Confused and Conflicted

[dantyriverside]

Hi yall So here is my problem.... My wedding is in 6 weeks and I still dont have my dress. I sold my old truck to have the money to get a dress. My kids needed to borrow money for Rent. So I lent them 360.00 with the understanding that they would pay me back this past weekend. I explained to them "This is my wedding money I have to have it back." I got 20.00 and they told me how that is all they had. I understand that they are struggleing. I am actually fine...ok fine sometimes because I know that they are eating bologna sandwhiches and have been for the last few months since a roommate moved out without warning and left them with her half of the bills and my younger son lost his job. So they are relying on one income. But my depression has consumed me because I went last week to try on wedding dresses and I feel like not only will I never find one that I like that fits and once I do... I'm not gonna be able to afford it. So once again I have to call and reschedule my dress appointment because I dont have the money. What hurts is my son said "mom its not like we took money from you it was extra and besides you give us money every month anyway." Which I do lend them money and they pay me back but I am afraid this time I lent out more than they can pay back. I am so confused and conflicted. I am sad and angry all at the same time. I dont have the motivation to do anything today because I just feel so overwhelmed with ... well grief. I feel like I am grieveing a wedding that I want and until I lent out that money I knew I was gonna have. I know I sound pitiful so please forgive me I just need somebody to tell me that I am not crazy and that this will pass and I am gonna get outta this slump before my depression grabs ahold and wont let go. Please pray for me.

thanks
danty

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hello sis,
First I want to tell you I cannot stress enough that this is not a tongue lasing but a loving reminder
with that said

WAKE UP GIRL!!!
you ARE happy right??
you love him right???
I know you want this "dream" wedding and set up BUT is that going to make or break this union???
you can marry humble in a pair of blue jeans and t shirt and not be any less blessed

YOUR status......too blessed to be stressed
and at the bottom of your messages:
"Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them." Mark 11:24
Remember God loves you,

So you see you have all you need....you just need someone to show you
I pray you ARE blessed with the dress of your dreams BUT more so I pray you are blessed with a WONDERFUL marriage that last a lifetime (even if you marry in blue jeans)
May God show you the blessings of a happy marriage
Again I'm sorry if this sounds strong I don't mean it to be only to show you that you ARE blessed
Cuc

[dantyriverside]

Ok cuc so maybe I needed a wake up call. After all I am marrying the man of my dreams and God has BLESSED us to find each other. I guess I was feeling especially low this morning and couldnt see the silver lining for all the dark clouds. I felt like I was sinking in this dark hole and I knew if I hurried and reached out to yall God would give you the words of encouragement I needed to pull me up before I got so stuck that I felt helpless and hopeless. Those of you with major depression understand what I mean. One little set back can drop you off in a hole so deep it takes you weeks to crawl out of. Thats why I love yall so much I know I can come here and say and I get it. I encourage anyone and everyone who reads this and is hurting to reach out for love and support that I know OUR CO FAMILY will give. So I'll keep looking for a dress, cut my budget in half and lower my expectations. After all it is just going to be worn a few hours right??? Keep praying for me as I battle my anxiety and depression.


Thanks
danty

[Christnundrconstruxn]

awww danty I think my words come to you in a way I didn't want, I only wished for you to see that silver lining of marriage to a man you love and loves you no matter what you wear.

As for the depression I understand and I pray my words do not push you further into it, it is an ugly dark hole that I sometimes share with you , I'm sorry I should not have posted the first one please accept my appologies
I only ment well I promise.
The kid thing yes I know that feeling well too I have 3 that only know me when they need money or rides

Please do NOT give up just give it to God and see what happens, I pray He will bless you with the most beautiful dress AND wedding as well as the marriage of a lifetime.
Again please don't pay no attention to my words in the first note, I only wanted to lift you not hurt you more
Cuc

[dantyriverside]

cuc I took you words as lifting me up. I realized that it is just a dress and you were right. I love him and he loves me no matter what I wear. You did not push me further down. You gave me the words of love I needed. Please do not feel sorry or bad for the note you sent me it was just right. It reminded me of my blessing that I needed to remember that I had lost focus of. As for my depression what I was trying to say was that is why I quickly got online and reached out was so I could get help from my CO family before it became to late and I sank so far that I felt isolated. I know you understand the feeling. When you dont want to bother anyone with your problems but you are hurting so much you cant stop crying and nothing can cheer you up. I love the fact that you took the time to reach out to me. Thank you.

As for the kids humble and I had a long talk about them this afternoon. I was worried that because me constantly giving them money was putting a strain on our relationship or gonna put a strain on it and he being the wonderful man that he is.... says that there is no problem I was just worrying for nothing. He is bothered (I guess that's the best way to put it) that I am not gonna be able to go to my dress appointment because I gave them my wedding money. Anyway our discussion was maybe since my son said that...that next month I tell them I can only give them 100.00 and or I limit the amount that I can give them and I need to explain to them that giving them money is putting us in a bind when they dont honor their promises. The thing is I know if it were my middle son (the one who lost his job) he would do without to pay me back just to make sure I trusted him to lend him money again. That is why my oldest son got him to ask me for the money. So I guess I feel used by him and thats something new. We are so close it was like a punch in the stomach. I guess that was the start of my set back and it just kinda snowballed from there. You know what I mean? First its one little thing and before you know it you think of all the bad things going on in your life and forget about the blessings. So again I thank you. Thank you for reminding me to take the focus off the bad stuff and put it back on the good.

I just wanted to encourage others to reach out too and not to be afraid because they can find love here also and not to let the dark hole swallow them up and make them feel alone and worthless.

Keep praying for me
danty

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hang in there sis, He WILL provide
Cuc

[popples]

Hon cuc is right my wedding dress was made out of curtain material absolutly lovly dress cost 100 bucks, we have just had our 18year aniversary. Am praying for you.