personality disorder

[stillstanding]

so im not sure if this is the right form to post in since i am posting about myself instead of someone else....but anyways...

im trying to understand all this stuff. my "disorders" were diagnosed a long time ago. and i have lived in the denial stage a long time praying that God would fix me, but not doing /changing anything on my part.so here i am now, with my disorders seeming to worsen as i get older and still not having a clue about who i really am.

i am a chosen child of God. This I know. but i am incomplete. i believe He will put me together according to His sufficient Grace. but i know i hafta continue to seek Him and pray without ceasing. He will show me the things i need to remember and i will let Him choose. \o/

He is so faithful. He led me to Oasis to first learn to trust and love. and i am. \o/ i hafta grow. growing means letting go and letting God. and i am. the stuff i have given to Him i haven't gone back for and i pray for strength not to. the enemy lies and i can still hear his whispers occasionally but Holy Spirit is faithful in directing my thoughts to God. He is my comfort, amen.

i dont know how i will become whole, but I'm trusting Him to continue His work in me to make me what He has created me to be. but these holes...im swiss cheese. there are things in my brain that are broken...for reals, broken. things that counseling meds and therapy cant fix...God can. God can do anything. Is that what He wants? Is that His will? i dont know the will of God. i want His perfect will for me. my broken brain is what causes weird things - things that make no rational sense - to make my anger/rage to surface. im learning to control it/stifle it. but i cant make new neural pathways in my brain. the "controlling" is soooooo hard. it makes me run to the quiet place and hide and cry and pray and cry more. but i hafta. it is ruining the lives of people i love. my rage takes over me and causes me to hurt others. but im not strong enough to fight it every time it comes out.

there is so much destroyed brain. memories that my brain overwrites...i kind of see it as a re-writable CD. its too hard to explain. the more research i read about it the more i think recovery of any real sort is impossible. it has to be God. only His intervention can make me whole. u see every time i have a negative experience with someone any previous encounter with that someone, whether it was good or bad, is overwritten with the new experience. AND to make it worse, if the new experience is negative my brain manipulates the experience so that anything traumatic is distorted...so i created a lie, but to me it's the truth. ugh. i am so messed up.

continue to pray with me, family, please. as i seek God in my life and His perfect will for me.

love you all.

[goldieluvs]

sorta

I have followed many of your posts but have remained silent, not having any words, but feeling your pain and also seeing your growth.

Today, your post brought something to mind that i would like to share with you:

I once visited a weaver's school, where the students were making beautiful patterns. I asked, "When you make a mistake, must you cut it out and start from the beginning?"
A student said, "No. Our teacher is such a great artist that when we make a mistake, he uses it to improve the beauty of the pattern.
That is what the Lord does with our mistakes. He is the greatest artist, but we must surrender. Surrender your blunders to the Lord. He can use them to make the pattern of your life more beautiful....... Corrie Ten Boom.

So, sorta even though things seem so messed up (been there done that, still do sometimes) God can and will use them to make it into something more beautiful... and His Glory will shine. I have seen it in your posts before and i have felt the pain... still He shines.....

God will work it out of this i am sure

[Timothy]

Awesome Post, sortamorta.

I see some of myself in your post. You explain very well.
Some of what you describe I don't know about. But some other parts
resinate with me. And you are so right, it takes time and an effort. We need to
keep seeking God. Its an ongoing process. And this site, Mr. Christianity
Oasis with the many studies and the many wonderful saints and angels,
sharing the love of Jesus and the moving of the Holy Spirit on this site,
keep the process moving forward.

you wrote:
> continue to pray with me, family, please. as i seek God in my life and His perfect will for me. <

sortamorta, when you hurt, I hurt. When you cry, I cry. When you rejoice, I rejoice.
I am with you in prayer. I pray for your strength of faith as we remember
to seek his kingdom first....



Lovely words goldieluvs, beautiful and true.


