Pines Pages

[Mackenaw]

Hello Piney

God bless you this day.

I want to share something The Lord taught me, and I hope it will help you. I used to be a control freak. I say "used to be" because He has taught me and continues to teach and lead me into giving it to Him. Ahhhhhhhhh, God is so Good.

I could get overly descriptive in describing how control freakish I was -- you know, the ole "and it was the worst case of the condition 'control freak' that was ever known to man" type of thing.

Well, you know what He showed me? I was still being a control freak, because part of the condition of "control freak" had me talk about it, exaggerate it, romanticize it and write about -- as if writing an ode or poetry to it. So, in reality, by continuing to talk about it, I walked in it, a.k.a. I was still maintaining control, instead of giving it to Him.

A time or two, I remember asking one of my sisters to help me, and whenever she saw me being overly "controlling" to gently remind me. Guess what? it ticked me off when she would remind me. Why? because a control freak wants to be in control. Eeeeuuuwwwwww!!!

As you suggested, there are, indeed, steps to it. One step at a time, with Him.

Step 1: Pray and BELIEVE The Lord is helping you, and when you ask one of your kids (or whomever) to take out the trash (or whatever), let them do it.

Step 2: Pray some more and BELIEVE The Lord is helping you.

Step 3: Repeat steps 1 and 2.

Prayers are rising for you, Piney. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Mack

[Pine]

What an amazing evening!!!! I began a new relationship tonight with God. I never spoke to Him before. Always to Jesus or the Holy Spirit. But tonight I met God. He came to me. Apparently He's been searching for me for some time now. I saw how the enemy stole me from Him. And how at that very moment He began searching for me and has continued diligently for that entire time and tonight there we were, meeting again for the first time. My first time. He remembers me. He healed my broken heart.

The relationship began. I can't wait till I can trust enough to climb right up in His lap. I cried and cried and He showed me how determined He was when the enemy stole me from Him. Just like I would expect a good daddy would be if his little girl was taken.

He shook the gates of hell tonight and freed my soul from the torment of the past. And there's so much more to come! What an awesome God we have. I love Him and He loves me to the ends of the earth. The pain in my heart is gone. I never thought it possible because it ran so deep.

You see my daddy raised me believing God loved the entire world, except me and that He was playing a cat mouse game with me and would one day send His fire from heaven to destroy me. All authority in my life proved to be unwilling to protect me, unloving, and abusive. So it's normal that I would struggling with the authority of God. But tonight I saw Him a different way. When I took the time to talk to Him and get to know Him.

I saw Him looking into the future at the good things He has set aside for us. I saw Him watching over me with a protective eye. I saw Him longing to be close to me like a daddy and His daughter should and would in a perfect relationship.

Now that I see this I can release control. I don't want to have control of me anymore. I want Him to and He can now that I've given Him control and I can do this because I trust Him now. Now that I see who He really is. That's just amazing to me. Makes me teary. Though I cried many tears tonight, now I couldn't stop smiling if I wanted to. And I never want to stop smiling.

Mack I think I made it past step 2. Now I have to rinse and repeat, every moment of the day. But what a pleasure to do so cause I love this new relationship with Him. And to think, just 2 hours ago I was to scared to talk to Him. Wow! He's amazing.

[xxJILLxx]

Pine ,

Enjoy every minute of it

God bless you
\./
♥Jill

[Pine]

My mind wants to process things from my childhood like the floods that hit that area often. The natural traumatic events that came from living in the area i lived in.

And more....

My counselor said it's my minds way of settling on an easier path because the path it's been on is to difficult. It's so difficult to get to counseling because of work and my families schedule.

Asking for prayer....

God seems to be trying to reveal how He sees me....to me it's very painful. I'm not dealing well with it. Avoiding Him, prayer, worship, song, avoiding everything. Cause every time I turn to Him there He is revealing this and I can't, or won't, accept it. Huge battle. it's me vs. me. The stubborn, self destructive me is winning. I feel like it's how I want it, but then if it is truly what i wanted i wouldn't be typing here asking for prayer.

The pain is back. Grieving constantly. I cry over anything. I asked Him why and He said it's cause I pulled away. Or I think that was His voice. I'm not sure right now.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Piney

Prayers are rising to The Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf. May God's blessed and perfect will be done.

