Dont know why I am here anymore?( long, sad)

[graceames]

I have Good weeks and bad.
I found out abut 10 years ago. It would be almost impossible to have children.
Pregnant once and lost the baby. Tried some things. and no luck. So my husband and I said. If God wants us to have a child.
We will. * so here I am almost 40 no children* Adoption was too expensive. when we had some extra money.
My husband had some of his own demons we had to work out. Which he did.

Then we moved 13 hours away from all our family and friends to try to make a better life. and for a few years things were good, Then my husband was hurt and his job laid him off. and he was unable to walk for about 6 months.
and it wiped out our savings and his 401k. and our healthy insurance. I had to go off my anti depressants.

Thanks to God he was able to walk again and Got a new job. but with no savings we go paycheck to paycheck.
I have severe aniexty. Even thou we do have medical insurance now. Does not cover mental health. So I have to fight
the aniexty. I been reading and trying to stay close to God. My husband even thou he proclaims hes a catholic
never wants to go to church, I been a few times alone. But i always feel like im being watched like .. Why she alone? no family? and i look around and see all the happy families. and children, and almost cry every time.

So recently my aniexty has been giving me troubles at my job, and i was told mess up again your fired. If i lose my job I will lose everything. My house, mortage cant be paid.
What I cant understand is.. Why am I suffering so much.
No children, always scared and worrying. im so alone . NO real friends... and believe it or not. Im usually pretty positive.
I think im just so tired and getting worn out. Im ready for God to call me home.
I wont take my own life. But I tell him often, Im ready when you are.. I have nothing here and I see no hope for a future.
makes me laugh. everyone makes Heaven sound so wonderful. almost like.. HaHa you suffer here and we are having a great time elsewhere?

They say you make the mos of your life.. Well my hands are tied. I make too much for any assistance. but too little to
make it. Ive cut back on everything. * shug* I just dont know why I am on this earth. and that I ask often too.
I see no reason Im here.

Grace.

[dema]

Feel free to PM me if you just want to talk.

I feel for you so much. I cannot communicate how much I do feel for you. One suggestion is that you find a volunteer activity that you like. It will be hard. I understand about going to church alone. In one way it will be harder to volunteer, but in another it won't = because a lot of people aren't couples there. The best cure for your own misery is to help someone else's.

Many communities have lists of activities. You could help a child read - a friend met the same child at lunch once a week and read with her. She did that for several years. Or you could help in a soup kitchen or shelter. Sometimes they need people to just sleep there - maybe your husband would do that with you, I doubt that you would want to do it alone. Sometimes they just need someone to take a book and sit and read at a shelter. The shelter has to be manned. I do that four times a year. That's something else - some volunteer work can be very occasional, others need to be weekly.

I hated when my husband quit going to church. Every time I went 10 people would ask about him. Later we attended a different church, and when he quit going there they caught on a lot faster. When we divorced, I told a lady in the church and she hooked me up with a group of women. A couple of them are married. There may be a group like that, or you may be able to find a women only Bible study. They are looking for new people generally and are likely to be welcoming. My church is Presbyterian, but I know of Methodist and Catholic churches and others as well that have this kind of group. Most meet in the morning, but a few have evening sessions for women with a standard day job.

As far as the God part of the equation, the most important part, we need to LET God. And we need to see his footprints and thank him every time we do. Jesus died to do it for us. In reality, this is a very difficult idea. But I have found in my own life, that when I let it go for a while, it gets a lot better. Things happen. When I start thinking and calculating, it is like I choked the fountain of life. Put my foot on the hose. Letting God is both the easiest and the most difficult thing in the world.

If you can distract yourself with good things, then you won't be holding on so tight. And if you can thoughtfully thank God often, and show confidence towards him - things will get better. Actually, THINGS may not - because we are here to learn and grow - but YOU will learn and grow and your heart will get better. Letting go... such an impossible task. But God tells us to do it - so it must be possible - right? It is minute by minute. Quit worrying for 1 minute here and 2 minutes there. Put on a praise song and sing with it. Try to gather minutes.

And it WILL get better - YOU will get better. In your heart. In your faith.

