. I felt he wasn't trying at all. I continued in this lifestyle for about another year. He went with me to several different functions, parties, cookouts, etc. It wasn't all about sex..... some yes, but most it was about friendship. Approximately a month or so ago, I had this gnawing feeling in my gut that it was just time to get out of it all. I talked to him and told him my decision... of course, he was happy and we agreed it was best for us. We needed to work on US. The VERY NEXT day, I broke out with herpes..... yes, herpes!!!! I was devastated, couldn't think, couldn't breathe.... I had to tell him. Called him home from work and we had our talk. While he was angry, hurt and every other emotion one would have, he hugged me and said we would work through it somehow. I tested the next day and confirmed the diagnosis. That day began a downward spiral of emotions, thoughts that were all over the page!! I had to confess...... my guilt was literally eating me alive.... both physically and emotionally. I contacted my Pastor and confessed..... all of it... all the details of my affairs to the swinging. I then told my husband of the affairs, fessed up on a few lies I had been stressing were the "truth".... etc. I just knew my life as I knew it was over. He would leave me. We spent much of that day doing nothing but staring off into space. The occasional conversation here and there. How was I ever going to forgive myself? I had done the unmentionable. How could I have been so stupid and selfish???????

Several hours passed and he stood up, told me to come to him.... I stood reluctantly, he again demanded I come to him. He took me in his arms and held me and said he forgave me. I all but collapsed in his arms with grief, tears, pain, guilt, shame.... every emotion you could imagine, I carried that day. We are one month into the "repair" stage of our marriage. I continue to carry the guilt and shame, though I am working on forgiving myself through prayer and mediation. I have repented, I'm diving back into the word, I'm in counseling with my Pastor.... I'm doing every thing I can to make sure my husband knows how much I regret my actions and the shear pain I caused him... and that I LOVE HIM!!

I signed up for a support group online, but am finding most there do not believe in God. My healing is only by the grace of God! I need support from other Christians who are willing to lend an ear now and again. I'm reaching out, confessing, hoping and praying for

[dema]

It sounds like you don't have a church. Churches tend to pull people in and get them involved. Church is a social group among other things. Of course you need to volunteer. But that is easy. Lots of opportunities in most churches. The non-denominational ones often have a lot of members who have done some crazy things.

If you get busy doing for others, you don't have time to think about your own problems so much.

I wouldn't confess this to people in a church.

I know you are forgiven - God forgives. He sent his son to die for your sins. And I know that your sins are no worse than other sins. In fact, from a human standpoint they are closer to victimless than most. But I have trouble relating and I am very liberal. I confessed a sin once to a Christian group who believed in confession of sins. And they couldn't relate to it. So, they said the right things but after that they were very stiff and quiet around me. Never rude - just stiff and quiet.

If you feel the need for total acceptance - well - know that God washes you clean. And no need to keep confessing. Really. Don't talk about this in a church. If you need to keep talking about it - probably need a counselor. They have counseling on line for $25 a month I think. talkspace.com Haven't tried it. But it had national newspaper articles about it and it is legit.

I'm sorry I'm not more warm and fuzzy. You are forgiven. You really are forgiven. I know that. But my brain wonders why you didn't join a nice church and at most have an affair with a neighbor or something. It is creepy from my point of view and that won't go away. God loves you very much. You belong in a fellowship of people who love God. Let them love you without making them have to work through the creepy. It isn't their business. God is the one who forgives.

[realtmg]

You have my prayers.
I love to here people express themselves.
I had to reach out also.
Honesty is Gods will.
You will surprised who will read this and will prat for you.
Thank you for this post.
God is Real and alive.
He hears us.
He has a plan for each of us.
Be still and listen what He says to you.
He will do wonders at His own timing.

GBU

Real>>>>>>