Emo Diary

[kimberly]

OK- God asked me to keep a diary of my emotions, what better forum than this? Hehe, you are going to see my life in an emotional light. I don't know if this will be helpful or not- I will probably learn, anyway.

God worked with me long and hard to get to a place where I am in better control of my emotions- to get me in an even, level place. He helped me understand it is my responsibility to stay close enough to the Holy Spirit, that I check with Him before anything pops out of my mouth. It's kind of like an internal Spellcheck- only Emo check, :D.

I know the Word of God plays a huge part in this. My mind had to be wiped clean of all the negative thoughts, and then stocked with His thoughts. Every time I thought something negative, I had a list of scriptures I would read. Well, one or two at a time anyway. I s'pose lots of you have done that.

So, this could get interesting. I am laying it all out there---during our recent move, irritation has crept back in, and I know the reason, and am correcting it. I want to catch it before it turns into anger. I refuse to return to Stupid Land, where I lived before I met Jesus.

I will meet you here tomorrow for the first diary day. Until then, be Even Tempered, I am gonna try :D. Love y'all, Kim

[kimberly]

Dear Emo Diary, Day 1

I overslept this morning, and missed the usual time I have always spent with God. By the time I awoke, it was time to make coffee, start breakfast, and the granddaughter was here. While making breakfast, I got irritated about something said to me by Craig. Doesn't matter what it was, or the situation, I popped off something smart in 'that' tone. I quickly apologized, but once it's out of the mouth, the damage is done.

I don't know why I get so irritated at questions where the answer is so obvious. And, it's really only my hubby who can do that to me. I remain calm, nice and peaceful to others- which is Very Hypocritical-I know. I should be the MOST loving and caring towards him.

I know that I am not getting the quiet time with God I used to. My scedule in this new place we now live is all mixed up. Mornings are impossible. Even if I get up at 6 am, that will be the morning Craig 'can't sleep in'. Then, everything revs up from there. Daughter is in and out,and I'm not alone til noon. SO- things will have to change.

I suspect God is doing this for His reason, I know I could stand to be more flexible. I am in constant conversation with Him on the inside, but I miss the period of time where I can read, pray and fellowship- everyday, sometimes more than once. I don't have to miss it, just change it.

My bible has come open to Micah four times in a row, so I guess I better read it! :D After chapter 1 I asked God what he had to teach me, for I know darn well, there is a lesson He wants to relate to my life. This is what I love the most- His instruction for me.

Here is what He said to me concerning Micah 1 and my current situation: "When emotions are allowed to rule and reign as gods in your life, they get all the power, glory, and honor. Reacting with a mean answer without considering Me is like worshiping an idol- It is more important to you to let that emotion have it's way than to consider My ways, and if you do it often enough, Kim, you allow those emotions to take you captive and have control over you."

O My. O MY. I realize now I am not only breaking a commandment, I am beginning the process of removing myself from God. I don't want emotions to rule my life again- they did a cruddy job the first time. So, Emo, I repented, I will take communion after I have fully thought about it all, and above all, I'll pray.

Here's my confession today:
I cease from anger,I forsake wrath,
I do not fret myself- it tends only to evil doing.
[adapted from Psalm 37: 8]

Thanks for listening. See ya tomorrow. Kim

[Mackenaw]

Awesome, Kimberly.

Agape

[kimberly]

Dear Emo Diary, day 2-

I had a great day today with my family. Big cookout with all of us there. Early this am, I had the chance to take offense at some comments, but didn't! Some days, I am so close behind the Holy Spirit, He must feel me breathing down His neck. :D

I relate today's success to being able to have some quiet time this morning before everything got started. I spent time in praise and worship, and asked God to please guard my mouth , and keep watch at the door of my lips! I was slow to speak when I felt offense poking me, and that gives me time to think of what I am supposed to do.

The 2nd chapter of Micah revealed more truth about my problem today. If I am just falsely saying niceties, and not meaning them, pretending to be alright with the way things are said, but after the person walks away, I murmer and mutter things under my breath- then I am as the false prophets are. They said what people wanted to hear so they would be well-liked. They exchanged their words for money, food, and drink.

I confess I am a mutter-er. I have my say, even if it is after someone walk away. This is a big no-no. The bible is plain about what is in the heart being what defiles a person. I am a total liar if I say one thing to the face of a person, then another when they are out of earshot. In Proverbs chap. 6:16-19, it says to God, lying is right up there with murder and slander. So, muttering has to go.

Especially if I am lying about how I FEEL about another person. Does that mean I am lying about how I feel about God Himself? (God feels the same about everyone, and I am striving to be like Jesus, right?) Can I choose how I feel? Oh, I am going to have to do some searching the Word and praying. I suspect that my human nature makes me susceptible to things the Most High is not, but can I choose to feel differently? Can I renew my mind to this? I think so, but mostly I think it is a Spirit thing!

