The positive pole of self–destruction: SACRIFICE

[helenau]

Can anybody tell me that I deserve respect, care, love, and protection?

Can anybody tell me that I am allowed to prioritize my needs now since I prioritized others' needs in my first 25 years, given that I have been depressed for 30 years and am suffering from PTSD due to childhood trauma with no care and help?

I have been isolating myself for 1 year. This is the only way I can protect myself.

Can anybody tell me that God will set me free eventually?

[helenau]

Of course, I've been through the negative stuff: suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, emotional disorder, ADD, ADHD, mild autism, social phobia...

I need care and understanding, but all I received has been criticism and blame.

I understand that most of the harm was unintentional, but it hurt and still hurts.

I lose hope.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Helenau

God bless you this day.

I began typing a response to you, and then without warning, I lost the entire message that I had typed. Sadly, time does not allow me to retype it right at this moment, but I wanted to let you know that I've been praying for you, and I will be typing a more in-depth response to you as soon as time allows.

Hang in there Helenau. Jesus is Lord and He loves you so very much.

For now, please enjoy the following song: "You Make Me Feel Brand New" as performed by Simply Red. It is a remake of a song from way back. If I were to sing a song to The Lord God for what He has done in my life, it would be this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PssiJ9ywc0g


In Christ Jesus' love,
Mack

[dema]

Emotional hurt is as serious as physical hurt. Even though it doesn't always show. Please read Romans 8, and read it often. God loves you so much.

When a person has been hurt, she develops certain behaviors - perhaps trained by her abuser. I was abused by a husband and find that I do certain things based on that previous abuse even though it has been years now. I know about it. And my current husband knows about it. So we get through it quickly.

An example is that sometimes a person will agree to everything because in the past she had to or be abused. But she still agrees to everything. So people asking a simple questions will end up getting her to over commit because she doesn't no how to say no and feels she has to say yes all the time or she will be abused. She then sees normal people asking normal questions as being abusers - when they aren't. They just expect her to say a simple yes or no.

Expecting God to miraculously heal you is about equal to expecting him to put a broken bone back in your skin and line it up and then fuse it and heal the skin. It can happen. But it isn't the normal response to prayer. So, how do you get better? You read about people in your situation. You learn about the behaviors you may have developed in response to abuse. Perhaps you go to a self help group. Perhaps you get counseling. Perhaps you find a friend online to talk through the problems - be careful with that. One thing the abused tend to think is that someone is normal out there. There are normal questions and normal behavior for a situation, but down deep we've all been hurt and that hurt tends to show up somewhere. And actually, the people who have had the least hurt are often cruel by their total cluelessness.

You can get better and you can learn to be around people and have relationships and set limits so that the rewards you get are much greater than the pain.



Mack, a lot of times on this if you hit the back button on your computer it will come back.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Helenau,

God bless you this day.

I invite you to a new way to seek your healing. Perhaps you'll add it to the mix that you are currently using, but either way ...I hope you'll give this new way an earnest chance.

No one knows you the way that your Creator does, and He (God Almighty) is ready and willing that you seek Him for all your needs. There is a 14 day study on this site called COOL Confidential Christian Counseling (CCCC) Study. Those that have committed their time and full effort to partake of the study have benefited greatly -- myself included. The study teaches how to seek The Lord, how to listen for Him, and also how to apply the Truth (The Word of God), shared within the study, to our everyday lives.

Here is a link to the study: http://www.christianityoasis.com/cccc/forum.htm

By the way...COOL, as in COOL Confidential Christian Counseling, means Christianity Oasis OnLine. Just a little fact I thought I'd share.

Now that I've shared all that, I want to let you know that I can relate to all the "feelings" you are going through right now. All, except for feelings relating to being too thin. I've never been too thin. When I first came to this site in October 2005, I was very depressed and had basically dealt with overwhelming depression for 40+ years. And, while I'm still tempted by the devil to think negatively, I've learned to seek The Lord to overcome the temptations.

I'm praying for you, Helenau. I won't hijack your post or bore you with all the details of my life, but I, and others, are here if you want to continue the written correspondence. I truly hope you'll give the CCCC Study a try.