Timothy

[stillstanding]

thank you.for reading. for praying. for speaking. i can feel your prayers for me. i so want to be what my Father wants me to be. I so want to make Him smile. thank you for standing with me

surrendering my blunders...i have always tried to clean them up first. thank you for posting goldie...made me think. quit trying to make it perfect in my eyes. give it to the Master and let Him make it perfect in His eyes. we dont see things the way He does.

love yall

thank you for being you

[stillstanding]

i'm never sure where to post. i have a need. my anger has had horrible negative effects on people around me, my kids. i hate this. my rages and outbursts caused by losing my temper about something my kids did because they are kids. why do i do this? i dont want to. i dont mean to. i cant take back the past. i cant fix anything. i need God's hand in this. i need Him to ...i dont know exactly. i know it will take some time of me not getting angry for the kids to 'forget' anger. but my hubby, T, gets angry with them too. im trying really really hard and then he loses his temper at them for something. i cant even explain what im trying to explain. ugh. this is so frustrating. this makes me feel so helpless. this is desperation. this is where the rubber meets the road. i dont know what to do.

is there anyone with insight? advice?

[living4Him]

Sorta,
I do understand your pain. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. My anger, when it boils over, is very distructive to me and everyone around me. The only thing I have found that works is to turn that anger over to God. He is big enough to handle anything that we throw at Him and He is more than willing to do so. When I feel that anger I start praying immediately. I turn and walk away if I have to. I do whatever I have to to allow God to handle that anger so I don't have to. It is not always easy and it takes much practice to be able to do it. But, have faith, God will help you if you ask, believe, and recieve His help. I will be praying for you and those around you......trust Him.

living4Him

[Mackenaw]

Hello Sortamorta

God bless you this day.

Awwwwwww, Sortamorta -- and I mean that, dear Sortamorta. Take a few deep cleansing breaths. I know we've talked, briefly, about "anger" before, and I gave you the link to the awesome study on anger, so let's talk some more about it, okay?

Anger is spiritual -- it's one of the fruit of the flesh, which is carnal, and it is one of the first emotions taught us as a child, by other people, by the world, at the hands of the enemy of our souls. And it's UGLY!!! I know, because I used to resort to it a lot -- usually to overcome my fears. But then it becomes habit, because it has such power. When we are fearful, we don't feel real powerful do we, so we search and search for something to calm our fears, and who comes a knocking to help us, if no one else does? You got it...the enemy of our souls.

Okay, so now we've been introduced to "anger" and it is so seductive and habit-forming, and it builds up this ole carnal self, making us believe -- if only for a moment -- that if we are going out, we might as well go out with a bang. It is a very PRIDEFUL and PROUD emotion that puts people in their places and makes us feel like we're in control, when in fact, we are so far out of being in control that it is pathetic. But, that is exactly what the enemy of our souls wants us to believe -- that we are in control. The enemy of our souls wants to set us up for a very great fall.

So then, we learn Truth -- God's blessed Truth, but we still have this habit. Eeeeuuuuwwwwww. And besides that, many others around us have learned this same bad habit, so now we are often challenged by others, having us believe that we have to pick up our weapon of anger -- a challenge to duel.

And then add to the mix, we have children, who have also learned this habit from the world, others -- as well as from us -- and they are now acting out, and they are supposed to listen to us, right? but ...
And, with anger comes the flooding of past memories where others have hurt us, where and when we "felt' we had no outlet of expression, and so now we are not only angry about the present but the past offenses against us have been resurrected and we are one big ole ball of ANGER!!!

See the cycle?

There is no winner in anger, even though we have been taught otherwise.

Let go and let God. How do we do that, we ask The Lord to humble us. We repent. We ask the Lord to forgive us for the anger that is inside of us and we lay it down at His feet, and we pray until His peace rains over us.

Sortamorta, God is making progress in you. I know it is difficult to see, especially coming out of an "anger episode", but Sortamorta, He is making progress within you. He is Almighty God, and He loves you, and He will prevail.

The conviction and regret you feel afterwards, and even during, is proof of Him. Praise Him!!! Thank Him!!! Love Him!!!

Sortamorta, The Lord loves you. He will complete the good work He has begun in you. He is faithful.

