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I'm sorry i just needed to vent and don't know where else to go. it has been a hard few days. on wed i had to have my wisdom teeth cut out and when i was given the laughing gas to calm me down it did to a point but in my head i freaked out. i couldn't move i couldn't talk but was able to hear and see every thing that was going on around me. so in my head i flashed back to when i was a kid and i couldn't do nothing about it. so that was just the start of things. friday i started counseling i did not like it at all. i thought that it would be ok she just asked me normal questions about different things nothing hard but i still didn't want to talk. i was scared if i talked about it it would all become so real to me again. i have pushed it back for so long that i don't want to have to deal with the feelings and emotions. then when i got home that night i again got into a fight with my husband and i know that i should not treat him like i do. i do not deserve him. he loves me so much and yet i can not show him the same love back because of what i know as love and what he knews is different. i want to change i really do i'm just so scared to go through the change. every since friday i have been have bad dreams every night. even if i am not sleeping my mind still plays games on me and i go back to when i was little and cant get back to now. i hate it so much. stuff like that never happened before at lest not that bad. i'm sorry for the ramble i don't even know if this makes any sense.
sorry

JandS thanks for sharing sis. Glad you trusted us to tell us what is going on. You know sis, you do have healing to do, but right now your allowing your emotions to control you, and therefore this is hindering you from growing and healing. In fact, they have a hold on you so tight it's like chains around your arms and legs. In order to unlock the chains, you may have to suffer through the painful moments, and I know your tired of suffering sis, as you've done so much already, But this time Jesus will be right beside you holding your hand, and comforting you when the moments get tough. Don't give up sis. You can do this. Come back and type as often as you need to. We are here for you.

luv ya

my dear, never ever that you are a bother here...we work alongside the Lord ..we are His and what we do is His work,this is His work here, and you a re one of His sheep....of course you are in pain inside right now...along with you counseling,if you are up to it,there is a link to a counseling programme herehttp://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

sometimes in the natural we have something wrong with us, we go and have surgery or something to make us better,
but after we are in pain for a bit,until the we are completly healed, thats the same as spiritual pain, your in pain on the inside, it will be painful to begin with as the healing takes place,

God opens those wounds to clean and heal you of all the bad that is there,bad dreams,hurt, rejection and many more syptoms...that is what is coming out, the argument with you husband, thank God that he is understanding,maybe he may like to talk the counsellor too, not for the same reason, but just so's he does understand a bit more of how you will react sometimes...( just a thought) and why
God Bless you dear sister..we are here for you any time...
God loves you and so do we....

Oh yeah . . . getting the teeth taken out . . .

I've had the wisdoms and then some . . . they were rotting out of my head.

But the surgical pain with the novacaine needle and the after-pain were cleaner and better than the suffering I had while the teeth were rotting and the acid was going to the nerves.

Like this . . . there may be pain of counseling and God's correction, but it is better than the suffering of keeping the stuff from the past of how we have done wrong and others have hurt us.

It's worth it (o:

And . . . by the way > the healing FILLED those empty deep spaces where the dead teeth had been . . . filled with gum that grew in there. God's love will fill in where there has been the nasty and the painful.

I hope you can thank your husband and encourage him that you want to do better. We a-l-l need to do better. No one is the only one (o:

Thank you all for your replys it is so nice to have a place to talk even if i don't make any since sometimes. I just feel like i am loosing control. from the time i moved away from home and got away from my dad i have always tried to say in control of things. and now i feel like i'm loosing that control big time. also i feel like i'm week because of my emotions. i have always had control of them and never showed them to anyone but now it is like i can't help it if i cry or get mad it just happens. and i hate that feeling so much. i have two days before i go back to counseling and i am really not looking forward to it. i would much rather just lock it all away as far as i can. also i have started cutting again i went so long without it just the only way i know how to deal. i didn't cut bad but i cut so now everyones going to think i'm a failure. i just don't know what else to do.

i'm sorry

J&S, now that's the enemy talking sis. You are such a beautiful soul. God loves you very much, and He wants to take all your pain away. See you are feeling so weak right now, because you don't trust God to be your strength. Reach out one hand to the Lord, and ask Him to come to your side. Tell Him you need His strength. He will hear you, and He will come.

Your emotions that you are going through, comes from your want to heal, yet you are afraid of that healing. It's not as scary as you think sis, in fact it will bring peace...peace that you so deserve. The counseling is good for you sis. It is something that you've probably needed for awhile, but have been scared to do.

My prayers are with you sis. Raise your eyes to Jesus, and He'll give you a New life.

luv ya

You are so right its like you can read my mind i don't trust got to be my strength right now. I know he is real 100% but i just have so many questions to why? That is the only answer i want is why did he let this happen why didn't he stop it. and to be 100% real it says he knew you before you were born. if he know this was going to happen then why did he alow me to be born.


I am vary scared to heal because i know that is going to take me having to forgive my dad and admitting that it really happened that it just not all a really bad dream that i can't wake up from. though i wish it was. some one just need to pinch me and i'll wake up i could only wish.

i'm sorry for rambuling on don't mean to

Well you know what sis? Your not forgiving your dad, is allowing your dad to have a hold over you. He is still controlling your emotions. Forgive your dad and forgive yourself, and allow yourself to be set free sis.

You know what I see sis, a butterfly that wants to fly, but hasn't found it's wings, and therefore refuses to do so. Come on sis...let's find your wings. I'll be here with ya.

Now why did God allow you to go through these things. Well sis, you are not responsible for the things that others did to you. It wasn't your fault, but theirs. God will deal with those who have hurt you. What God wants from you, is to see you begin to get up and reach out to Him.

luv ya

I want to get up from this i really do but its like every time i try to get up i get kicked down even harder than the last time. I'm tired of him having so much to do with my life still.

as far as the forgiving this i guess part of it is that i don't know how to forgive him and let alone my self. my mind plays so many games with me that i try to go back and think of things that i could of done to change what happend the what if things. and a big part of me feels ashamed and durty all the time because i just let him. if i would try to fight him it would only make things worse so i would just let him do what he wanted to do.

I really do want to get over this i want to be able to love my husband to know how to love him and be a wife to him. Becuase right now i don't know how to do that. and there has been a lot of times now that i have second guessed myself weather i should of gotten married or not. i thought that i was ready but now i don't know.

and yea i am vary scared

My sister, how we begin to forgive, is to begin to let go of the pain that your dad has thrown you into. Not allowing the past to drag you back down, because you did NOT allow your dad to do this to you. He did this on his own...these are his sins, not yours. The enemy is lieing to you, telling you that they are your sins, but Jesus knows better.

luv ya

hello again my dear ...I would like you to take a look at this study of help ...http://www.christianityoasis.com/questf ... m......you will come through this..its takes courage and support ..and you will get as much support here as you need...just reach out and we will be here... love u