Linda's Journey
Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 2:22 pm
Hello All...
I have just finished my 14 day Christian Counseling Program. I have so much to say but not enough time to say it in..
My life, as many other people, have had it's ups & downs. I have been in church and living the Christian life for 31 yrs. You would think by now that I would know how to handle all the things that satan throws at me. 
I can now look back on all those years and see the many mistakes I made and how I ended up where I am today. Let me explain as best I can:
I married at the age of 16. I was pregnant but was planning on getting married to this man anyway. We were in LOVE..
And... we were! God blessed us with 3 awesome children, 9 grand children & 3 great grand children. So your wondering what could be wrong with that? Let me fill in the blanks... 
During our first few years of marriage we were not living for the Lord. As things would happen ... let's just say... I was very naive in how the worldly people play their games. I was raised in a strict home (not Christian) just high morals. And of course, at the age of 16 I was a child myself having children. I was the kind of person that would always have a smile for everyone. I was raised that problems you have at home are not the problem of people at work. So, no one even knew there was a problem at home... Not even my own mother. Worse, my husband didn't see it either. I would try and tell him I was lonely and needed to just sit and talk... and he, of course, would say... you have the kids! Hummmm! Anyone out there have that problem?
Well, I had to remind him that the boys were only 2 & 4, and that having an adult conversation with them was kind of hard... duh! My husband was a great dad and a great husband, other than his communication skills. Little did I know that the worse thing I could do was to go to work and run into someone who enjoyed communicating! Me being the naive person that I was, saw nothing wrong with talking with another man, just being friendly too. I was not one to talk about anything that had to deal with my marriage. Anyone, that knows satan's ways... well ... that is ONE! He is a DECEIVER & LIAR and sooo much more. But, I will start there. Long story short... and I can honestly tell you I NEVER in a million years thought this would happen to ME! Especially, cause I LOVED my husband with all my heart! I ended up having an affair. It is a totally blur how it happened. But I do know one thing... satan KNOWS OUR WEAKNESSES and will USE EVERYTHING to make us think BAD IS GOOD!
By the GRACE of GOD ... it ended not to long after it started. But, the damage was done. My husband never knew. Then, it happened again. Don't ask how... I don't understand it to this day! Well, this one was found out by my husband. I had already broke it off with the guy, but he wouldn't quit calling, and one day my husband happen to pick up the other phone line and hear the conversation. THEN my life made a HUGE turn. I realized then what an AWESOME man I was married to! He forgave me after many tears. We were both broken and didn't know how we were going to be fixed. If you DOUBT there is a DEVIL... DON'T! The Lord knew what our marriage could be and satan knew what we could do if we were living for the LORD.
I know I said I was going to make a long story short... but how do you leave out the parts that caused me to be where I am now? It's not easy. I'll do my best to still try and cut some...
We didn't get into church yet. I had another little one.. our little Valentines Baby! She really was and still is a sweetie.
But.... it wasn't long after having her that .... satan began his whispers of how lonely I was again.. and I didn't realize it at the time... but I was a very insecure person. I will never know where that came from either. My husband made me feel like a QUEEN... but he still didn't know how to communicate... I am a TALKER! I'm also a GREAT LISTENER TOO. I listened and listened and listened... but when it came to the part where I wanted to talk... he was finished. That's where satan knew I was weak!
Before I go on any further, I am NOT justifying why I did what I did, but all these relationships starting out just TALKING.. innocently at that! I would never have gotten involved with any of these men just to have a relationship. That wasn't my problem! My problem was I needed someone to just communicate... not just talk to me... but listen to me too! Treat me like I was a person not a thing. By the way... I had told this to my husband many times too... I told him I needed to feel like a person not just a person he could use when he wanted. IF THERE ARE ANY MEN READING THIS.... LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING! LISTEN TO YOUR WIVES... MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE WHAT THEY SAY MATTERS! PLEASE!!!
Again.. I was in another one.
My husband never found out. Not until I gave up the relationship because we went to church with our kids and I got saved. Then I told him.... NOT a good idea! I have found out one thing.. we ARE to ask GOD'S forgiveness on all of our sins. But before telling someone that you have sinned against them, be sure that the LORD led you to do it. Will telling that person help them??? IF NOT.. THEN THE LORD WILL FORGIVE YOU AND HELP YOU TO GO ON. It about done him in for good. He abused me for 2yrs due to the fact that I had hurt him again. He said he forgave me... but he couldn't forget.