God bless and keep you, dear Sortamorta. I'm praying for you. May God's blessed will be done.

Love,
Mack

[Dora]

i'm never sure where to post. i have a need. my anger has had horrible negative effects on people around me, my kids. i hate this. my rages and outbursts caused by losing my temper about something my kids did because they are kids. why do i do this? i dont want to. i dont mean to. i cant take back the past. i cant fix anything. i need God's hand in this. i need Him to ...i dont know exactly. i know it will take some time of me not getting angry for the kids to 'forget' anger. but my hubby, T, gets angry with them too. im trying really really hard and then he loses his temper at them for something. i cant even explain what im trying to explain. ugh. this is so frustrating. this makes me feel so helpless. this is desperation. this is where the rubber meets the road. i dont know what to do.

That may be exactly what your parents may have been saying to themselves when your mom was saying I told you I'd bite it and when she said I told you I told you. When she called you names. She may have been beating herself up side because she was doing what she didn't want to do just as you are doing what you don't want to do and beating yourself up for it.

It's a war. A battle. To not do what you were taught, to give what you were never given. Some psychologist say it can't be done. But I know it can. I'm leaving proof. And I know through Him you can.

You will be the one to break the chain that has been passed down through generations. Hard row to hoe cause the ground laid out before you is rock solid and never been tilled. With Him, His word, and prayer you can break the chain.

love you sis!!! Keep sharing.

[Daisy50]

Sorta......I feel what you're going thru. For years I've had angry outbursts, etc....Wasn't until 3 years ago after an accident at my last job, when I slipped and banged my head on a wet tile floor-that I was diagnosed with a genetic brain disorder which was "found out" throught the CT Scan in the ER at the hospital I had to be taken to.
The doctor put a name to this disorder, wrote a 'script for me to go for further testing(MRI)....which was confirmed.
Now I could FINALLY put a name to what was causing me to be so out of control.
When the results of the tests came back, I had a longgg talk with my primary doctor. She cupped my face in her hands and said, "I know you might not think this is the right thing for me to say, but I have to tell you.....what we've found out, you HAVE to consider it "God's blessing in disguise". I looked at her kind of funny, thinking to myself, 'it's easy for YOU to say that'....i said nothing....and continued to listen to what she was telling me.
She went on to explain that most every day, people come into her office, or the hospital, who've suffered head injuries....or those who have seizures, and how long it takes doctors(with all the knowledge they have-limited at times), to find out what has caused a person to have a seizure.
She said in my case, knowing what they know...should I ever suffer a seizure, they'll know ahead of time what has caused it(by knowing about this brain disorder I have).
....For awhile I was fearful of getting behind the wheel of my car, because Satan started working on putting FEAR into my head-that I would have a seizure, kill myself or others if I had a car accident. It crippled/paralyzed me to the point that I didn't even want to drive to the corner market, or to my friend's house...much less go to the mall(and I've always loved the mall).
The condition I have is called "Agenesis of the Corpus Collosum". Short explaination-the front of my brain that controls my emotions, did not fully develop when my mother was pregnant with me. So it causes me to have quick angry outbursts, or at times crying uncontrollably, being angry at the world and/or my "lot" in life.....or having doubts and fears of not being "good enough"...and on and on and on.....
Praise God! I am NOT on medication....I totally rely on prayer and His healing hands.
I have moments of losing my temper...but not half as much as I did when I was growing up. Knowing now that I have a Heavenly Father who is there for me when I call out to Him, is all the "medication" I need to get me through the day.
I continue to pray for TOTAL healing. My Heavenly Father healed me when I had cancer....He will heal me of this disorder as well.
I pray that you will find peace through Him....Take His hand...Let Him be the One who can lead you out of that "tunnel"...and bring you into the light and into a place where you are able to cope with what is happening, and to give you the peace of mind to help you get through the day...nights.....and give you a calmness that is so overwhelmingly good as He is doing with me.
I love you sis....Praying for you. *hugss* God Bless You REAL GOOD!
Daisy

[akita777]

Thank you for posting this. It means a lot to me. Just to hear that other Christians suffer the way I am is somehow a comfort. I have had Epilepsy since I was 9 yrs. old. I have always felt different and I guess to a point I was. I was rebellious as a teenager because I guess I wanted to fit in with someone, anyone. Just to not feel like an outcast. My parents were not very helpful either. They did not recognize that the medicine I took made me very sleepy and I was not motivated to do much of anything. My dad was a rageaholic. His form of teaching was to scream and yell and complain and he was very critical. In many ways I am the same as he is. I do to myself what he did to me as I grew up.