God bless and keep you,
Mack

[mlg]

Hi Helenau,

God Bless you this day! It sounds like you have a lot of hurt and suffering in your life. I know you want freedom from all the pain. The answer to your question is Yes, God can set you free from all of this. But, you have to allow Him to do so. One of the biggest gifts God gives us is the ability to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean what someone did to us was right or should have been allowed. Forgiveness actually sets us free from the burden of carrying around the pain, and basically sets us free from that pain. When we forgive someone, we are claiming not to allow what they did to us to continue to cause us harm. Forgiveness will bring peace. I know that's hard to do...especially when someone harms us so deeply....but it can happen if you allow God to guide you through the steps of doing so.

My prayers are with you. May God bring you the peace you seek.

Take care

[Taryn]

Can anybody tell me that I deserve respect, care, love, and protection?

Can anybody tell me that I am allowed to prioritize my needs now since I prioritized others' needs in my first 25 years, given that I have been depressed for 30 years and am suffering from PTSD due to childhood trauma with no care and help?

I have been isolating myself for 1 year. This is the only way I can protect myself.

Can anybody tell me that God will set me free eventually?

Helenau, you DO deserve all of that. I've been through some experiences that left me with severe anxiety, depression, and some other things. I've found that talking to (almost) anyone helps. Talk to God. Talk to your friends here. Let Him and us carry your burden so you can heal.

[helenau]

Brothers and sisters, please allow me to share my story as a ritual of releasing myself after struggling for 30 years. Would you please share your thoughts, how would you feel if you experience out of these, help me understand if my feelings are reasonable and how much distance I need to walk from the abnormal zone to the normal zone. Help me process these experiences.

Please allow me to pretend to be someone else and tell the story. Helen was the result of their violation of China's family planning. Local culture values boys more. She grew up in a dark, wet basement. At age 2, she got burned to her face and hands when she was left at home alone. She wished people could comfort her, but all she received was tough love, harsh criticism and blame whenever she made a mistake. This dysfunctional communication style has been circulating in the family. She had to isolate herself to protect herself and tried not to cause any trouble. Soon she had CBD and ADD and could not focus at school. She was discriminated at school and had no friends. She started to have developmental delays(mainly cognitive and communication skills)and misperceptions about herself, others and the world. At age 6, her mother had schizophrenia, often threatened and beat her in hallucination episodes. She didn't cry. She took whatever happened to her because she didn't know what to do. One night, she heard a loud noise, before she could realize, she was beat by a stick to her legs. Her mother left. She then fell asleep in terror. At age 10, her toes were injured and bleed a lot when she helped with harvest work. She was so scared of being blamed than dying that she secretly wrapped her toes with a dry but unsterilized cloth. At age 12, her mother was injured in the brain in a fight with another woman. She had to ran to her aunt for help and sent her mother to hospital. Back home, she comforted her younger sisters and fell asleep in terror. She didn't cry. At high school, she started to have sleeping problems. In young adulthood, she had eating and emotional disorders because of stress and anxiety. In 2006, an online friend introduced Jesus to her. She started to learn to be a good person. In 2009, she had suicidal thoughts and stood at the gate of a church, didn't know what to do. She had no friends in real life. She took medication and moved on, never went back. In her free time, she started to restudy the 9–year basic educational courses. In 2011, she had serious insomnia, couldn't sleep for 4 days in a roll, and had to take medication for the whole year. In 2012, She had to stay in hospital alone for two months during Spring Festival, in order to fix the damages caused by the fire and get a stable job, but she couldn't hold that stable job or any other full time job because of several recurrences of depression. So she had to rely on part-time jobs to survive. She had more time to study. She also tried to mingle with people, but was unable to maintain any relationship. She has to isolate herself again. In 2015, she finished her study plan and had complete common knowledge. She corrected the developmental delays and misperceptions. She finally woke up. As she digged out more memories, she felt an overwhelming sense of sorrow and terror. Her depression worsened. She lost lots of weight. She had vitamin B/C deficiency, fatigue, allergic reactions, and inflammation. She was sick at home for one year in 2016, couldn't walk out of her neighborhood. She couldn't work and almost finished her savings. Last August, she looked for hope, thought of Christianity, understood the truth through lots of readings, and finally converted to a Christian. God's words increased her strength and wisdom. She prayed and waited and could not go to church until last December. She was still too weak and had to sit on the floor of the subway carriage on her way to church. She thought everything started to get better. This January, her mother died and she didn't know how to make of it. Her mother was a caring and gentle woman. What if her mother was treated fairly? What if she woke up earlier? What if she could protect her mother? She started to get lumb and isolate herself. She started to relive the past memories constantly. She can't pretend to be happy any more. She can't smile any more. She is imprisoned by sorrow and terror. She is terrified at seeing any family member, because it only makes her psychotic. One more step, she goes incapacitating. She's having P. T. S. D. She is taking medication again. She needs to seek for comfort and protection for that child. She needs more positive feedback and support to help her eliminate sorrow.