"It's just a Spirit thing,
it's just a Holy nudge,
it's like a circuit judge in the brain,
it's just a Spirit thing,
it's here to guard my heart,
it's just a little hard to explain.

(taken from the Newsboys 'Spirit Thing'

Thanks for the ear- check in tomorrow.
Love, Kim

[kimberly]

Dear Emo Diary, day 3-

This was a good day too, not because I did such a great job of it, but because those around me did. It seems when I am a little lacking, they make up for me. I believe that's how it should be- all of us bringing what we have to share with others. When I was a little short on patience today, my hubby was a little long on it , . When he missed it, I let it go. I prayed this am and asked God to help me not to have any attitude today. "don't let me take offense at his tone, Lord." Sometimes it is not what's said, but the tone with which it is said. But it is ALWAYS my choice to be offended or not.

Micah chap. 3 today. I had to read it twice. The Holy Spirit has so much to say thru His Word. Today I learned from Him concerning my attitude, that when I snipe and speak meanly to those who love me, it tears at their emotional well-being. It is like stripping them of good feelings they might have for me. It also demeans them, and makes them feel bad. It is a perversion of God's justice, and like being an 'emotional cannibal'.

Wow. That woke me up. More and more, God is bringing what I have hidden and thought of as 'not much wrong' into the Light. Ouch. I need some shades, . Sin in the Light is ugly, and I don't like how it looks on me.

But I also understand this- it is not enough for me to want' to change, I have to hunger and thirst after righteousness. That means, praying yes, but action too. I need a plan, Emo! It's time to bear a little fruit on this thing.

He satisfies the thirsty, and fills up the hungry. (Psalm107:9)

Thanks. Be back tomorrow with a plan from Him :D Kim

[kimberly]

Dear Emo Diary, day 4-

God has given me a plan to keep my frustration and irritation away, and to bemore of who He wants me to be. When I asked Him for it, He said only this: "O taste and see that the Lord is good." Well, I also was led to read 2nd Samuel 6+7. It is a story I absolutely love, because it speaks of how David not only was in fearful awe of God, but so joyous that he danced through the streets. I understand that not only do I need to humble myself, but that I must put praise and worship of God to the forefront.

This is something I will have to lose some inhibition over, . I speak the Word aloud, I sing with my cd's, I praise Him with words, but God wants a different level here, I know. I am going to have to cut the pride and do whatever He asks, and it may not be the same each time. Gonna be a trip, I can tell that, .

Micah 4 today, sweet redemption. Whenever God chastens and instructs me, He always offers redemption. His love and mercy are everlasting and faithful.

I have a blessing from Him as of yesterday---a little garden spot on my back porch- not even a porch, really- a 5 by 8 concrete piece. But it is full of flowers, two chairs, a tiny table for tea- and in the yard right by it- a fountain. It is like a mini flower garden, and perfect for reading the Word, praying,and being with Him. I love it. I was out there at 6:30 this morning, listening to the water bubble, the birds sing, and enjoying the fact that I was there. He was there too, I know it.

My prayer of thanks to God today is this:

Thank you Father, for helping me to bear fruit. I humble myself and do whatever you ask of me. Thank you for Jesus, who is my joy and peace. In Jesus name, amen.

Thanks for being here. See you tomorrow. Kim

[kimberly]

Dear Emo Diary, days 5+6-

I bet you thought I forgot you, didn't you Emo? No way, computer has been down due to storms!

Day 5 was super wonderful, spent the day with mom, sis, daughter and granddaughter. Didn't blow it at all til evening!

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, your someone is determined to be upset or have an arguement? I stay calm and matter of fact, and I am still in trouble! Lol, some days...but it got resolved, after all.

Day 6- not so fortunate. Somehow, I am responsible for him feeling bad about himself. I don't know where or how I did that, but God does. In any case, he feels badly, and I am unaware, which is a problem itself. So I step up the praying for him and us, which I confess had fallen down some. Somewhere I can do more to make him feel like he is loved- even though ooey gooey stuff is not my strong suit LOL.

To me, love is action- I cook for you, wash your clothes, make sure this person gets called for that, pay that bill, keep the house reasonably straight, etc. But people need far more than that- and in the samer way, words are not enough by themselves. How interesting---life imitates the gospel. Not enough to just say, have to walk your talk.

I am still on Micah 5, what a wonderful prophesy of the Messiah, of victory, and of the end of evils! This is a Word for me, I receive it- even though there are trials, if I stay with Jesus, I will win. Again, I have to be careful of turning seemingly good things into idols.

My praise and worship included keeping my mouth shut today, . Ain't THAT hard? No smart comebacks, no accusations, no bickering. NADA. Hehehe, this is really hard on my flesh. But that's what it's about, putting the flesh under rule of the Holy Spirit. It's like nails on a blackboard at the time, but well worth it. The Holy Ghost soothes my soul.