[faith1]

Read your post today and I can identify with most everything you've said although I'm not married. I haven't been feeling blessed and I'm wondering what I did to deserve this. I have an anxiety disorder too and have been put through misery by this at times where I was put in work situations that increased my anxiety and made me sick and miserable. In times I just kept pushing myself forward trying to handle the situation but wondering why God was allowing me to go through all this difficulty. It seems like whenever I try to move forward and do something people try to mess it up on me and cause me more problems. I bought a house and my father was very difficult to me about this and my "friends" just were showing up to cause problems and to mess things up on me.So now I feel alone, frustrated, angry and not blessed. I'm really compassionate caring person to others but I don't get this back and others tend to act meanly back. I've talked to others because I am so confused about what is going on and need to sort it out. Often I think what are the plans God has for my life because I just don't see them. However, that is what faith believing when you don't see. I try to remind myself that God has good plans for your life and that no matter what happens God is ultimately in control!

[graceames]

Thank you for your replies.
I feel so alone some days.

My husband is not a bad man. He just thinks he can make religion work his way. and not the way it ment to.
God Has helped me in many many many ways. My fears have gotten a little better.. and not all the time..
but when they hit im almost paralyzed.
people think i dont like other people and dont want to belong ( just an example) and its nothing to do with it.
I try to explain sometimes. But i think they think its an excuse.

I try.. I try. and I try.. and I would NEVER take my own life.. but like i said. I ask all the time. Why exactly am I here?
75% of time im positive. and i find a way to be positive.. but when I get hit with the depression. so horrible. i cry and cry.
I think often of my child I lost * miscarriage* and I think how bad i wanted that child.

but i go on... I know there are so many others who suffer more than I.. and I cant believe how many people think i am such a strong person * I am great at hidin*
I dont even know which church to go back to Catholic where i was raised? we were not married in a catholic church dont have the money to get re married * already looked into that* and according to the catholic faith not married in a church not married and im sinning.. IM very lost to where I even belong.

Again, I appreciate the kind replies. Made me feel better.. knowing there is people who care..
Have a blessed Sunday
Grace

[dema]

There are many churches. Finding one to fit in can be an ordeal. You might try Episcopalian or Lutheran. I heard the Lutherans use the same prayer and service calendar as the Catholics. And I think some of both have women's studies. I mention these because they are similar to Catholic services. Also, I imagine you can be married in the Catholic or another church without much expense if you just put on nice clothes and say your vows in front of the priest and two witnesses. You don't have to have the whole show to get married in a church.

God bless you.

[Ruthk34]

I had spent a lot of years going to church with just my kids. So I know how you feel on that matter. I just kept praying that one day he would join me in church. It took at least 5 years I believe before he came and even then it was sporadic but now we all go together on a regular basis. So be patient and keep on praying.

I had anxiety in the past,the first time I was in highschool (sophtmore yr) and it went on for over a year. It took me that long to discover that the source of my anxiety came from evil spirits. The worst part was that I had unkowingly invited them in during a sleepover party I had. One of my friends used to play with a witch board, she wanted to bring it to the party but was unable to but that didn't stop her from trying a sayance. We thought it was just a fun game to scare each other but boy did it mess me up! Finally I sought the Lords help to eradicate those evil spirits from my life and it worked, my anxiety and evil whispers were gone for good. The second bought of anxiety I had was because of my job when I was 22. I couldn't stand it, the anxiety made me a different person. I was short tempered which I had never been before among other things. In the end I realised that I was not were God wanted me to be so he was making me uncomfortable where I was to get me to leave my job for something better. The new job I got I have been at for 9 yrs now and have been very happy with it. So to help with your anxiety try to find out what it's source is so you can find the right way to get better.

As for why you are here? Well, we all ask ourselves that at some point or another. Think on this. If you were not here how many things would be different? Your life has an impact on everyone you come into contact with. What if you are ment to testify to someone and they get saved? If you were not here they may not have been saved. Or what of people that you may have been a help to. Who else would have been there for them? Sometimes the things we do have influence on others that we are not aware of even. Each one of us has a purpose even if we can't see what it is.

God Bless you and
My prayers are with you.