God bless and keep you, Piney.
Love,
Mack

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Awww sis I was wondering how you were, please don't let satan and his filthy mind tricks continue to pull one of my dearest friends here at Oasis away from our Lord, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and suffering you go through from your past but please remember it is just that....the past, live in the "gift" he is giving you....the "present".
I have not endured nothing compared to some here, you included but I too want to attack myself and give up on life and wonder....why Lord WHAT IS IT YOU SEE IN ME to continue to stand beside me even though I do not deserve you, and I too think how God looks at me and at times when I'm allowing satan to control my thoughts I cringe at what I THINK God sees but when reality sets in and I think from what I have been taught about God....I know even when I am doing wrong and thinking badly my Lord is NOT angry with me he is more hurt and maybe even disappointed that I don't bring it all to Him and trust Him, Pine I only know you from the many writtings we have shared here and the pics too BUT one thing I do know is God knows BOTH our hearts and He knows you had little or NO control over your past and me well I just pray He knows even with my ways there is NOTHING I would love more than to become the man He put me here to be BUT as it is said "the flesh is weak" I am so weak in standing my ground with satan BUT one thing he will NEVER EVER gain and that is the love I have for my Lord and savior, I deserve to rot in that evil place called hell for my actions of my past and even some of the present BUT I thank my God every day (when I remember to which is most) that He IS a forgiving God and full of mercy and does NOT remember the past mistakes once forgiven.
Pine you are awesome and I so miss that spirit I use to see here from you PLEASE don't allow satan to misguide your thoughts, I know our God loves you VERY much and so do many here as well as me, you were one of my rocks here at Oasis along with others that I pray will stand and speak that to you in this post so you will see how much you are loved and so you will see that our Lord is pleased in you.
Ps
one more thing and I'm done, you said

it's me vs. me. The stubborn, self destructive me is winning. I feel like it's how I want it,

It is NOT you vs. you it is You and God vs. satan, satan is using his tools of destruction on you=stubborness, doubt,depression, pain, self hate and maybe even preoccupying your time with other things to keep you from healing and spending your time with God.
With much love and respect
(I DO MISS TALKING WITH YOU )
Cuc

[Pine]

Thanks CUC bro.

I had therapy today which almost always helps. Today i left with a little lighter heart and i caught my smile sneaking out a few times during the meeting and on the way out the door. It felt good to smile.

Then I had parent teacher conferences. To hear teacher after teacher tell me how wonderful my boys are gave me a little skip in my step. Who would of thought parent teacher conferences could be the thing that brings a smidgen of joy back to a persons heart.

Tonight I googled words in images. Words like, "Gods Love" and I came across an image that said something about God carrying me when I need it. At first it sounded so good. Then I felt like I had to do this my self. I can't count on anyone else to get me where I need to go. I can't be weak. I can't lean on others. I must carry my own weight. Then that soft gentle voice drifted in and reminded me that it's Him we're talking about and it's ok cause He wants to carry me. Gosh He wants to. It doesn't matter what others think if He is willing. Their opinion of me being unworthy or overly burdensome to God doesn't matter. Their opinion should never matter. But to me it does. I am emotionally bankrupt and put together wrong. So of coarse I'll have issues. If I can't stand before God and know who i am how can i stand before other humans who are second guessing who I am.

[Pine]

My heart is lifted tonight. I still feel little reason to live but I have some what of a peace and joy. Enough that I can begin to speak and listen to the Father again. I think there are a lot of things that caused this. And those battles are not over so it's probably just a temporary rest unless I can get my mind wrapped around the truth and hold onto it tightly. One truth being reason to live. Another being how He views me. In the past couple months I have overcame many lies and grasped many truths. These two have forever been an issue with me.

I appreciate the prayers. I feel my weekend has been very successful in building relationships, and the lives I touched were many. A month ago I wouldn't of been able to see this. I would of been crumbling under anxiety. Because of the lies that are no longer believed I was able to see and accept this truth. Perhaps this success is the reason my heart is uplifted. And/or the fellowship, fresh air, sunshine and exercise. I do know I fall quickly into depression with out those things.