[dema]

God heals. You have experienced that. But, I'm trying to speak wisely, the concepts are difficult. God made laws for this earth. A miracle is God breaking the laws of this world in order to accomplish his will. Miracles are, and should be, rare. I have seen small miracles. I have seen large things happen that were unlikely and had been influenced by prayer. I see what I call God hugs - unexpected blessing in response to a conversation I had from God. A pretend example is to have prayed thanking God for red flowers and all day long, everywhere you go, you see red flowers, including in places that don't usually have flowers. I call those God hugs.

I am sorry you were hurt. I think talking in the third person was wise. The hurt little girl is inside of you still. There are things you can do to help her - what did she want to do when she was little that other children did and she could not? Did you wish for crayons and a coloring book? Coloring can be very helpful to adults whose child never got to be a child.

Read the Bible - it is available at Biblegateway in most language - and learn comforting scriptures. They post comforting scriptures often. Read studies here on this site - there are many good ones.

There are good and bad forces in this world. Satan is real. And the bad forces will throw thoughts at your head. Learn when this is happening. Prepare a book or a file of good thoughts. When the bad thoughts come, get out the good thought book and read. If you like red flowers, paste red flowers in your book. Put good thoughts of your mother - but maybe you want a separate book for that. It sounds like thinking of her can bring many bad thoughts as well. So maybe you only want to look at that at certain times. Making the good thought books on the computer or in a notebook can be very helpful in itself. Add to it when something good happens.

Making yourself pick it up can be hard. Generally, you need to pick it up as you are sliding down. Stop the slide.

You had real pain, lots of it. Give yourself a break. Look around and see where you are. You asked for help so you are better than 2016. Praise the Lord you are better than you were. Celebrate good things. Minimize the bad.

Sometimes I have to remind myself - I am allowed to be blessed. Allow yourself. Give permission to yourself to be weak. Give yourself permission to accept help. Give yourself permission to sit in a rocking chair with a doll and rock her.

Talk to God. God loves you. This happened because of free will. Jesus wept. I'm sure Jesus wept at what was happening to you. Talk to God.

[dema]

I didn't understand until later. You were like Moses. Your mother hid you away until you were two so you wouldn't perish. It is difficult to imagine.

[Taryn]

helenau, I just want to say that you're not alone. Reaching out to people, even online, after being isolated for so long is a BIG step. I have a mantra that I tell myself every day as a way to help myself become better, and it helps some. Maybe you could try doing something similar to help you start believing that you ARE worthy.

[mlg]

Hi Helenau,

God Bless you for sharing your story. I know it wasn't

easy. I think what you are going through is a normal struggle when you haven't found complete healing from your past pain. Often painful memories are embedded deep in ones mind, and in order to remove those memories, you have to look towards the hope of a new beginning. A fresh start that no longer allows the past to control who you are in the present or the future. As I was reading, I could feel the need within you to find that true reset again and again. Just know that through Jesus you are on the right path. You can't go wrong with Jesus leading your steps. Whenever the past comes into your mind, turn your thoughts to the good things Jesus has for you. Turn your thoughts to what He would want you to think about. Check out this Bible verse....it tells us just what we should think about.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Helenau, you are among friends here at the Oasis. We care about you. My prayers are with you.

Take care