Catch you tomorrow, Emo.....thanks for hearing me. Love, Kim

[kimberly]

Dear Emo Diary,

Maybe I should quit numbering my days, at least through the stormy season! Any way.......

I've been doing pretty well the last couple of days, of course, this is due to the fact that I have been keeping my needless opinions to myself as I silently remind myself, 'Hear, for I will speak of excellent things, and the opening of my lips shall be for right things.' (Proverbs 8:6) It makes me pause and think about what I am about to say, will it benefit the person I am talking to? Will it cause strife instead? We are to only speak those things to others that will 'edify' (benefit and teach) or build up a person - in truth of course. It causes me to be slow in answering sometimes, but that's been to MY benefit so far, .

And I have learned once again, Emo, that my opinion is not always necessary, and I don't have to always be right! Why is there any harm in letting others have THEIR opinions? It is not my job to change anyone, that is the Holy Spirit's job, bless Him!

I have finished Micah, and am greatly impressed by these scriptures:

Micah 6:8- 'He has shown you, o man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy,and to humble yourself, and walk humbly with your God?'
God is not impressed with meaningless, for-show sacrifices. (verse 7) He isn't into me praying big and long about my problem- He is well aware of it- before I was, .I don't need to play the 'martyr card' with Him either. No martyrs (of the Emo kind) with God. I found out I had a problem, I said I wanted to fix it, then I better put my money where my mouth is, and DO something! Thanks, Father! :D He has been leading the way for me.

God wants me to be kind and merciful to others. When I retort, am mean mouthed, or smart-alecked, that's not kindness. When I refuse to allow myself to 'drop it' or 'get over' an arguement, forgiving the other person, AND me- that's not mercy.

When I put my own desire or wants in front of God's,that's not being humble. Yet, according to verse 8, these are God's requirements. Gave me such a reason to think.

Micah 7:7,8- 'But as for me, I will look to the Lord, and confident in Him, I will keep watch.I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.
Rejoice not against me, O my enemy! When I fall, I shall arise, when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light to me.'
If I bring my trouble to God, and trust He will deliver me, if I 'keep watch' by doing what I know I should, if I 'hope' by speaking out my faith, if i 'expect' to see results- THEN, although I have fallen, I 'arise', by listening to God, and obeying Him. Although I might be in the darkness of trouble, He is my answer- my light to dispell the dark.

Halleluia, Emo! I think I see a bud on the Self-Control tree, . Now, to keep watering and fertilizing..... :D

Wonder what my next studying assignment is? I am ready! See ya soon, Emo. Thanks for being here. Kim

[kimberly]

Dear Emo Diary--

I DO have a weird reading assignment from God, Ecclesiastes. I have always thought of this book as the downer of the bible, a real hard sell, . But I know God has put it in for a reason, so I will find out what it has for me.

I've always heard people say it tells how tough life is on earth without God in the picture, but so far, the book hasn't said anything like that. The first chapter talks of how all of God's creation goes about it's business- the sun, the wind, the rivers- day in, day out. The earth goes on as God wills. Man goes about his work and life, but his wants and desires are never satisfied- he wants more and more. It declares that there is nothing new under the sun- and if it seems as thought there is, it is because our memories are short.

It speaks of life being a mere vapor- how true! More and more I am considering, when something comes up I am tempted to get aggravated about- what is important here? Better yet, what is important to God here?

Solomon says 'in much wisdom is grief'. I don't believe it is wisdom he thinks is sorrowful, but thinking you are overly wise that is the pitfall.

Emo, I have done well the past few (2?) days, by keeping my mouth under control. When irritation tempts me, I am thinking the Word to myself, saying it out loud when I can. Now, next step is learning to say something encouraging to the other person- AND MEAN IT!!! :D Talk about a flesh pressin' party!:O

I feel my spirit growing, and my little flesh man has an Alvin voice right now. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOO God rules!

So far, no word on how this is applying to me, but I know God has a plan. I will hear from Him soon as He is ready. Yay!

Catch ya soon, Emo. Thanks for listening. Kim

[kimberly]

Dear Emo Diary

FLASHBACK!!! LOL. In the 60's The Byrds had a song hit called "Turn,Turn Turn" It was in part a song that used words from Ecclesiastes 3. Reading the poem in chapter three brought the song to mind. Hehehe, bet the man walking by this morning as I was reading and laughing is still wondering. I like sitting outside and reading early in the morning, makes me feel as though only God and I are awake.

Chapter 3 of Eccl.- the poem talks of how everything has an appointed time. God has planned the time for things, and man cannot alter that. Time is in God's hands, and when things occur is up to Him. Solomon is distressed by the amount of time he spent on earthly things that have no heavenly value. He also is mindful that EVERYTHING is a gift from God--even a man's labor. It seems God's plan is that man enjoy all that God has for a man--even his work.

