Satan is after me.
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 12:19 pmSince starting the 14-day Christian Counseling program here, Satan has really been after me, bringing bad memories to mind that I had thought I'd worked through and past. The memories are causing me to have chest pains.
From the time I was a teenager, my mom would put me down, saying that because of my handicaps, no man would ever want to marry me. However, since I started going to church regularly in 1998 (I was 32 at the time), the put-downs happened a lot more frequently. Then, in 1999, when I started going to a church where the people actually showed me they loved me, and wanted to do things for me, not only did the put-downs escalate, but I got ridiculed, criticized, you name it. If someone bought me something for no reason, I owed that person. If I bought something for someone for no reason, I was stupid. I once bought a friend a bunch of flowers, as a little thank-you, for letting her three boys help me with things at church. Mom said it looked like I was bribing her. Another friend gave me a beautiful keepsake box, and Mom wanted to know why on earth she would do that. Yet another said I reminded her of Cinderella, which I took as a nice compliment. I found out I'd made a mistake by telling Mom about it when she asked a sarcastic "Why?" (That made me think that she thought I was ugly.) If I dressed up a little, or wore a little makeup, she'd ask who I was trying to impress. One time, I wanted to volunteer at the local hospital, and she tried to get me not to, saying they wouldn't want a blind person volunteering, and I wouldn't be able to do it. (I am legally blind.) Another time, I joined the church choir, but after 2 months had to leave it because I kept getting laryngitis from the singing. Mom insisted that the choir director 'fired' me, saying my voice wasn't good enough. If I said a guy was nice, or even nice-looking, she would say I was boy-crazy. Once, I left church after Sunday School, to get ready to go to camp for a week. When I told mom I wanted to get some hugs from friends before I left, she said I was stupid. If I'd tell her I had a problem, she'd sigh really loudly, roll her eyes and say "What's wrong now?" If my opinion on something differed from hers, she'd be angry with me.
I could keep going, but I don't want this to turn out to be a book. It's done me good to get so much out. Mom has been dead 4 years, and as awful as this sounds, when my brother called and said she had died, I couldn't help feeling relief...relief that all the verbal, emotional and mental abuse was coming to an end. I never once talked back to her when she'd say those things; I just took it, and let it bottle up inside me.
Thanks for listening.
From the time I was a teenager, my mom would put me down, saying that because of my handicaps, no man would ever want to marry me. However, since I started going to church regularly in 1998 (I was 32 at the time), the put-downs happened a lot more frequently. Then, in 1999, when I started going to a church where the people actually showed me they loved me, and wanted to do things for me, not only did the put-downs escalate, but I got ridiculed, criticized, you name it. If someone bought me something for no reason, I owed that person. If I bought something for someone for no reason, I was stupid. I once bought a friend a bunch of flowers, as a little thank-you, for letting her three boys help me with things at church. Mom said it looked like I was bribing her. Another friend gave me a beautiful keepsake box, and Mom wanted to know why on earth she would do that. Yet another said I reminded her of Cinderella, which I took as a nice compliment. I found out I'd made a mistake by telling Mom about it when she asked a sarcastic "Why?" (That made me think that she thought I was ugly.) If I dressed up a little, or wore a little makeup, she'd ask who I was trying to impress. One time, I wanted to volunteer at the local hospital, and she tried to get me not to, saying they wouldn't want a blind person volunteering, and I wouldn't be able to do it. (I am legally blind.) Another time, I joined the church choir, but after 2 months had to leave it because I kept getting laryngitis from the singing. Mom insisted that the choir director 'fired' me, saying my voice wasn't good enough. If I said a guy was nice, or even nice-looking, she would say I was boy-crazy. Once, I left church after Sunday School, to get ready to go to camp for a week. When I told mom I wanted to get some hugs from friends before I left, she said I was stupid. If I'd tell her I had a problem, she'd sigh really loudly, roll her eyes and say "What's wrong now?" If my opinion on something differed from hers, she'd be angry with me.
I could keep going, but I don't want this to turn out to be a book. It's done me good to get so much out. Mom has been dead 4 years, and as awful as this sounds, when my brother called and said she had died, I couldn't help feeling relief...relief that all the verbal, emotional and mental abuse was coming to an end. I never once talked back to her when she'd say those things; I just took it, and let it bottle up inside me.
Thanks for listening.
All that you've been carrying around for years. It's good to see you letting it out. You even said so yourself, that you feel better. These steps seem to be doing you good, and I'm glad. Keep on sis