Ron's Journal Day 1
Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 1:15 pmI've been confused..... It all started when in 2009 I met this woman, The problem was.... I was married, and with a young child. I was very unhappy in my marraige, Met this woman at work and started an affair, She made me feel so special, that I fell in love with her. Over time things got bad..... we broke up a few months ago, I went thru a divorce, bankruptcy and ruined my life that I had, I became a christian and baptised in 2010 and started to live a christian lifestyle, I didn't live this woman, because I wanted to have a proper relationship.... Problem was, she would get angry at me, and text me instead of talking over issues, and I would retaliate.... sometimes in a very unkind way..... I think I became abusive, I would constantly repent, and we would make up.... but then again.......
Right now, I am not sure where I stand, she broke up with me because of one thing then said it was another.... I'm sitting here wondering if it was really all my fault and I Just wanted to fix it.... sometimes with horrible results.
I feel like a monster, I know god forgives.... But now i have this person hating me, and i didn't want that..... I think part of the problem was that we had poor communication, I tried to get her to talk to me, but she wouldn't, and I think I got wierd because of all the stress i was under...... So, you see, I may have been abusive verbally, and thats what bothers me, I'm not like that at all........ I realise also I blamed her for a lot of stuff....Now, she thinks I'm a freak.... a loser, tells me to get a job, even though I own a business, tell me I have a problem, I keep denying it... but then I wonder.... Do I have a problem Hidden deep down? maybe i do.
This is why I'm so confused.... I don't know what is right or Wrong anymore......have concerns about dating again, wondering if I am a freak..... I used to never feel this way when I was married to Christine, i just felt ignored and unwanted.
It's been hard, battling back from all that i went thru, my family shunning me, my dad telling me that he never wants anything to do with me again... my relationship to him is slowly healing, but I have had a ton of negativity aimed in my direction, part of my problem i think was that I was not assertive,.... even though I wanted to be with the other woman, I couldnt completely just marry her right off the bat like she wanted.... I was trying to take time and heal all the relationships, and things got worse....
So, I am alone, I lost my Family, my life that I had before I met this woman, I gave it all up to be with her... and now I don't have that either, I do have my little girl from joint custody..... and I am thankful to God for what i do have because I have spent some time Homeless because of all this.
I have dealt with a lot of guilty feelings too.........
Right now, I am not sure where I stand, she broke up with me because of one thing then said it was another.... I'm sitting here wondering if it was really all my fault and I Just wanted to fix it.... sometimes with horrible results.
I feel like a monster, I know god forgives.... But now i have this person hating me, and i didn't want that..... I think part of the problem was that we had poor communication, I tried to get her to talk to me, but she wouldn't, and I think I got wierd because of all the stress i was under...... So, you see, I may have been abusive verbally, and thats what bothers me, I'm not like that at all........ I realise also I blamed her for a lot of stuff....Now, she thinks I'm a freak.... a loser, tells me to get a job, even though I own a business, tell me I have a problem, I keep denying it... but then I wonder.... Do I have a problem Hidden deep down? maybe i do.
This is why I'm so confused.... I don't know what is right or Wrong anymore......have concerns about dating again, wondering if I am a freak..... I used to never feel this way when I was married to Christine, i just felt ignored and unwanted.
It's been hard, battling back from all that i went thru, my family shunning me, my dad telling me that he never wants anything to do with me again... my relationship to him is slowly healing, but I have had a ton of negativity aimed in my direction, part of my problem i think was that I was not assertive,.... even though I wanted to be with the other woman, I couldnt completely just marry her right off the bat like she wanted.... I was trying to take time and heal all the relationships, and things got worse....
So, I am alone, I lost my Family, my life that I had before I met this woman, I gave it all up to be with her... and now I don't have that either, I do have my little girl from joint custody..... and I am thankful to God for what i do have because I have spent some time Homeless because of all this.
I have dealt with a lot of guilty feelings too.........
I am so glad you are here and that you are doing the 14 step CCCC program. It is very good and will show you how you got to the point where you are and how to get to where you need to be. I have done the program for about the same reason you have. I was very unhappy in my marriage and got involved with another person. I got so depressed over the situation I was in and I was just sooooooo sad. I turned my back on what I wanted....which was a lie that satan was feeding me....and started praying for my marriage. It really has helped but I had to focus on what GOD wanted in my life...and not how other people were making me feel. Its not been easy at all...but God is with me now and I feel very strong. My marriage is much better too.