I have learned to ask for His plan in my life, Emo- He is the Great Planner, and I can't come up with anything to compare to what He has for me. I have tried being in the driver's seat- it's like driving down the middle of the road with no hands on the wheel. And NO insurance either. AAAAAAAAH. I am more than happy to let the Holy Spirit drive, and let me have a peek at the map now and then, .

But seriously, sometimes it is difficult to obey what God wants me to do---my selfish self wants IT'S way....but I know His way will be better if I will just do it. I have seen it time and time again. It's hard to keep my mouth closed at times, but the more I do it, the more peace I have.

My immediate struggle involves this--- I have a hard time with some of what my husband watches on TV. I think it contributes to the frustration and self esteem problems he has. You can't feel built up by that kind of language, or the violence. But I can't say much, because God has told me it's not up to me---it's up to Him. I can't watch with him, though. I just can't. What exactly do I do, God?


I hear God telling me not to put much time into things, it is the people he has given me in this life that are important. A legacy is not the 'stuff' I leave behind on the earth, but who I have planted seeds with. People are not truly comforted by things, but by the time I have invested, and the love I have shared. I feel I need to be about my Father's business.

My spirit grows stronger as long as I stay connected to the power source. My emotions stay level as long as I am listening to Him. I like that peace.

Thanks for the ear, Emo. Be back soon. Kim

[kimberly]

Dear Emo diary,

This morning God had a real talk with me, I have to share with you. I have been reading Ecclisiastes, but this morning opened to Matthew 26:57. Jesus has been arrested, and the 3x denial of Peter follows. I was thinking, wow, would've hated to be that guy,and heard God say in my spirit, "you have been". That stopped me still. I asked, "God, how have I been like Peter? I've never openly denied Jesus!" He answered, "Do you say, 'I know Him'?" "Yes, of course!" "When you choose anger towards another, you deny Him. When you act out of ill will, you deny Him. In a thousand ways, you have denied Him."

Ah, how sad that made me! My actions have denied Him.My angry words have denied Him. My thoughts of hurt towards someone have denied Him.

I never considered it before. I HAVE denied Jesus in many ways- worldly ways. But, there is hope for me, as there was for Peter. When Jesus met Peter again, he asked him 3x, did Peter love Him (Jesus). Peter affirms his love and loyalty to Jesus 3x. So, 3x, Jesus offers the forgiveness and redemption Peter needs.

I am blessed with this way of repentence as well. Every morning I can meet Him, tell Him of my love for Him, ask forgiveness, and receive it! Everyday, I can keep in constant company with Him. God brings things to my mind not to punish me, but to remind me of the Grace and Mercy available to me daily.

Just wanted to share with you, Emo. Back soon, Kim

[kimberly]

Dear Emo Diary,

It's been a few days, and life has been calm and peaceful. I am diligent in my pursuit of Him and His Word, it convinces me that it makes a difference. ( So does a whole day spent together without arguing, ) I am re-building a portion of my faith that had shrunk a little due to neglect.

I am still slogging through Ecclesiastes, . I can't say it will ever be a favorite book of mine, but as 2nd Timothy 3:16 says, "Every scripture is God- breathed, and profitable for teaching,reproof, and conviction of sin.......training in righteousness." Well, it certainly has been for me! The recurring theme of Solomon seems to be how fatal it is for even the wisest of men to substitute man's 'wisdom' for God's wisdom.

In his talk of youth and old age, Solomon is convinced youth is better than an 'old, foolish king'. Duh. But the thing is, we are not to be spiritually lacking in our older years, no spiritual exhaustion, or moral decay, as in Solomon's case. Christianity calls us to make our later years even better than our earlier in God's wisdom, his righteousness, and be able to teach and guide the younger in Christ. NO FOOLS, baby! LOL.

Well, that's chapter 4. I think God is having me take a slower run at this book to make sure I absorb it.There are many examples of 'how-not-to's' in this one, I have surely felt the mirror a time or two.

In Emotion Management last Tues, we started on the 91st Psalm. I am still meditating on the word "dwell" from the first verse. Someone suggested a negative of the word, and I have been thinking how true it is, I can negatively 'dwell' on all the wrong things if I let my mind wander. I have to conciously drag it back to where I want it to dwell- with the Lord. I found out this is most important to keeping my heart full of the right emotions, and my thoughts on good things. THAT is "dwelling in the secret place of the Most High" for me. Keeping my thought life under control- NOT dwelling on wrong stuff that pulls me away from Him, and from being like Him. Purposely making an effort to keep my mind on right things. It does affect my emotions so much! Thanks, Holy Spirit for your infinite wisdom.

I will check in with you soon, Emo. thanks for listening. Kim