Thanks Mack I just scrolled back and saw your post. I appreciate you taking the time to remind me you're praying.

[Pine]

I'm doing better. Today is a better day. I have the day off and spent a lot of time listening.

My daughter and I planted some daffodils to bring us something sweet to look at this spring.

[Pine]

I'm soooo exhausted but in a good way. The Lord and I have done lots of talking today and He is working diligently to remove with in my mind connections to the past and placing my mind in forward thinking by bringing to mind the things that keep me longing for the past and showing me how I will gain them back again in the future in better shape and function and ability to give and receive of love as never before. What a prize! I'm anxious for it. It is my prayer He continues to break this drawing with in me to return to the past. In the past is connections that seem to have called me to death. Possibly the reason for ongoing thoughts of wanting this life over. Since a little child I wanted during the abuse to just die when they took me way to close to that possibility. So I seemed stuck in that being my destiny. With a couple friends we began breaking this and I will continue to pray for freedom from that bondage. So I'm excited. I'm on a journey and I have a mission. To live, breathe, and break through from this bondage. I had many visions today. Many wonderful visions. One in which God showed me once again I will have victory over those who have harmed me. Not all, there are particular enemies He is speaking of. It's costing me my days through worry and fear and thoughts. But He is faithful to continually remind me it's His battle, not mine and He's given me victory. That makes my spirit soar! God is good. It's a double blessing. One for constantly rushing in to rescue me from my thoughts and one for reminding me He's set aside victory for me. Today I saw a vision of Him working to remove a black cloud that was around my mind. The cloud contained my past memories that were causing me harm. He wasn't able to remove them so He looked at me and asked if I wanted Him to. I told Him I was afraid to let go cause it was all I knew. But I want to!! I want to!! As I kept saying to Him I want to He was removing them. When the grey cloud was gone I saw a whiteness around my mind and it was lighter. In this vision I was just a child. I was dressed in a white dress. I stood up and He asked if He could fill my mind with His things. I said yes. I asked if He'd show me what they were. I saw me dressed in a yellow dress at the top of a tree. I began to float as He took me to new heights and the dress turned into a bright shining star. And we danced. He invited my guardian angel to dance with me. The three of us danced. God reminded me of how the musical group I play with is going to play in public twice before Christmas. I saw me singing a song that I've wanted to share with the group. The song happens to be The Lord of The Dance. Tonight I sang it for my music instructor and she helped me change some chords and said I could sing it when we play in public. I sang so strong and unafraid. First time ever. I wasn't timid! We went through song books and she picked out more for me to sing. I asked Him where will He be when I'm singing. He showed me a picture of me playing the guitar and Him helping me strum and helping me find the chords and He reached up and touched my throat. A bright yellow light came from my throat. When playing for my instructor I stopped and silently asked the Lord to join me. I felt as if He was so excited for me to ask and He jumped right in by being so close and singing with me. I felt such joy with in.

When I leave music lessons I always become afraid when I walk out. The allie is dark and cold and sometimes there are men hanging around dressed in dark clothing and watching me. It's kinda freaky and I usually feel myself closing in on myself and unable to talk. I duck my head and walk quickly to my vehicle. One of my desires is to be able to speak when scared if I need to. I tend to just shrink and can't find my voice. Tonight when I walked out of music lessons all happy and smiling and boom there I was in that dark allie with triggering thoughts. This night I was able to find my voice! I stood strong and didn't shrink in. I was prepared to speak and even shout or yell if I needed to. There wasn't any danger this night, only my mind thought there was. I truly feel my ability to do this is from God working to put my mind back together. To undo what was done wrong and set things straight. He's creating boundaries with in the battle field. My mind. He's taking back what was stolen. My mind. He's setting all things straight. Is that amazing!! God is amazing. We serve and amazing God.

[Pine]

Lots of things in my life are keeping me in the past right now. Some things I have to go through other things are triggers and other stuff like catching up with family and sharing pictures and stories.

I realized tonight I need some pictures of the future so I can face forward instead of backward.

[momof3]

love you, Pinesters. Tons and tons.

Prayers continue for you, sis. His perfect will be done in all of this.

In Jesus,
love momo