Then one day 9 yrs. I met man on the internet that spoke highly of me. He told me how smart I was and many other words of affirmation that I was looking for. He befriended me and started to talk about religion. I in turn told him happily that I was a Christian. He said he was not a Christian and the word Christian was a just a label anyway. You can still follow Christ and not call yourself a Christian. This man turned out to be a cult leader. I never knew it until after I denied being a Christian. He had written 2 books explaining how things were in the world.(the why's and such) I read both of his books but ended up burning them because of the great shame and guilt I experienced in my soul. There is much more to this story but after I burned his books I called him and told him. I then asked him to forgive me because I realize that it was a hurtful thing to do. He said he does not have the power to forgive only to give me an experience to know what I did. So from that point on he was now my enemy. This man that I thought so highly of and to be honest I really believed what he was telling was for my good. In the end, I lost my mind and ended up in a mental hospital. That was 9 yrs. ago and I am still fighting. Everyday I think about him and I think about how I believed a false prophet and what does that say about me. So who am I? I know who I want to be! I want to be Christs and his alone. But everyday I battle not to lose hope. I have clinical depression, ocd like symptoms with very intrusive thoughts and I can't trust my own mind because my feelings are so bad sometimes that I contemplate suicide. I keep hearing in my head what Jesus said about having a millstone around your neck and cast into the sea would be better than hurting one of his little ones. I have not hurt anyone, but sometimes I feel like I am turning into someone that I would never want to be and I am scared about who that is. Sorry I am rambling...,Steve

[Christnundrconstruxn]

dear sorta
I have no words to ease what you are going through, other than God loves you and so do I!!!
please know you are not alone in the anger I suffer from this mental short circut when pushed to the limits and have absurd outburst that I "feel" are out of my control and then I hate myself for them afterwards, I too use to explode on my kids when they didn't do what they were told or got out of control, and yes my dad was the same way but I have done a few things differently than my dad but not enough
I have always wondered about a "short circut" in my brain that causes this but I never gave it much thought
I use to be SOOO bad about it that it was embarassing, for example as a teen I use to build model cars and I had one that I spent weeks completing and was on the final steps and as I put it together I realized I must have had glue on my hand and it got on the windshield and in a split second....I CRUSHED IT!!! only to realize what I had done the instant later, I had broken so many things and that includes fingers (walls are not forgiving when punched) but I was able to get SOME control over my anger but the verbal outburst of anger is the worst of my problem now, I have trained myself to walk away when I feel it building so I don't abuse myself or items around me anymore but have a LONG way to go
One thing I wished I could remember when the anger builds in me is that when we give in to anger who wins....satan if I could remember that at the right time I think I would get angry a WHOLE LOT LESS, I just wish I would get the image of satan in my eyes when I feel the anger because I know it would curb some if not most of it.
PLEASE sorta know that I am SO glad to have you here as my friend and sister and will continue to pray for you to be released from this and for your family and those around you to be understanding until that release
may God bless and keep you
Cuc

[stillstanding]

My dear friends, thank you so much for all your prayers and comforting words of encouragement. i am so very blessed to have all of you my brothers and sisters in Christ here at Oasis. i still fight this nonsensical rage, but i actually do believe its getting better, albeit slowly. (but i dint turn into this rage monster overnight either )
romans 5:1-5
1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Collossians 3:4-10
4When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. 5Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. 6For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, 7and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them. 8But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. 9Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, 10and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him--

and \o/ the common use of obscene language that i had a tendency to use without thought is just gone. has been for 3 months...just gone. God is so good !!!!!!!!!