One thing I have learned in this 14 day program... if we don't FORGET... WE DON'T FORGIVE! You have to do BOTH... how would we like it if GOD forgives us but he won't let us forget what we did??? THAT HIT ME HARD WHEN I REALIZED I HAD TO DO THE SAME FOR MYSELF!
After a couple of years being beat... which you could see NONE of it. We were in church and leaders at that! No one knew.. Not even my children. Which they still lived at home. We kept it hidden well... they would hear us argue off and on but never did they see or hear the beatings. He made sure of it! The oldest one drove and he would send them out so they didn't have to hear us argue... :-/ You get the picture. During these beatings.. I never once fought back... it was mostly choking & kicking me while I was on the ground. I felt like I deserved every kick I got for hurting him like I did. Then one day, after 2 yrs of taking this.. I fought back. Almost put him in shock...
He wasn't used to this NEW ME! I told him get used to it ... he made me this way. Little did I know.. that was a turning point in our lives. Some good some bad.
We asked God to forgive us again.. and asked for each others forgiveness. But, a lot of damage was done. If we had this program at the time of all this... we would still be together. I have no doubt!
Eventually, I just gave up on us. I again kept telling him that I needed him to please talk... knowing where it always ended up... he still kept saying everything was great between us. I could no longer take it and I left. I told him I loved him but I couldn't go another 33 yrs like this anymore. I GAVE UP! Instead of letting the Lord help us... I even gave up on the Lord helping... I pleaded and pleaded with the Lord for Him to please teach my husband to love me the way I needed... by communicating!!! I know that at the time... I let satan whisper that our marriage could never be happy due to all the things I have done. Convincing me that the reason my husband couldn't communicate is because he didn't really love me & didn't trust me. Well, I believed him! I hadn't at that time learned to listen to the Holy Spirit.
I was involved again with another man... and decided he knew how to communicate so why even try to work things out with my husband. So, I divorced, and he begged me to just wait no matter how long it took to work it out. But, I knew what was right... right? NOT! I ended up getting married to this new man. We have been married for 4 yrs and I am now living with my daughter. :-/ At least this time, it had nothing to do with another relationship on either side. I decided that since he wasn't going to live for the Lord I couldn't deal with it. WOMEN! :-)
There is one good thing.. not really just one...
I have told my husband I am not even going to talk about divorce. I told him I love him and that we both need to work things out before we could become man & wife again. I then found this new site called Christianity Oasis. It has changed my whole life... it saved my life! I now am thinking only of doing the Lord's Will... whatever it is He wants me to do... I will do it! I'm the happiest I have ever been and content in the LORD! I found my communicator that I had been missing all these years!!!
It has been difficult to open up to just anyone on all of what has happened to me... but I KNOW the Lord tells us to help others as best we can. I know when I have read others life stories on here... it helped me to see there is HOPE for me. So, if doing this is what it takes to help someone like me.... I am hoping and praying it does! I have always tried my best to help others through the years. I love people and hope if you are at a time in your life where you believe you could never find true happiness... well... look again!!! Or should I say... quit LOOKING IN THE WRONG PLACES!!! :-)
God is here for you right this second! He brought you here to read my story for a reason. So give it all to the Lord and He will take all the pain & hurt away and replace it with His GRACE & LOVE.
I just want to thank all of you who have been such a blessing to me already. I have went into the forums and read things of those of you who were mad at the world and those who love GOd soooo much. They have all helped me see how I need to be and how lucky I am to have a LOVING GOD!!!
May the Love of the Lord come in and help you to learn to LOVE YOURSELF~ we have to do this for it to all come together! If you are new to this site... look up Christian Counseling... then do it! You will never be the same again!!! "old things are passed away, behold all things become new!" AMEM!!!
Love in Christ! Linda
P.S. Please feel free to comment one way or the other... thank you!
...so glad to meet you. I have gone through many of the things you have. My marriage has never been a great one...and I too have felt so lonely and have gone through abuse...verbal and some physical. Even tho I have been a Christian since I was young and always been in church...I turned my back on God. I too became involved in a relationship that was outside my marriage...for over a year. I fell in love with him....but knew it was wrong. The pain and hurt became too much. I had to turn to God again. HE led me here to Oasis. I am doing the 14 steps and it has really turned me around. I praise God you are now following Gods plan for your life too. It is just so painful to be so far away from HIM! I will pray for HIS will to be done in your life and that you know much JOY in the LORD!!
