Pines Pages

[mlg]

You know...I think that one thing we have to do is figure out how to deal with the feelings that a trigger brings up. I sometimes find it interesting what small of a thing can trigger a past memory...bad or good....and then I have to choose to either chew on it or release it. Sometimes I find myself chewing on it especially when it comes to my ex and how he has treated my daughter...but then I think what does he really care...the only one I'm hurting by chewing on this is myself...and when I'm chewing on things of the past I can't walk in the presence of Jesus...because Jesus isn't in the past...He is alive and living today and every day.

Keep working through this sis.

You are going to make it...every time you work on this....it means you can do this....and that's what it is about...doing it and doing it right.

luv ya

[Dora]

Thanks M

I went to the cross in the woods.

I told Jesus I forgive this man for hurting me and my uncle for setting this up. I said I forgive other men as well. I do feel better. I am smiling. I think the bitterness is still stuck. I will continue to pray and seek and speak forgiveness over all the hurts caused by the many men in my life. It's all I can do. Why the tears all of a sudden! I don't know.

I have more doors to open. Choice is to sit down and intentionally make the time to open them or allow some event in my life to shock me into opening them. Probably choose the latter.

I've been snipping at cubby all day. Everything he says seems to say to me that i failed. My perspective I am sure. If I opened up and talked to him about it I'm sure I'd find he wasn't thinking that at all.

Anyhow I came back from the cross with the knowledge that I'm to be the child, not the judge, to trust Him with this means to let go of the anger and bitterness. That all sin is sin. Though I've never hurt a child the way these men did, I have sinned. All sin is sin.

[Dora]

Well step five. I thought hey this is an easy one. Got it down pat! Identify the problem. Then I got to the part on hatred. And turned my head. Why? What's the flinch inside. All day I've been telling myself I'm the child not the judge. And it brings me so much peace. Then boom it's back again. Anytime I take my eyes off who I am and focus on what they did, the anger, bitterness, and yes unforgiveness is back and then I'm all dirty again. I just want to be His child. Why do I keep stepping up into a position that I wasn't created for. I'm not the judge or jury. I don't even want to be a witness. I want to completely be pardoned from all that's happened and just go frolic with the butterflies in the fields of flowers while Jesus handles the case. Each and every one. I feel like I'll never get there. To the point when the memory comes back that I instantly go, it's not mine and go off to play. I think I can through the patient and gentle, loving Father who wants to finish this. Perhaps I need reminders of who I am.

Think I skimmed this step to quick and should of given it more time.

[Dora]

Well today I decided it's ok to be angry. BUT I'm going to put this anger where it is going to do some good. Towards the enemy.

Letting go of all this bitterness, and anger is probably not going to be a one time deal but will come up time and time again when ever the memory is triggered. I'll have to learn to combat this through repetition. Eventually it'll get easier. Just like renewing the mind wasn't easy at first. This won't be easy at first and isn't a one time deal.

I've spent the day making and canning sweet relish. Still not done. I am wondering why in the world I would spend all morning making something that I could go get from the grocery store for a buck. All I can say is this stuff better taste good or I'll be ticked.

[mlg]

I bet it will be just delicious...I make stuff too that I could go to the store and buy...but I think it's just the special touch that makes it better all the way around.

luv ya

[Dora]

Cubby played a prank on me yesterday. He got me good. I completely fell for it. I looked at his face when he laughed and he looked so happy. I fell in love. Again. He said the relish I made was well worth the 8 hours it took to make it. To see how much he liked it I decided even though it took me all day, I'd make it again for him. When we run out. 5 pints of relish should last a while I would think.

I had such a nice day. We went canoeing with the kids and some folks from the church we attend.

It was a really nice time. We saw a deer bedded down beside the water. It just watched as we floated by. The beauty of the river and the trees and wild life. A dragon fly landed on the very tip of the front of the canoe and road a long way with us like that.

The love amongst the people was amazing! I nearly tear up thinking of how accepted and cared about that I felt. Just was a really good day. Can I do it again?

[Dora]

Just took this out my bedroom window. Through the screen so it looks foggy but it's not.

So cool. I love seeing nature especially when it comes into my world.

[Dora]

What an awesome weekend. We went camping with a bunch of people from the church we attend. A bunch of crazy fruitcakes.

What a blessing. I smiled so much and laughed so often!

I woman gave her testimony of how God used a brain tumor to save her and her husband. Saturday in the rain and cold she and her husband was baptized in the lake. A lake to cold for me on a warm day let alone on a rainy cold day. To see their determination to step out and say God I love you touched me deeply. It happened we were seated together. The pastor asked us to pray for them so I put my hand on her and prayed silently. She held my hand even though I didn't know her. They sang a song over her and part of the words was about how God is healing. Every time they sang that I got this feeling in the top of my head that ran down my arm. I don't know of her needing healing. I asked God if He wanted me to say something to her and I felt no, it was a "silent healing". What a blessing. How many times I've protected my children from harm and they never knew it. Then to see God doing the same for His child.

We sat around the campfire and a fellow brother and his son was playing the guitar. They told me to get mine out and they taught me a lot! I was so excited and had so much fun. At first I showed them my book and what I knew. He said he can't read music and turned my book over so I couldn't see the notes and said follow this and started playing. It was awesome! At first I was like Yikes! Then I was able to follow him. He was so patient and showed me the notes I didn't know. Then the next morning (Sunday) there was a worship and sermon time at the campfire after we shared a potluck breakfast (yummy!). They showed me how to play the songs and let me play with them during worship. I was so thrilled to be apart of leading others in worship.

The sermon was about sacrifice when it's difficult. They gave us strips of paper to write something we might like to sacrifice for the Lord. When I talked to the Lord about it I heard fear. I've felt for many months He wants me to be real with in my church. And to share what God has done for me. Really hard to do because i have to share things no one has a clue about and things that are ugly. I wrote a letter a few weeks back to the church and never sent it. Once again I felt the church here needs to take down their masks and be real and that I am to show them it is ok to be real so they can heal. But fear holds me back. What if...What if...What if...! That is what I felt God wanted me to sacrifice is my fear. The sermon ended and the man sitting beside me stood to pray. His prayer was on fear and not being afraid. I went to write on my paper my sacrifice and was a total black. So I asked what he wants me to sacrifice and I heard, "fear." Then we burned in the camp fire our sacrifices. Was sorta like sealing what we decided we were going to do.

Three times this week I have had 3 different people tell me, "everything is going to be alright." Then something happened that upset me and instead of trying to fix it I asked God about it and He said, "everything is going to be alright." I think he winked after he said that.

Cubby and a brother was the camp cooks. Usually it's cubby and I. But I'm not capable of cooking for that many people and having that many different foods to prepare. So this past year I've been trying to get these two guys to team up and work together so I could slip out of the kitchen. I still helped but wasn't chained to the camp kitchen all weekend. Which is what cubby and this other fella love! They cook these huge meals, clean up then begin preparing the next meal. And love it!

Well I still have lots to unpack and wash and a ton of posts in the forums to catch up with.

Good to hear the bills are paid ahead of time and the lights are on.
Always puts a little yippeee in my step when I hear good news like that.

[Dora]

Oh my goodness and I actually here!

I don't know if this will let me post or not.

So here's a try.

[Dora]

Yeah It let me post!

But it won't let me in chat.

[ciny]

yahoooooo pinecone
welcome home sis

ciny
i value your friendship

[Dora]

Thank you ciny! And thank you for the email and picture. Was such a blessing. Really touched me.


Hug5*